Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

  Are you tired of facing family challenges alone? In this powerful episode, we witness the transformative journey of two parents who discovered that joining a parenting support group can change everything at home.   Parenting wasn't meant to be a solo journey. When sleep deprivation, communication struggles with partners, and children's big emotions become overwhelming family challenges, the right parenting support group makes all the difference. This episode shows how connecting with a supportive parenting community helped transform 45-minute tantrums into 10-minute conversations, restore sleep after years of exhaustion, and address family communication challenges in ways that parenting books alone never could.   Now, more than ever, we need each other. In this re-released episode from two years ago, you'll hear authentic stories that will inspire you to find your own parenting support group and experience the profound changes that happen when parents help each other overcome family challenges.   Questions This Episode Will Answer How can I find a parenting support group when I don't have family nearby? Distance from extended family doesn't mean you must face family challenges alone. This episode demonstrates how intentional parenting support groups can provide even more targeted help than your actual family. You'll learn how to connect with parents who share your values and family challenges, not just parents who happen to live close to you. These parenting support groups create meaningful connections that provide practical help, emotional support, and accountability.   How do I find a parenting support group with members who won't judge me? Finding non-judgmental parenting support begins with seeking communities built on mutual understanding rather than competition. This episode shows how specialized parenting support groups create safe spaces where you can share family challenges honestly - even showing up in tears or looking completely exhausted - without fear of judgment.   Can a parenting support group really help with my child's emotional outbursts? Yes! When parents learn tools like radical listening through supportive parenting groups, children's emotional regulation challenges improve dramatically. This episode demonstrates how one parent reduced tantrum duration from 45 minutes to just 10 minutes by applying techniques learned in her parenting support group.   How do I balance everyone's needs when family challenges leave me exhausted? Meeting everyone's needs begins with recognizing your own. This episode reveals how a parenting support group provides permission to prioritize self-care (especially sleep) as the foundation for better addressing your family challenges, including your children's and partner's needs.   Can a parenting support group help with partner communication challenges? Absolutely. You'll hear how a parenting support group helped identify and address difficult family communication patterns where one partner was agreeing to things they didn't want just to end discussions. Now the partners have an effective framework for honestly communicating about family challenges and needs.   What's more valuable for addressing family challenges - parenting courses or a parenting support group? While quality parenting information matters, this episode reveals how the combination of both creates the most powerful approach to family challenges. You'll hear how structured parenting support groups help you actually implement tools you learn, rather than just collecting more information about family challenges.   What You'll Learn in This Episode Practical ways to find and build your own parenting support group How parenting support groups transform sleep challenges through accountability and permission for self-care The power of techniques learned in parenting support groups to dramatically reduce children's emotional outbursts Methods for improving partner communication about parenting decisions and family challenges Why vulnerability in parenting support groups creates stronger families How to move beyond parenting advice to create lasting transformation of family challenges What happens when parenting support group members invest in each other's success rather than competing The surprising ways parenting support groups free up energy for better addressing family challenges Why small, intentional parenting support groups create deeper change than large forums How to recognize when you need support for family challenges and actually receive it effectively   Frequently Asked Questions What is a parenting support group and why do I need one for family challenges? A parenting support group is a community of other parents who provide emotional support, practical advice, and accountability for addressing family challenges. Unlike most online parenting forums, an intentional parenting support group helps you implement tools consistently, validates your struggles with family challenges, and creates space for growth. Research shows parents with strong parenting support networks experience less stress and make more consistent decisions when facing family challenges.   How can parenting support groups help with sleep deprivation challenges? Parenting support groups provide accountability, permission for self-care, and practical tools for sleep challenges. When you share your sleep-related family challenges with supportive parents, you're more likely to prioritize your rest needs, implement consistent routines, and identify strategies that work for your family's specific situation.   How do I find the right parenting support group for my specific family challenges? Finding the right parenting support group involves looking for communities aligned with your values, moderated by experienced facilitators, and structured for meaningful connection. Seek parenting support groups where members share family challenges openly without judgment, offer experience-based support rather than just advice, and create consistent opportunities for deeper connection.   Can parenting support groups really improve relationship challenges with my partner? Yes, quality parenting support groups can transform partner relationships by identifying communication patterns, providing tools for expressing needs clearly, and creating frameworks for resolving parenting disagreements and family challenges.   What makes small parenting support groups more effective than large online forums for family challenges? Small parenting support groups create psychological safety through consistent membership, deeper relationships, and personalized support for family challenges. Unlike large forums where advice comes from strangers, small parenting support groups allow members to understand each family's unique context, provide relevant suggestions for specific family challenges, and offer accountability over time, leading to more sustained positive changes.   Can parenting support groups help with the unique family challenges of raising a child with special needs? Specialized parenting support groups are particularly valuable for parents facing the family challenges of raising children with special needs or unique situations. These parenting support groups connect you with others confronting similar family challenges, provide specialized knowledge beyond general parenting advice, and offer understanding that may not be available in your geographic community.   If you want help to break down the changes you want to make into tiny manageable steps and be held (gently!) accountable for taking them (or adjusting course if needed…), we’d love to have you join the group of likeminded parents in the membership.   Get the information you need and the support to actually implement it, all in what members call “the least judgmental corner of the internet.”   Click the image below to learn more about the Parenting Membership.     Jump to highlights: 00:54 Introduction of today’s episode 03:23 Jenny and Emma came up with the idea to record an episode for the podcast to talk about how their parenting has changed over the last year 04:30 Emma wasn’t having major problems, but wanted to be prepared for the challenges that may happen down the road 05:23 Jenny was struggling because she hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in 4 ½ years…and now prioritizes herself through the support of Emma and the members of the ACTion group 08:50 Because Emma is a high achiever, she imagined parenthood to be a breeze 10:45 Jenny believed that if you are prepared and serene, and you bring this calm energy to your pregnancy, you will have an easy child 13:36 The lack of understanding of our values is what causes us to be conflicted about becoming parents 15:41 Our child’s big feelings are their way of letting us know that they are not okay. 20:10 It's great to have a community who we can trust, and who will support and respect our values 22:40 The ACTion group conversation once a week gives parents a foundation to parent more intentionally 25:00 Emma used the problem-solving method to find a solution for her child's resistance during nail cutting by trying to hypothesize her child’s feelings. 29:37 Needs can be met when you remove the ‘shoulds.’ 31:12 Emma’s parenting has been a lot less tense over the past year and a half, which was a wonderful surprise 32:45 Jenny saw big changes when she used a deep listening technique with her son during an episode of intense anger and frustration 35:03 Talking about how Parenting Membership change Jenny’s life 46:40 It's life-changing to see a profound change in our children and ourselves when both of our needs are fulfilled

 Most parents believe praise is an essential tool for raising confident, well-behaved children. We've been told to "catch them being good" and "focus on the positive." But what if our well-intentioned praise is actually functioning as a subtle form of control? What if praise isn't just celebrating who our children are, but secretly shaping them into who we—or society—want them to become? In this episode, we'll examine how praise affects children's self-concept, motivation, and behavior. We'll explore research on praise's effects, reflect on our own experiences with praise growing up, and draw on philosophical ideas to understand praise as a tool of power that teaches children to internalize social norms and regulate their own behavior. We'll also learn new tools to create more authentic relationships with our children and helping them develop true autonomy. Click here to download the list of 55 Ways to Support, Encourage, and Celebrate Your Child Without PraiseQuestions This Episode Will AnswerIs praise harmful to children?Praise can function as a form of control, establishing a conditional relationship where your approval depends on your child's actions. The underlying message becomes: "I'm excited about you when you do what I want." This contradicts what children need to flourish: unconditional love and acceptance for who they are, not what they do. What's the difference between praise and appreciation?Praise is evaluative language that judges a person's actions or character as "good" or "bad." Appreciation focuses on the impact someone's actions had on you personally. For example, instead of "good job setting the table," try "Thank you for setting the table—I really appreciate not having to do it myself." Does praise help motivate children?Research on praise's effects is mixed. Some studies suggest rewards undermine intrinsic motivation, while others indicate they can help establish habits. The more important question isn't whether praise works to change behavior in the short term, but what it teaches children about themselves and their worth in the long term. How does praise affect a child's development?Praise can create dependency on external validation. Many adults who received substantial praise as children become reluctant to attempt things they aren't already good at for fear of not receiving praise or worse, receiving criticism. This is often where perfectionism emerges—not from high standards but from fear that without perfection, they won't be valued or loved. What You'll Learn in This EpisodeYou'll discover what praise actually is and recognize when you might be praising your child without realizing it. Praise includes evaluative language like "good job," "you're so smart," or "I'm proud of you," and is typically given with the intention of encouraging children to repeat behaviors. You'll explore how praise functions as more than just emotional encouragement—it operates as a form of social control. When we praise children for certain behaviors, we're teaching them what society values and expects, defining what's "normal" and desirable. You'll understand how children internalize our surveillance through praise. They begin monitoring themselves according to external standards rather than developing their own internal value system. You'll learn practical alternatives to praise, including genuine appreciation that acknowledges specific actions and their impact, curiosity about your child's experiences and perspectives, and connection based on truly seeing your child rather than evaluating their behavior or person. Frequently Asked QuestionsWill my child still behave well if I stop praising them?When we relinquish our role as judges and evaluators of our children's worth, we free them to become their authentic selves. Moving beyond praise creates space for genuine connection based on understanding needs and discovering creative approaches to meeting both your needs and your child's needs. What can I say instead of "good job"?Instead of evaluative praise, you can describe what you observe ("You gave Mario half the cookie, and now he's smiling!"), ask thoughtful questions about what aspects of their project they found most satisfying, or express genuine appreciation for how their actions affected you. How do I know if I'm praising or appreciating my child?Appreciation focuses on the effect your child's action had on you rather than evaluating their character. Avoid labels like "You're so thoughtful" and instead express how their action made you feel or helped you. Do children need praise to feel loved?Children need to experience unconditional love and acceptance for who they are, not what they do. They need to know you're excited about them regardless of their performance or behavior. Other episodes mentioned: 042: How to Teach a Child to Use Manners 159: Supporting Girls’ Relationships with Dr. Marnina Gonick 050: How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Boys 161: New Masculinities for Older Boys with Dr. Michael Kehler & Caroline Brunet 075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid? 233: Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research saysJump to highlights00:46 Introduction of today’s episode03:28 Definition of praise05:47 When we use praise as a tool to make our children repeat behaviors we want, we're still trying to control them, just with a nicer voice and smile. We've changed our approach but not our fundamental goal of managing their actions11:58 Just because you get what you need from an interaction doesn't mean the other person feels equally satisfied15:12 Our dependency on external validation affects our parenting and risks creating the same dependency in our children through praise24:48When we look beyond whether praise gets children to complete chores or affects their motivation, we discover how it fundamentally shapes their relationship with authority and their sense of autonomy. Philosopher Michel Foucault's concept of "normalizing judgment" shows that praise functions as more than just encouragement. It establishes power dynamics between parents and children27:58Self-determination theory, which helps us to see on a step-by-step basis, how we develop motivation to do specific tasks32:00 Current parenting advice favors specific over generic praise. This approach is used as positive reinforcement to encourage children to repeat the praised behavior34:50Belgian researchers Bart Soenens and Maarten Vansteenkiste identified four adolescent response patterns to perceived parental control, including rule enforcement, punishments, and conditional rewards or praise43:45 Researchers concluded that toddler defiance often reflects healthy autonomy and independence, not poor parenting, while ignoring parents is linked more to children of depressed, less responsive mothers49:09Behaviorists view praise as reinforcement encouraging repeated behavior, but McHugh argues it’s more; it reflects authority, shaping which behaviors and qualities are deemed worthy of recognition in children01:00:27 Wrapping up the discussionReferences:McHugh, H. (2025). From oppressive to progressive praise: How, why, and when to praise in conditions of oppression. Journal of Progressive Education, 12(3), 145-162.Corpus, J. H., Ogle, C. M., & Love-Geiger, K. E. (2006). The effects of social-comparison versus mastery praise on children's intrinsic motivation. Motivation and Emotion, 30(4), 333-343. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-006-9039-4Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2020). Taking adolescents' agency in socialization seriously: The role of appraisals and cognitive-behavioral responses in autonomy-relevant parenting. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development, 2020(173), 7-26. https://doi.org/10.1002/cad.20370Lepper, M. R., Greene, D., & Nisbett, R. E. (1973). Undermining children's intrinsic interest with extrinsic reward: A test of the "overjustification" hypothesis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 28(1), 129–137. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0035519Kohn, A. (2018). Punished by rewards: The trouble with gold stars, incentive plans, A's, praise, and other bribes (25th ed.). Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.Lumanlan, J. (July 2, 2017). Episode 042: How to teach a child to use mannershttp://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/manners/

  Is your child's refusal to listen driving you CRAZY? You're not alone! In this transformative episode, mom-of-three Chrystal reveals how she went from constant power struggles to peaceful cooperation without sacrificing authority. Discover the exact approach that works when "because I said so" fails. Stop the exhausting battles TODAY and create the respectful relationship you've always wanted with your child.   Questions This Episode Will Answer: Why won't my child listen to me? Children resist when their needs aren't being met. Understanding what's beneath the "not listening" transforms power struggles into opportunities for connection and cooperation.   How do I get my child to listen without threatening or bribing? Focus on identifying both your needs and your child's needs, then problem-solve together to find solutions that work for everyone. This creates willing cooperation rather than reluctant compliance.   Will my child ever listen the first time I ask? Yes! When children know that you'll try to meet their needs as well as your own, they become MUCH more willing to collaborate with you. The path to first-time listening isn't through control but through connection.   Am I creating an entitled child by not demanding immediate compliance? Actually, the opposite is true. Children raised with respectful problem-solving develop stronger empathy, better boundary recognition, and more social skills than those raised with strict obedience requirements.   How do I handle emergencies when I need immediate compliance? Create a foundation of trust by respecting autonomy in non-emergency situations. When true emergencies arise, children who trust you will respond to your urgency because they know you don't overuse your authority.   What You'll Learn In This Episode: The powerful shift from control-based parenting to needs-based problem-solving Why resistance is a signal that needs attention, not defiance that needs punishment How to identify your real non-negotiables versus situations where flexibility serves everyone Practical examples of problem-solving conversations that create willing cooperation The critical difference between limits (changing someone's behavior) and boundaries (what you're willing to do) How to teach children about healthy boundaries by respecting theirs Why "stop means stop" and "no means no" are essential teachings (and how to get your child to respect your 'stop' and 'no') How to recognize when you're getting triggered by your child's "not listening" The surprising truth about how respectful parenting creates more socially capable children Why one intentional parent can make all the difference, even without perfect partner alignment   If you're thinking "but my child NEEDS to learn to listen," this episode directly addresses how this approach creates MORE compliance in situations that truly matter.   Click the image below to sign up.       Jump to highlights 00:45 Introduction of today’s episode 02:00 An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop 06:12 Chrystal’s experience in the Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits workshop 07:46 Saying NO to our child isn’t necessarily the right answer 08:48 Challenges that Chrystal had as someone who was brought up in a religious family 11:44 How resilience will play a big role in our children 13:10 Chrystal’s transition from being controlled to having freedom and autonomy 13:50 As a result of having a strong-willed child, Chrystal experiences a lot pushback and challenges 17:01 When to set limits and boundaries to our children 19:18 Ways to navigate our younger child when we need to take a pause in a situation 21:42 The difference between setting limits and boundaries 23:00 The importance of respectful parenting 24:20 Using body cues instead of saying NO 26:31 Introduction to Problem Solving Conversation: Nonjudgmental Observation 32:52 Our children's resistance creates a "US and THEM" scenario 39:54 The lessons that Chrystal learned from the book called Siblings Without Rivalry. 43:48 White presenting child plays a big role in changing the systems 46:02 Wrapping up the discussion  

  Is gentle parenting just permissive parenting in disguise? This episode reveals a powerful framework for meeting both your needs and your child's, creating cooperation without sacrificing connection.   Is gentle parenting the same as permissive parenting? No, gentle parenting is not the same as permissive parenting. Gentle parenting focuses on meeting both the child's and the parent's needs with respect and empathy. Permissive parenting prioritizes the child's desires without setting appropriate boundaries or considering the parent's needs. Parents can be gentle without being permissive by understanding and meeting their own needs, as well as their child's needs.   Why don't logical consequences and offering limited choices always work? Logical consequences and offering limited choices don't always work because they are often strategies to control a child's behavior rather than addressing the underlying needs driving that behavior. When a child is acting out, they may be seeking connection, autonomy, or have other unmet needs. Logical consequences and choices don't meet these needs, so the behavior continues.   How can I set effective limits without sliding into permissiveness? To set effective limits without becoming permissive, understand that your needs matter just as much as your child's. Identify the underlying need you're currently trying to meet with a limit, and identify strategies that honor both your needs and your child's. This prevents you from prioritizing the child's desires while neglecting your own needs, which is characteristic of permissive parenting.   What's the difference between a natural consequence and a logical consequence? A natural consequence is what naturally occurs as a result of an action such as touching a hot stove and getting burned. A logical consequence is an action that a parent takes as a result of an action, such as taking away screen time because a child didn't do what they were told.   How can I meet both my needs and my child's needs in challenging situations? Meeting both your needs and your child's needs starts with identifying the underlying needs driving the behavior in challenging situations. If a child is stalling at bedtime, they may need connection. A parent can meet this need by spending time with the child before bed, reading an extra book, or engaging in a quiet activity together. This could the child's need for connection, while also meeting the parent's need for the child to go to bed at a reasonable time.   What's the underlying cause of my child's resistance to everyday routines? The underlying cause of a child's resistance to everyday routines is often an unmet need. For example, resistance to putting on shoes may stem from a need for autonomy (if the child wants to do it themselves), or connection (if they want you to do it for them). By recognizing the need, you can find ways to involve the child in the process, such as letting them choose which shoes to wear, giving them a sense of control and making the routine more cooperative.   Is there an alternative to the four traditional parenting styles? Yes, there are alternatives to the four traditional parenting styles (neglectful, authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative). Dr. Diana Baumrind, who created the styles, also found a 'harmonious' method where parents consider the child's ideas as just as important as their own, which sounds a lot like Gentle Parenting - but she decided not to research it further!   What you'll learn in this episode In this episode, we challenge the common misconception that gentle, respectful parenting is the same as permissive parenting.   You'll learn why traditional parenting tools like logical consequences and offering limited choices often don't work in the long run. Logical consequences are essentially punishments that don't address the underlying needs causing resistance, while offering limited choices doesn't truly respect a child's autonomy.   The episode introduces a powerful alternative framework focused on understanding both your needs and your child's needs. You'll see how identifying these needs opens up multiple strategies for cooperation without power struggles. Through real examples like Cori's story with her toddler who resisted toothbrushing for a year, you'll witness how this approach can transform seemingly impossible situations.   We critique the traditional four parenting styles, explaining how they were originally developed as models of parental control rather than approaches to building healthy relationships. We introduce a version of gentle parenting that considers children's needs as equally important as parents' needs - not more, and not less.   You'll gain practical language tools for setting clear boundaries and fostering genuine autonomy. These simple phrases can dramatically shift your interactions from struggle to cooperation.   By the end of this episode, you'll understand how to set necessary limits while still respecting your child's autonomy and building connection. You'll see that it's possible to parent effectively without resorting to power-over approaches - or becoming permissive.   FAQs What's the difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting? Gentle parenting focuses on treating children with respect and understanding the needs behind behaviors, while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. Permissive parenting, on the other hand, prioritizes the child's needs over the parent's needs, allowing children to "walk all over" parents. The key distinction is that this version of gentle parenting acknowledges that both the parent's and child's needs matter equally.   Why do logical consequences feel uncomfortable to use? Logical consequences often feel uncomfortable because they're essentially punishments dressed up in friendly-sounding language. They attempt to control children's behavior rather than addressing the underlying needs causing resistance. When we implement logical consequences, we're using our power over our children in ways we wouldn't consider acceptable in adult relationships.   My child resists everyday routines like toothbrushing and getting dressed. What's really going on? Resistance often signals unmet needs. For example, a child who stalls at bedtime may have an unmet need for connection with you. A child who refuses to get dressed might be seeking autonomy (if they want to do it themselves) or connection (if they want your help). Instead of focusing on changing the behavior, try to identify and address the underlying need. Sometimes meeting needs in one area (like autonomy) can reduce resistance in seemingly unrelated areas.   What can I say instead of "I can't" when setting boundaries with my child? Using "I am not willing to..." instead of "I can't..." acknowledges that you're making a choice based on your needs rather than suggesting you have no choice. For example, instead of saying "I can't play now, I have to cook dinner," try "I'm not willing to play right now because I need to prepare our meal." This language models honest boundary-setting and acknowledges that you're prioritizing certain needs over others in that moment.   How can I encourage cooperation without resorting to limited choices or consequences? Start by asking "Are you willing to...?" which acknowledges your child's autonomy. Ensure this is a genuine choice they can say no to. When resistance occurs, get curious about the underlying needs rather than insisting on compliance. Find creative solutions that meet both your needs, like washing hands with a cloth at the table rather than insisting they go to the sink, or inviting them to help with dinner preparation if they're seeking connection.   What if my child seems to have an insatiable need for connection? Some children do have stronger needs for connection than others. Check in with yourself to see if you're able to meet their need without sacrificing your own needs. When you notice feelings of frustration, anger, or resentment arising, these are signals that it's time to set a boundary. Using "I'm not willing to..." language helps you honor both your needs and teaches your child that setting boundaries is a healthy part of relationships.   How is this approach different from the traditional parenting styles? The four traditional parenting styles (authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful) were originally described by Dr. Diana Baumrind as "models of parental control" rather than approaches to building healthy relationships. They focus on controlling children's behavior rather than meeting everyone's needs. Interestingly, Baumrind actually identified a fifth approach she called "harmonious" parenting, which resembles the needs-based approach discussed in this episode, but didn't pursue researching it further.   How can I tell if I'm being permissive? You're being permissive when you consistently prioritize your child's needs over your own. If you notice feelings of resentment building up or find yourself thinking "they always get their way," these are clues that you might be sliding into permissiveness. The alternative isn't strict control but rather ensuring that both your needs and your child's needs are acknowledged and addressed.   And if you want my complete framework for how to navigate misbehavior, with ALL FIVE of the tools we can use and guidelines on exactly WHEN to use each of them, sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits.   Click the banner to learn more.       Other episodes mentioned 020: How do I get my child to do what I want them to do? 181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead 148:Is spanking a child really so bad?   Jump to highlights 01:21 Introduction of today’s episode 02:47 Many parents believe that gentle, respectful parenting inevitably leads to being permissive. This episode challenges that misconception, arguing that the "slippery slope" from respectful to permissive parenting isn't inevitable. We'll examine why gentle parenting doesn't mean surrendering authority and explore alternatives to both permissiveness and strict authoritative approaches 05:50 Dr. Baumrind identified four methods of parental control, but also found a fifth "harmonious" approach used by parents who rejected the demandingness scale. These parents treated their children's needs as equally important as their own. The six children raised with this approach showed positive outcomes, especially girls, whom Dr. Baumrind noted were "easy to control," reflecting her criteria for effective parenting 10:29 Getting out the door on time, stopping sofa jumping, or ending screen time aren't actual needs—they're strategies we use to meet deeper needs like physical safety, peace, or feeling competent as parents. Understanding the difference between strategies and true needs helps us see what's really driving our parenting decisions 21:24 Logical consequences, are actually punishments created by parents, unlike natural consequences which occur without parental intervention. Natural consequences happen organically without requiring a parent to decide or enforce the outcome 23:55 Logical consequences in parent-child relationships likely count as more than one negative interaction because parents hold significant power over children and serve as primary attachment figures, unlike the adult relationships the Gottmans studied 29:00 When we recognize the underlying need behind a child's behavior, we can find strategies meeting both our needs, instead of relying on logical consequences. With a very young child, offering choices can “work” because they don't fully see that the choices you're offering are not meeting their need for autonomy 36:21 We shouldn't try to address connection needs only during rushed morning routines. Instead, we should take a broader approach, ensuring we meet our children's connection needs throughout the day. When children feel consistently connected, they won't desperately seek attention during high-pressure moments like morning departures or bedtime routines 38:57 When children seek more connection, we introduce boundaries by first checking in with ourselves. If you've met your own needs and can approach your child with an open heart, consider whether their request for connection either meets your own need for connection or doesn't prevent you from meeting another need. In these situations, both your needs and your child's needs are being met, creating a positive outcome 44:09 When we parent were not being permissive but rather balanced, we agree when both our needs align, and set boundaries when our needs aren't being met. This approach teaches children that boundaries are valuable life skills 44:40 Wrapping up the discussion 45:30 An open invitation for Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits workshop   References Lumanlan, J. (2017, January 08). Episode 020: How do I get my child to do what I want them to do?  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/compliance/ Lumanlan, J. (2023, April 9). Episode 181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/givingchoices/ Lumanlan, J. (2022, February 6). Episode 148: Is spanking a child really so bad?.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/spanking/  

  "How can we get on the same page about discipline?" is one of the most common questions parents face. Before having kids, most couples never realize how different family backgrounds, experiences, and parenting beliefs will collide into seemingly unbridgeable differences. This episode explores practical tools to navigate these differences, from de-escalating tense moments to having productive conversations that honor both parents' needs while creating consistency for your children.   Questions this episode will answer Why do my partner and I have such different approaches to discipline? Your differing approaches likely stem from your own childhood experiences, family values, and what you're trying to "fix" from your upbringing. You might also have different core needs you're trying to meet — one parent might prioritize structure and predictability while another focuses on emotional connection. Understanding these differences is key to finding common ground rather than seeing your partner as "wrong."   How do I handle it when my partner disciplines our child in a way I don't agree with? When your partner uses a disciplinary approach you disagree with, jumping in to defend the kids often escalates the situation. Instead, try a de-escalation approach: help everyone regulate with your calm presence, validate each person's feelings, and offer a simple solution that gives everyone an out while preserving dignity. Save deeper discussions for later when kids aren't present.   How can I talk to my partner about discipline without starting a fight? Approach conversations without judgment by framing the discussion around shared goals ("Can we talk about what we want to do when the kids don't listen?") rather than criticizing their approach ("You're too harsh with the kids"). The episode offers 10 indirect questions to help you understand the origins of your partner's beliefs about discipline.   What if my partner thinks gentle parenting "doesn't work"? If your partner is using your imperfect moments as "evidence" that your approach doesn't work, start with self-compassion. We look at how to use tools like The Feedback Process to explore your different ideas and find ways to move forward together.   How can we create a consistent approach that respects both our parenting styles? Start by understanding what's driving each of your approaches rather than just focusing on behaviors. When you identify the underlying needs you're both trying to meet—whether it's creating structure, ensuring emotional connection, or teaching responsibility—you'll often find common ground. The episode provides indirect questions you can use to understand how your childhood experiences have shaped your parenting values. Then you can work together to determine what success looks like for both of you, examine what actually happens with different approaches, and create hybrid solutions that honor each person's core values while giving your children the consistency they need.   What you'll learn in this episode How to use self-compassion when parenting differences arise Self-compassion is essential when navigating differences in discipline approaches with your partner. Dr. Kristin Neff's research shows self-compassion includes self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification. Practice treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a friend when you make mistakes or struggle to align with your partner.   The de-escalation approach for heated discipline moments Instead of undermining your partner in the moment, learn to de-escalate by helping everyone regulate, validating all feelings without taking sides, and offering simple solutions that preserve dignity. This approach prevents your child from triangulating between parents or one parent becoming the "rescuer" while the other is the "bad guy."   How to have non-judgmental conversations about discipline Traditional feedback is given by one person to another, but in parenting you'll be more on the same page when you learn collaboratively. This approach helps avoid criticism, which often triggers the Four Horsemen of relationship conflict: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.   Understanding the validation ladder for better communication Learn the steps of Dr. Caroline Fleck's Validation Ladder to help you deeply understand your partner's concerns. Validation shows "you're there, you get it, and you care" — essential for helping your partner to feel seen and understood before tackling differences.   How to identify and address the needs behind discipline styles Your partner's preference for certain discipline strategies is their best attempt to meet their needs. Learn to identify needs like competence, ease, respect, order, peace, connection, and recognition. Understanding these needs transforms how you view disagreements — what looks like being "too harsh" might be meeting a need for competence, while being "too soft" might be meeting a need for connection.   FAQs How do I stop the good cop/bad cop dynamic with my partner? Break the good cop/bad cop pattern by identifying the underlying needs driving each approach. When you understand these, you can create an approach to dealing with your child's behavior that's more likely to meet both of your needs. Have regular check-ins about what's working and what needs adjustment, away from the children.   What should I do when my partner yells at our kids? In the moment, focus on de-escalation rather than confrontation. Move closer to provide a calming presence, acknowledge everyone's feelings without blame ("I can see we're having a hard time"), and offer a simple solution that gives everyone an out. Save the deeper conversation for later when you're both calm and the kids aren't present. When you do talk, focus on understanding what triggered the reaction rather than criticizing.   Why does my partner parent so differently than I do? Parenting approaches are deeply influenced by our own childhood experiences, cultural backgrounds, and personal values. Your partner's discipline style likely reflects their attempt to either replicate what worked in their family or correct what didn't. Understanding these origins through curious, non-judgmental conversations can help you see their approach as making sense given their history, even if you disagree with it.   How can I get my partner to be more consistent with discipline? Instead of focusing on changing your partner, work together to identify shared parenting goals and values. Use the Feedback Process described in the episode to learn together rather than one person critiquing the other. Determine success criteria together, look at what actually happens when different approaches are used, and construct new understanding about what would work better for your family.   What if my partner disagrees with my parenting approach completely? In the Parenting Membership, we learn communication strategies based in the Gottman Method to address challenges with our partners. When we understand the deep needs behind our partner's approach to discipline (and they understand ours too), we can usually find a path forward that comes much closer to meeting both of our needs. You'll see couples arguing much like you and your partner argue now, and then quickly learning new tools that help you to talk about issues you disagree on without either of you getting triggered.   And we'll give you a preview of those tools in the Full Experience of the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop!   Click the banner to learn more.       Jump to highlights 01:21 Introduction of today’s episode 04:55 Self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff identifies three components: self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification. When struggling with parenting differences, we need all three elements. Instead of harsh self-criticism about parenting conflicts, pause and offer yourself the same kindness you'd give a friend in your situation 08:12 Validation simply acknowledges the legitimate feelings underneath because we all want to be understood by others 12:20 Joellen explains that the feedback process is a process of learning where a learner constructs their own understanding of the information to be able to make it their own 15:55 10 Questions that parents might consider asking to their partner to help get a better understanding of how each parent think of these issues about parenting 18:15 Dr. Fleck identifies validation as crucial for authentic relationships, allowing us to feel seen and loved for who we are. Without validation, others aren't relating to our true selves. This connects to Joellen Killion's feedback process, where participants must understand each other's wants, listen to different perspectives, and find common ground. The goal is mutual respect where neither person claims expertise, but both voices are valued 20:30 Four horsemen of the apocalypse are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling 25:30 The beauty of identifying needs is that while strategies for meeting needs can conflict like a strict consequence system versus a more collaborative approach, the underlying needs rarely do 27:45 Introducing Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits Workshop 33:02 When criticism defines a relationship, facing more criticism feels overwhelming. Retreating into silence and handling things separately seems easier than risking additional pain 34:31 A little introduction on Parenting Membership 47:04 When discussing parenting disagreements constructively, you can explore values without damaging your relationship, instead actually strengthening your connection without emotional tailspins 50:02 Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits Workshop and Parenting Membership information   References Lumanlan, J. (2020, October 18). Episode 122: Self-Compassion for Parents.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/selfcompassion/ Lumanlan, J. (2024, April 14). Episode 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/parentingpartners/ Lumanlan, J. (2025, March 23). Episode 241: Validating children's feelings: Why it's important, and how to do it with Dr. Caroline Fleck.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/validation-dr-caroline-fleck/ Lumanlan, J. (2025, April 13). Episode 242: The secret to having feedback conversations your family will actually hear.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/feedback-family-will-hear/

Joellen Killion, a senior advisor for Learning Forward and author of The Feedback Process, shares insights on refining family communication. She delves into why feedback often triggers defensiveness and how to reframe observations to be constructive. Joellen reveals effective language patterns that encourage openness and strengthen relationships. The conversation emphasizes active listening and the importance of teaching children how to engage in the feedback process positively, transforming potential conflict into growth.

Dr. Caroline Fleck, a licensed psychologist and adjunct clinical instructor at Stanford, discusses the concept of validation in parenting. She explains how validating children's emotions can enhance relationships and emotional intelligence. The conversation covers practical techniques for supporting kids during meltdowns, emphasizing empathy and mindfulness. Dr. Fleck also addresses the societal implications of invalidation and the importance of consent-based relationships, ultimately advocating for respectful and understanding parenting approaches.

Discover strategies to prepare kids for the complexities of the real world while honoring their authentic selves. Learn how to navigate the challenges of food habits and screen time without creating negative relationships. Explore how societal pressures shape children's emotional development and promote genuine expression. Delve into the flawed perceptions of body size and the importance of critical thinking. This insightful discussion emphasizes connection over control, helping children thrive amidst external pressures.

  What truly matters in a baby’s first year? This episode explores the top seven things parents should focus on, helping you set priorities with confidence.   Questions this episode will answer How much influence do parents really have on their child’s development? What parenting practices actually make a long-term difference? Should you be worried about hitting developmental milestones on time? How can you support your baby’s emotional well-being from day one? What are the best ways to foster a strong parent-child bond?   What you’ll learn in this episode Parenting advice changes constantly, often reflecting shifts in culture and scientific understanding. In this episode, we take a research-backed approach to uncover what truly matters in your baby’s first year—and what doesn’t. The Myth of the Perfect Parent: Learn why the definition of “good parenting” has evolved and how cultural expectations influence parenting choices. Nature vs. Nurture: Discover the surprising role genetics and socioeconomic factors play in shaping a child’s future. The Truth About Developmental Milestones: Understand why comparing your child to others can be misleading—and what really matters for long-term success. Helping Your Baby Feel Secure: Explore the key elements of emotional safety and how they support healthy development. Building a Strong Parent-Child Connection: Learn practical strategies to foster trust, communication, and bonding with your baby. Making Parenting Easier: Get clarity on what’s actually worth stressing about—spoiler: fancy baby gear isn’t on the list.   Join us as we use our values to understand how to get parenting right from the start for your baby and family.   If you’re ready to dive even deeper into these ideas and get hands-on guidance in your parenting journey, our Right From The Start course that I run with Hannah & Kelty of Upbringing is here to help.   It’s designed to give you the confidence and tools to support your baby’s emotional well-being, strengthen your bond, and parent with intention—right from the start.   You'll get access to nine modules of content on topics like supporting baby's sleep, feeding with confidence, and supporting a strong sibling relationship. You'll also learn how to meet your own needs - because you're a whole person with needs, not just your baby's parent.   Right From The Start is available anytime, and you get access to a group coaching call once a month for a year after you join. You can give the course as a gift - it might be the most useful baby shower gift anyone can receive (besides the industrial strength laxatives and nipple shields!)   Click the image below to learn more about Right From The Start:   Other episodes mentioned 081: How can I decide which daycare/preschool is right for my child? 079: What is RIE? 084: The Science of RIE Q&A#5: What really matters in parenting? Part 1   Jump to highlights 01:25 Introducing today’s episode 03:35 Socioeconomic status can make a large contribution to children’s outcome 04:57 Traumatic experiences mostly happen among poor families 09:27 Non-exhaustive list of things that don’t matter enough to be worth worrying about for parents who are expecting a baby or have one under the age of one 16:05 Verbalization of comparing each baby's milestone can create the conditions that we know can arouse shame in a lot of people surrounding the baby 21:23 Childcare is the sixth most important thing that can make an impact on a baby’s life in their first year of existence 26:42 Dividing the workload as a parent is one of the essential things that is crucial for the babies 33:39 How do our childhood experiences affect how we discipline our children? 39:53 Approaches in planning the baby’s first year of existence is the third most important idea that matters 43:31 Learning how to interpret someone’s behavior as an expression of their need can be crucial for babies 46:42 Identifying parent needs is the most important factor that matters for the baby's development 52:01 Wrapping up the discussion   References American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (n.d.). Suicide statistics. Author. Retrieved from: https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/ DeSilver, D. (2013, December 19). Global inequality: How the U.S. compares. Pew Research Center. Retrieved from: https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2013/12/19/global-inequality-how-the-u-s-compares/ Hirth, J. M., & Berenson, A. B. (2012). Racial/ethnic differences in depressive symptoms among young women: The role of intimate partner violence, trauma, and posttraumatic stress disorder. Journal of women's health, 21(9), 966-974. National Institute of Mental Health (2023, July). Major depression. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/major-depression#:~:text=disorders%2C%20or%20medication.-,Prevalence%20of%20Major%20Depressive%20Episode%20Among%20Adults,more)%20races%20(13.9%25). United Nations (n.d.) Inequality – Bridging the divide. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.un.org/en/un75/inequality-bridging-divide#:~:text=The%20measurements%20and%20impacts%20of,urbanisation%20raise%20urgent%20policy%20challenges.  

  Feeling Overwhelmed by Parenting Stress? You’re Not Alone.   If you’re exhausted, stretched too thin, and struggling with the stress of parenting, you’re not the only one. Many parents—especially mothers—find themselves running on empty, constantly trying to meet everyone’s needs while their own go unnoticed. Parenting stress can leave you feeling frustrated, drained, and even angry at your kids, whom you love so much.   In this episode, we’re unpacking why parenting can feel like too much and what we can do about it. We’ll explore the hidden pressures that push parents toward burnout, the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves, and small shifts that can help you feel more supported, more present, and less overwhelmed by the daily stress of parenting.   Questions this episode will answer Why does parenting feel so much harder than I expected? Is it normal to feel resentful or emotionally drained from the stress of parenting? Am I an angry parent? Is this just who I am? How can I take care of myself when my kids need me all the time? Why do I feel guilty when I set boundaries or ask for help? What small, doable changes can I make to feel more balanced and present?   What you’ll learn in this episode Why so many parents feel like they’re drowning—and why it’s not your fault What’s really behind that constant exhaustion and frustration Practical ways to lighten the load without adding more to your to-do list How small mindset shifts can make parenting feel less overwhelming How to recognize when parenting stress is turning you into an angry parent—and what to do about it   This isn’t about striving for perfection or forcing yourself to do more. It’s about finding simple, meaningful ways to care for yourself while still showing up for your family.   Parental Burnout Quiz Here's the quiz mentioned in the episode: https://en.burnoutparental.com/suis-je-en-burnout   If you snap at your kids more often than you'd like... If your anger seems to come out of nowhere, and you can't stop it... If you've promised your kids you won't yell at them as much, but keep on doing it...   ...the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help.   Sign up for the waitlist and we'll let you know once enrollment re-opens. Click the image below to learn more.     Core episodes we reviewed 111: Parental Burn Out 130: Introduction to mindfulness and meditation with Diana Winston 122: Self-compassion for Parents 186: How to meet your needs with Mara Glatzel SYPM 009: How to Set Boundaries in Parenting   Other episodes referenced 193: You don't have to believe everything you think 121: How to support your perfectionist child 017: Don't bother trying to increase your child's self-esteem   Jump to highlights 02:21 Introduction of episode 04:05 Four key symptoms of parental burnout 05:00 Factors why the parents in some countries burnout more than others. 06:02 Kelly's burnout experience 08:55 Cortisol level on burnout parent 09:28 Important risk factors for burnout 11:30 The roles of societal expectations on parents 12:58 Personal strategies to address burnout 13:37 Mindfulness awareness 20:25 Self-compassion for parents 21:43 Parents debilitating perfectionism 24:20 Strategy for achieving self-compassion 25:54 Introduction on parental neediness 29:33 The common barrier to prioritize needs 31:31 Need that often get neglected 34:50 Difference between boundaries and limits 38:36 Why we default to limit so much 39:59 What happens when parents don’t set boundaries 43:13 Reasons why parents feel overwhelmed 49:00 Ideas to bring out to life