Playing With Fire

We all carry shame—it's part of the human experience. But what if there was a way to transform that shame into something more nurturing and supportive? In this episode, we welcome back Jessica Fern and David Cooley to discuss their groundbreaking new book, Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love with Parts Work. Jessica describes this as her most important book yet!This isn't just another relationship book—it's a practical guide to understanding and transforming the internal patterns that keep us stuck in cycles of shame, self-criticism, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Whether you're in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, the tools and insights shared in this conversation can help you build more authentic connections with yourself and others.In this episode, we talk about:— What the "shame triangle" is and how it operates within us— How shame narratives are inherited from family, culture, and society rather than being personal flaws— The ways our inner critic can transform into an inner coach with more supportive messaging— How our "escaper" behaviors (like perfectionism, numbing out, or overworking) can evolve into inner nurturers— The connection between attachment styles and our preferred escape strategies— Why addressing our shame triangle is essential for authentic living rather than just surviving— Practical ways to recognize when you're caught in the shame triangle during interactions with partners— How to create a shared language around shame that can deepen intimacy and understanding— The importance of differentiating between raw emotional experiences and the shame stories we tell about them— How this work can help break cycles of intergenerational traumaResources mentioned in this episode:— Jessica and David's new book: Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love with Parts Work (out October 31st)— Jessica's website— David's websiteJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Explore the nuanced world of relationship transitions, especially in non-monogamous contexts. Discover the impact of seemingly small shifts in attention and how they can lead to unexpected friction. Learn about different transition styles and the importance of acknowledging your own needs. Simple rituals can transform parting and rejoining into opportunities for deeper intimacy. The conversation also emphasizes the importance of clear communication and setting norms to make transitions smoother and more fulfilling.

Navigating shared spaces as a polycule can feel like stepping into uncharted territory. Whether you're attending a community event, family gathering, or social outing with multiple partners, the absence of cultural scripts can leave us feeling uncertain and vulnerable. Many of us struggle with questions like: How do we introduce each other? What level of affection is appropriate? What happens if we run into unexpected people?These concerns are completely normal when venturing beyond the default monogamy script that society provides. The good news is that with some preparation and self-awareness, we can create meaningful experiences together while honoring everyone's boundaries.In this episode, we talk about:— Why approaching polycule gatherings as "experiments" rather than perfect events or potential disasters creates a healthier mindset— The importance of having intentional conversations before spending time together in shared spaces— How to handle introductions, labels, and public displays of affection when cultural scripts don't exist for your relationship structure— Creating personal "self-rescue plans" for moments when you feel excluded or uncomfortable in group settings— The value of separating reconnection, aftercare, and debriefing after shared experiences— Why some people feel energized by challenging social norms while others find it uncomfortable— How to navigate situations where some partners are "out" and others aren't— The emotional impact of feeling like someone's "secret" and how different people respond to various levels of relationship visibility— Why processing time varies between individuals— The importance of community support when navigating relationships outside mainstream normsResources mentioned in this episode:— Self-regulation skills training available on YouTubeJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Most of us have been conditioned to follow relationship "escalators," those predetermined paths that dictate how our connections should progress. But what happens when we step off these escalators and design our relationships according to our own values? What if we could move beyond hierarchical thinking and embrace a more expansive view of love and connection?Enter, relationship anarchy, and Dr. Nicole Thompson, who’s joining us to explore this fascinating path to more intentional, authentic connections across every aspect of our lives. We aren’t just talking romance here–relationship anarchy is about reimagining all your relationships by examining and dismantling their power structures.In this episode, we talk about:— What relationship anarchy really means:— How relationship anarchy connects to political anarchist values of self-governance and community care— Why relationship anarchy isn't just about romantic or sexual relationships but applies to all connections in our lives— The difference between "power over" dynamics versus conscious stratification of relationships— How to recognize when you're using hierarchy as a safety mechanism rather than as an intentional choice— The challenge of moving away from obligation-based relationships toward mutuality and choice— Why commitment looks different in relationship anarchy— The revolutionary feeling of knowing someone chooses to be with you when they have complete freedom not to— How to begin practicing relationship anarchy by first recognizing all the relationships you already have— The importance of community in providing multiple sources of love and support— Why relationship anarchy requires ongoing consciousness about power dynamics in all areas of life— How to navigate the reality of finite time and energy without defaulting to unconscious hierarchiesResources mentioned in this episode:— Modern Anarchy Podcast, hosted by Dr. Nicole ThompsonJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Purity culture can often shape our sexuality in ways we don't even realize. Whether you grew up deeply immersed in it or just caught the edges, cultural messages about sexual "purity" impact how we view ourselves, our bodies, and our relationships. But what happens when we start questioning these teachings? How do we reclaim our sexuality and pleasure after being told our bodies belong to someone else?Lauren Elise Rogers joins us to share her powerful journey from purity culture survivor to certified holistic sexuality educator. Her story of transformation—from wearing a purity ring and teaching "Ladies in Waiting" Bible studies to becoming an embodied intimacy coach—shows us that liberation is possible, even after deep indoctrination.In this episode, we talk about:— What purity culture actually is and how it manifests— The subtle ways purity culture shows up even for those who weren't raised in religious households— Lauren's personal experience with purity culture, including her first marriage to a man who later came out as gay— How pleasure became the pathway to Lauren's deconstruction and healing— The challenges of exploring sexuality after leaving purity culture behind— The resurgence of purity culture concepts in modern movements like "trad wife" culture and certain wellness spaces— A powerful exercise for examining your own beliefs about sex, relationships, and pleasure— How questioning our inherited beliefs about sexuality can lead to greater authenticity and joyResources mentioned in this episode:— Lauren's website— The documentary Give Me Sex, Jesus— Mary Magdalene Revealed by Meggan Watterson— The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. LisztJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Explore the inner tug-of-war between the freedom of non-monogamy and the desire for a singular romantic ideal. Delve into the Jungian 'tension of opposites' and discover how embracing these conflicts can lead to significant personal growth. Learn why rushing towards resolution can stifle transformation and how to find creative ways to engage with opposing feelings. Plus, insights into how to weave both monogamous and polyamorous values into your identity, along with practices for reflecting on dreams and symbols.

This episode dives deep into the art of reassurance in relationships, highlighting how effective reassurance varies based on context and individual histories. The hosts explore essential ingredients like empathy and validation, while emphasizing the importance of attunement to a partner's unique needs. Listeners learn how to ask for specific reassuring actions and confront the challenge of balancing personal values with the need for emotional support. The discussion also touches on the complexities of reciprocity versus transactional fairness, making it a valuable resource for those navigating relationship dynamics.

Communication is the foundation of all relationships. But what happens when we're speaking different languages without even realizing it? Often the result is confusion, frustration, and feeling misunderstood.Enter, the fascinating world of high context and low context communication styles. This framework can transform how you understand relationship patterns and help you traverse the complex terrain of negotiated relationships.In this episode, we talk about:— The difference between high context communication (relying on implicit messages, non-verbal cues, and shared knowledge) and low context communication (explicit, direct statements with less room for interpretation)— Why these aren't fixed personality traits but rather strategies we can learn and adapt— How our upbringing shapes our communication preferences (Joli was raised in a low context household but developed high context skills for safety, while Ken was raised in high context but never felt he mastered it)— The healing that can happen when partners understand and adapt to each other's communication needs— Why opening up relationships often requires a shift toward more explicit communication as the context changes— How to navigate the frustration that can arise when communication styles clash (like during special events or anniversaries)— The importance of having meta-conversations about how you communicate when you're in a "cool state," not in the middle of conflict— Why communication patterns aren't static—they evolve over time as relationships deepen and partners learn each other's cues— The safety component of communication styles and how different approaches can make people feel secure or insecure— Why neither style is inherently better—both have their place in healthy relationshipsResources mentioned in this episode:— Edward Hall's anthropological theory on high context and low context communicationJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Many of us hear stories about couples who dive headfirst into non-monogamy without preparation (what I call the "jumping out of the airplane without a parachute" approach). But after 33 years of marriage, Bill and Laura decided to explore non-monogamy through a gradual, education-centered path.They’re joining us to share their experience with this slow and steady approach, which demonstrates the value of taking time to learn, process, and grow together before making significant changes to your relationship structure. Their journey shows us that opening a relationship doesn't have to be impulsive or chaotic—it can be thoughtful, intentional, and deeply rewarding at any stage of life.In this episode, we talk about:— How becoming empty nesters created space for Bill and Laura to explore "something more expansive" in their relationship— The importance of unlearning social conditioning and stepping off the "relationship escalator" (the traditional path of falling in love, getting married, having kids, and then... what?)— Why the process of "unenmeshing" from each other was crucial to their journey and how they practiced it in everyday ways— The challenge of moving from theoretical knowledge to real-world experiences when Bill spontaneously met someone "in the wild"— How they navigated their first big emotional hurdle when Laura had a "freak out" and Bill initially tried to fix it by stopping what he was doing— The rejuvenating effect that opening up has had on their relationship in their 50s, challenging the notion that non-monogamy is "just for young people"— The value of taking things slowly and allowing each person to move at their own pace— How they've become more individuated while maintaining a deep connection with each other— The ongoing process of working with difficult emotions like jealousy and envy rather than expecting them to disappear— Why connecting with community and seeing others model different relationship styles was crucial to their growthJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

When couples consider opening their relationships, one of the most common questions that comes up is: "What will happen to us?" This fear makes perfect sense—you've built something special together, and the prospect of change can feel threatening to the relationship you've carefully cultivated.This question comes from a place of caring deeply about your connection, but it also reveals something important about how we conceptualize relationships in our culture. Many of us have been taught that relationships should involve a certain level of enmeshment, where "we" becomes more important than the individual "I" and "you."Opening up invites us to examine this balance between togetherness and individuality in ways we might never have considered before. It's not just about adding new partners—it's about discovering parts of ourselves and our existing relationships that have been hidden beneath the surface.In this episode, we talk about:— The difference between healthy interconnection and unhealthy enmeshment in relationships— Why differentiation (understanding where you end and your partner begins) is crucial for successful open relationships— How the "matchy-matchy" game many couples play can mask important differences between partners— The ways opening up can reveal unexamined patterns, biases, and wounds in existing relationships— Why it takes 3-5 years to fully adjust to the paradigm shift of non-monogamy— How new relationships can illuminate both old wounds you've experienced and ways you may have hurt your partner— The unexpected positive surprises that can emerge when opening up (like increased sexual energy!)— Why the unpredictability of opening up can be both challenging and rewarding— How justice jealousy can emerge when you see your partner relating differently with someone new— The opportunity for deep relationship repair that opening up can provide— Why friendships can be excellent practice for developing the skills needed in open relationshipsResources mentioned in this episode:— Jessica Fern's concept of Justice Jealousy— Dan Siegel's work on interconnection as a healthy alternative to enmeshment— Imago Dialogue— Rainer Maria Rilke's Letters to a Young PoetJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions