Playing With Fire

Envy in relationships can be sneaky. It often hides behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment, making it hard to recognize—even when we're actively looking for it!When we feel envious of our partners, it creates a unique kind of tension. Unlike envying a metamour or someone outside your relationship, partner envy touches on deeper questions about fairness, comparison, and what we truly want. It can be particularly challenging because admitting envy means acknowledging something we lack or desire, which isn't always comfortable. But if you face it head on, partner envy can be a great opportunity for individuation and personal growth.In this episode, we talk about:— How envy of your partner often gets hidden behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment— The difference between wanting what someone has versus wanting to be what they are— Why "fairness" alarms often trigger us to reach for things we don't actually want— The danger of compartmentalizing when comparing ourselves to our partners— Common scenarios where partner envy emerges, especially in newly opened relationships with desire mismatches— How unaddressed envy quickly transforms into resentment that damages relationships— Why partners sometimes pull back from activities to avoid triggering their partner's envy (and why this doesn't actually solve anything)— The reality that shifting relationship paradigms typically takes 3-5 years, not the 3-5 months many people hope for— How to dig beneath surface envy to discover what you truly want when you're envious of something you don't actually desire— The different experiences people of different genders have on dating apps and how this creates unique envy dynamics— Why taking a narrow view often fuels envy, while stepping back to see the full picture can help dissolve itResources mentioned in this episode:— Joli’s Jealousy Resource CenterJOIN The Year of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Delve into the murky waters of envy and its intriguing distinctions from jealousy. Discover how envy reveals deep desires while also reflecting societal inequalities. The discussion highlights the potential destructiveness of envy in relationships, particularly in non-monogamous contexts. Learn practical strategies to transform envy into a tool for self-discovery and authentic living. This eye-opening conversation promises to shift your perception of envy from a negative feeling to a valuable source of personal growth.

New Relationship Energy (NRE) can make everything feel like a shiny object. We get it, we love that feeling too! If you’re practicing non-monogamy, you might actually find yourself feeling NRE in multiple places. We made this episode in response to a listener question—what do I do with all these feelings and expectations? How do I prepare for when this chemical cocktail starts to fade?Even though it’s really exciting, this noisy emotional environment requires thoughtful navigation to maintain balance and authenticity. In this episode we’re helping you navigate everything from the big picture emotional questions to the practical, day-to-day questions like how to manage your schedule.We’re breaking down:— The neurochemical nature of NRE— How NRE can lead us to project our desires onto new partners rather than seeing them clearly— The difference between NRE (new relationship energy) and limerence, and why understanding this distinction matters— Why NRE often causes us to mute our own boundaries and bottom-line requirements— The challenge of maintaining authenticity when we're caught up in the newness of relationships— How to recognize when you're abandoning yourself, your established partners, or your friendships during intense NRE periods— The importance of explicit conversations about expectations rather than just "going with the flow"— Strategies for pacing yourself and managing your energy when experiencing multiple NREs— The transition from NRE to ERE (established relationship energy) and how to nurture deeper connections— Why comparing your relationships is less valuable than examining how you show up differently in each oneResources mentioned in this episode:— Episode 153: Limerence vs. New Relationship EnergyJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Explore the transformative journey of redefining relationships beyond traditional norms. Delve into the vital role of imagination and the significance of grief work in forging new connections. Learn about creating safe spaces for emotional expression and the importance of structured plans during changes. Discover how managing expectations and emotional resilience can enhance partnerships. Embrace the courage to let go while honoring your history, paving the way for beautiful new forms of connection.

What does it really mean to live and love with integrity? How can we stay in integrity while navigating multiple relationships, agreements, needs, and wants that aren’t always in alignment??The reality is that living in integrity, especially when you’re in multiple non-monogamous relationships, requires awareness, honest self-reflection, and sometimes making difficult choices. That may sound overwhelming, but this episode will help you learn how to create a solid foundation of the skills and habits you need to relate with others—and yourself—with integrity.In this episode, we talk about:— What integrity actually means— Why it's so challenging to maintain integrity when different parts of ourselves want different things— How over-functioning and under-functioning in relationships can get in the way of true integrity— Why self-agreements create the groundwork for integrity in relationships— Why shame often comes up when we realize we're out of integrity— How to work with the nervous system response that arises when we notice we're out of alignment— The importance of examining whether we actually want the agreements we're making— Practical ways to rebuild integrity when we've gotten off track— Why acknowledging when we're out of integrity is the first step back towards it— How to handle situations where we keep breaking the same agreementsResources mentioned in this episode:— Episode 123: Weasel Words and Creating more Intimacy in your Relationships— Episode 149: Relationship Agreements 101JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Mollena Williams-Haas, a Kink Doula, writer, and performer, dives into the depths of power exchange and authenticity. She explores the multifaceted world of kink, emphasizing self-acceptance and the joy of sexual exploration. The conversation touches on the complexities of race and consent within kink, advocating for healthy dynamics and self-care. With humor and reflection, Mollena highlights the importance of personal narratives in shaping identity and empowerment, encouraging listeners to embrace their kinks and seek community connections.

Sunny Megatron, an award-winning sexologist and kink educator, explores the surprising benefits of embracing toxic attractions for personal growth. She discusses how delving into kink can enhance intimacy, provide emotional healing, and facilitate self-discovery. The conversation also covers the complexities of sexual identity, the importance of setting boundaries, and navigating power dynamics in relationships. Listeners learn how to turn their past experiences into opportunities for psychological development while highlighting the playful side of personal exploration.

What if the monsters within could actually guide you to the life you desire? This lively discussion encourages confronting your inner fears and embracing shadow work. Personal stories reveal how acknowledging darker traits can lead to growth and deeper relationships. The complexities of human emotion are explored, intertwining intimacy and psychological insights. Listeners are invited to join a community for ongoing support, fostering transformation through shared vulnerabilities. Are you ready to meet your monsters?

Explore the fascinating world of attachment theory and its impact on non-monogamous relationships. Discover how rigid labels like anxious or avoidant can limit our understanding of personal dynamics. Emphasize the significance of context and communication in fostering emotional connections. Challenge misconceptions while advocating for a fluid interpretation of attachment styles. Dive into the journey of personal growth and the importance of self-awareness in cultivating healthier relational patterns.

Some kinds of jealousy can just feel totally overwhelming. They may even make you feel rage. Justice jealousy is definitely one of them.Justice jealousy—a term that was coined by Jessica Fern (one of our favorite authors and recurring PWF guest)—can happen when your partner wasn’t able to provide something for you in the past, and then you witness them providing that same thing to one of their other partners. Ouch!The feelings that come up in these situations can be strong. So we’re here to give you strong frameworks, ideas, and tools that can help you understand, unpack, and work towards finding a resolution. (Spoiler alert, resolution might not look like what you had in mind when justice jealousy is in the picture!)In this episode, we talk about:— Why it’s important to know the difference between jealousy and envy— What underlying issues can fuel strong feelings of justice jealousy— Why it may be more helpful to focus on empathy and understanding instead of strict ideas of fairness— The complexities of relationship repair in situations of justice jealousy— Communication, forgiveness, healing, and the tools that can help you work through justice jealousy and its related issuesResources mentioned in this episode:⁠Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-Monogamy⁠ by Jessica Fern⁠Imago Dialogue: Episode 129 of Playing With Fire⁠JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠⁠⁠Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠⁠Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! ⁠Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here⁠Read the transcript of this episode ⁠here⁠Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠⁠Blue Dot Sessions⁠