Playing With Fire

When your partner experiences something for the first time with another person—whether it's a first date, first kiss, or first intimate encounter—it can trigger a complex mix of emotions. These "firsts" often carry significant meaning and can create unexpected emotional responses, even when you feel intellectually prepared for them.You might spend months discussing, planning, and considering what opening your relationship will look like, but when the moment actually arrives—when theory becomes reality—many of us find ourselves unprepared for the emotional impact. In this episode, we’re discussing some crucial strategies and reframes you can use to to move through difficult emotions and stay in alignment and connection with yourself and your partner(s).We’re breaking down:— Why firsts can feel so charged, even for experienced non-monogamous people— The importance of examining what meaning you're making about these firsts and how that affects your emotional response— How the unknown aspects of what your partner is experiencing can sometimes be scarier than the reality— Practical nervous system regulation techniques to help you stay grounded when big emotions arise— The value of having a personal "rescue plan" ready for moments of distress— Why community support from people who understand non-monogamy is crucial— How intentional "wallowing" can sometimes be helpful when done with boundaries and time limits— The possibility that you might experience compersion (joy at your partner's joy) rather than distress— Why different levels of transparency and communication need to be negotiated between partners— The importance of surrendering to the unknown and trusting yourself to navigate these new experiencesResources mentioned in this episode:— Neuro-Somatic Intelligence— Free training on nervous system regulation— The Multi-Amory community and Normalizing Non-Monogamy communityJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

What actually changes when you go from swinging to polyamory? Is it just more dates—or a total shift in your emotional and relational world? We explore the real answers—plus the question no one wants to ask: “What if my partner doesn't want to go with me?”This transition is more than a change in labels—it’s a deep reconfiguration of your emotional bandwidth, time, priorities, and sense of self. It often begins with excitement but can stir unexpected grief as you let go of identities, imagined futures, and unspoken assumptions.In this episode, we talk about:— The key differences between swinging, polyamory, and polysexuality— What happens when partners discover they have divergent desires for relationship structures— The importance of clarifying your own needs and wants before making new agreements— Why patience is crucial when learning about yourself and your evolving desires— How to navigate the redistribution of time and energy when relationship structures change— The reality that feelings don’t always follow rules—and what to do when unexpected emotions arise— Why asking someone not to have feelings is an impossible request that can damage relationships— The value of making commitments about actions rather than trying to control emotions— How transitions often reveal differences, resentments, and incompatibilities that were previously hidden— Essential skills for navigating this transition: introspection, conversation, grief work, and repair— Why building resilience is more valuable than creating “perfect” rules to prevent discomfortResources mentioned in this episode:— Imago Dialogue— Structured apologies as a repair techniqueJoin The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.comLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you need to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions

Relationship structures don't have to follow a script. Whether you're monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere in between, you can intentionally design all your relationships to fit exactly who's in them. But what does that actually look like in practice?In this episode, we welcome Annie Undone, a non-binary queer writer whose journey through various relationship styles offers powerful insights into relating. Annie shares their evolution from monogamy to polyamory to relationship anarchy, demonstrating how deconstructing societal expectations can lead to more authentic relationships across all domains of life.We dive deep into what relationship anarchy truly means (spoiler: it's not just about romantic relationships!) and how this framework can benefit everyone—polyamorous or not—by challenging the assumptions we've internalized about how relationships "should" work.In this episode, we talk about:— Annie's personal journey from monogamy through polyamory to relationship anarchy— The simple yet profound definition of relationship anarchy— How to deconstruct heteronormativity and mononormativity in your relationships— Why relationship anarchy can be beneficial even for monogamous couples— The importance of asking "Do I want this, or do I think I should want this?" when examining relationship expectations— How mononormativity can sneak back in even when we think we've moved beyond it— The value of intergenerational relationships and challenging ageism in our communities— Why coming out to family members about non-monogamy might be less complicated than you fear— The challenges of perfectionism in polyamorous communities— How relationship anarchy creates space for aromantic and asexual people in non-monogamous communities— Why symmetry in relationships isn't always the goal (and can sometimes be inherently unfair)— The ongoing nature of relationship deconstruction as a lifelong processResources mentioned in this episode:— Annie’s Instagram— Annie's Patreon— Annie's new e-book, On Polyamory— Book a one-to-one peer support session with AnnieJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

If you’ve been a PWF listener for a while, you know that we love self-agreements. Creating self-agreements based on your goals may sound like a simple process, but we find that some big questions often come up along the way.To answer this week’s listener question, we’re diving deep into value and accountability systems, and we’re giving you practical exercises you can use to uncover your desires and create agreements that actually work for you instead of against you.In this episode, we talk about:— Why all agreements ultimately start as agreements with yourself— The importance of getting explicit about what you actually want versus what you think you "should" want— How to use desire excavation to uncover your true motivations— The power of using verbs in your agreements to make them actionable— Understanding and implementing both natural and manufactured consequences of not following through— Building in rewards and reinforcement for meeting your agreements— Creating support scaffolding through accountability partners, apps, and community— Why perfectionism sabotages agreements and how "daily-ish" can be more effective than rigid expectations— Identifying and removing friction points that get in the way of keeping agreements— Using creative problem-solving to make agreements easier to keep— How keeping agreements with yourself builds self-esteem, integrity, and resilience— The importance of aligning your agreements with your core valuesResources mentioned in this episode:— Oliver Burkeman's book Four Thousand WeeksJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Jealousy and grief are deeply intertwined emotions, often revealing a hidden loss in our relationships. The concept of ambiguous grief shows how emotional shifts can complicate self-perception. It’s fascinating to see how recognizing jealousy can help us appreciate what we value. The podcast explores the mythology of jealousy, emphasizing its role in personal growth. Listeners are encouraged to embrace these feelings and engage in community discussions to enhance emotional health.

Hierarchy in non-monogamous relationships can be one of the most divisive topics in our community. Some people proudly claim they want a hierarchy in their relationships, while others see the word as an immediate red flag. But what's really going on beneath the surface? What are we actually trying to communicate when we talk about relationship hierarchies?In this episode, we dive deep into the nuances of hierarchy, exploring not just what the word means, but what people are truly seeking when they use it. We unpack how power dynamics inevitably enter the conversation, whether explicitly mentioned or not, and how our childhood wounds and need for safety often drive our desire for relationship structures that feel secure and predictable.This week, we’re unpacking:— The split in the non-monogamy community around hierarchical relationship structures— How dictionary definitions of hierarchy often include power dynamics that many people overlook— The difference between wanting to feel important versus having power over others' decisions— Why we often default to hierarchical thinking when we're feeling confused or unsafe— How our desire for safety and predictability drives us toward simplified relationship structures— The painful reality that we can never truly know what tomorrow will bring, regardless of our agreements— Personal stories of how hierarchical dynamics played out in real-life emergency situations— How our inner child parts influence our desire for certainty and safety in relationships— The importance of examining what's actually underneath our desire for hierarchy or primacy— Why the language we choose matters, and how to be more intentional about the words we use to describe our relationships— The value of understanding our own relationship to power when designing our relationship structuresJOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

When we step out of one relationship paradigm, phase, or stage and into another, we often find ourselves in a strange, uncomfortable space—neither here nor there. This space has a name: liminality. From the Latin word "limen" meaning threshold, liminality describes that crucial period between what was and what will be. It's not just a moment of crossing over; it's an extended time of uncertainty, possibility, and transformation.Liminality exists in all facets of life, but for those of us exploring non-monogamy, these in-between periods can show up quite frequently and pose a number of unique challenges. We often want to rush through it, desperate to find solid ground again. But what if those uncomfortable spaces are exactly where the most important growth happens?In this episode, we talk about:— What liminality actually means and why it's such an important concept for understanding relationship transitions— Why the in-between state is so uncomfortable yet necessary for genuine paradigm shifts— How rushing through liminal periods can prevent us from truly reimagining our relationships— The common mistake of carrying old relationship paradigms into new relationship structures— Practical ways to intentionally create and navigate liminal space in your relationships— How small changes in habits and environment can help shift your perspective during transitions— The connection between differentiation practice and creating healthy liminal experiences— Why the discomfort of "not knowing" is essential for personal growth and transformation— Real examples of liminal periods we all experience, from adolescence to career transitions to relationship changes— The value of creating intentional containers for your liminal experiences, whether it's a week, month, year, or longerResources mentioned in this episode:— Episode 194: Reimagining RelationshipsJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

When we open our relationships, we often focus on creating boundaries and agreements around emotions, time, and sex. But there's another crucial element that frequently gets overlooked (until it becomes a problem): money. How we handle finances in our relationships can reveal deep-seated values, trigger old wounds, and create unexpected power dynamics—especially when we start dating outside our established partnerships.The financial aspects of non-monogamy touch on some of our most vulnerable places. They can bring up childhood patterns, highlight privilege differences, and force us to examine our relationship with capitalism itself. While these conversations might feel uncomfortable, they're essential for building healthy relationships with clear expectations and boundaries. Money conversations in non-monogamy can be terrifying—but avoiding them is worse!In this episode, we talk about:— Why money conversations are often avoided until they become painful problems— How our personal money histories shape our approach to finances in relationships (including childhood experiences with scarcity or abundance)— The practical questions that arise when dating: What counts as a "date expense"? Who pays? How do we handle financial disparities?— Why separate accounts can be helpful for financial differentiation in non-monogamy— The challenge of funding separate accounts when income disparities exist between partners— How dating expenses can reveal our values and trigger judgments about what's "worth" spending on— The way money intersects with other resources like time, emotional labor, and childcare responsibilities— Why regular money check-ins are crucial as relationships evolve and circumstances change— How money conversations can actually build intimacy when approached with curiosity and compassion— The importance of allowing partners to change over time and not assuming their financial values remain static— Why examining privilege and socioeconomic differences can be both challenging and a way to deeply connectResources mentioned in this episode:— Imago dialogue as a tool for difficult conversationsJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Many of us experience a relationship renaissance when we first open up. There's a delicious new energy, deeper conversations, rekindled passion, and a sense that we're seeing our partners (and ourselves) in entirely new dimensions. It feels amazing, and naturally, we want to hold onto that feeling forever!But what are we supposed to do when that initial excitement starts to fade?Maintaining this renaissance isn't about freezing that initial excitement in amber. It's about understanding what's really happening beneath the surface and learning how to nurture your relationships in new ways. In this episode, we’re gonna help you gain a deeper understanding of this process, and in turn, yourself and your partners.We’re breaking down:— The new non-monogamy energy phenomenon and why it creates such intense feelings of connection and discovery— Why seeing your partner relate to others gives you access to dimensions of them you've never seen before— How the shift from "exclusivity equals security" to building security through clarity and communication takes years of consistent effort— The difference between trying to maintain the initial high versus investing in ongoing relationality— Why some partners might try to use the renaissance as a reason to return to monogamy ("See? We fixed it!")— How differentiation (recognizing "I am me and you are you") contributes strongly to maintaining intimacy— Why the work of opening up is the relating – it's not just preparation for relating— The importance of self-inquiry and noticing how you actually show up in relationships, not just how you think you show up— Why maintaining unified pacing with your partner becomes impossible in non-monogamy (and why that's actually okay)— How focusing on your own individuation process can help maintain deep connection without trying to recreate that initial highJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

We’ve made a ton of episodes about how to work on relationships once you’re in them. But we also often get asked… how do I actually find good matches while dating??It’s not always as easy as making an online dating profile and seeing how it goes. We often focus so much on what we want in a partner that we forget to ask ourselves what we’re actually available to offer. If you’re struggling with dating, we’re gonna help you get clear on your availability and bottom-line requirements, which just might totally transform the experience from an exhausting exercise to an exciting opportunity for genuine connection.In this episode, we talk about:— The critical difference between knowing what you want in a partner versus knowing what you're available to offer— Why fawning (trying to be what you think others want) leads to unsatisfying connections and wasted time— How to identify and honor your "bottom-line requirements" in relationships— Why the dating pool in non-monogamy can feel smaller, leading to scarcity mindset and compromising on what truly matters— The importance of creating dating contexts that support your authentic self (like choosing coffee shops over romantic restaurants for first dates)— Why having 2-3 specific questions you ask on every first date can help you gather crucial information— How to balance putting your best foot forward without falling into people-pleasing patterns— The value of taking breaks from dating when needed and returning with renewed clarity— Why articulating what you ARE available for is more powerful than listing what you're NOT available forJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions