Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens

SOLO SHOWContext – we all have the power and the skills to be the parent we want to be A recent post from the Live and Love with Joyful Courage community:Can we talk about sharing our big feelings with our kids?My kids are 2.5 and 4.5yo, and I don't know how to share my big feelings in front of them without freaking them out. I want to be able to be my full and authentic self with them, in an age appropriate way. And I realize, the fact that they are upset when I am upset means that they are afraid of my big feelings and may be afraid of their own big feelings. We try to welcome their big feelings (tantrums, disappointment, etc.) but I think we do a miserable job at it.Compounding this, I am someone with explosive emotions. I tend to feel things very deeply and it takes me time to calm down. I have worked hard to make sure I don't express those emotions in a negative or scary way. But instead I most often bottle them up, which isn't good either.Celebrating awareness. Celebrating emotional intelligence. Celebrating authenticity. Celebrating personal responsibility.Misconceptions (in general): not ok for our children to see us upset not ok for our children to FEEL upset they’re being naughty they’re manipulating they’re learning “bad behavior” welcoming big feelings is the same as condoning hurtful behavior This is a POWERFUL example of what I think is the PURPOSE of parenting:to grow into our best selvesChildren are mirrors not mimics instead, provide a reflection of how we effect the world, what our impact is, what we are inviting Children/parenting journey is an invitation recognizing conditioning recognizing what our “driver” is recognize commitment vs attachment Committed to being a connected parent vs attachment to what that looks like (slippery, perfectionism, comparison)  Children/parenting journey is unrelenting The lessons come every day, moment to moment The growth is like peeling an onion There is no where to ARRIVE Child/parenting journey is an opportunity to grow I can’t say this enough Where are your hard edges? Where is there room for self growth? Where can flexibility show up inside of rigidity “I am someone with explosive emotions.” We are ALWAYS evolving What can we learn about ourselves? What can we practice that will be more helpful and less hurtful? How can we deliver our experiences and be heard? How can we create a PRACTICE that honors us and our experience while also models the life skills we want our children to one day embody? Practices are UNIQUE and INDIVIDUAL The myth of “balance” Assumptions about our “roles” Taking care of ourselves and our own self-regulation, in the end, will do more to teach our children and influence their behavior than any tool you can find in a book or the internet.You’ve got this! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome Mercedes Samudio. For almost a decade, Mercedes has been working with families to help them develop healthy communication skills, manage severe emotional issues, develop coping skills to manage behaviors, create dynamic parent-child relationships, and navigate social media & technology as a family.Throughout the course of her career she has worked with adoptive families, foster families, teen parents, parents navigating the child protective services system, and children living with mental illness.In 2014, Mercedes began to transition into her private practice where she focuses on parent coaching and guiding families to reducing unwanted behaviors, developing effective parenting strategies, creating healthy communication habits, and designing social media/tech plans for their household.Content: Mercedes talks about her background experience with teen parents Supporting parents in being confident in their ever evolving parenting identity Where #endparentshaming came from Others/media offering mixed judgments – no one changes when they feel shame/unsafe Movement to get people to see that even when others are doing things you don’t agree with, how to step into empathy to see where they need support People doing the best they can with the tools they have Shame as a defense to our own discomfort “Raising a human while trying to be authentically human yourself” You are bigger than your parent role Take time to focus on self and partner as a tool for surrendering to what your child’s current challenge is When we focus solely on our child’s mistakes, all we see are their mistakes Bring the skills/areas of other parts of our life into the parts that feel a bit shakey 10,000 feet view We have our own shame conversations…. Reframe the expectations you have of yourself Example: how do you deal with things when you are angry? What do I need, what can I do for myself? How can I use my support system to help me? The misperception that conscious parenting shouldn’t be hard Conscious parenting requires us to be conscious parenting 18:30 quote People are attached to their shame – the stories feel familiar Figure out what your stories are that take you to shame People grow and change in space that is free from shame and judgement Considering FOO – Family Of Origin Write down why these relationships matter to you Still want connection… Let them know WHY you want to stay connected (be specific) Then, share what it is that you are going to be practicing and invite the family member into supporting you Ask for alignment CONNECT BEFORE CORRECT (not just for kids J ) Set you boundaries to keep YOUR bucket full for YOU family Shameproof Parenting by Mercedes How to build support with other parents and non parents A shame proof village! What does Joyful Courage mean to you?Being able to find joy even in the times when it’s not happening... I’m still showing up.Where to find Mercedes: Website l You Tube Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Content:What it means to be intentional Bringing qualities to OUR body and OUR experience Present moment is key Awareness is grown through practice  Getting hooked Our kids behavior as bids The lob Passing on the uncomfortable energy to someone else that can hold it Development Listening, Acceptance and Courage Others – what is being said, isn’t being said, body, etc Self – get still and listen to our inner voice, NOT THE EGO, but the voice that is deeper What is your current story about yourself and your family? Is it true? Byron Katie – turn it around Is it true Finding evidence Accept that this is where you are at. Noticing urgency/frantic energy Unless there is an emergency, this is not helpful BBB Breath Body Balcony Courage to trust Follow your intuition Let it go/surrender Trust the people in your life Trust the process Trust that the people in your life want to live their best life too Making decisions for ourselves VS against the other person/expectation Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Guest Intro:Dr. Robin McEvoy is a developmental neuropsychologist practicing in Denver, Colorado. She evaluates and diagnoses a wide range of learning disabilities and learning needs in children, adolescents and adults. This includes the identification of reading disabilities such as dyslexia. She then works with the family to develop a treatment plan to remediate the weaknesses and accentuate strengths. In addition to her private practice, Dr. McEvoy is an assistant professor at the University of Colorado Health Sciences Center. Dr. McEvoy has authored a children’s book, Buddy: A Story for Dyslexia (illustrated by her daughter). She is the co-author/editor of the recently published book, Child Decoded: Unlocking Complex Issues in Your Child’s Learning, Behavior, and Attention.Content: Child Decoded – inspired by the tough expectations and increase in labeling/diagnoses of academic/social development. Using a master checklist as a guide for finding what it is they need Checklist is a triage Looking under the surface – physical/biomedical limitations Diet and gut and neurons Parents navigating all the services for their children with complex issues – and feeling as though no one else can “see” their child the way that they can Gather evidence with video and photo to share information about your child Child Decoded fills that gap for parents to go from “I have worries” to restarting when parents feeling stuck in the treatment/not sure what to do or where to go next Modify the environment vs supporting our kids in living in the “real world” Paradigm shift – we can be seeing every child in a more holistic way, look at every child as an individual… Mind AND body Current lens – we tend to treat at the symptom level with the “quickest” approach (lots of times with meds) Sometimes the answer is really simple Complimentary/Alternative medicine Both/and mindset… so many solutions in both western and eastern medicine Putting together the team – who is needed? How do you support parents with overwhelm and loneliness as they advocate for their kids…? Find support on the internet/social media – be proactive in seeking out support Breathe – complex issues or not, you are in this for the long haul What does Joyful Courage mean to you?“Know that you have more experience with your child than anyone else… You know your child the best. Have faith in your child, have faith in yourself.”Robinmcevoy.com l Childdecoded.comBlog l FB – Dr. Robin McEvoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Intro Sharing: Thank you, listeners!! Honored to serve you… Mother’s Journey recap – Seattle, Portland, Boise Orange County, East Hampton, St. Paul – 2018 Mother’s Journey locations Boldly Embody Life – Krista Petty Raimer, Grace, Elevate When I am a yes to trusting, surrender and presence is already there Visioning for 2018 :::::Sponsor:Thank you, Lovepop!Enjoy a discount when you buy 5 or more cards and free shipping on all orders when you go to www.lovepop.com/joyful:::::Content:Personal Responsibility and Natural Consequences Natural consequences are what happens when we stay out of the way – they occur when we let things unfold What do we want most for our kids? What are our desired outcomes for this whole process of parenting? Reference to a poll on my personal FB page Who lets their 14 year old daughter hang out in her room with her boyfriend? Two lists activity from Positive Discipline class The only place that our kids can develop life skills is inside of experience… and in relationship with a healthy adults supports that as well… Their experiences inspire and inform future decisions There is a lot learning that we are robbing our children of because we are getting in the way Parents internal experience takes over Mindfulness matters when we are supporting our kids in developing personal responsibility Natural consequences happens when adults don’t get in the way This is a dance – boundaries are respectful kids need them, we need them Kids need to feel the tension Mistakes allow natural consequences – when we let them feel the consequences that show up, that we aren’t IMPOSING there is lots of room to learn Example – homework Help them to expand their perspective of what THEY want Check your assumptions… and check in with your child Humans LONG to be listened to, seen Kids learn personal responsibility through experiencing having the opportunity to BE personally responsible What matters is the relationship – bonded in unconditional love and mutual respect Allow the natural consequence the power that they have Our kids want to feel connected, as though they matter and that they have influence Tools: co-creating routines and agreements, loosen up, ask questions, check your unspoken messaging, family meetings joyfulcourage.com/family-meeting-ecourse We all want our kids to grow into cooperative, contributing adult living good lives What already exists when they make mistakes is powerful! Coming up next week – talking with Robin Sabbag about raising a teen daughter.Sign up for the newsletter – www.joyfulcourage.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

My guest today is Tosha Schore, M.A. Tosha brings a burst of energy and optimism to parenting, and will lift your parenting confidence! She is an expert at simple solutions to what feel like overwhelmingly complicated problems. A sought after coach, author and speaker, Tosha is committed to creating a more peaceful world, one sweet boy at a time. Through her online and in-person offerings, she supports parents to care for themselves, connect with their boys deeply, set limits lovingly, and play wildly. Tosha is a trainer of Hand in Hand Parenting and co-author with the organization's founder, Patty Wipfler, of "Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Challenges." She is also creator of the wildly popular "Parenting Boys Peacefully! A FREE 10-Day Reconnect," and the new online course, "Out With Aggression!" You can find Tosha on her website, www.toshaschore.com, and on FB at Tosha Schore, Your Partner In Parenting Boys.Content: Raising boys in these days of toxic masculinity Taking a hard look at the ways that men are conditioned Creating a more peaceful world, one sweet boy at a time The question of how to help our boys grow into emotionally intelligent men who don’t see women as objects is worldwide How to help our boys grow up to be peaceful – Huff Post article Move beyond the anger and the fear to what we can DO Opportunity shows up in raising our boys We need to teach our boys that there are lots of ways to be close that aren’t sexual It’s ok to talk, cuddle, hold hands – lots of ways of being intimate Documentary of The Mask You Live InNot giving permission to boys for having intimate friendships with other boys Navigating the jockeying for power among boys Redefining what it means to be masculine What is being modeled in the homes for our boys? Increase our own emotional intelligence and pay attention to how we navigate and model our own upset Boys being encouraged to stuff their emotions Not comfortable with allowing our boys the time and space to have feelings Help them feel comfortable with their full array of emotions – not just anger Popular culture isn’t helpful Advocate/ Fight for the right of our boys to have feelings AND advocate for them to make mistakes and learn from them When our boys make mistakes we need to help them Talk about music lyrics and porn and do it when they are YOUNG Amy Lang – parent educator, parenting through our children’s sexual development Start talking to your boys Don’t let your discomfort get in the way of letting our boys be their whole selves Amy’s short video about having convos about sexual harassment/assault with our kids Talking to our kids about standing up to friends who are harassing others Seize opportunities for modeling/showing them what it looks like to “do what’s right” Story of masculinity inside of supporting a woman on Reddit Acknowledging that standing up for what is right is challenging!! Teachable moments are when they make mistakes and getting into mischief Final thoughts – “hurt people hurt people” – boys and men are hurting and therefore hurting others… when we help them heal from their hurts, we are solving the problem Where to find Tosha:www.toshaschore.com10 day reconnect parenting boys peacefullywww.listenthebook.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Content: I am on the journey with you, I am with you! Highs and lows, you are my peeps! The teen saga continues…. Having a teen is like birth, you think you’re so prepared and then…. Reality hits! Teen brain experiences everything so intensely Eps 115 was all about trust and surrender Celebrate the relationship Using and developing breath as a tool 4:45 Our children are our teachers – they picked us! We don’t know what we don’t know and our children highlight that for us Their way of being invites our “stuff” to the surface We then choose how to respond End of the day – they are operating from their developmental place, limited skills, brain development 7:50 Parenting is a never-ending growth and development workshop – we can choose to resist or to grow/evolve 9:15 There is a purpose to this journey Let’s live a life where we are paying attention Our children show us stepping stones to our own growth When we choose into growth and learning we can influence the experience we are having You can only change yourself, you can’t change others Positive Discipline for Teenagers Mistakes our kids make can rock our foundation and philosophy around parenting Being kind and firm at the same time is one of the pillars Peeling back layers of what that ^^ means Kindness only = permissive Firmness only = authoritarian Kind isn’t NICE, it’s connected, firm is respecting ourselves and the situation It’s about progress not perfection, and becoming ever more AWARE of what is happening for us Making agreements is a kind and firm PD parenting tool Get into our child’s world, here what their needs are, share what we need, make a plan together, declare a deadline, follow through (parents) “What was our agreement?” It’s not about being nice while we deliver a consequence… The invitation is to make agreements with YOUR children Not necessarily about the problem we solve, instead it is more about the life skills the kids are practicing inside of the agreement-making Not about finding a solution that lasts forever – every solution has a shelf life Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

My guests today are Shannon Kinney-Duh, creator of A Free Spirit Life, and Ashley Walburn, owner of Home Holistic, and the founders of The Mindful Mama Movement – a podcast, community that empowers mamas, encourages authentic living and celebrates what it means to live an inspired life. Shannon and Ashley bring women from around the world, in all stages of motherhood, on a journey of learning how to trust ourselves, how to listen to their intuition, how to let go and forgive, and how to embrace imperfection in the mess of life. They inspire others to practice mothering from a place of presence, creativity, humor and wisdom.-----Content: How Ashley and Shannon met The birth of the Mindful Mama Movement Podcast The power of trusting our gut is the work of parenting Popular opinion vs turning inward towards our intuition Inspiring women to trust themselves and reconnect to their own intuition Moving from survival to space in our life to enjoy it We are good at the head stuff by dropping into our heart is a powerful way to shift into being with our family HAHA!! Interrupted by the birth of a baby J ((real life people)) Woohooo – Ashley shares the birth story that interrupted our show Creating communities for mamas Going to yoga class and staying for connection with other mamas Who are you? How are you? Inviting community to be together and real Being part of community allows us to discover our own value and wisdom Online communities can be places of powerful discovery, allowing for thought time and the possibility of going deeper Themes that show up in groups – “Am I doing it right?” “Am I okay?” “Is this normal?” “What am I outside of mom?” “How do I find balance and flow while being a good mom?” Exploring our roles People are seeking to be real We are better mamas when we nurture all parts of us Theme that shows up with mamas is desire for simplicity – declutter, let go, surrender Jaws theme music is not helpful!! Where to find Ashley and Shannon:Mindful Mama Movement podcastFB Page l FB Group l IGAshley:Home Holistic  FB PageShannon:A Free Spirit Life Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Content: The tension of being a parent educator WHILE IN THE EXPERIENCE of parenting Parenting for the long term… Keeping in mind brain development Mistakes are opportunities for learning Everyone should have a voice Relationship matters Kindness, firmness and trust Bumps up against the mainstream idea of reward/punishment model My own experience of punishment/consequences as a teen Noticing the societal pressure of “she should pay for her mistakes” while also noticing that we have a really good relationship and are exploring her choices together All we can do is increase the likelihood that our children will grow to be responsible, respectful members of society In the process of learning to make choices, our children will make bad choices I know I am not alone in this rub We want our children to feel as though we are our safe harbor Surrender is so complex… or maybe just the depth is profound GRACE: workshop for women through boldlyembodylife.com If trust is our intention, then we have to start with trusting ourselves We then can evoke trust in our relationships Then our teens can lean into trusting themselves (and getting it wrong sometimes) The design of the universe is bigger than me, bigger than my child, and we are all going to be okay – might as well trust that God has our back Trusting what I don’t know, what I can’t know, what I am still on the path to understanding Fear grips the inside of my body, my energy tightens up – shorter breath, tight belly “When fear is present, the teacher is in the room.” – Krista Petty Raimer Events/ experiences are an invitation for me to evoke what I want more of in my relationship with my daughter Neutral/ Think Tree – feeling our feet, grounding into our body, top of our body is open, flexible, available Finding neutral is not about the absence of anything, but about the availability of everything (thank you Mary Jo!) Neutral allows space for relationship with our children The most powerful tool we have for influencing the behavior is the relationship we cultivate and nurture with them. Lisa Damour – swimming pool analogy There is flow and impermanence to the cycles of connection/disconnection that show up Find your people that are going through similar experience and hold a similar parenting style to share raw and vulnerably We are practicing all the time – either our auto pilot OR something new and different Being intentional allows us to GENERATE more of what we want into our life! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Sarah Rosensweet is my guest today!! Sarah is a peaceful parenting coach– and a mama to 3 big kids (16, 13 and 10). She teaches parents a non-punitive, connection based approach that uses firm limits with lots of empathy. Sarah helps parents of toddlers-to-tweens turn philosophy into practice with solutions for real-life struggles such as bedtime battles, picky eaters, sibling rivalry, tantrums and meltdowns, and power struggles.Sarah has had over 20 years experience working with families and children in early childhood education and schools. She’s an API certified parenting educator and a certified Aha! Peaceful Parenting Coach with Dr. Laura Markham.What you will hear: Toddlerhood experience allowed for Sarah to begin her journey towards parenting peacefully Turning away from the advice of “don’t let them manipulate you” Navigating fear The transition of the new sibling can catch us off guard Perspective of the older child is, not such a great thing Our olders have mixed feelings The mama bear instincts kick in and we often find ourselves pushing our older children away. Recognizing the feelings - awareness of what is happening internally for us What shows up with our older children? Regression and aggression What to do? Nurture them, love on them, connect with them, baby them as much as possible Aggression comes from fear – they are acting out their bad feelings Cure – more connection, more empathy “My child is not giving me a problem, my child is having a problem” Emotional backpacks are all of the emotions that show up throughout our experience that we put away for “later” Meltdowns and tantrums are how our children release their emotional backpacks Processing through laughter – get them laughing every day! Rough housing as a proactive energy/emotional release Pete’s a Pizza – William Steig Welcome mixed feelings, schedule one on one time “I wonder…….. “ opens the door for them to express mixed feelings Lack of understanding and empathy can lead a child to feel as though there is something wrong with them Sometimes challenges show up when baby is a newborn, and sometimes it is when the babe gets a bit older Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings by Dr. Laura Markham ^^ supports children in helping them find solutions that work for both sibs, rather than leaving it to them to figure out how to work things out Special time – joining them in their world of imagination and play – 15 minutes/day with the older child Misbehavior as a signal and look for positive intent Look at your language – shift the language you use that doesn’t include the babe. Ex, “I am busy with the baby” to “I will help you when my hands aren’t full!” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices