241: Validating children’s feelings: Why it’s important, and how to do it with Dr. Caroline Fleck

  What exactly is validation? Dr. Fleck defines it as communication that demonstrates you are mindful, understand, and empathize with another person's experience, thereby accepting it as valid.   In this illuminating conversation with Dr. Caroline Fleck, author the book Validation, we explore the powerful concept of validation and how it can transform your relationship with your child. Dr. Fleck is a licensed psychologist, corporate consultant, and Adjunct Clinical Instructor at Stanford University.   After the conversation with Dr. Fleck, I provide my own perspective on the third part of her book. While I found the first two parts on validation techniques extremely valuable and immediately applicable, I share some concerns about using validation as a tool for changing children's behavior. I explore the ethical considerations of consent-based relationships with children and offer an alternative approach focused on understanding needs rather than modifying behavior. The conversation gives you an overview of the very useful validation framework, while the conclusion honors my commitment to respectful, needs-based parenting approaches that maintain children's autonomy and inner experience.  

Questions this episode will answer

• How do I validate my child's feelings when they're having a meltdown?
• Does validating my child's emotions make tantrums worse or last longer?
• What should I say when my child is upset about something that seems trivial?
• How can I tell the difference between validating feelings versus validating bad behavior?
• What are the most effective words to use when validating my child's emotions?
• How does validation help my child develop emotional regulation skills?
• What happens if I've been unintentionally invalidating my child's feelings?
• Is it possible to validate feelings while still setting necessary boundaries?
• What simple validation techniques can I start using today with my child?

 

What you'll learn in this episode

• Simple, practical phrases to validate your child's feelings during difficult moments
• How to respond when your child is upset about something that seems small (like a broken cracker)
• The step-by-step validation ladder you can use with children of all ages
• Why saying "You're OK!" actually makes tantrums worse and what to say instead
• How validation helps your child develop emotional regulation skills faster
• Easy mindfulness techniques to stay calm when your child is emotional
• Specific examples of validation for common parenting challenges
• How to validate feelings while still maintaining important boundaries
• Ways to repair your relationship if you've been unintentionally invalidating
• The connection between childhood validation and long-term mental health

  Whether you're dealing with tantrums, big emotions, difficult conversations, or just want to build a stronger connection with your child, the validation techniques shared in this episode provide a foundation for healthier relationships and emotional well-being.  

Dr. Fleck’s book

Validation: how the skill set that revolutionized psychology will transform your relationships, increase your influence, and change your life (Affiliate link)   Jump to highlights 00:57 Introducing today’s episode and guest speaker 04:06 Definition of validation by Dr. Caroline Fleck 04:38 Importance of validation in our relationships 08:27 The idea that facts are debatable, you have fundamentally uprooted the basis for determining validity 14:44 How does validating other people helps us? 16:48 The role of validating our kid’s feelings in some kinds of situations 20:07 Gender differences in terms of ability to validate and willingness to learn about validating 23:48 Invalidation is one of the single greatest contributors to mental health problems that we often know 27:02 It is possible to develop a self-validation wherein you progress the skills to validate yourself 28:38 The validation ladder has eight skills that map to one or more of those qualities 31:57 How does Dr. Fleck relate “attending” into one of the mindfulness skills 33:56 The other important qualities to attending in non-verbal which is a very critical way of communicating 36:02 Copying is also one of the two important skills that are located at the bottom of the validation ladder 46:23 Equalizing is the idea that anyone in your shoes would always do the same thing 47:48 Proposing is sharing an idea about what you think the other person is thinking or feeling based I what they’ve said in the conversation 54:34 Validating the other person’s worth by demonstrating that you put their experience by sharing 56:09 Dr. Caroline Fleck summarizes the discussion 58:44 Jen’s thought about the third part that focuses on behavioral change and why she took a different approach 01:02:09 DBT is a behaviorist-based approach which serves an important purpose in clinical settings where adults have specifically sought help for behaviors that are causing them distress. 01:08:58 Wrapping up the discussion   References Adrian, M., Berk, M. S., Korslund, K., Whitlock, K., McCauley, E., & Linehan, M. (2018). Parental validation and invalidation predict adolescent self-harm. Professional psychology: research and practice, 49(4), 274.

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Greville-Harris, M., Hempel, R., Karl, A., Dieppe, P., & Lynch, T. R. (2016). The power of invalidating communication: Receiving invalidating feedback predicts threat-related emotional, physiological, and social responses. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 35(6), 471-493.

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Haas, A. P., Eliason, M., Mays, V. M., Mathy, R. M., Cochran, S. D., D'Augelli, A. R., ... & Clayton, P. J. (2010). Suicide and suicide risk in lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender populations: Review and recommendations. Journal of homosexuality, 58(1), 10-51.

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Holopainen, R., Lausmaa, M., Edlund, S., Carstens-Söderstrand, J., Karppinen, J., O’Sullivan, P., & Linton, S. J. (2023). Physiotherapists’ validating and invalidating communication before and after participating in brief cognitive functional therapy training. Test of concept study. European Journal of Physiotherapy, 25(2), 73-79.

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Krause, E. D., Mendelson, T., & Lynch, T. R. (2003). Childhood emotional invalidation and adult psychological distress: The mediating role of emotional inhibition. Child abuse & neglect, 27(2), 199-213.

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Linton, S. J., Flink, I. K., Nilsson, E., & Edlund, S. (2017). Can training in empathetic validation improve medical students' communication with patients suffering pain? A test of concept. Pain reports, 2(3), e600.

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Martin, C. G., Kim, H. K., & Freyd, J. J. (2018). In the spirit of full disclosure: Maternal distress, emotion validation, and adolescent disclosure of distressing experiences. Emotion, 18(3), 400.

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Ruan, Y., Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., Hirsch, J. L., & Bink, B. D. (2020). Can I tell you how I feel? Perceived partner responsiveness encourages emotional expression. Emotion, 20(3), 329.

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Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 30(2), 163-183.