199 Why Verbal Agreements Suck (And Why We Still Use Them)

We make verbal agreements with others every day. This can look like something simple—“I’ll bring you a cup of tea”—or like bigger, more complex relationship commitments. But when these agreements live only in our (fallible!) memories, they become vulnerable to misinterpretation, forgetfulness, and even unconscious manipulation.

Writing down every single agreement you make isn’t practical (or necessary), but understanding when to put pen to paper can be the difference between relationship harmony and avoidable harm.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why verbal agreements often lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings

— The difference between everyday agreements and systemic agreements that need documentation

— How writing agreements down helps extract them from the shifting context of conversations

— The role of weaponized incompetence and how it can show up unconsciously in relationships

— Why the mental load of tracking agreements often falls unfairly on one partner

— How to perfection-proof your agreements by including what happens when you can't fulfill them

— The importance of self-awareness in knowing which agreements you can actually keep

— A real-life example of a couple whose weekend-long verbal agreement led to feelings of betrayal

— Why writing is thinking, and how it forces us to clarify what we actually mean

— How different relationship dynamics might require different approaches to agreements

— The painful decade-long aftermath of a misunderstood Christmas agreement in a polyamorous relationship

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Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions