Trust should be earned and built over time, not freely given, and it requires consistent actions and behaviors to cultivate in a new relationship.
Prioritizing self-reflection and personal growth alongside dating helps individuals develop confidence, understand their desires, and make healthier choices in partnerships.
Building a connection based on shared values, effort, and understanding is more important than relying solely on the initial spark or attraction in a relationship.
Deep dives
Building Trust in Relationships
Building trust is a process that involves different levels. It starts with zero trust and gradually moves through transactional trust, reciprocal trust, and potentially unconditional trust. Trust should be earned and built over time, not freely given. Many people mistakenly expect immediate trust in a new relationship, but trust needs to be cultivated through consistent actions and behaviors.
The Importance of Self-Work in Relationships
Spending time with oneself and understanding personal values, needs, and desires is crucial in building a healthy relationship. It is important to prioritize self-reflection and personal growth alongside dating and meeting new people. This self-work helps individuals develop confidence and a clear understanding of what they truly want in a relationship. It also enables them to identify red flags and make healthier choices in their partnerships.
The Illusion of the 'Spark' in Relationships
The initial spark or intense attraction experienced in the early stages of a relationship can be misleading. It is often influenced by societal narratives from media and movies. Instead of fixating on the spark, it is more important to focus on building a connection with someone and assessing if there is a genuine desire to build a life together. True compatibility and lasting love require effort, understanding, and shared values, rather than relying solely on initial chemistry.
Understanding Personal Patterns and Samskaras
When looking at relationship patterns, it can be helpful to examine the gifts and gaps in parental upbringing. Identifying the positive aspects of one's parents' love and the areas where they may have fallen short can shed light on one's own relationship patterns. Recognizing these patterns can help individuals make conscious choices to replicate healthy behaviors or break free from negative cycles.
Recognizing the Importance of Validation and Expectations
The podcast episode explores the significance of validation and expectations in relationships. The speaker shares personal experiences about always having high expectations from their family, which led them to seek validation elsewhere. They highlight the importance of recognizing and articulating our own expectations in a relationship and understanding that not everyone can fulfill those expectations. The key insight is that realizing and communicating our expectations can prevent us from forcing unrealistic standards onto our partner and allow us to develop self-validation.
The Role of Support and Self-Validation in Relationships
The podcast delves into the concept of support and self-validation in healthy relationships. The speaker discusses the roles played in relationships, including fixer, dependent, and supporter. They emphasize the significance of adopting a supportive role where both partners can encourage and empower each other instead of trying to fix each other's problems. By promoting self-growth and filling their own cups, individuals can create a healthier dynamic with their partner. The speaker also highlights the importance of understanding different fight styles, such as venting, hiding, and exploding, and finding a balance in conflict resolution.
Today I’m thrilled to share this conversation with the excellent Jay Shetty. We talk about everything from learning to love your own company, living without comparison, dealing with insecurities, how to find the right relationship, doing the deep work on self-understanding, and much much more! Jay is a New York Times Bestselling Author, host of the “On Purpose” podcast, a storyteller and a former monk. Check out Jay’s new book: 8 Rules of Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go
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