Playing With Fire

Reaching 200 episodes of any podcast is a milestone worth celebrating. But when you're recording with your spouse while simultaneously building a business together? That's a whole different level of achievement.In this special anniversary episode, we pull back the curtain on what it's like to navigate the complex terrain of intimate partnership while also being public-facing business collaborators. Our journey hasn't always been smooth—in fact, there were times when working together nearly broke us apart—but the lessons we've learned have been invaluable for our relationship and for the work we do with others.Whether you're considering starting a venture with your partner or simply curious about how relationships evolve through professional collaboration, tune in for some candid reflections into this messy and beautiful process!In this episode, we talk about:— Our unexpected journey from recording 13 simple book-companion episodes to creating 200 episodes and building a business together— The painful lessons from our first business venture together and how those early struggles shaped our current dynamic— Why the wrong leadership structure in a partnership can create ongoing tension and resentment— How fear-based decision making led to overworking and boundary violations in our early business relationship— The importance of claiming your authentic strengths and limitations when working with a partner— Why watching your partner interact professionally with others can deepen trust in unexpected ways— The spiral nature of learning in partnership—how each "failure" can lead to greater self-awareness if you're willing to be honest about your limitations— How business collaboration can serve as a powerful individuation opportunity when you allow it to reflect your inner world— The delicate balance of supporting your partner's spotlight while managing your own feelings of envy— Why creating a podcast together can be both navel-gazing and self-indulgent and meaningful and potentially transformativeResources mentioned in this episode:— Project Relationship: The book that started our podcasting journey togetherJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

We make verbal agreements with others every day. This can look like something simple—“I’ll bring you a cup of tea”—or like bigger, more complex relationship commitments. But when these agreements live only in our (fallible!) memories, they become vulnerable to misinterpretation, forgetfulness, and even unconscious manipulation.Writing down every single agreement you make isn’t practical (or necessary), but understanding when to put pen to paper can be the difference between relationship harmony and avoidable harm.In this episode, we talk about:— Why verbal agreements often lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings— The difference between everyday agreements and systemic agreements that need documentation— How writing agreements down helps extract them from the shifting context of conversations— The role of weaponized incompetence and how it can show up unconsciously in relationships— Why the mental load of tracking agreements often falls unfairly on one partner— How to perfection-proof your agreements by including what happens when you can't fulfill them— The importance of self-awareness in knowing which agreements you can actually keep— A real-life example of a couple whose weekend-long verbal agreement led to feelings of betrayal— Why writing is thinking, and how it forces us to clarify what we actually mean— How different relationship dynamics might require different approaches to agreements— The painful decade-long aftermath of a misunderstood Christmas agreement in a polyamorous relationshipJOIN The Year of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Ok, so you’re working on nervous system regulation, and you’re working on jealousy. But why is it that the feeling of jealousy can just totally freak out our nervous systems?? In this episode, we’re answering this and other questions about jealousy, panic, and somatics.When jealousy triggers that primal panic in our bodies, it can feel like your world is ending. But we’re not powerless against. There are some practical ways to navigate these intense emotions without letting them derail your relationship and your sense of self, and we’re sharing them with you in this episode!We’re breaking down:— Why jealousy triggers such intense nervous system responses from an attachment theory perspective— The concept of primal panic and how it relates to our sense of safety in relationships— How our attachment systems can remain wired to one person even as we try to create space for multiple relationships— The physiological experience of jealousy as a "high volume" emotion with intense bodily sensations— How neural tags from past experiences, media, and cultural stories can amplify our jealousy responses— The importance of distinguishing between the physical sensations of jealousy and the stories we tell ourselves about what's happening— Practical techniques for managing jealousy in the moment, including tracking sensations, using humor, and co-regulation— Why creating a "rescue plan" for jealousy episodes returns our sense of agency and helps prevent spiraling— The value of asking for specific reassurance that addresses your actual fears rather than generic comfort— How jealousy can reveal important information about ourselves and our deepest fears if we're willing to examine it— Why experiencing jealousy doesn't mean you're "failing" at non-monogamy—it's a normal part of the journeyResources mentioned in this episode:— The Befriending Jealousy Workshop on March 25, 2025, from 7-9pm Eastern time— Episode 170: Jealousy and Attachment Panic— Episode 118: Are there quick and easy ways to manage relationship stress?— Episode 113: How to do hard things and build exceptional love with Elisabeth KristofJOIN The Year of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Envy in relationships can be sneaky. It often hides behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment, making it hard to recognize—even when we're actively looking for it!When we feel envious of our partners, it creates a unique kind of tension. Unlike envying a metamour or someone outside your relationship, partner envy touches on deeper questions about fairness, comparison, and what we truly want. It can be particularly challenging because admitting envy means acknowledging something we lack or desire, which isn't always comfortable. But if you face it head on, partner envy can be a great opportunity for individuation and personal growth.In this episode, we talk about:— How envy of your partner often gets hidden behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment— The difference between wanting what someone has versus wanting to be what they are— Why "fairness" alarms often trigger us to reach for things we don't actually want— The danger of compartmentalizing when comparing ourselves to our partners— Common scenarios where partner envy emerges, especially in newly opened relationships with desire mismatches— How unaddressed envy quickly transforms into resentment that damages relationships— Why partners sometimes pull back from activities to avoid triggering their partner's envy (and why this doesn't actually solve anything)— The reality that shifting relationship paradigms typically takes 3-5 years, not the 3-5 months many people hope for— How to dig beneath surface envy to discover what you truly want when you're envious of something you don't actually desire— The different experiences people of different genders have on dating apps and how this creates unique envy dynamics— Why taking a narrow view often fuels envy, while stepping back to see the full picture can help dissolve itResources mentioned in this episode:— Joli’s Jealousy Resource CenterJOIN The Year of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Delve into the murky waters of envy and its intriguing distinctions from jealousy. Discover how envy reveals deep desires while also reflecting societal inequalities. The discussion highlights the potential destructiveness of envy in relationships, particularly in non-monogamous contexts. Learn practical strategies to transform envy into a tool for self-discovery and authentic living. This eye-opening conversation promises to shift your perception of envy from a negative feeling to a valuable source of personal growth.

New Relationship Energy (NRE) can make everything feel like a shiny object. We get it, we love that feeling too! If you’re practicing non-monogamy, you might actually find yourself feeling NRE in multiple places. We made this episode in response to a listener question—what do I do with all these feelings and expectations? How do I prepare for when this chemical cocktail starts to fade?Even though it’s really exciting, this noisy emotional environment requires thoughtful navigation to maintain balance and authenticity. In this episode we’re helping you navigate everything from the big picture emotional questions to the practical, day-to-day questions like how to manage your schedule.We’re breaking down:— The neurochemical nature of NRE— How NRE can lead us to project our desires onto new partners rather than seeing them clearly— The difference between NRE (new relationship energy) and limerence, and why understanding this distinction matters— Why NRE often causes us to mute our own boundaries and bottom-line requirements— The challenge of maintaining authenticity when we're caught up in the newness of relationships— How to recognize when you're abandoning yourself, your established partners, or your friendships during intense NRE periods— The importance of explicit conversations about expectations rather than just "going with the flow"— Strategies for pacing yourself and managing your energy when experiencing multiple NREs— The transition from NRE to ERE (established relationship energy) and how to nurture deeper connections— Why comparing your relationships is less valuable than examining how you show up differently in each oneResources mentioned in this episode:— Episode 153: Limerence vs. New Relationship EnergyJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Explore the transformative journey of redefining relationships beyond traditional norms. Delve into the vital role of imagination and the significance of grief work in forging new connections. Learn about creating safe spaces for emotional expression and the importance of structured plans during changes. Discover how managing expectations and emotional resilience can enhance partnerships. Embrace the courage to let go while honoring your history, paving the way for beautiful new forms of connection.

What does it really mean to live and love with integrity? How can we stay in integrity while navigating multiple relationships, agreements, needs, and wants that aren’t always in alignment??The reality is that living in integrity, especially when you’re in multiple non-monogamous relationships, requires awareness, honest self-reflection, and sometimes making difficult choices. That may sound overwhelming, but this episode will help you learn how to create a solid foundation of the skills and habits you need to relate with others—and yourself—with integrity.In this episode, we talk about:— What integrity actually means— Why it's so challenging to maintain integrity when different parts of ourselves want different things— How over-functioning and under-functioning in relationships can get in the way of true integrity— Why self-agreements create the groundwork for integrity in relationships— Why shame often comes up when we realize we're out of integrity— How to work with the nervous system response that arises when we notice we're out of alignment— The importance of examining whether we actually want the agreements we're making— Practical ways to rebuild integrity when we've gotten off track— Why acknowledging when we're out of integrity is the first step back towards it— How to handle situations where we keep breaking the same agreementsResources mentioned in this episode:— Episode 123: Weasel Words and Creating more Intimacy in your Relationships— Episode 149: Relationship Agreements 101JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Mollena Williams-Haas, a Kink Doula, writer, and performer, dives into the depths of power exchange and authenticity. She explores the multifaceted world of kink, emphasizing self-acceptance and the joy of sexual exploration. The conversation touches on the complexities of race and consent within kink, advocating for healthy dynamics and self-care. With humor and reflection, Mollena highlights the importance of personal narratives in shaping identity and empowerment, encouraging listeners to embrace their kinks and seek community connections.

Sunny Megatron, an award-winning sexologist and kink educator, explores the surprising benefits of embracing toxic attractions for personal growth. She discusses how delving into kink can enhance intimacy, provide emotional healing, and facilitate self-discovery. The conversation also covers the complexities of sexual identity, the importance of setting boundaries, and navigating power dynamics in relationships. Listeners learn how to turn their past experiences into opportunities for psychological development while highlighting the playful side of personal exploration.