Why More and More Children are Cutting Off Their Parents
Oct 8, 2022
47:32
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Quick takeaways
Estrangement between parents and adult children is on the rise, driven by societal attitudes towards parental responsibilities and a focus on personal happiness and mental health.
Therapy and the shift towards personal mental health have influenced perceptions of parental behaviors, creating fragile relationships and limiting potential for healing and resolution.
Deep dives
Estrangement between adult children and parents is becoming more common
According to studies, a significant percentage of adult Americans, around 10% with mothers and close to 20% with fathers, have very limited or no contact with their parents. This phenomenon of estrangement has become relatively new and is often driven by changing societal attitudes towards parental responsibilities and increased focus on personal happiness and mental health. Estrangement can occur due to various reasons such as abuse, toxic behavior, mental illness, or even conflicts arising from political differences. Overall, this trend of increased estrangement suggests a growing problem of social isolation and weakening of family relationships.
The influence of therapists in parent-child relationships
Therapy and the popular notion of seeking therapy have become influential in defining and shaping parent-adult child relationships. Therapists are often considered authorities in deciding who should be in one's life and what constitutes a healthy relationship. The shift in the moral framework from a sense of duty and obligation towards a focus on personal mental health has played a role in the perception of certain parental behaviors as harmful or abusive. The belief that parents should only have relationships that protect their mental health has impacted the stability of parent-adult child relationships, as conflict is often labeled as abuse, limiting the potential for healing and resolution.
The role of individualism in family estrangement
The rise of individualism and the focus on personal autonomy and happiness have influenced family dynamics and contributed to the prevalence of family estrangement. Relationships, including parent-adult child relationships, are increasingly based on the principles of personal happiness, and conflicts are interpreted as abusive rather than as opportunities for growth. This shift has made relationships fragile and disrupted traditional ideas of duty, obligation, and the importance of caretaking and guilt. The evolving culture of pure relationships, where the emphasis is primarily on personal fulfillment, has contributed to creating a less resilient and more isolated society.
Reconciliation and rebuilding family bonds
Reconciliation between estranged adult children and their parents requires empathy, understanding, and a willingness to take responsibility for past mistakes. Parents should respect the adult child's boundaries and pace when attempting to rebuild the relationship. On the other hand, adult children should be open to acknowledging positive aspects of the parent-child relationship and be willing to consider the parent's perspective. The goal should be creating shared realities and a safe space for healing, rather than focusing solely on blame or past grievances. While the trend of family estrangement may continue, increased awareness and efforts towards reconciliation can help foster stronger family bonds.
In this week’s conversation, Yascha Mounk and Joshua Coleman discuss why there is a growing number of estrangements between parents and their adult children, how political identification has increasingly become a source of family conflict, and the best strategies for how estranged parents and adult children can heal their relationships.
