Hierarchy in non-monogamous relationships can be one of the most divisive topics in our community. Some people proudly claim they want a hierarchy in their relationships, while others see the word as an immediate red flag. But what's really going on beneath the surface? What are we actually trying to communicate when we talk about relationship hierarchies?
In this episode, we dive deep into the nuances of hierarchy, exploring not just what the word means, but what people are truly seeking when they use it. We unpack how power dynamics inevitably enter the conversation, whether explicitly mentioned or not, and how our childhood wounds and need for safety often drive our desire for relationship structures that feel secure and predictable.
This week, we’re unpacking:
— The split in the non-monogamy community around hierarchical relationship structures
— How dictionary definitions of hierarchy often include power dynamics that many people overlook
— The difference between wanting to feel important versus having power over others' decisions
— Why we often default to hierarchical thinking when we're feeling confused or unsafe
— How our desire for safety and predictability drives us toward simplified relationship structures
— The painful reality that we can never truly know what tomorrow will bring, regardless of our agreements
— Personal stories of how hierarchical dynamics played out in real-life emergency situations
— How our inner child parts influence our desire for certainty and safety in relationships
— The importance of examining what's actually underneath our desire for hierarchy or primacy
— Why the language we choose matters, and how to be more intentional about the words we use to describe our relationships
— The value of understanding our own relationship to power when designing our relationship structures
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Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions