Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

  Is your child's refusal to listen driving you CRAZY? You're not alone! In this transformative episode, mom-of-three Chrystal reveals how she went from constant power struggles to peaceful cooperation without sacrificing authority. Discover the exact approach that works when "because I said so" fails. Stop the exhausting battles TODAY and create the respectful relationship you've always wanted with your child.   Questions This Episode Will Answer: Why won't my child listen to me? Children resist when their needs aren't being met. Understanding what's beneath the "not listening" transforms power struggles into opportunities for connection and cooperation.   How do I get my child to listen without threatening or bribing? Focus on identifying both your needs and your child's needs, then problem-solve together to find solutions that work for everyone. This creates willing cooperation rather than reluctant compliance.   Will my child ever listen the first time I ask? Yes! When children know that you'll try to meet their needs as well as your own, they become MUCH more willing to collaborate with you. The path to first-time listening isn't through control but through connection.   Am I creating an entitled child by not demanding immediate compliance? Actually, the opposite is true. Children raised with respectful problem-solving develop stronger empathy, better boundary recognition, and more social skills than those raised with strict obedience requirements.   How do I handle emergencies when I need immediate compliance? Create a foundation of trust by respecting autonomy in non-emergency situations. When true emergencies arise, children who trust you will respond to your urgency because they know you don't overuse your authority.   What You'll Learn In This Episode: The powerful shift from control-based parenting to needs-based problem-solving Why resistance is a signal that needs attention, not defiance that needs punishment How to identify your real non-negotiables versus situations where flexibility serves everyone Practical examples of problem-solving conversations that create willing cooperation The critical difference between limits (changing someone's behavior) and boundaries (what you're willing to do) How to teach children about healthy boundaries by respecting theirs Why "stop means stop" and "no means no" are essential teachings (and how to get your child to respect your 'stop' and 'no') How to recognize when you're getting triggered by your child's "not listening" The surprising truth about how respectful parenting creates more socially capable children Why one intentional parent can make all the difference, even without perfect partner alignment   If you're thinking "but my child NEEDS to learn to listen," this episode directly addresses how this approach creates MORE compliance in situations that truly matter.   Ready to transform your daily battles into peaceful cooperation? Take the next step in our Setting Loving and Effective Limits workshop. Click the image below to sign up.     Jump to highlights 00:45 Introduction of today’s episode 02:00 An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop 06:12 Chrystal’s experience in the Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits workshop 07:46 Saying NO to our child isn’t necessarily the right answer 08:48 Challenges that Chrystal had as someone who was brought up in a religious family 11:44 How resilience will play a big role in our children 13:10 Chrystal’s transition from being controlled to having freedom and autonomy 13:50 As a result of having a strong-willed child, Chrystal experiences a lot pushback and challenges 17:01 When to set limits and boundaries to our children 19:18 Ways to navigate our younger child when we need to take a pause in a situation 21:42 The difference between setting limits and boundaries 23:00 The importance of respectful parenting 24:20 Using body cues instead of saying NO 26:31 Introduction to Problem Solving Conversation: Nonjudgmental Observation 32:52 Our children's resistance creates a "US and THEM" scenario 39:54 The lessons that Chrystal learned from the book called Siblings Without Rivalry. 43:48 White presenting child plays a big role in changing the systems 46:02 Wrapping up the discussion  

  Is gentle parenting just permissive parenting in disguise? This episode reveals a powerful framework for meeting both your needs and your child's, creating cooperation without sacrificing connection.   Is gentle parenting the same as permissive parenting? No, gentle parenting is not the same as permissive parenting. Gentle parenting focuses on meeting both the child's and the parent's needs with respect and empathy. Permissive parenting prioritizes the child's desires without setting appropriate boundaries or considering the parent's needs. Parents can be gentle without being permissive by understanding and meeting their own needs, as well as their child's needs.   Why don't logical consequences and offering limited choices always work? Logical consequences and offering limited choices don't always work because they are often strategies to control a child's behavior rather than addressing the underlying needs driving that behavior. When a child is acting out, they may be seeking connection, autonomy, or have other unmet needs. Logical consequences and choices don't meet these needs, so the behavior continues.   How can I set effective limits without sliding into permissiveness? To set effective limits without becoming permissive, understand that your needs matter just as much as your child's. Identify the underlying need you're currently trying to meet with a limit, and identify strategies that honor both your needs and your child's. This prevents you from prioritizing the child's desires while neglecting your own needs, which is characteristic of permissive parenting.   What's the difference between a natural consequence and a logical consequence? A natural consequence is what naturally occurs as a result of an action such as touching a hot stove and getting burned. A logical consequence is an action that a parent takes as a result of an action, such as taking away screen time because a child didn't do what they were told.   How can I meet both my needs and my child's needs in challenging situations? Meeting both your needs and your child's needs starts with identifying the underlying needs driving the behavior in challenging situations. If a child is stalling at bedtime, they may need connection. A parent can meet this need by spending time with the child before bed, reading an extra book, or engaging in a quiet activity together. This could the child's need for connection, while also meeting the parent's need for the child to go to bed at a reasonable time.   What's the underlying cause of my child's resistance to everyday routines? The underlying cause of a child's resistance to everyday routines is often an unmet need. For example, resistance to putting on shoes may stem from a need for autonomy (if the child wants to do it themselves), or connection (if they want you to do it for them). By recognizing the need, you can find ways to involve the child in the process, such as letting them choose which shoes to wear, giving them a sense of control and making the routine more cooperative.   Is there an alternative to the four traditional parenting styles? Yes, there are alternatives to the four traditional parenting styles (neglectful, authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative). Dr. Diana Baumrind, who created the styles, also found a 'harmonious' method where parents consider the child's ideas as just as important as their own, which sounds a lot like Gentle Parenting - but she decided not to research it further!   What you'll learn in this episode In this episode, we challenge the common misconception that gentle, respectful parenting is the same as permissive parenting.   You'll learn why traditional parenting tools like logical consequences and offering limited choices often don't work in the long run. Logical consequences are essentially punishments that don't address the underlying needs causing resistance, while offering limited choices doesn't truly respect a child's autonomy.   The episode introduces a powerful alternative framework focused on understanding both your needs and your child's needs. You'll see how identifying these needs opens up multiple strategies for cooperation without power struggles. Through real examples like Cori's story with her toddler who resisted toothbrushing for a year, you'll witness how this approach can transform seemingly impossible situations.   We critique the traditional four parenting styles, explaining how they were originally developed as models of parental control rather than approaches to building healthy relationships. We introduce a version of gentle parenting that considers children's needs as equally important as parents' needs - not more, and not less.   You'll gain practical language tools for setting clear boundaries and fostering genuine autonomy. These simple phrases can dramatically shift your interactions from struggle to cooperation.   By the end of this episode, you'll understand how to set necessary limits while still respecting your child's autonomy and building connection. You'll see that it's possible to parent effectively without resorting to power-over approaches - or becoming permissive.   FAQs What's the difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting? Gentle parenting focuses on treating children with respect and understanding the needs behind behaviors, while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. Permissive parenting, on the other hand, prioritizes the child's needs over the parent's needs, allowing children to "walk all over" parents. The key distinction is that this version of gentle parenting acknowledges that both the parent's and child's needs matter equally.   Why do logical consequences feel uncomfortable to use? Logical consequences often feel uncomfortable because they're essentially punishments dressed up in friendly-sounding language. They attempt to control children's behavior rather than addressing the underlying needs causing resistance. When we implement logical consequences, we're using our power over our children in ways we wouldn't consider acceptable in adult relationships.   My child resists everyday routines like toothbrushing and getting dressed. What's really going on? Resistance often signals unmet needs. For example, a child who stalls at bedtime may have an unmet need for connection with you. A child who refuses to get dressed might be seeking autonomy (if they want to do it themselves) or connection (if they want your help). Instead of focusing on changing the behavior, try to identify and address the underlying need. Sometimes meeting needs in one area (like autonomy) can reduce resistance in seemingly unrelated areas.   What can I say instead of "I can't" when setting boundaries with my child? Using "I am not willing to..." instead of "I can't..." acknowledges that you're making a choice based on your needs rather than suggesting you have no choice. For example, instead of saying "I can't play now, I have to cook dinner," try "I'm not willing to play right now because I need to prepare our meal." This language models honest boundary-setting and acknowledges that you're prioritizing certain needs over others in that moment.   How can I encourage cooperation without resorting to limited choices or consequences? Start by asking "Are you willing to...?" which acknowledges your child's autonomy. Ensure this is a genuine choice they can say no to. When resistance occurs, get curious about the underlying needs rather than insisting on compliance. Find creative solutions that meet both your needs, like washing hands with a cloth at the table rather than insisting they go to the sink, or inviting them to help with dinner preparation if they're seeking connection.   What if my child seems to have an insatiable need for connection? Some children do have stronger needs for connection than others. Check in with yourself to see if you're able to meet their need without sacrificing your own needs. When you notice feelings of frustration, anger, or resentment arising, these are signals that it's time to set a boundary. Using "I'm not willing to..." language helps you honor both your needs and teaches your child that setting boundaries is a healthy part of relationships.   How is this approach different from the traditional parenting styles? The four traditional parenting styles (authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful) were originally described by Dr. Diana Baumrind as "models of parental control" rather than approaches to building healthy relationships. They focus on controlling children's behavior rather than meeting everyone's needs. Interestingly, Baumrind actually identified a fifth approach she called "harmonious" parenting, which resembles the needs-based approach discussed in this episode, but didn't pursue researching it further.   How can I tell if I'm being permissive? You're being permissive when you consistently prioritize your child's needs over your own. If you notice feelings of resentment building up or find yourself thinking "they always get their way," these are clues that you might be sliding into permissiveness. The alternative isn't strict control but rather ensuring that both your needs and your child's needs are acknowledged and addressed.   And if you want my complete framework for how to navigate misbehavior, with ALL FIVE of the tools we can use and guidelines on exactly WHEN to use each of them, sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits.   Click the banner to learn more.       Other episodes mentioned 020: How do I get my child to do what I want them to do? 181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead 148:Is spanking a child really so bad?   Jump to highlights 01:21 Introduction of today’s episode 02:47 Many parents believe that gentle, respectful parenting inevitably leads to being permissive. This episode challenges that misconception, arguing that the "slippery slope" from respectful to permissive parenting isn't inevitable. We'll examine why gentle parenting doesn't mean surrendering authority and explore alternatives to both permissiveness and strict authoritative approaches 05:50 Dr. Baumrind identified four methods of parental control, but also found a fifth "harmonious" approach used by parents who rejected the demandingness scale. These parents treated their children's needs as equally important as their own. The six children raised with this approach showed positive outcomes, especially girls, whom Dr. Baumrind noted were "easy to control," reflecting her criteria for effective parenting 10:29 Getting out the door on time, stopping sofa jumping, or ending screen time aren't actual needs—they're strategies we use to meet deeper needs like physical safety, peace, or feeling competent as parents. Understanding the difference between strategies and true needs helps us see what's really driving our parenting decisions 21:24 Logical consequences, are actually punishments created by parents, unlike natural consequences which occur without parental intervention. Natural consequences happen organically without requiring a parent to decide or enforce the outcome 23:55 Logical consequences in parent-child relationships likely count as more than one negative interaction because parents hold significant power over children and serve as primary attachment figures, unlike the adult relationships the Gottmans studied 29:00 When we recognize the underlying need behind a child's behavior, we can find strategies meeting both our needs, instead of relying on logical consequences. With a very young child, offering choices can “work” because they don't fully see that the choices you're offering are not meeting their need for autonomy 36:21 We shouldn't try to address connection needs only during rushed morning routines. Instead, we should take a broader approach, ensuring we meet our children's connection needs throughout the day. When children feel consistently connected, they won't desperately seek attention during high-pressure moments like morning departures or bedtime routines 38:57 When children seek more connection, we introduce boundaries by first checking in with ourselves. If you've met your own needs and can approach your child with an open heart, consider whether their request for connection either meets your own need for connection or doesn't prevent you from meeting another need. In these situations, both your needs and your child's needs are being met, creating a positive outcome 44:09 When we parent were not being permissive but rather balanced, we agree when both our needs align, and set boundaries when our needs aren't being met. This approach teaches children that boundaries are valuable life skills 44:40 Wrapping up the discussion 45:30 An open invitation for Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits workshop   References Lumanlan, J. (2017, January 08). Episode 020: How do I get my child to do what I want them to do?  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/compliance/ Lumanlan, J. (2023, April 9). Episode 181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/givingchoices/ Lumanlan, J. (2022, February 6). Episode 148: Is spanking a child really so bad?.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/spanking/  

  "How can we get on the same page about discipline?" is one of the most common questions parents face. Before having kids, most couples never realize how different family backgrounds, experiences, and parenting beliefs will collide into seemingly unbridgeable differences. This episode explores practical tools to navigate these differences, from de-escalating tense moments to having productive conversations that honor both parents' needs while creating consistency for your children.   Questions this episode will answer Why do my partner and I have such different approaches to discipline? Your differing approaches likely stem from your own childhood experiences, family values, and what you're trying to "fix" from your upbringing. You might also have different core needs you're trying to meet — one parent might prioritize structure and predictability while another focuses on emotional connection. Understanding these differences is key to finding common ground rather than seeing your partner as "wrong."   How do I handle it when my partner disciplines our child in a way I don't agree with? When your partner uses a disciplinary approach you disagree with, jumping in to defend the kids often escalates the situation. Instead, try a de-escalation approach: help everyone regulate with your calm presence, validate each person's feelings, and offer a simple solution that gives everyone an out while preserving dignity. Save deeper discussions for later when kids aren't present.   How can I talk to my partner about discipline without starting a fight? Approach conversations without judgment by framing the discussion around shared goals ("Can we talk about what we want to do when the kids don't listen?") rather than criticizing their approach ("You're too harsh with the kids"). The episode offers 10 indirect questions to help you understand the origins of your partner's beliefs about discipline.   What if my partner thinks gentle parenting "doesn't work"? If your partner is using your imperfect moments as "evidence" that your approach doesn't work, start with self-compassion. We look at how to use tools like The Feedback Process to explore your different ideas and find ways to move forward together.   How can we create a consistent approach that respects both our parenting styles? Start by understanding what's driving each of your approaches rather than just focusing on behaviors. When you identify the underlying needs you're both trying to meet—whether it's creating structure, ensuring emotional connection, or teaching responsibility—you'll often find common ground. The episode provides indirect questions you can use to understand how your childhood experiences have shaped your parenting values. Then you can work together to determine what success looks like for both of you, examine what actually happens with different approaches, and create hybrid solutions that honor each person's core values while giving your children the consistency they need.   What you'll learn in this episode How to use self-compassion when parenting differences arise Self-compassion is essential when navigating differences in discipline approaches with your partner. Dr. Kristin Neff's research shows self-compassion includes self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification. Practice treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a friend when you make mistakes or struggle to align with your partner.   The de-escalation approach for heated discipline moments Instead of undermining your partner in the moment, learn to de-escalate by helping everyone regulate, validating all feelings without taking sides, and offering simple solutions that preserve dignity. This approach prevents your child from triangulating between parents or one parent becoming the "rescuer" while the other is the "bad guy."   How to have non-judgmental conversations about discipline Traditional feedback is given by one person to another, but in parenting you'll be more on the same page when you learn collaboratively. This approach helps avoid criticism, which often triggers the Four Horsemen of relationship conflict: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.   Understanding the validation ladder for better communication Learn the steps of Dr. Caroline Fleck's Validation Ladder to help you deeply understand your partner's concerns. Validation shows "you're there, you get it, and you care" — essential for helping your partner to feel seen and understood before tackling differences.   How to identify and address the needs behind discipline styles Your partner's preference for certain discipline strategies is their best attempt to meet their needs. Learn to identify needs like competence, ease, respect, order, peace, connection, and recognition. Understanding these needs transforms how you view disagreements — what looks like being "too harsh" might be meeting a need for competence, while being "too soft" might be meeting a need for connection.   FAQs How do I stop the good cop/bad cop dynamic with my partner? Break the good cop/bad cop pattern by identifying the underlying needs driving each approach. When you understand these, you can create an approach to dealing with your child's behavior that's more likely to meet both of your needs. Have regular check-ins about what's working and what needs adjustment, away from the children.   What should I do when my partner yells at our kids? In the moment, focus on de-escalation rather than confrontation. Move closer to provide a calming presence, acknowledge everyone's feelings without blame ("I can see we're having a hard time"), and offer a simple solution that gives everyone an out. Save the deeper conversation for later when you're both calm and the kids aren't present. When you do talk, focus on understanding what triggered the reaction rather than criticizing.   Why does my partner parent so differently than I do? Parenting approaches are deeply influenced by our own childhood experiences, cultural backgrounds, and personal values. Your partner's discipline style likely reflects their attempt to either replicate what worked in their family or correct what didn't. Understanding these origins through curious, non-judgmental conversations can help you see their approach as making sense given their history, even if you disagree with it.   How can I get my partner to be more consistent with discipline? Instead of focusing on changing your partner, work together to identify shared parenting goals and values. Use the Feedback Process described in the episode to learn together rather than one person critiquing the other. Determine success criteria together, look at what actually happens when different approaches are used, and construct new understanding about what would work better for your family.   What if my partner disagrees with my parenting approach completely? In the Parenting Membership, we learn communication strategies based in the Gottman Method to address challenges with our partners. When we understand the deep needs behind our partner's approach to discipline (and they understand ours too), we can usually find a path forward that comes much closer to meeting both of our needs. You'll see couples arguing much like you and your partner argue now, and then quickly learning new tools that help you to talk about issues you disagree on without either of you getting triggered.   And we'll give you a preview of those tools in the Full Experience of the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop!   Click the banner to learn more.       Jump to highlights 01:21 Introduction of today’s episode 04:55 Self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff identifies three components: self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification. When struggling with parenting differences, we need all three elements. Instead of harsh self-criticism about parenting conflicts, pause and offer yourself the same kindness you'd give a friend in your situation 08:12 Validation simply acknowledges the legitimate feelings underneath because we all want to be understood by others 12:20 Joellen explains that the feedback process is a process of learning where a learner constructs their own understanding of the information to be able to make it their own 15:55 10 Questions that parents might consider asking to their partner to help get a better understanding of how each parent think of these issues about parenting 18:15 Dr. Fleck identifies validation as crucial for authentic relationships, allowing us to feel seen and loved for who we are. Without validation, others aren't relating to our true selves. This connects to Joellen Killion's feedback process, where participants must understand each other's wants, listen to different perspectives, and find common ground. The goal is mutual respect where neither person claims expertise, but both voices are valued 20:30 Four horsemen of the apocalypse are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling 25:30 The beauty of identifying needs is that while strategies for meeting needs can conflict like a strict consequence system versus a more collaborative approach, the underlying needs rarely do 27:45 Introducing Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits Workshop 33:02 When criticism defines a relationship, facing more criticism feels overwhelming. Retreating into silence and handling things separately seems easier than risking additional pain 34:31 A little introduction on Parenting Membership 47:04 When discussing parenting disagreements constructively, you can explore values without damaging your relationship, instead actually strengthening your connection without emotional tailspins 50:02 Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits Workshop and Parenting Membership information   References Lumanlan, J. (2020, October 18). Episode 122: Self-Compassion for Parents.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/selfcompassion/ Lumanlan, J. (2024, April 14). Episode 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/parentingpartners/ Lumanlan, J. (2025, March 23). Episode 241: Validating children's feelings: Why it's important, and how to do it with Dr. Caroline Fleck.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/validation-dr-caroline-fleck/ Lumanlan, J. (2025, April 13). Episode 242: The secret to having feedback conversations your family will actually hear.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/feedback-family-will-hear/

Joellen Killion, a senior advisor for Learning Forward and author of The Feedback Process, shares insights on refining family communication. She delves into why feedback often triggers defensiveness and how to reframe observations to be constructive. Joellen reveals effective language patterns that encourage openness and strengthen relationships. The conversation emphasizes active listening and the importance of teaching children how to engage in the feedback process positively, transforming potential conflict into growth.

Dr. Caroline Fleck, a licensed psychologist and adjunct clinical instructor at Stanford, discusses the concept of validation in parenting. She explains how validating children's emotions can enhance relationships and emotional intelligence. The conversation covers practical techniques for supporting kids during meltdowns, emphasizing empathy and mindfulness. Dr. Fleck also addresses the societal implications of invalidation and the importance of consent-based relationships, ultimately advocating for respectful and understanding parenting approaches.

Discover strategies to prepare kids for the complexities of the real world while honoring their authentic selves. Learn how to navigate the challenges of food habits and screen time without creating negative relationships. Explore how societal pressures shape children's emotional development and promote genuine expression. Delve into the flawed perceptions of body size and the importance of critical thinking. This insightful discussion emphasizes connection over control, helping children thrive amidst external pressures.

  What truly matters in a baby’s first year? This episode explores the top seven things parents should focus on, helping you set priorities with confidence.   Questions this episode will answer How much influence do parents really have on their child’s development? What parenting practices actually make a long-term difference? Should you be worried about hitting developmental milestones on time? How can you support your baby’s emotional well-being from day one? What are the best ways to foster a strong parent-child bond?   What you’ll learn in this episode Parenting advice changes constantly, often reflecting shifts in culture and scientific understanding. In this episode, we take a research-backed approach to uncover what truly matters in your baby’s first year—and what doesn’t. The Myth of the Perfect Parent: Learn why the definition of “good parenting” has evolved and how cultural expectations influence parenting choices. Nature vs. Nurture: Discover the surprising role genetics and socioeconomic factors play in shaping a child’s future. The Truth About Developmental Milestones: Understand why comparing your child to others can be misleading—and what really matters for long-term success. Helping Your Baby Feel Secure: Explore the key elements of emotional safety and how they support healthy development. Building a Strong Parent-Child Connection: Learn practical strategies to foster trust, communication, and bonding with your baby. Making Parenting Easier: Get clarity on what’s actually worth stressing about—spoiler: fancy baby gear isn’t on the list.   Join us as we use our values to understand how to get parenting right from the start for your baby and family.   If you’re ready to dive even deeper into these ideas and get hands-on guidance in your parenting journey, our Right From The Start course that I run with Hannah & Kelty of Upbringing is here to help.   It’s designed to give you the confidence and tools to support your baby’s emotional well-being, strengthen your bond, and parent with intention—right from the start.   You'll get access to nine modules of content on topics like supporting baby's sleep, feeding with confidence, and supporting a strong sibling relationship. You'll also learn how to meet your own needs - because you're a whole person with needs, not just your baby's parent.   Right From The Start is available anytime, and you get access to a group coaching call once a month for a year after you join. You can give the course as a gift - it might be the most useful baby shower gift anyone can receive (besides the industrial strength laxatives and nipple shields!)   Click the image below to learn more about Right From The Start:   Other episodes mentioned 081: How can I decide which daycare/preschool is right for my child? 079: What is RIE? 084: The Science of RIE Q&A#5: What really matters in parenting? Part 1   Jump to highlights 01:25 Introducing today’s episode 03:35 Socioeconomic status can make a large contribution to children’s outcome 04:57 Traumatic experiences mostly happen among poor families 09:27 Non-exhaustive list of things that don’t matter enough to be worth worrying about for parents who are expecting a baby or have one under the age of one 16:05 Verbalization of comparing each baby's milestone can create the conditions that we know can arouse shame in a lot of people surrounding the baby 21:23 Childcare is the sixth most important thing that can make an impact on a baby’s life in their first year of existence 26:42 Dividing the workload as a parent is one of the essential things that is crucial for the babies 33:39 How do our childhood experiences affect how we discipline our children? 39:53 Approaches in planning the baby’s first year of existence is the third most important idea that matters 43:31 Learning how to interpret someone’s behavior as an expression of their need can be crucial for babies 46:42 Identifying parent needs is the most important factor that matters for the baby's development 52:01 Wrapping up the discussion   References American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (n.d.). Suicide statistics. Author. Retrieved from: https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/ DeSilver, D. (2013, December 19). Global inequality: How the U.S. compares. Pew Research Center. Retrieved from: https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2013/12/19/global-inequality-how-the-u-s-compares/ Hirth, J. M., & Berenson, A. B. (2012). Racial/ethnic differences in depressive symptoms among young women: The role of intimate partner violence, trauma, and posttraumatic stress disorder. Journal of women's health, 21(9), 966-974. National Institute of Mental Health (2023, July). Major depression. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/major-depression#:~:text=disorders%2C%20or%20medication.-,Prevalence%20of%20Major%20Depressive%20Episode%20Among%20Adults,more)%20races%20(13.9%25). United Nations (n.d.) Inequality – Bridging the divide. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.un.org/en/un75/inequality-bridging-divide#:~:text=The%20measurements%20and%20impacts%20of,urbanisation%20raise%20urgent%20policy%20challenges.  

  Feeling Overwhelmed by Parenting Stress? You’re Not Alone.   If you’re exhausted, stretched too thin, and struggling with the stress of parenting, you’re not the only one. Many parents—especially mothers—find themselves running on empty, constantly trying to meet everyone’s needs while their own go unnoticed. Parenting stress can leave you feeling frustrated, drained, and even angry at your kids, whom you love so much.   In this episode, we’re unpacking why parenting can feel like too much and what we can do about it. We’ll explore the hidden pressures that push parents toward burnout, the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves, and small shifts that can help you feel more supported, more present, and less overwhelmed by the daily stress of parenting.   Questions this episode will answer Why does parenting feel so much harder than I expected? Is it normal to feel resentful or emotionally drained from the stress of parenting? Am I an angry parent? Is this just who I am? How can I take care of myself when my kids need me all the time? Why do I feel guilty when I set boundaries or ask for help? What small, doable changes can I make to feel more balanced and present?   What you’ll learn in this episode Why so many parents feel like they’re drowning—and why it’s not your fault What’s really behind that constant exhaustion and frustration Practical ways to lighten the load without adding more to your to-do list How small mindset shifts can make parenting feel less overwhelming How to recognize when parenting stress is turning you into an angry parent—and what to do about it   This isn’t about striving for perfection or forcing yourself to do more. It’s about finding simple, meaningful ways to care for yourself while still showing up for your family.   Parental Burnout Quiz Here's the quiz mentioned in the episode: https://en.burnoutparental.com/suis-je-en-burnout   If you snap at your kids more often than you'd like... If your anger seems to come out of nowhere, and you can't stop it... If you've promised your kids you won't yell at them as much, but keep on doing it...   ...the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help.   Sign up for the waitlist and we'll let you know once enrollment re-opens. Click the image below to learn more.     Core episodes we reviewed 111: Parental Burn Out 130: Introduction to mindfulness and meditation with Diana Winston 122: Self-compassion for Parents 186: How to meet your needs with Mara Glatzel SYPM 009: How to Set Boundaries in Parenting   Other episodes referenced 193: You don't have to believe everything you think 121: How to support your perfectionist child 017: Don't bother trying to increase your child's self-esteem   Jump to highlights 02:21 Introduction of episode 04:05 Four key symptoms of parental burnout 05:00 Factors why the parents in some countries burnout more than others. 06:02 Kelly's burnout experience 08:55 Cortisol level on burnout parent 09:28 Important risk factors for burnout 11:30 The roles of societal expectations on parents 12:58 Personal strategies to address burnout 13:37 Mindfulness awareness 20:25 Self-compassion for parents 21:43 Parents debilitating perfectionism 24:20 Strategy for achieving self-compassion 25:54 Introduction on parental neediness 29:33 The common barrier to prioritize needs 31:31 Need that often get neglected 34:50 Difference between boundaries and limits 38:36 Why we default to limit so much 39:59 What happens when parents don’t set boundaries 43:13 Reasons why parents feel overwhelmed 49:00 Ideas to bring out to life

Struggling to get your child to open up? Discover 8 key reasons kids resist sharing their feelings—and actionable strategies to create real connection.   Why Your Child Won’t Open Up—and What You Can Do   As parents, we deeply want to support our children, but when we ask, “What’s wrong?” and get silence or resistance in return, it can feel frustrating and confusing. Why won’t they just tell us what’s going on? Whether your child is too young to articulate their emotions, brushes off your questions, or reacts with defiance, you’re not alone.   In this episode of Your Parenting Mojo, we explore the real reasons children struggle to express their feelings and how we, as parents, might unintentionally make it harder for them to share. You’ll learn practical, connection-based strategies to shift these dynamics, helping your child feel safe enough to open up—without forcing the conversation. The episode builds on the ideas in my book Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection and Collaboration to Transform Your Family - and the World.   Questions This Episode Will Answer: Why does my child shut down when I ask about their feelings? How can I encourage my child to express emotions—even if they can't or don't speak? Could how I talk to them make them less likely to share? How should I respond when they say, “I don’t care” or “Stop talking like that”? How can I build long-term trust so they confide in me more? What common parenting habits discourage open communication without us realizing it? What strategies can I use to make problem-solving conversations feel safe and collaborative?   What You’ll Learn in This Episode 8 key reasons why kids resist sharing their emotions. How to recognize when your child wants to open up but doesn’t know how. The hidden impact of parenting focused on getting the child to behave correctly—and how to shift toward emotional connection. How to reframe conversations so your child knows you see, know, and love them for who they really are. Actionable tools to help your child feel safe expressing their emotions.   Taming Your Triggers If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because: you’re feeling triggered a lot by your kids’ behavior... they’re not willing to share how they’re feeling with you because they’re afraid of your reaction... they think you’ll just try to get THEM to change... ... then the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you.   Sign up for the waitlist and we'll let you know once enrollment re-opens. Click the image below to learn more.   Other episodes mentioned 207: How not to be a permissive parent 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner 226: Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1 227: Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 2 075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?   Jump to highlights 01:25 Introduction of episode 02:17 How to problem solve with children who cannot verbally share their feelings 04:34 Children might resist sharing their feelings because we’re focused on changing their behavior 07:53 Children might not participate in the conversation because we judge them 11:51 Children might resist participating in conversation because we have already decided what the “correct” solution is in advance 13:30 We haven’t taken time to understand the child’s needs 16:43 The child might not tell how they feel because they don’t know how they feel 19:56 The child might not tell you what’s wrong because you’re asking them in the heat of the moment   References Lisitsa, E. (2013, May 13). The four horsemen: Contempt. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved from: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/ Brittle, Z. (2023, May 29). D is for defensiveness. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/d-is-for-defensiveness/#:~:text=Defensiveness%2C%20defined%20as%20any%20attempt,righteous%20indignation%2C%20counterattack%20and%20whining.

How to heal the anger in your relationship with your spouse Parent Laurie was doing really well when she had two kids. She had been with her partner for a long time, she had just achieved her first managerial role at work, and things were going great - so they thought it would be a good time to add a third child.   Then: Pandemic. Two kids under three. Oldest child started school and had problems that were diagnosed as ADHD and Autism. Navigating all the appointments and calls from school took so much time that Laurie dropped down to part-time work, so her salary would no longer cover the cost of childcare. She quit her job and became a stay-at-home parent. The Anger Begins Then the anger and rage began. Laurie had always had anger throughout her whole life, and thought she knew how to handle it - but this rage was a different story. It felt like she wasn't in control, which is the complete opposite of how she wanted to show up as a parent and as a partner - so she felt deeply ashamed of it.   Her husband Jordan bore the brunt of it - for big issues and small. They had a mouse problem...and one day he left Goldfish crackers out. Laurie was like the villainous octopus witch Ursula from The Little Mermaid who wanted to tear everything down - to tear HIM down. The Impact of Anger on Laurie's Kids Of course her kids heard all of this. Not long after his diagnosis, her oldest son had given a presentation to his class about his family, and he introduced Laurie by saying: "No matter what happens, my Mom is calm and unflappable and she can handle it." It was Laurie's parenting dream come true, since she didn't grow up in a calm house. Laurie felt so ashamed that she wasn't the calm center of the family anymore, and that her kids were afraid of her. Where the Anger Comes From Then she started to learn the sources of her triggered feelings from waaay back in that not-so-calm household. She also learned that getting her husband to change his behavior was not the answer - even though she very much wanted it to be the answer!   She started to heal from the hurts she's experienced, and has learned how to sit with her rage without making it her husband's fault. And from there, she's begun to feel the rage less often.   Now there are more 'magical' moments in their relationship, as they share silly texts like they used to before they had kids. How to Repair After Anger Laurie shares her story in this extraordinarily revealing interview. And at the end I coach her on a challenge she faced that very morning: she's now aware of the difference between feelings and fake feelings (that are really judgments in disguise). But even though she knows the difference she can't always stop herself from directing the fake feelings judgments at her husband - which had started a fight that day.   We talked through how to avoid the judgments next time - and how to repair effectively with her husband later that night. I also share a message Laurie sent me about how the repair went!   I hope you enjoy this inspiring conversation.   Taming Your Triggers Workshop Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Sign up for the waitlist and we'll let you know once enrollment re-opens. Click the image below to learn more.       Other episodes mentioned: 232: 10 game-changing parenting hacks – straight from master dog trainers   Jump to highlights 01:55 Laurie’s introduction 13:40 Laurie’s intentions when she joined the Taming Your Triggers workshop 23:17 The tools that Laurie put into practice and found helpful 34:32 The changes that Laurie has seen in her family 39:18 Importance of recognizing fake feelings and needs 45:25 Doing difficult behavior to receive connection 49:54 Seeing when you feel agitated in your body 54:26 Starting a non-judgmental observation   [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Kelly  00:03 Hi. This is Kelly Peterson from Chicago, Illinois. There's no other resource out there quite like Your Parenting Mojo, which doesn't just tell you about the latest scientific research on parenting and child development, but puts it into context for you as well, so you can decide whether and how to use this new information. If you'd like to get new episodes in your inbox, along with a free infographic on 13 Reasons Your Child Isn't Listening to you and what to do about each one, sign up at yourparentingmojo.com/subscribe. If you'd like to start a conversation with someone about this episode, or you know someone who would find it useful, please do forward it to them. Thank you so much.   Jen Lumanlan  00:56 Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We are here today with a very special guest. We are here with parent Laurie, and we're going to talk a little bit about some changes she's been making over the last few months in her parenting and her relationship with her kids. And we're also going to do a bit of coaching as well, which I'm excited for too. So welcome Laurie. It's so great to have you here.   Laurie  01:17 Oh, I'm so excited. It's funny. I met once like incredibly excited to be with you, your work, actually having a conversation like this, you know, in daylight hours, not in the hash of midnight. You know, try to, and it's also very serious and heavy. So it's a very interesting contrast within and I'm trying to just hold it, hold it together.   Jen Lumanlan  01:37 Hold all of it at the same time. Well, thank you so much for sharing that with us. Yeah, it's, it's a little bit like that with me as well, right? Are we going to make sure that we cover things that listeners find interesting, and also, I know based on our previous interactions, you and I could just talk for hours. So yeah, so why don't you just start off by telling us a little bit about who you are? Where are you, who's in your family?   Laurie  01:55 Sure. So I live on the west coast of Canada in British Columbia, and I'm a mother of three sons. They are ages ten, seven and four and partnered. I have a husband, Jordan, and we've been married. It's in that gray area where you think it's 15 years, but it might be 18, it could even be 20, but been together very, very long time since my late 20s, and I started having kids later in life. So I had my first at 36 and my last at 42. I am currently 46 years old, and what's I want to say about my family? There was something I wanted to I wanted to mention for sure that I thought was relevant to the course, but I'll just leave it there. If you have enough.   Jen Lumanlan  02:42 Yeah, no  worries. And you're a stay at home parent, right? I remember when you introduced yourself, you said, that's a risky turn you didn't see coming.   Laurie  02:49 This was it okay? So, yeah, there was two things I wanted to mention. And one, so I've been kind of working my whole life, and four years ago we had our last child. It was rate in the pandemic, the beginning of the pandemic. And there was some twists and turns I really did not see coming. I didn't realize how exponentially the workload would increase with three. I know that sounds very idealistic and novel, but I was like, Oh, two, it's good. It's good. And then three, I was like, we have 16 kids now. Like, how does anybody do this? Then my eldest was being assessed for certain things, certain struggles were coming up, and we were very curious, but trying to be very open about it. And the school was very generous, but really insisted on a psycho educational assessment. Led to a few other things, and he was diagnosed with autism and about four other comorbidities, almost just like dominoes, like do, do, do, do so autism, ADHD, Developmental Coordination Disorder, some sensory processing issues and some learning challenges, and that change like, then things really, really opened up. And it wasn't just like, worried with the school system of like, Oh, we got some sniffles, or everybody in our family sick. Again, it was, Oh, wow. Like, this is a whole new just world, and learning about terms like IEP, Individualized Education Plan and advocating and trying to teach my son to advocate. And really well meant, but limited resources within the public education system, and there's so many, it just everything went and it felt like a part time job or a full time job, just trying to learn of that. And then lastly on that, what would end up happening is my job. They were wonderful. They tried to say, like, look, let's do a jobshare with you. They were going to give me two days a week and then three days a week, type thing, with another person that was covering my leave, who is also wonderful. But it turned out even that the way I would get called into the school for different meetings and this and that, and this specialist and that specialist and and. Still trying to have a one year old, a two year old, and my person in kindergarten. And then lastly, it ended up to get into the financial I don't recovering all the heavy stuff, the money stuff, but it would be like I would be paying $25 a month to have my kids in care. So it ended up being the salary I would have made, wouldn't have even covered the childcare. And I was devastated. I was gutted because I, just before I had actually got my first, like, managerial role, so I've been working, and I was like, like, I'm I'm doing it, you know, my Mary Tyler Moore hat, like, I'm doing it, and I know doing it. And I kids amazing. And it just kind of slowly these things started happening. I was like, oh, and my hat's kind of like, you know, trampled on the ground somewhere right now. Like, I was like, well, that part has to just go here for now. And we just couldn't afford to actually have me work, which I know sounds bizarre, and now we're at the place where we can't afford for me not to be working. So now I'm trying to claw my back, way back into professional career. Well, still dealing with the with the staff and my youngest will go to kindergarten next year. So this very long answer, but I did not see any of that coming. I worked through all my other kids, young person hoods, in a lot of ways. And then this one, I was like, oh, okay, here we are.   Jen Lumanlan  06:25 Yeah so you've talked through a lot of changes happening, yes, and I am just imagining all of the things in all of that, right, all of your kids diagnoses, and the amount of time that it's going to take to navigate the school system and all of the appointments and everything else and not working anymore, right as you are starting to meet your need for competence in your work in a way that is really meaningful to you. And I'm wondering if maybe any of this is linked to triggered feelings, perhaps, did they start coming out a little bit more than they had?   Laurie  06:57 Oh my gosh. I Oh, Jen, it is so lovely to talk to you. I wish we could be have this three day conversation marathon. I is so I feel seen in a way. I'm almost like tearing up. I haven't been able to say The Mary Tyler Moore, you know, hat and then down on the ground, because it's almost you don't I don't want to make anybody feel bad in my family. Of what of some of the things that was a necessity to kind of keep our stuff going. I felt I've had anger my whole life. I felt anger, and I know how to handle it, but this rage was a different story. Like this felt like I wasn't in control, and it is really the antithesis of how I want to show up as a parent or person or partner in any way, and so, and I'm deeply ashamed of it. So this is the heavy part where I'm really excited to talk to you, but I'm also like, Oh, please don't make me talk about this. I don't want to talk about this at all. This is, like, kind of humiliating, but also so important to talk about. So what would happen is it wouldn't be my children that would set me off so much I had a lot of kind of space for them, although there was moments for sure, but it was my partner, and little things became things that I was ready to burn it all down like, and I met like I was ready to be like the rage would come up so quick, and it would be something as simple as he left all the goldfish crackers out in the cupboard, and at that time, we were dealing with a mouse problem. And part of me was like, Are you kidding me? Like I was ready, like the monster within my inner Ursula with all eight tentacles wanted to come out and tear everything down, and it was very ugly, very painful, and I had to just, I didn't even know how to hold it, like the rage was so this, and the other thing was, is I'm right in perio menopause, and I think that's kind of a magical, amazing Time. It's also incredibly challenging, but I think my inner anything I've pushed down, it's coming, like it's coming for me and it's going to come out now, this is the time of my life where, and it just so coincides, because I had kids later that it's like I'm also going to have young kids during this transition and a marriage that we've kind of defaulted and, oh my God, what did I do to my career, you know? And if something happened to my partner, I don't, I can't even, I'm not even working to provide for my family. So all these things that I said, Oh, I'll never, you know, I'll never be all those. And it's like, Oh no, I am all of those, check, check, check, at the same time. But it was the rage that frightened me. And really I thought, Oh, I've I've got to do something like this isn't and what it was, it wasn't even that I was conscientious of the harm and effect that I was having on my partner. Oh, this is gonna make me cry. But it was just seeing my kids being afraid. Right? So long story. When my son was diagnosed with autism, about six months later, he gave a presentation to his grade three class about having autism. It was so beautiful and touching and incredible and just the way kids are. It was so in the moment and present, and the kids were really cool with each other, and he had to introduce us, and he introduced his status, like, really cool. His Job's really cool. Look at my dad's so cool. And I almost swallowed my tongue when it was his time to introduce me, because at that point, I wasn't working, and he was just introducing people, their job is who they are,...