Playing With Fire

When we're feeling insecure in our relationships (especially during transitions like opening up, navigating new relationship dynamics, or major life changes), we often seek reassurance from our partners. But what does effective reassurance actually look like? How can we offer it authentically without trying to "fix" our partners' feelings? And how do we navigate the complex interplay between reassurance, reciprocity, and fairness?Reassurance in relationships isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. It's an ongoing practice that requires attunement, flexibility, and a deep understanding of your partner's unique needs.In this episode, we talk about:— What reassurance really means: actions, words, and engagement that serve to ease someone's doubts and fears (without guaranteeing those fears will disappear)— Why reassurance needs change based on context, trauma history, and how "full" your threat bucket already is— The essential ingredients for effective reassurance— Why the desire to make everything "fair" in relationships often comes from our wounded parts seeking safety and control— How to ask for specific reassurance: "Can you wrap your arms around me right here and tell me these exact words?"— The challenge of offering reassurance when it conflicts with your values or agreements (like canceling dates with others)— Why some people resist offering ongoing reassurance and what that might mean for the relationship— The possibility of reimagining relationship structures when reassurance needs aren't being met— How our "child parts" often drive our reassurance needs, and why acknowledging this can help us make more aligned requests— The difference between true reciprocity and transactional "fairness"Resources mentioned in this episode:— The Imago Dialogue episode— Imago Dialogue examples— Robin Wall Kimmerer's book Braiding SweetgrassJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Communication is the foundation of all relationships. But what happens when we're speaking different languages without even realizing it? Often the result is confusion, frustration, and feeling misunderstood.Enter, the fascinating world of high context and low context communication styles. This framework can transform how you understand relationship patterns and help you traverse the complex terrain of negotiated relationships.In this episode, we talk about:— The difference between high context communication (relying on implicit messages, non-verbal cues, and shared knowledge) and low context communication (explicit, direct statements with less room for interpretation)— Why these aren't fixed personality traits but rather strategies we can learn and adapt— How our upbringing shapes our communication preferences (Joli was raised in a low context household but developed high context skills for safety, while Ken was raised in high context but never felt he mastered it)— The healing that can happen when partners understand and adapt to each other's communication needs— Why opening up relationships often requires a shift toward more explicit communication as the context changes— How to navigate the frustration that can arise when communication styles clash (like during special events or anniversaries)— The importance of having meta-conversations about how you communicate when you're in a "cool state," not in the middle of conflict— Why communication patterns aren't static—they evolve over time as relationships deepen and partners learn each other's cues— The safety component of communication styles and how different approaches can make people feel secure or insecure— Why neither style is inherently better—both have their place in healthy relationshipsResources mentioned in this episode:— Edward Hall's anthropological theory on high context and low context communicationJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Many of us hear stories about couples who dive headfirst into non-monogamy without preparation (what I call the "jumping out of the airplane without a parachute" approach). But after 33 years of marriage, Bill and Laura decided to explore non-monogamy through a gradual, education-centered path.They’re joining us to share their experience with this slow and steady approach, which demonstrates the value of taking time to learn, process, and grow together before making significant changes to your relationship structure. Their journey shows us that opening a relationship doesn't have to be impulsive or chaotic—it can be thoughtful, intentional, and deeply rewarding at any stage of life.In this episode, we talk about:— How becoming empty nesters created space for Bill and Laura to explore "something more expansive" in their relationship— The importance of unlearning social conditioning and stepping off the "relationship escalator" (the traditional path of falling in love, getting married, having kids, and then... what?)— Why the process of "unenmeshing" from each other was crucial to their journey and how they practiced it in everyday ways— The challenge of moving from theoretical knowledge to real-world experiences when Bill spontaneously met someone "in the wild"— How they navigated their first big emotional hurdle when Laura had a "freak out" and Bill initially tried to fix it by stopping what he was doing— The rejuvenating effect that opening up has had on their relationship in their 50s, challenging the notion that non-monogamy is "just for young people"— The value of taking things slowly and allowing each person to move at their own pace— How they've become more individuated while maintaining a deep connection with each other— The ongoing process of working with difficult emotions like jealousy and envy rather than expecting them to disappear— Why connecting with community and seeing others model different relationship styles was crucial to their growthJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

When couples consider opening their relationships, one of the most common questions that comes up is: "What will happen to us?" This fear makes perfect sense—you've built something special together, and the prospect of change can feel threatening to the relationship you've carefully cultivated.This question comes from a place of caring deeply about your connection, but it also reveals something important about how we conceptualize relationships in our culture. Many of us have been taught that relationships should involve a certain level of enmeshment, where "we" becomes more important than the individual "I" and "you."Opening up invites us to examine this balance between togetherness and individuality in ways we might never have considered before. It's not just about adding new partners—it's about discovering parts of ourselves and our existing relationships that have been hidden beneath the surface.In this episode, we talk about:— The difference between healthy interconnection and unhealthy enmeshment in relationships— Why differentiation (understanding where you end and your partner begins) is crucial for successful open relationships— How the "matchy-matchy" game many couples play can mask important differences between partners— The ways opening up can reveal unexamined patterns, biases, and wounds in existing relationships— Why it takes 3-5 years to fully adjust to the paradigm shift of non-monogamy— How new relationships can illuminate both old wounds you've experienced and ways you may have hurt your partner— The unexpected positive surprises that can emerge when opening up (like increased sexual energy!)— Why the unpredictability of opening up can be both challenging and rewarding— How justice jealousy can emerge when you see your partner relating differently with someone new— The opportunity for deep relationship repair that opening up can provide— Why friendships can be excellent practice for developing the skills needed in open relationshipsResources mentioned in this episode:— Jessica Fern's concept of Justice Jealousy— Dan Siegel's work on interconnection as a healthy alternative to enmeshment— Imago Dialogue— Rainer Maria Rilke's Letters to a Young PoetJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Jealousy can feel overwhelming, urgent, and all-consuming. It can make us want to act immediately—to confront, to check locations, to curl up and hide, or even to rage. But what if instead of rushing to "fix" the situation, we first learned to stay present with ourselves through the storm? This episode is designed for you to use in real time, in the moments that jealousy hits. We’re offering a guided meditation and practical tips for those times when jealousy feels too big to handle.In this episode, we talk about:— How to recognize jealousy in your body and stay present with the physical sensations— The importance of naming your feelings without trying to explain or fix them— Why the urge to take immediate action during jealousy is often counterproductive— How to practice self-compassion when jealousy feels overwhelming— Reconnecting with your values and remembering why you chose your relationship style— The power of bilateral tapping and other nervous system regulation techniques— Why jealousy doesn't mean you're "doing relationships wrong"— How to choose one small, kind step to care for yourself when jealousy is present— The importance of not outsourcing your worth to someone else's actionsResources mentioned in this episode:— The Jealousy Resource Center— The Befriending Jealousy WorkshopJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Jealousy is a natural emotion that can overwhelm relationships if not handled properly. The podcast explains the nuances between jealousy, envy, and insecurity, and stresses the importance of self-regulation. It offers practical tools for supporting partners through jealousy without losing oneself. Listeners learn how shame can create distance and the value of reflective empathy. By understanding jealousy as an opportunity for intimacy, couples can transform challenging moments into a chance for deeper connection.

Reconnecting in long-term relationships is crucial, especially after tough times. The hosts detail their intentional 5-day retreat that sparked renewal in their bond. They emphasize establishing Minimum Viable Agreements to clarify expectations and reinforce communication. Choosing familiar settings is key to deepening connections. Emotional challenges can be turned into growth opportunities through intentionality and active participation. Regular check-ins and explicit dialogue are essential to avoid misunderstandings and nurture a thriving partnership.

When we step outside established relationship norms, we're not just changing our dating lives—we're challenging entire paradigms that shape how we see the world. In this episode, we welcome Marla Schreiber, author of the new book Non-Monogamy and Defying a Paradigm, to discuss what it truly means to question and move beyond mononormativity.Marla brings a fresh perspective as someone who's been practicing polyamory since 2005, when resources were scarce and community was hard to find. Their journey offers valuable insights for anyone questioning relationship structures or feeling constrained by societal expectations.Paradigm shifts aren't just intellectual exercises—they're deeply personal transformations that require courage, patience, and a willingness to exist in uncertainty. Whether you're considering non-monogamy or simply questioning other societal norms, this conversation offers wisdom about the challenging but rewarding process of creating your own path.In this episode, we talk about:— What paradigms are and why they're so difficult to challenge— The humbling experience of trying to create new relationship structures without established models— How mono-normativity is embedded not just in our social world but in legal systems and economic structures— Why it takes 3-5 years (or more!) to truly begin shifting paradigms— The scarcity model that underlies mono-normativity and how it affects our sense of security— Why "exclusivity" often stands in for deeper values and needs that can be met in other ways— How couples privilege operates and why it's challenging to recognize when you're benefiting from it— The courage required to question your approach, even after years of practice— Why defiance can be a powerful tool when challenging established norms— The importance of staying in the "unknown" rather than rushing to create new rigid structuresResources mentioned in this episode:— Marla Schreiber's new book Non-Monogamy and Defying a Paradigm— Marla’s socials: @PolyaMarla— Marla's newsletter at polyamarla.com— The new edition of More Than TwoJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

When we think about altered states of consciousness, we often focus on individual experiences. But what happens when we bring psychedelics into our relationships—especially non-monogamous ones? The potential for healing, connection, and transformation is immense, but so are the risks if we're not careful about our approach.In this episode, we're joined by Dr. Nicole Thompson, a queer, non-monogamous sex and relationship psychotherapist with training in psychedelic integration therapy. Nicole is the host of the Modern Anarchy podcast and founder of The Pleasure Practice. Her groundbreaking doctoral research is the first study on relationship anarchy, and she brings a wealth of knowledge about how psychedelics can support relational liberation.In this episode, we talk about:— How psychedelics function as "non-specific amplifiers" that can enhance whatever is present in your relationships (both the good and challenging aspects)— The crucial importance of set, setting, and integration when using psychedelics for relationship exploration— Why community is medicine—both in psychedelic experiences and non-monogamy— The parallels between non-monogamy and psychedelics as mind-expanding experiences that challenge cultural norms— How psychedelics can help us experience our bodies differently and reconnect with sensation after trauma— The neuroplasticity that occurs during and after psychedelic experiences (and how to make the most of that 72-hour window)— Why self-compassion is essential when navigating jealousy in non-monogamous relationships— The similarities between NRE (New Relationship Energy) and psychedelic states— Practical integration practices that help us incorporate insights from altered states into everyday life— Why focusing on positive experiences is just as important as processing challenges— The importance of harm reduction and testing substances if you choose to use psychedelicsResources mentioned in this episode:— Nicole's podcast: Modern Anarchy— The Psychedelic Jealousy Guide— Fireside Project psychedelic support hotline— Relationship Reflection Integration QuestionsJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Relationships often face ruptures, but effective repair is a learnable skill. Relying on time alone won't heal wounds; it can actually compound them. Genuine communication and accountability are key to deepening intimacy and creating psychological safety. Apologies need to be heartfelt, not performative, and accountability should be specific. The discussion emphasizes that repair is not merely a problem to solve, but an opportunity for growth and resilience in connections, enabling stronger emotional bonds.