Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens

Politics and Parenting - can we keep them separate?Do we want to?I don’t imagine that everyone who follows Joyful Courage share all of my views. I am guessing that you all realize that I am a flaming liberal – and if you didn’t, well, cats out of the bag. I support dignity and respect for all humans. Black lives matter to me. Immigrant lives matter to me. Woman having equal rights, including rights over their body matters to me. I believe that people have the right to gather and worship in a way that works for them. I believe in climate change and the duty we ALL have to honor the earth. I believe that people who are raised to feel connected, loved and as though they matter don’t show up at public or private events with the intent to kill. I do not believe that private citizens have the right to own weapons of war. I believe our schools should be safe and secure. I do not believe that teachers should have guns. I believe in a health care system that is proactive in supporting the mentally ill. I believe in compassion. I believe in civic action. Some of what I just shared may turn you off to my work and my message. I hope it doesn’t, because at the most foundational level, I believe in love – living it, spreading it, being it. And that is what will save the world.“Love thy neighbor as thyself” is a message of all major religions – and when THIS is our come-from, when THIS message is what we start to live, the world will be healed.And I acknowledge that it isn’t easy. It isn’t easy to put ourselves out there and speak our truths we don’t want to offend we don’t want to argue we worry about what people think we want everyone to be comfortable And right now the environment is so TOXIC! It is so challenging to talk about the issues that matter the most to us. It is scary to get vulnerable and say what we need to say, to lead from the front.Today I declare that I am no longer going to worry about ruffling feathers. I will continue to share the content that you have come to love, and I will elevate it by pushing my fear aside.I will bring more of myself.I will bring more of my authenticity and truth.I will leave behind wanting everyone to like me.I am done with school shootings, and my guess is you are too.It is time to have hard conversations.It is time to look for solutions.It is time to get involved, ask questions, reach out and trust that your voice is valued. Humans are hurting.Weapons of war are too available.Schools aren’t secure.So lets do something about it.Today is about action.Thank you.Thank you for listening. I feel as though it is my responsibility to speak these truth, it is my responsibility to not pretend that all is well and good and that the world our children are inheriting is going to magically be peaceful.We are in the creation of the world we live in. Everything we do is part of the creation. What we buy Who we vote for Whether or not we speak up when we get that intuitive hit that what we are witnessing is wrong We are in the creation even when WE DO NOTHING. Even when we turn away because it is too hard, or too scary, or too vulnerable – we are STILL in the creation of the world we live in.I choose to be in action. And I hope you join me. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today’s guest is Liz Haske, a mother, an international teacher and instructional coach and children’s book author. She has over 15 years elementary classroom experience in six different countries and is super passionate about empowering children to be their most courageous selves. Her first book, When Worry Takes Hold, was released in November 2017 and aims to help young children cope with worry by using mindful breathing. Join us! “It’s about a young girl who’s afraid to do different things and she realizes that she has the power inside her and if she puts her hands on her belly, she can be brave.” “Stories help us be better people if we are reading the right books” “We want to empower these little people to realize they can do it. They can develop the tools and they can be confident and they can face what is presented to them in healthy and positive ways.” “Worry gets bigger and bigger the more that we do it.” “We can be brave, and everyone has worries … whether it’s helping our kids be brave or us being brave to face whatever parenting challenge it may be.” “Courage is just a deep breath away.”  What you’ll hear in this episode: The basis & inspiration for When Worry Takes Hold Worry as a visitor and the power to ask it to leave Acknowledging & expecting worry Externalizing worry and setting limits Following the why – getting to the root of big feelings Manifestations and signs of worry Addressing underlying worry vs. addressing the behaviors Taking a wide view to problem solving worry How not to take worry related behaviors personally Why trying to talk kids out of their worries doesn’t work Managing worry as a practice Tools for managing worry and how they can be applied to other situations Mindful breathing vs. “Let’s take some deep breaths” The power of mindful breathing How to know when to get professional help (duration, intensity, impact, age appropriateness) Journaling worries to find patterns and icebergs Liz’s upcoming projects on the horizon The importance of exercising self-compassion  Resources: When Worry Takes HoldWhere to find Liz:FacebookInstagramWebsiteTwitter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A solo show all about routinesThere are a couple tools, that when put into place, make the whole parenting journey easier. You have heard me talk about special time, that one on one time that is so important for building relationship and a solid foundation of belonging and significance for our kids.Challenges coming up in the LLWJC group mornings, bedtimes, defiance, meltdowns, sibling issues We find ourselves putting out fires We find ourselves being overtaxed We find ourselves slipping OUT of who we want to be and INTO crazy parent This is also where we loose sight of the way that we are contributing to the chaos at hand…. We blame out kids We fall into the trap of “it is always so difficult” We forget that there is always a flow that comes after the ebb…. Yes, special time helps with the challenges mentioned about.The relationship we nurture with our kids is what has the biggest impact on their behavior, absolutely.AND, another tool that is super helpful to come back to, again and again, is co-creating routines.Now, if you are someone with challenges in the morning, or after school, you may be thinking, but we have a routine, and it isn’t working!!!GREAT.Not all routines are created equal. Routines are made to be modified and changed up Routines designed to be HELPFUL for everyone will be the most USEFUL Mindset matters This is not about getting your kids to do what you want them to do This is about helping your children feel like capable, contributing members of the family This is about the process, the opportunity that exists inside the challenge that is currently at the surface Take a deeper look… Co creating routines means that you are CO CREATING Find a time of day when everyone is feeling good, connected Opening up the conversation to child about how they experience the challenging time of day, validate their feelings, listen and let them know you are taking their sharing to heart – this is not time to talk them out of what they are experiencing or getting them to “see your side” Clear out the space through taking accountability for your behavior. This is really important. Ask for their help to make that time of day easier/better for everyone Brainstorm ideas/tasks Offer/counter offer if you need to Be open to their ideas Be firm/not rigid around your non-negotiables “This is what is important to me, how could we make that work?” “What is your idea for that?” Cross off anything that isn’t related/reasonable/respectful/helpful on the list Work together to create a visual reminder Try it for a week But, but, but what if it doesn’t “work” Shifting to what is “helpful” Focus on the process TRUST the process Let the routine be the boss Revisit at the end of the week and tweak if necessary So many routines…. Housework Family Meetings Mornings Afterschool Bedtime Take it slow – let go of urgencyHow you show up mattersBe in your practice of curiosity and openness – catch yourself when you want to judge (roshambo/coin flip) Currently in a new routine of turning screens off from 5-7. This is a slippery place for us….Recently posted a handout on the live and love page – will put it in the show notes – for walking through this process. Let me know if you have any questions! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Julie Miller is on with us!Julie is on a mission to live a delicious life and bring joy back to the family dinner table. She is a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist and Certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator who holds a Master’s Degree in Human Nutrition from Bastyr University. She has over 16 years’ experience sharing food and nutrition philosophy with diverse communities throughout the Seattle area. Julie currently specializes in helping families find their own positive feeding dynamic so that food is less of a parenting chore and more of a nourishing experience. She believes that connection between adults, children and food sets the stage for a lifetime of personal wellness, including healthy eating. Julie knows, as a Mom, that the constant demand to prepare and serve food can get just a wee bit tiring and tricky. She emphasizes reducing the drama and eating minimally processed foods, while ensuring that children and adults meet their nutritional needs to support growth, development and wellbeing.   Content: Got into nutrition for personal reasons Had kids and discovered PD So much judgment in parenting – especially fierce around food Helps parents to make parenting around food a nourishing experience for everyone Most typical complaint? “I don’t like it” Second biggest? Picky eating Parental Fatigue – parents DON’T want to cook but DO want to feel kids good food PD says – “Eating, sleeping, pottying, you can’t make them do it!” You CAN work on belonging, significance and influence They need to be guided, not forced Division of responsibility – defining roles (Ellen Satter’s work) Parent responsible for what, when, where AND maintaining connection Child responsible for what they eat and how much Story about Rowan drinking caffeine Over 12 100mg isn’t terrible Under 12 no caffeine Guide THEM in using the information to make informed choices Until it is personally meaningful for them to feel the effects of their choices, behavior won’t change AND they learn what they live Before bed snacks…. Timing Thank you bites?? What about suggesting….. Serve food family style. Parents can mentioned all the items that are available, then the parents job is done…. What about the salad?? Short term vs long term goals Let go of judgement Invite kids into planning/cooking to bulk up their belonging/significance/influence Your job is to provide food, provide some structure and love them unconditionally Let go of self judgement/what others think/fear <3  Find Julie:www.harmonioustable.netemail at jmillernutrition@comcast.net Live workshops in Seattle – reach out to hire Julie Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Content:Solo show today – from the car…. Thank you for having grace for my audio quality this week!! Feeling inspired to share with you on my way to yoga class.All about the Iceberg Metaphor Shout out to all the parents of teens out there who are showing up and sharing and willing to be vulnerable Connecting seeing an iceberg as a metaphor for children’s behavior Unwanted behavior is the “tip” of the iceberg The behavior that we see Under the surface - What’s opening the door to the behavior? Perception of connection Perception of influence Perception of mattering Trauma/adversity Kids are ALWAYS making meaning with their underdeveloped brain – and forming beliefs from that place Lacking skills for navigating the challenges/emotions that show up Moving from a place of strengthening relationship as a way to understand what is below the surface, to help us influence the behavior at the tip Episode 104 on Making Amends Always be moving towards nurturing relationship What are some of the things YOU do to look under the surface? Head over to Live and Love with Joyful Courage and share! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Alright - My guest today is Liz Blackwell-Moore. I connected with Liz through my friend, and one of your fave podcast guests, Julietta Skoog from besproutable.com. I am so excited to have Liz on today to talk about an incredibly relevant topic – kids and drugs. GAH. I know. No one really WANTS to talk about this, but we have to.Liz has been working in the field of substance use since 2000. Her current work involves working with community coalitions and organizations to provide training on prevention strategies as well as technical assistance to translate public health research into practice and implement a restorative trauma-informed approach to addressing public health problems.So basically, Liz is going to break it all down for us in a way that is helpful. She lives in Portland, Maine with her wife, two happy kids, and a puppy.Content: Liz shares about her early work with people involved with substance abuse and was drawn to exploring prevention work How can we make “systems” (including the family) better for young people, with more support in their lives? What the “risk taking years” feels like, according to Casey Liz shares her moms’ analogy of the two boats Adolescent brain development It’s like a house being build bottom up Built through interactions and the environment kids experience Reward center develops first – ready to go, “volume turned up” Front, logical part of brain not fully developed, and not integrated W/o the desire to try new things, how would they ever leave home?? The perception and science of marijuana and adolescence National Academy of Sciences – research on the research Young people using Impacts learning and memory Significant effects on mental health “Regular use” – once every 30 days 2xs more likely to become depressed 3xs more likely to have suicidal thoughts Kids with MH issues are more likely to use/self-medicate Initially make people feel calm/relaxed Brain likes to do what’s easy so eventually wants more What about vaping Tobacco companies are SO LAME – trying to suck in kids Some kids just the flavoring Not regulated – we don’t know what is in it Lots of kids ARE putting nicotine and weed into the vape All drugs impact the reward center of the brain – putting young people at a greater risk of addiction later in life Rewires/primes the brain for addiction How do we get them to wait???? Relationship is the most powerful tool we have… Share our values… AND – THEY HAVE CRAZY REWARD CENTERS!!! GAH!!! Be present, listen, develop a strong relationship Set clear expectations – bring it up in a variety of ways Continue to bring it back to what their goals are, how might risky behavior get in the way? Help them to “see” the bigger picture Restorative practices: Hold them accountable while offering support What are you getting out of this? What were you thinking? How else can you get thrills? Social connection? Is this a mental health issue? Having these conversations REQUIRES the adults to be in solid relationship with their kids Also, our stuff shows up and gets in the way – fear, rigidity Ok to say, “this is disappointing” “this is hard for me” – they need to know how they are impacting their parents Teens aren’t great with nuance SLEEP MATTERS!! Natural consequences are powerful Boundaries are MESSY How do we balance nurture and structure?? It’s a dance How do we know when it really is a problem? Major changes in physical appearance Personality Participation Peer group changes Public image has changed org – online resources 20-minute guide – helping parents use motivational interviewing 20inuteguide.com Find your people! There is uncertainty and change AND we all have flexible, learning brains – we can be resilient!! Resources:https://the20minuteguide.com/http://www.drugfree.org/Where to find Liz:Birchlanestrategies.com (under-construction) Linked in Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This is a solo show.Today I talk about holding space for having a 15 YEAR OLD!! WHOA!! It's intense. What does this container look like? What does it mean to be present, available and confident.  How to “hold the container” Our response matters What to do becomes more clear when we practice being in the moment, vs in our emo/fear Practice being with our overwhelm without letting it takes us over (observers) Our kids make mistakes BUT WHAT DO WE DO??? Kids do better when they feel better. – Jane NelsenKids want to succeed, they don't always know how. – Ross GreeneA Misbehaving child is a discouraged child. – Rudolf DreikursHumans are always moving towards a sense of belonging and significance, am I connected? Do I matter? – from Aderian TheoryThe most powerful tool you have for influencing behavior is the relationship that you nurture with your child. Choosing into the work of Joyful Courage, which really means being willing to grow and practice awareness, being present to your child and your experience, and hold space for your kids, no matter how they are showing up, THIS will nurture and preserve relationship.Thank you so much for listening today – super DUPER appreciate all you moms and dads out there doing the work of making the world a better place through showing up well for your children!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome, thank you for showing up! Tina Bryson is BACK ON the podcast today!! You all remember Tina from Eps 100 – which happens to be THE most downloaded show to date of this podcast.Tina co-authored two of MY fave parenting books, the whole brain child and no drama discipline with Dan Siegel and she is BACK on the podcast today to talk about her NEW book, the yes brain.I am THRILLED she is back on….Content: The Yes Brain is available NOW Tina is a mama to 17, 14, and 11 year boys Yes brain and no brain approaches A “yes brain” is a mindset of saying yes to the world, open – neurological state, our brain is integrated and linked up… Over time it becomes hardwired A “no brain” is fearful, reactive Prompted by “what are the skills my child needs to be successful?” – Tina and Dan Siegel wanted to go beyond academics and gold stars They need an integrated brain that has a strong/functioning prefrontal cortex Yes Brain has 4 Components: Balance Resilience Insight Empathy Developmental brain/age/temperament matters Tina shares a story about her own son who seemed to be lacking empathy at a young age Brain develops through experience - What we emphasize (as parents) in our interactions create new linking connection in the brain. Use books, shows, and real world experiences to model and draw forth empathy in our kids Trust development, trust that what you are doing will pay off Supporting our children in feeling their feelings – support them as they practice tolerating difficult feelings Normalize difficult feelings… 2-3 tools to put into practice: Sleep!!! When we sleep the brain LITERALLY freshens up Survive emotional dysregulation When kids are at their worst is when they need us the most Co-regulaton – a soothing presence to communicate “you’re safe, I’m here” Build/teach skills to help them regulate themselves – GREEN ZONE Check out Eps 100 to hear Tina dig deeper into this Teach them to understand themselves Rethinking success Our children having an authentic self that they can trust It’s about the journey and not JUST the destination BIGGER than gold stars and academics Eudaimonia – happiness comes from meaning, connection and peaceful contentment Tinabryson.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome, thank you for showing up!Todays topic – what it means to hold the container and get the results you WANTMy experience of big goals and daily intentions/practices – a bit from my conversation with Edna – areas of growth for me around supporting my clients in declaring and creating results in their lives. Overarching goals “What do you want at the end of our work? How will you measure success?” This can be anything from potty trained toddlers (Katie’s reflection)/easier bedtime/deeper relationship with teens (Lorrianes feedback)/less yelling and more loving… Some is easy to measure, some, not so much…. PLUS it is a pendulum swing Many. Small. Steps. It is so important to set goals – that way you know where you are going. Cruise control vs being intentional Being intentional DOES require you to face some hard truths sometimes, to bump up against thoughts/ beliefs / emotions that maybe you have become really skilled at avoiding AND to live the fullest, most authentic life, we must make room for ALL of it – even the stuff that is hard  Setting goals I have weekly, monthly, quarterly and annual goals They all feed into each other The baby steps I take during the week set up my for the monthly goals,etc The ANNUAL GOALS are the container (remember, I mentioned that earlier?)  Living the practice It’s not even really about the goals, it is about the journey TO the goals. It is about going 100% Reference Krista’s blog post about 100% is easy https://boldlyembodylife.com/bold-notes/. It’s every moment of saying yes to the practice we have decided to commit to. “To be responsible, keep your promises to others, to be successful, keep your promises to yourself.” – Marie Forleo what this means to me…. Yes to myself for myself GRATITUDE Get yours at https://boldlyembodylife.com/word-of-the-year-2018/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome, thank you for showing up!Content:My guest today is Lori Petro. Lori is passionate about conscious parenting and was a guest on Episode 62. She is an advocate for children and families, a parent educator, mama and founder of Teach Through Love. Lori’s journey began as being a misunderstood kid… Followed by HAVING a child and wanting to provide her with something different than what she experienced Lori is a creator/artist at heart wanting to created compassion and understanding in our communication with each other Inspired to create a better world for her kid and everyone else to live in Conscious communication cards Conscious communication – supporting parents in taking their understanding of conscious parenting into the language and way of being they bring to their relationships Staying present and leaving the blame, shame, judgment and guilt behind Communication includes messages we deliver with what we SAY, as well as what we DON’T say, our tone, our body language – we are always sending messages Parents do TO the children to get them to be what we want them to be…. It’s about allowing our kids HAVE THE EXPERIENCE and learning from there SEEING our children in their emotion/experience They are there to provoke us in our own self awareness Listening to understand…. Lean in to understanding our children’s experience and what it is like to BE them… (Lori shares lip gloss story) Otherwise we miss the fullness of what is their life (Casey shares crop top story) Not about saying the perfect right thing, it’s about continuing the conversation with our kids around the places where we want a deeper understanding Tell me more about that… It’s bigger than the make-up and the crop top Opens up conversation Conversations to understand vs conversation that are ultimately begun to convince our kids that we are right and they are wrong 20:40 Aware of when our agenda of fear is clouding their experience of growing into their own maturity Conscious parenting is not one long negotiation Being firm is a piece of it Be ok when kids don’t like the boundary Conscious communication cards Came from ideas that Lori posted on line every week Developed into a model for her parenting program Stress/skills/support Am I looking to help my child regulate? (stress) Am I trying to help my child build and emerging skill? (skills) Am I trying to mend/repair relationship? (support) Divided into two section Behaviors/words to avoid Examples of what to say/directions to go in Target cards What you can look for to find the root cause of behavior 5 steps for peaceful resolution Parents use the cards in many different ways Post them in their world Sit with them at the end of the day and review them IT’S A PRACTICE Daily Progress not perfection (even for Lori) Our brains never stop developing and we can always learn new skills We still have not great parenting moments but we OWN IT Lori shares about her personal practices Finding work/life balance Meditation DAILY mindfulness Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices