Chances are, there’s something in your life you feel deeply ashamed about—something you’ve never told anyone, something you can’t even admit to yourself. In this episode, we go deep into the emotion we all experience but almost no one wants to talk about: shame. Where it comes from, why it’s so powerful, how it screws up our lives—and more importantly, how to deal with it.
We cover the biology of shame, the psychology, the evolutionary roots, and how modern life (especially the internet) completely messes with our shame systems. We talk about healthy vs. toxic shame, how it shows up in addiction, relationships, perfectionism, and self-sabotage, and why most of us either try to hide from it or end up being controlled by it. You’ll also hear from members of my team about how shame shaped their lives in surprising ways.
As always, this episode is brutally honest, deeply researched, and sprinkled with a few bad jokes. But more than anything, I hope it gives you the awareness—and the tools—to start facing whatever it is you’ve been avoiding. Because you can’t outrun your shame. But you can learn to live with it.
We also put together a free companion guide for this episode with all the takeaways, references, and tools to help you get your sh*t together once and for all. Download it here: https://solvedpodcast.com/shame
Ready to stop listening to podcasts and actually start taking action? Join the Solved Community, a group of like-minded people who are taking small steps every day to make big changes in their lives: https://findmomentum.com/shame
Sign up for my newsletter, Your Next Breakthrough. It will help make you a less awful person: https://markmanson.net/breakthrough
Chapters
00:00:00 Introduction
00:04:35 Chapter 1: Shame's Hidden Architecture
00:14:38 Chapter 2: Key Definitions
00:18:32 Distinguishing Shame from Guilt
00:20:49 State Shame vs. Trait Shame
00:21:47 Shame vs. Embarrassment and Humiliation
00:24:03 Shame, Trauma, and their Interrelationship
00:25:14 Chapter 3: The Neurobiology of Shame
00:29:56 The Shame Spiral
00:36:04 The Learning Paradox of Shame
00:44:12 Chapter 4: The Shame Compass
00:47:33 Personal Experiences with Shame
00:49:21 Workaholism as a Coping Mechanism
00:59:13 The Allure of Shamelessness
01:01:15 Chapter 5: Individual, Familial, & Cultural Sources of Shame
01:11:05 Geographical Impact on Shame
01:13:08 Cultural Values and Shame
01:14:35 How the Greater Culture Shapes Shame
01:26:12 Chapter 6: Digital Technology & Shame 2.0
01:28:02 The Digital Divide
01:31:05 The Relationship Between Technology and Anxiety
01:33:55 Protection Strategies
01:39:21 Chapter 7: Developmental Stages of Shame
01:40:19 Understanding the Origin of Shame
01:42:57 The Role of Parenting in Shame Development
01:56:49 Chapter 8: How Therapy Transformed Our Understanding of Shame
02:01:06 Carl Rogers and the Safety Revolution
02:07:31 Albert Ellis and the Cognitive Revolution
02:11:58 The Influence of Albert Ellis and Carl Rogers
02:13:31 The Emergence of Reparenting and Inner Child Work
02:17:18 The Rise of Internal Family System
02:20:24 Brene Brown's Work on Shame
02:27:59 Chapter 9: Tools to Address Your Shame
02:40:19 Stoic Principles for Perspective
02:47:05 Perspective Shifting Techniques
02:58:26 Chapter 10: Tuning Your Shame System
03:10:39 Recognizing Unsustainable Shame Patterns
03:16:28 Kristen Neff's Self-Compassion Framework
03:25:33 Understanding Shame as Obsession and Resentment
03:29:53 Overcoming Shame and Personal Growth
03:31:39 Takeaways from the Discussion on Shame
03:40:40 Conclusion and Thanks
