How to Let Go of Your Shame

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Sep 1, 2025

Dive into the deep and often avoided waters of shame, where the hosts unravel its origins and powerful influence on our lives. Explore the evolutionary roots of shame and how it manifests in areas like addiction and relationships. Discover the neurobiology behind these feelings and their impact on self-identity. Learn practical strategies to confront shame, particularly in our social media-driven world, and hear personal stories that illustrate the journey towards acceptance and growth. Embrace your shame as a stepping stone to self-discovery!

03:42:29

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insights

INSIGHT

Shame Is An Evolutionary Survival Radar

Shame evolved as a social survival mechanism to enforce group norms and avoid lethal ostracism.
That ancient radar still runs today, making us hypersensitive to social evaluation even when stakes are low.

insights

INSIGHT

Healthy Shame Versus Toxic Identity Shame

Healthy shame motivates corrective behavior when you violate your values, while toxic shame becomes identity: "I am bad."
Toxic shame stops you from repairing harm and leads to withdrawal, addictions, and self-sabotage.

insights

INSIGHT

Shame Feels Like Physical Pain

Shame activates brain regions that overlap with physical pain centers, producing full-body pain and rumination.
The anterior cingulate, insula, and default mode network create rapid shame spirals and long-term sensitization.

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Surviving the Harsh Realities of Prehistoric Life

03:56 • 2min

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The Evolution of Shame

06:25 • 19min

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The Neurobiology of Shame

25:06 • 13min

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Navigating Shame: Evolution and Adaptation

37:43 • 20min

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Exploring the Roots and Manifestations of Shame

57:32 • 6min

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Shame and Family Dynamics

01:03:20 • 13min

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Navigating Shame and Identity

01:16:05 • 21min

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Navigating Shame in the Digital Landscape

01:36:58 • 4min

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The Roots of Shame: Childhood and Beyond

01:41:12 • 22min

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Understanding Incongruence and Self-Acceptance

02:02:43 • 2min

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Therapeutic Approaches to Shame and Growth

02:05:04 • 22min

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Understanding Shame: Triggers and Healing Steps

02:27:02 • 4min

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Understanding and Releasing Shame

02:31:04 • 19min

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The Perils of Audience Mismatch in Public Speaking

02:50:02 • 2min

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Embracing Shame: A Journey of Reflection and Growth

02:51:33 • 18min

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Transforming Shame Through Connection

03:09:45 • 22min

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Confronting Shame in Creativity

03:31:56 • 8min

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Navigating Shame and the Digital Comparison Trap

03:39:38 • 3min

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#34957

Shame, the Exposed Self

Michael Lewis

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#22181

Explaining Unhappiness

Peter Spinegotti

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#10240

• Mentioned in 3 episodes

Shame and Guilt

June Tangney

#2825

• Mentioned in 10 episodes

Healing the Shame That Binds You

John Bradshaw

This book explores how toxic shame is the core motivator behind various toxic behaviors such as compulsion, co-dependency, addiction, and the drive to superachieve. It explains how these behaviors can break down family systems and destroy personal lives. Bradshaw provides techniques to identify, understand, and address the root causes of shame, and offers methods such as affirmations, visualizations, 'inner voice' and 'feeling' work, and guided meditations to release and heal from this shame. The book emphasizes the importance of recognizing and working through internalized shame to achieve wholeness and well-being.

#12572

• Mentioned in 3 episodes

The Cruelty Is the Point

The Past, Present, and Future of Trump's America

Adam Serwer

In this book, Adam Serwer presents a collection of essays that combine revelatory reporting, searing analysis, and clarity to dissect the profound influence of white supremacy on the American political system. The essays explore topics such as the persistence of the Lost Cause, the past and present of police unions, the mythology of migration, and the many faces of anti-Semitism. Serwer argues that Trump is not the cause but a symptom of deeper historical and ideological forces. The book includes additional elements such as essays on how the Supreme Court undermines justice and a new epilogue connecting the post-reconstruction narrative with today’s political discourse.

#231

• Mentioned in 64 episodes

LEVIATHAN

Thomas Hobbes

Published in 1651, 'Leviathan' by Thomas Hobbes is a comprehensive treatise on political philosophy. The book is divided into four main parts: 'Of Man,' 'Of Commonwealth,' 'Of a Christian Commonwealth,' and 'Of the Kingdom of Darkness. ' Hobbes argues that the natural state of humans is one of conflict and anarchy, and that the best way to achieve peace and security is through the establishment of a commonwealth governed by an absolute sovereign. This sovereign, which Hobbes terms the 'Leviathan,' has supreme authority over all aspects of governance, including law, religion, and public offices. Hobbes' work is a foundational text in social contract theory and continues to influence political thought to this day.

• Mentioned in 784 episodes

Meditations

Marcus Aurelius

Meditations is a series of private writings composed by Marcus Aurelius, one of Rome's greatest emperors, as he struggled to understand himself and make sense of the universe. Written between 170 and 180 CE while on military campaigns, this work combines Stoic philosophy with personal observations on leadership, duty, mortality, and human nature. Through twelve books of intimate thoughts never intended for publication, Marcus Aurelius explores themes of self-improvement, resilience in the face of adversity, and living virtuously while accepting what cannot be changed.

Chances are, there’s something in your life you feel deeply ashamed about—something you’ve never told anyone, something you can’t even admit to yourself. In this episode, we go deep into the emotion we all experience but almost no one wants to talk about: shame. Where it comes from, why it’s so powerful, how it screws up our lives—and more importantly, how to deal with it.

We cover the biology of shame, the psychology, the evolutionary roots, and how modern life (especially the internet) completely messes with our shame systems. We talk about healthy vs. toxic shame, how it shows up in addiction, relationships, perfectionism, and self-sabotage, and why most of us either try to hide from it or end up being controlled by it. You’ll also hear from members of my team about how shame shaped their lives in surprising ways.

As always, this episode is brutally honest, deeply researched, and sprinkled with a few bad jokes. But more than anything, I hope it gives you the awareness—and the tools—to start facing whatever it is you’ve been avoiding. Because you can’t outrun your shame. But you can learn to live with it.

We also put together a free companion guide for this episode with all the takeaways, references, and tools to help you get your sh*t together once and for all. Download it here: https://solvedpodcast.com/shame

Ready to stop listening to podcasts and actually start taking action? Join the Solved Community, a group of like-minded people who are taking small steps every day to make big changes in their lives: https://findmomentum.com/shame

Sign up for my newsletter, Your Next Breakthrough. It will help make you a less awful person: https://markmanson.net/breakthrough

Chapters

00:00:00 Introduction

00:04:35 Chapter 1: Shame's Hidden Architecture

00:14:38 Chapter 2: Key Definitions

00:18:32 Distinguishing Shame from Guilt

00:20:49 State Shame vs. Trait Shame

00:21:47 Shame vs. Embarrassment and Humiliation

00:24:03 Shame, Trauma, and their Interrelationship

00:25:14 Chapter 3: The Neurobiology of Shame

00:29:56 The Shame Spiral

00:36:04 The Learning Paradox of Shame

00:44:12 Chapter 4: The Shame Compass

00:47:33 Personal Experiences with Shame

00:49:21 Workaholism as a Coping Mechanism

00:59:13 The Allure of Shamelessness

01:01:15 Chapter 5: Individual, Familial, & Cultural Sources of Shame

01:11:05 Geographical Impact on Shame

01:13:08 Cultural Values and Shame

01:14:35 How the Greater Culture Shapes Shame

01:26:12 Chapter 6: Digital Technology & Shame 2.0

01:28:02 The Digital Divide

01:31:05 The Relationship Between Technology and Anxiety

01:33:55 Protection Strategies

01:39:21 Chapter 7: Developmental Stages of Shame

01:40:19 Understanding the Origin of Shame

01:42:57 The Role of Parenting in Shame Development

01:56:49 Chapter 8: How Therapy Transformed Our Understanding of Shame

02:01:06 Carl Rogers and the Safety Revolution

02:07:31 Albert Ellis and the Cognitive Revolution

02:11:58 The Influence of Albert Ellis and Carl Rogers

02:13:31 The Emergence of Reparenting and Inner Child Work

02:17:18 The Rise of Internal Family System

02:20:24 Brene Brown's Work on Shame

02:27:59 Chapter 9: Tools to Address Your Shame

02:40:19 Stoic Principles for Perspective

02:47:05 Perspective Shifting Techniques

02:58:26 Chapter 10: Tuning Your Shame System

03:10:39 Recognizing Unsustainable Shame Patterns

03:16:28 Kristen Neff's Self-Compassion Framework

03:25:33 Understanding Shame as Obsession and Resentment

03:29:53 Overcoming Shame and Personal Growth

03:31:39 Takeaways from the Discussion on Shame

03:40:40 Conclusion and Thanks

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