196 Envy: How to Use It and How to Lose It

Mar 22, 2025

Delve into the murky waters of envy and its intriguing distinctions from jealousy. Discover how envy reveals deep desires while also reflecting societal inequalities. The discussion highlights the potential destructiveness of envy in relationships, particularly in non-monogamous contexts. Learn practical strategies to transform envy into a tool for self-discovery and authentic living. This eye-opening conversation promises to shift your perception of envy from a negative feeling to a valuable source of personal growth.

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INSIGHT

Envy vs. Jealousy

Envy and jealousy are distinct emotions often conflated.
Jealousy involves a perceived threat to a relationship, while envy stems from longing for another's qualities.

ANECDOTE

Early Misconceptions

Joli and Ken share a past misconception about envy.
They mistakenly believed suppressing jealousy and embracing envy was superior, neglecting envy's destructive potential.

INSIGHT

Envy as Motivation

Envy can be a powerful motivator.
It reveals self-judgments and areas of desired growth.

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Let's be honest—most of us really don’t want to talk about envy. It's uncomfortable, it feels icky, and it brings up all sorts of emotions we'd rather not face. You know we love to talk about jealousy, but understanding envy, especially how it differs from jealousy, can also be incredibly valuable for relational and personal growth.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The difference between envy and jealousy, and why we often conflate them

— How envy involves comparing ourselves to others and breaking people down into parts rather than seeing them as whole humans

— The underlying sense of unfairness that fuels envy and how it can become destructive

— Why envy can be both a powerful motivator and a path to self-destruction

— How envy shows up specifically in non-monogamous relationships, especially when it appears alongside jealousy

— The way envy can point us toward our genuine wants and desires if we're willing to examine it

— How envy can be valuable individuation material that helps us understand our values and what we truly want

— The destructive potential of envy in relationships and communities when left unexamined

— Practical ways to work with envy when it arises, including using it as information rather than letting it control our actions

— The importance of considering not just what we envy in others, but whether we're willing to do what it takes to achieve similar outcomes

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Cinderella and Her Sisters: The Envied and the Envying by Ann and Barry Ulanov

— What is Compersion? by Marie Thouin

— The Drama Triangle concept by Stephen Karpman

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Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions