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10% Happier with Dan Harris

Fight Right: The Science of Healthy Conflict | Drs. John and Julie Gottman

Feb 5, 2024
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, co-founders of The Gottman Institute, share their decades of research on relationship dynamics. They discuss the three conflict styles essential for navigating disagreements, emphasizing that conflicts can lead to deeper connections. The couple reveals why the first moments of a fight are crucial and debunks the myth of constructive criticism. They also clarify the difference between solvable and perpetual problems, providing insights on how to approach arguments with compassion and effective communication.
01:06:26

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Quick takeaways

  • Effective conflict styles include avoiding, validating, and volatile, as long as positive moments exceed negatives in a conversation.
  • Couples face both solvable and perpetual problems, and understanding underlying emotions and values can lead to deeper understanding and compassion.

Deep dives

Key Point 1: Understanding healthy conflict vs. unhealthy conflict

Conflict in relationships can be either healthy or unhealthy. Healthy conflict involves describing one's own feelings, needs, and values, fostering connection and mutual understanding. Unhealthy conflict often involves criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, leading to alienation and misunderstanding. Conflict has a goal of mutual understanding, and effective methods are designed to achieve emotional closeness rather than distance.

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