Drs. John and Julie Gottman, co-founders of The Gottman Institute, share their decades of research on relationship dynamics. They discuss the three conflict styles essential for navigating disagreements, emphasizing that conflicts can lead to deeper connections. The couple reveals why the first moments of a fight are crucial and debunks the myth of constructive criticism. They also clarify the difference between solvable and perpetual problems, providing insights on how to approach arguments with compassion and effective communication.
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insights INSIGHT
Conflict Styles
There are three main conflict styles: avoiding, validating, and volatile.
All three styles can work if the positive-to-negative emotion ratio is 5:1 or higher.
volunteer_activism ADVICE
Positive Language
Use positive language during arguments, like nodding, saying "good point," and complimenting.
These small positive actions can offset negativity and promote connection.
insights INSIGHT
Four Horsemen
Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling are the "Four Horsemen" of relationship conflict.
These behaviors escalate negativity and create distance between partners.
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In '10% Happier,' Dan Harris shares his personal journey of discovering the benefits of meditation. Initially a skeptic, Harris, a news anchor, found himself on a path of self-discovery after a nationally televised panic attack. He delves into the world of spirituality and self-help, encountering various figures including brain scientists, CEOs, and spiritual leaders. The book explores how meditation can reduce stress, improve focus, and enhance overall well-being without compromising one's ambition or edge. Harris emphasizes the importance of mindfulness in making one more resilient and better equipped to handle life's challenges, though it does not eliminate problems entirely[2][4][5].
The Love Prescription
John Gottman
Julie Gottman
Fight Right
How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection
John Gottman
Julie Schwartz Gottman
In 'Fight Right', Drs. John and Julie Gottman, founders of the world-famous Love Lab, share their decades of research to help couples understand and manage conflict effectively. The book identifies five common mistakes couples make during conflicts and provides five secrets to get back on track. It emphasizes the importance of understanding each person's unique conflict culture, which is shaped by their upbringing and past relationships. The Gottmans guide readers through various conflict styles, such as Avoiders, Validators, and Volatiles, and offer practical tools to help couples adopt a collaborative approach, calming down, staying connected, and truly understanding each other during conflicts.
Eight Dates
Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
John Gottman
Julie Schwartz Gottman
In 'Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love', John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman provide a step-by-step guide to help couples navigate the challenges of long-term commitment. Drawing from their extensive research at the Love Lab, the authors outline eight essential conversations that couples should have to build a strong and lasting relationship. Each date is designed to address a different critical topic, including trust, conflict, intimacy, finances, family, adventure, spirituality, and dreams. The book includes exercises, open-ended discussion questions, and suggestions for where to have these dates, aiming to foster deeper understanding, empathy, and connection between partners.
Conflict doesn’t have to suck. These iconic relationship researchers tell us how.
They are the co-Founders of The Gottman Institute and have completed over 40 years of research with more than 3,000 couples. John is the researcher; Julie the clinician. They have written several books together, including Eight Dates and The Love Prescription.
Even though the majority of the Gottmans’ research is on couples, the advice is applicable to all types of relationships.
In this episode we talk about:
The three principle conflict styles
Why we often don’t understand what it is we’re fighting about
Perpetual problems vs. Solvable problems
Why the first three minutes of an argument are key
The simple sentence to use at the beginning of an argument
How to downregulate defensiveness in an argument
Why the Gottmans’ believe there is no such thing as constructive criticism
Why apologizing quickly isn’t always the right move
10% Happier with Dan Harris 
