The Science Of Speaking Up For Yourself | Elaine Lin Hering (Co-Hosted By Dan's Wife, Bianca!)
May 22, 2024
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Elaine Lin Hering, a communication expert, shares insights on finding your voice, the cost of silence, unintentional silencing, and her four-step plan. The discussion explores self-editing, societal pressures, relationships, and fostering open communication. Discover how to speak up effectively and create a safe environment for dialogue.
Understanding the impact of silence on health and relationships, and learning when and how to speak up effectively.
Reflecting on communication patterns, negotiating needs, and expressing oneself without fear of judgment.
Running experiments and using sounding boards to improve communication dynamics, recognizing biases in cost-benefit analysis when deciding to speak up.
Deep dives
The Power of Unlearning Silence
Elaine Lynn Herring, a former lecturer at Harvard Law School, discusses her book 'Unlearning Silence,' focusing on how and when to speak up and not silence others. She emphasizes the importance of learning to use your voice by understanding the impact of silence on health and relationships. Herring highlights the need to create space for individual needs and differences while honoring human dignity and agency.
Navigating Silence and Voice in Relationships
The podcast explores the dynamics of silence and voice in relationships, exemplified by Dan and Bianca Harris's experiences. They delve into how silence and voice impact communication, emphasizing the importance of expressing needs without fear of being perceived as needy. Through small experiments and soundboarding, they highlight the value of reflecting on one's communication patterns and negotiating needs.
Using Experiments and Sounding Boards
The episode suggests running experiments as a method to explore using one's voice effectively, overcoming stifled communication patterns. It introduces the concept of sounding boards as mirrors that reflect back one's thoughts and communication style. By practicing requests and negotiations with sounding boards, individuals can gain clarity on communication dynamics and improve their ability to express their needs.
Recognizing the Influence of Short-Term vs. Long-Term Costs in Speaking Up
The speaker highlights the tendency to over-focus on short-term costs of speaking up, such as discomfort or immediate reactions, while overlooking long-term consequences. The speaker uses Amy Edmondson's voice silence calculation to explain that speaking up often incurs immediate costs for the speaker while the benefits are more collective. By recognizing biases like present bias and self-bias which hinder accurate cost-benefit analysis, individuals can make more informed decisions regarding when to speak up.
Creating a Culture of Voice by Understanding Communication Preferences
The discussion delves into the importance of understanding individual communication styles and preferences to foster a culture of voice. By acknowledging diverse communication methods and preferences, individuals can support each other in expressing themselves effectively. Lending social capital, endorsing different modes of communication, and providing explicit norms help in normalizing varied communication styles, enhancing collaborative environments, and breaking biases related to communication.
How to find your voice when you need to be heard, learn when it's smart to choose silence, and communicate better with the people who matter most.
Elaine Lin Hering is a former Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School. She works with organizations and individuals to build skills in communication, collaboration, and conflict management. She has served as the Advanced Training Director for the Harvard Mediation Program and a Managing Partner for Triad Consulting Group. She has worked with coal miners at BHP Billiton, micro-finance organizers in East Africa, mental health professionals in China, and senior leadership at the US Department of Commerce. She is the author of the forthcoming book Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully.
In this episode we talk about:
How we learn silence and self-editing
How we often miscalculate the cost-benefit when it comes to speaking up or staying silent
Elaine’s four steps to learn how to speak up and find your voice
How we can unintentionally silence others, especially those closest to us, and what to do about it