Playing With Fire

If you’ve been a PWF listener for a while, you know that we love self-agreements. Creating self-agreements based on your goals may sound like a simple process, but we find that some big questions often come up along the way.To answer this week’s listener question, we’re diving deep into value and accountability systems, and we’re giving you practical exercises you can use to uncover your desires and create agreements that actually work for you instead of against you.In this episode, we talk about:— Why all agreements ultimately start as agreements with yourself— The importance of getting explicit about what you actually want versus what you think you "should" want— How to use desire excavation to uncover your true motivations— The power of using verbs in your agreements to make them actionable— Understanding and implementing both natural and manufactured consequences of not following through— Building in rewards and reinforcement for meeting your agreements— Creating support scaffolding through accountability partners, apps, and community— Why perfectionism sabotages agreements and how "daily-ish" can be more effective than rigid expectations— Identifying and removing friction points that get in the way of keeping agreements— Using creative problem-solving to make agreements easier to keep— How keeping agreements with yourself builds self-esteem, integrity, and resilience— The importance of aligning your agreements with your core valuesResources mentioned in this episode:— Oliver Burkeman's book Four Thousand WeeksJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Jealousy and grief are deeply intertwined emotions, often revealing a hidden loss in our relationships. The concept of ambiguous grief shows how emotional shifts can complicate self-perception. It’s fascinating to see how recognizing jealousy can help us appreciate what we value. The podcast explores the mythology of jealousy, emphasizing its role in personal growth. Listeners are encouraged to embrace these feelings and engage in community discussions to enhance emotional health.

Hierarchy in non-monogamous relationships can be one of the most divisive topics in our community. Some people proudly claim they want a hierarchy in their relationships, while others see the word as an immediate red flag. But what's really going on beneath the surface? What are we actually trying to communicate when we talk about relationship hierarchies?In this episode, we dive deep into the nuances of hierarchy, exploring not just what the word means, but what people are truly seeking when they use it. We unpack how power dynamics inevitably enter the conversation, whether explicitly mentioned or not, and how our childhood wounds and need for safety often drive our desire for relationship structures that feel secure and predictable.This week, we’re unpacking:— The split in the non-monogamy community around hierarchical relationship structures— How dictionary definitions of hierarchy often include power dynamics that many people overlook— The difference between wanting to feel important versus having power over others' decisions— Why we often default to hierarchical thinking when we're feeling confused or unsafe— How our desire for safety and predictability drives us toward simplified relationship structures— The painful reality that we can never truly know what tomorrow will bring, regardless of our agreements— Personal stories of how hierarchical dynamics played out in real-life emergency situations— How our inner child parts influence our desire for certainty and safety in relationships— The importance of examining what's actually underneath our desire for hierarchy or primacy— Why the language we choose matters, and how to be more intentional about the words we use to describe our relationships— The value of understanding our own relationship to power when designing our relationship structuresJOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

When we step out of one relationship paradigm, phase, or stage and into another, we often find ourselves in a strange, uncomfortable space—neither here nor there. This space has a name: liminality. From the Latin word "limen" meaning threshold, liminality describes that crucial period between what was and what will be. It's not just a moment of crossing over; it's an extended time of uncertainty, possibility, and transformation.Liminality exists in all facets of life, but for those of us exploring non-monogamy, these in-between periods can show up quite frequently and pose a number of unique challenges. We often want to rush through it, desperate to find solid ground again. But what if those uncomfortable spaces are exactly where the most important growth happens?In this episode, we talk about:— What liminality actually means and why it's such an important concept for understanding relationship transitions— Why the in-between state is so uncomfortable yet necessary for genuine paradigm shifts— How rushing through liminal periods can prevent us from truly reimagining our relationships— The common mistake of carrying old relationship paradigms into new relationship structures— Practical ways to intentionally create and navigate liminal space in your relationships— How small changes in habits and environment can help shift your perspective during transitions— The connection between differentiation practice and creating healthy liminal experiences— Why the discomfort of "not knowing" is essential for personal growth and transformation— Real examples of liminal periods we all experience, from adolescence to career transitions to relationship changes— The value of creating intentional containers for your liminal experiences, whether it's a week, month, year, or longerResources mentioned in this episode:— Episode 194: Reimagining RelationshipsJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

When we open our relationships, we often focus on creating boundaries and agreements around emotions, time, and sex. But there's another crucial element that frequently gets overlooked (until it becomes a problem): money. How we handle finances in our relationships can reveal deep-seated values, trigger old wounds, and create unexpected power dynamics—especially when we start dating outside our established partnerships.The financial aspects of non-monogamy touch on some of our most vulnerable places. They can bring up childhood patterns, highlight privilege differences, and force us to examine our relationship with capitalism itself. While these conversations might feel uncomfortable, they're essential for building healthy relationships with clear expectations and boundaries. Money conversations in non-monogamy can be terrifying—but avoiding them is worse!In this episode, we talk about:— Why money conversations are often avoided until they become painful problems— How our personal money histories shape our approach to finances in relationships (including childhood experiences with scarcity or abundance)— The practical questions that arise when dating: What counts as a "date expense"? Who pays? How do we handle financial disparities?— Why separate accounts can be helpful for financial differentiation in non-monogamy— The challenge of funding separate accounts when income disparities exist between partners— How dating expenses can reveal our values and trigger judgments about what's "worth" spending on— The way money intersects with other resources like time, emotional labor, and childcare responsibilities— Why regular money check-ins are crucial as relationships evolve and circumstances change— How money conversations can actually build intimacy when approached with curiosity and compassion— The importance of allowing partners to change over time and not assuming their financial values remain static— Why examining privilege and socioeconomic differences can be both challenging and a way to deeply connectResources mentioned in this episode:— Imago dialogue as a tool for difficult conversationsJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Many of us experience a relationship renaissance when we first open up. There's a delicious new energy, deeper conversations, rekindled passion, and a sense that we're seeing our partners (and ourselves) in entirely new dimensions. It feels amazing, and naturally, we want to hold onto that feeling forever!But what are we supposed to do when that initial excitement starts to fade?Maintaining this renaissance isn't about freezing that initial excitement in amber. It's about understanding what's really happening beneath the surface and learning how to nurture your relationships in new ways. In this episode, we’re gonna help you gain a deeper understanding of this process, and in turn, yourself and your partners.We’re breaking down:— The new non-monogamy energy phenomenon and why it creates such intense feelings of connection and discovery— Why seeing your partner relate to others gives you access to dimensions of them you've never seen before— How the shift from "exclusivity equals security" to building security through clarity and communication takes years of consistent effort— The difference between trying to maintain the initial high versus investing in ongoing relationality— Why some partners might try to use the renaissance as a reason to return to monogamy ("See? We fixed it!")— How differentiation (recognizing "I am me and you are you") contributes strongly to maintaining intimacy— Why the work of opening up is the relating – it's not just preparation for relating— The importance of self-inquiry and noticing how you actually show up in relationships, not just how you think you show up— Why maintaining unified pacing with your partner becomes impossible in non-monogamy (and why that's actually okay)— How focusing on your own individuation process can help maintain deep connection without trying to recreate that initial highJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

We’ve made a ton of episodes about how to work on relationships once you’re in them. But we also often get asked… how do I actually find good matches while dating??It’s not always as easy as making an online dating profile and seeing how it goes. We often focus so much on what we want in a partner that we forget to ask ourselves what we’re actually available to offer. If you’re struggling with dating, we’re gonna help you get clear on your availability and bottom-line requirements, which just might totally transform the experience from an exhausting exercise to an exciting opportunity for genuine connection.In this episode, we talk about:— The critical difference between knowing what you want in a partner versus knowing what you're available to offer— Why fawning (trying to be what you think others want) leads to unsatisfying connections and wasted time— How to identify and honor your "bottom-line requirements" in relationships— Why the dating pool in non-monogamy can feel smaller, leading to scarcity mindset and compromising on what truly matters— The importance of creating dating contexts that support your authentic self (like choosing coffee shops over romantic restaurants for first dates)— Why having 2-3 specific questions you ask on every first date can help you gather crucial information— How to balance putting your best foot forward without falling into people-pleasing patterns— The value of taking breaks from dating when needed and returning with renewed clarity— Why articulating what you ARE available for is more powerful than listing what you're NOT available forJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Reaching 200 episodes of any podcast is a milestone worth celebrating. But when you're recording with your spouse while simultaneously building a business together? That's a whole different level of achievement.In this special anniversary episode, we pull back the curtain on what it's like to navigate the complex terrain of intimate partnership while also being public-facing business collaborators. Our journey hasn't always been smooth—in fact, there were times when working together nearly broke us apart—but the lessons we've learned have been invaluable for our relationship and for the work we do with others.Whether you're considering starting a venture with your partner or simply curious about how relationships evolve through professional collaboration, tune in for some candid reflections into this messy and beautiful process!In this episode, we talk about:— Our unexpected journey from recording 13 simple book-companion episodes to creating 200 episodes and building a business together— The painful lessons from our first business venture together and how those early struggles shaped our current dynamic— Why the wrong leadership structure in a partnership can create ongoing tension and resentment— How fear-based decision making led to overworking and boundary violations in our early business relationship— The importance of claiming your authentic strengths and limitations when working with a partner— Why watching your partner interact professionally with others can deepen trust in unexpected ways— The spiral nature of learning in partnership—how each "failure" can lead to greater self-awareness if you're willing to be honest about your limitations— How business collaboration can serve as a powerful individuation opportunity when you allow it to reflect your inner world— The delicate balance of supporting your partner's spotlight while managing your own feelings of envy— Why creating a podcast together can be both navel-gazing and self-indulgent and meaningful and potentially transformativeResources mentioned in this episode:— Project Relationship: The book that started our podcasting journey togetherJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

We make verbal agreements with others every day. This can look like something simple—“I’ll bring you a cup of tea”—or like bigger, more complex relationship commitments. But when these agreements live only in our (fallible!) memories, they become vulnerable to misinterpretation, forgetfulness, and even unconscious manipulation.Writing down every single agreement you make isn’t practical (or necessary), but understanding when to put pen to paper can be the difference between relationship harmony and avoidable harm.In this episode, we talk about:— Why verbal agreements often lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings— The difference between everyday agreements and systemic agreements that need documentation— How writing agreements down helps extract them from the shifting context of conversations— The role of weaponized incompetence and how it can show up unconsciously in relationships— Why the mental load of tracking agreements often falls unfairly on one partner— How to perfection-proof your agreements by including what happens when you can't fulfill them— The importance of self-awareness in knowing which agreements you can actually keep— A real-life example of a couple whose weekend-long verbal agreement led to feelings of betrayal— Why writing is thinking, and how it forces us to clarify what we actually mean— How different relationship dynamics might require different approaches to agreements— The painful decade-long aftermath of a misunderstood Christmas agreement in a polyamorous relationshipJOIN The Year of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Ok, so you’re working on nervous system regulation, and you’re working on jealousy. But why is it that the feeling of jealousy can just totally freak out our nervous systems?? In this episode, we’re answering this and other questions about jealousy, panic, and somatics.When jealousy triggers that primal panic in our bodies, it can feel like your world is ending. But we’re not powerless against. There are some practical ways to navigate these intense emotions without letting them derail your relationship and your sense of self, and we’re sharing them with you in this episode!We’re breaking down:— Why jealousy triggers such intense nervous system responses from an attachment theory perspective— The concept of primal panic and how it relates to our sense of safety in relationships— How our attachment systems can remain wired to one person even as we try to create space for multiple relationships— The physiological experience of jealousy as a "high volume" emotion with intense bodily sensations— How neural tags from past experiences, media, and cultural stories can amplify our jealousy responses— The importance of distinguishing between the physical sensations of jealousy and the stories we tell ourselves about what's happening— Practical techniques for managing jealousy in the moment, including tracking sensations, using humor, and co-regulation— Why creating a "rescue plan" for jealousy episodes returns our sense of agency and helps prevent spiraling— The value of asking for specific reassurance that addresses your actual fears rather than generic comfort— How jealousy can reveal important information about ourselves and our deepest fears if we're willing to examine it— Why experiencing jealousy doesn't mean you're "failing" at non-monogamy—it's a normal part of the journeyResources mentioned in this episode:— The Befriending Jealousy Workshop on March 25, 2025, from 7-9pm Eastern time— Episode 170: Jealousy and Attachment Panic— Episode 118: Are there quick and easy ways to manage relationship stress?— Episode 113: How to do hard things and build exceptional love with Elisabeth KristofJOIN The Year of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions