Playing With Fire

Natasha Helfer, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and former Mormon advocate, shares her journey through excommunication and religious deconstruction. They explore spiritual exile, sexual shame, and how privilege shapes religious trauma. The conversation connects questioning high-demand faith with questioning compulsory monogamy, while examining grief, identity rebuilding, and the nonlinear path toward ethical non-monogamy.

New relationships come with agreements from the very first date, whether they’re spoken or not. This conversation explores the risks of trying to seem “cool,” the value of clear communication, and how minimum viable agreements can support both intention and spontaneity. It also covers revisiting agreements, defining terms, taking personal responsibility, and navigating differences in needs and capacity.

A candid community conversation about uncovering wants and needs in non-monogamy. It explores longing, limerence, envy, fantasy, boundaries, and the fear that desire creates obligation. The discussion also considers how to share fantasies safely, trust a partner’s no, distinguish authentic wants from conditioning, and use practical exercises and solo agreements to clarify capacity.

Compersion is often celebrated as the gold standard of non-monogamy, but what happens when joy for a partner’s joy becomes a requirement? This conversation explores compersion’s shadow: emotional performance, jealousy-shaming, enmeshment, and the overlooked value of neutrality. It also considers how grief, envy, jealousy, and subtle forms of warmth can coexist without needing to be transformed.

Relationships are messy, and when you re-imagine life with three instead of two, well, let's just say the complexity multiplies in ways you might not expect, even if you've been practicing non-monogamy for decades. So what does it actually take to build a throuple that both honors each person's individuality and creates a beautiful togetherness? And how do you navigate that when each person brings their own neurodivergence, relationship history, and vision of what love should look like?This week, we're sitting down with Margo, Chris, and Jodi—affectionately known as "the Throupledom"—to talk about their journey of building a relationship that defies easy categorization. These three incredible humans are Year Of Opening® alums, and what unfolded inside their cohort was nothing short of transformative. They've experimented with living arrangements, deconstructed couples privilege from multiple angles, navigated different timelines of NRE wearing off, and created space for one partner to explore mono-amory while staying in a throuple.If you've ever wondered whether it's possible to be in a committed multi-partner relationship while honoring radically different relationship orientations, or if you're curious about what it really takes to dismantle default relationship structures, this conversation is for you.In this episode, we talk about:— How Chris and Margo's 20+ years of "messy" non-monogamy didn't fully prepare them for the game-changing nature of this triad— Why Jodi falling in love for the first time brought up all the "mono normie Disney princess brouhaha" neither of them expected— The pivotal moment when Jodi admitted, "I was trying to break you two up," and how that radical honesty became a turning point— How neurodivergence (ADHD, autism, PTSD) shapes each person's relationship needs and why recognizing these patterns was essential to their survival as a throuple— The difference between bifurcating yourself across relationships versus showing up as your whole self—and why that shift was so challenging for Chris— What happened when the NRE wore off at different times for different dyads (spoiler: it got really hard)— How they've experimented with "multi-nesting" and why they've tried everything from all together in a one bedroom apartment to living separately five minutes apart— Why taking breaks from each other wasn't a sign of failure but actually a crucial tool for growth— The power of parts work (Internal Family Systems) in helping each person recognize patterns without shame— How they're creating space for Jodi to explore monoamory within a thruple, and why that's not actually a contradiction— The difference between equality and equanimity in relationships, and why that distinction was a game-changer— Why they describe themselves as "scientists" in their relationship—constantly experimenting, adjusting, and trying again without attachment to any single outcome— How psychedelic journeys helped Margo recognize the soul-level connection with Chris that gave her confidence to keep choosing this relationship— What it means to find security not through conditionality (marriage, cohabitation, exclusivity) but through the ineffable thread that connects them— Why "home" became such a complicated word for them, and how they're navigating the search for a shared physical spaceJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

When a couple opens their relationship, there’s almost always one partner who tends to take more initiative – to seek out information, read all the books, listen to podcasts, find a poly-aware therapist, initiate important conversations (the list goes on!). This is not necessarily a problem, but it is a dynamic we see all the time, and when it goes unrecognized, unnamed, and unacknowledged, resentment, guilt, and envy can start to build up.We call this the ‘trailblazer and follower,’ and if it feels like you or your partner is doing all the heavy lifting in the opening process, understanding this dynamic may be the key to helping you understand the feelings and patterns that are coming up in your relationship.In this episode, we talk about:— The trailblazer and follower dynamic and why it's so common in relationships opening up— How one partner often ends up carrying the emotional weight of "this was my idea"— Why the follower partner might experience guilt while the trailblazer experiences resentment (even when neither person voices these feelings)— What happens during "the flip" — when the reluctant partner suddenly starts thriving, and the initiating partner feels left behind— The dangerous trap of seeking "parity of outcome" and why symmetry in relationships is neither realistic nor necessary— How unexpressed resentment and guilt can sabotage relationships right when they're about to reach a sweet spot— Why taking full responsibility for your own consent and participation (even when something wasn't your idea) is essential for individuation— The importance of expressing gratitude when you're benefiting from someone else's trailblazing work— How the Imago Dialogue can help partners understand each other's perspectives and do repair work around these dynamics— Why differentiation means accepting that you and your partner will have different experiences, different paths, and different levels of success in non-monogamy— How to recognize when you've fallen into fixed roles and how to shift out of them— What fairness in relationships actually requiresResources mentioned in this episode:— Our episode on Imago Dialogue— Our episode on envying your partner— Our episode on asymmetry and resentment— Our episode on asymmetric relationship agreementsJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Joli Hamilton, a depth-psychology-informed relationship practitioner who created the Relationship Re‑Imagination framework, joins to map a long, non‑linear path for transforming complex relationships. She outlines necessary conditions, key threads like grief, shadow, nervous system and repair, and why ritual, community, and multi‑year timelines matter. The conversation focuses on process, thresholds, and three possible relational outcomes.

They explore reimagining relationships as a creative, continuous process rather than breaking up or reverting to monogamy. They talk about making a liminal container, doing grief work, and why repair and nervous-system regulation are essential. Practical steps include experimenting, creating new written agreements, and celebrating small transitions.

They explore 'bifurcated monogamy' and how splitting your relational life into separate realities causes fragmentation. Topics include psychological splitting, memory gaps, time blindness, and mutually exclusive commitments. They discuss internalized mono‑normative conditioning, privacy versus transparency tensions, and practical tools like journaling and honest calendars to integrate your relational worlds.

A deep dive into what autonomy really means in relationships and why 'you don't owe anyone anything' falls short. They explore how autonomy differs from individuation and how it can be weaponized. Expect discussion of responsibility alongside freedom, the horseshoe effect between enmeshment and extreme individualism, and practical cues like permission language and written agreements.