Redemptive Living Radio

In this episode, we talk about when he is withholding sex during recovery.  While this might not be as common as men that will hypersexualize their wives, it’s still something that we see and it’s important to give space to this piece of the puzzle because it is INCREDIBLY painful and confusing for her. We start with talking about the underpinnings of withholding sex.  Jason gives five different reasons that he sees that can contribute to this and I think it’s important to note that the intimacy aversion as well as trauma from childhood, I believe, weigh the most as far as underpinnings. We then talk about what she needs in the midst of this:  reassurance via cared, adored, loved, etc.  This is tricky because a lot of men aren’t capable of this early on in recovery due to it being too intimate, too vulnerable, too risky.  In addition, she needs to see him actively working on the underpinnings. Finally, we talk about what the couple can do in order to move toward reconnecting sexually in a healthy way.  We will be back next week with part 2, looking at the other side of the coin:  what to do when he is hypersexual. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   Here is a link to the Rescued workbook. Click here to download the Podcast Freebies - we added the building blocks of intimacy graphic. Here is a link to the cow meme I referred to from Instagram. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

Okay you guys - this was another really hard episode to record.  We started in our podcast studio (aka my office) and then had to move to our bedroom.  Upon setting up camp in our bedroom, we kept getting interrupted - by a puppy, by our children, by a vacuum cleaner.  Thank goodness for Mary and Christa, our podcast producers - I am sure they had their work cut out for them on this one.   In this episode, we talk about a phenomenon we see in the recovery process where he gets too far out ahead and in effect leaves her behind.  This can happen post-disclosure when he has aired his dirty laundry and he feels better.  This can also happen when he has done some recovery work and genuinely sees and feels a difference and looks back at her, sees her as being stuck, and implicitly in his communication - he says - “you should come up here”.  The issue with this is it implies she is the problem in moving through recovery.  And oftentimes - she is blamed for not being forgiving.  As I say on the podcast, this is awful.   If anyone wants it to be fast - trust me, it’s her!   We explore the reasons motivating him to do this, what she really needs and what he can do to come back to her.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   Link to the podcast episode on Shame Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

In this episode - our special guest is struggling at the beginning of the episode.  It doesn’t last long, thank goodness.  Hang tight during the first couple of minutes.  As for what we talk about:  it’s all about mid recovery.  Such an incredibly important part of the process - it will determine whether you survive versus whether you thrive.    We start by clarifying the difference between early-recovery and mid-recovery - here is a bit of an outline:   Early Recovery includes: - Formal Disclosure - Boundary Setting - Grieving - Anger - Managing Triggers - Family of Origin work for him - Managing Shame - Insight into his triggers   Mid Recovery includes: - Grief cycles are shorter - Triggers can feel worse - Check-Ins not as formal - Him getting a handle on his Acting In - Continuing his Family of Origin work - Experiencing the fruits of forgiveness - Her needing to see him pressing in - this isn’t the time to let off the gas - For her - increased weariness oftentimes occurs (process fatigue) - Sobriety isn’t in question nor is it the focal point   I loved it when Jason said early recovery is oftentimes defined by the don’ts while mid recovery is defined by the do’s. Another great quote:  "when someone has become friends with the work, you can tell they are living in recovery.”  We land the plane with talking about some of the specific things that you can be doing in mid recovery.  Truly there is a lot of richness in this part of the process.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   See page 3 of the Rescued workbook for the Addictive Cycle which is credit to Patrick Carnes Acting In MasterClass for men can be found here Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

In this episode - we give a quick recap of episode #38 (since it’s the foundation) and then dig into more of the practicalities of rebuilding trust.  Here are five things we focus on:   - It’s the little things, not just the big ticket things that matter.   - Your personal positives can’t outweigh the relational positives.   - Showing it’s on your mind more than it’s on hers.   - When it’s the hardest it counts the most.   - Showing it’s born out of your character change.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

Topics discussed: rebuilding trust, heart attitude and mindset, insecurity and fear, costs and mindset shift in trust-building, shifting from victim mindset to active agent mindset, rebuilding trust through vulnerability.

In this episode - we talk about sexual intimacy post-betrayal.  Here are just a couple of the things we discuss: - Allow it to be wonky and work toward decreasing the pressure to make this part of the relationship perfect - as I (Shelley) mention in the podcast - let it be life work. - We discuss frequency - should it be every 72 hours?  What about depriving one another (see 1 Corinthians 7:5)? - Triggers for him and for her when engaging in sexual intimacy. Ultimately - it’s important to think of sexual intimacy as an opportunity for us to redefine in a healthy way what is most important.  It’s not to be transactional, it’s not just to get it done - it’s to be caring, loving, and a celebration of the greater intimacy we share with our spouse. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!    Shelley mentions Episode #19 - Sexual Abstinence in the Recovery Process Shelley mentions Episode #33 - Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts (for Women) The Worthy of Her Trust workshop for men is happening this March in TX.  Applications close in one week - you can get all the details for that here. There is also a women’s retreat happening the beginning of April in Ocean Isle Beach, NC - details are here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we are going to skim the surface on how we as adults can protect our children from exposure to pornography.  Please know that this isn’t a space where we need to judge each other but rather where we can link arms and help each other protect our children.  Here are the high points: What is so very important is to be talking about it - we expound on this in the episode and talk a bit about how talking to our children progresses as they get older. Naming shame and developing emotional intimacy - we see these two things as big ticket strategies that will help prevent sexual integrity issues long term. Delay, Limit and Protect - pertaining to technology. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!    Slides from our recent presentation - includes stats (coming soon!) Shelley mentions Decoding Boys as a great resource for parents of boys. There is also a book by the same author for girls entitled The Care and Keeping of You. Feelings Wheel Pillow Gabb Phone Bark Covenant Eyes Gryphon Router The Worthy of Her Trust workshop for men is happening in three weeks. There is still space available and you can get all the details for that here. There is also a women’s retreat happening the beginning of April in Ocean Isle Beach, NC - details are here. Would love for you to join me for an upcoming Boundaries MasterClass for Women - all the details here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

We start with a very quick appliance update even if Jason thinks nobody cares.  I know otherwise! As for the episode:  Does your husband or x-husband tell you there is no reason to talk about the sexual integrity issue because he doesn’t struggle anymore?  This is something we hear quite often and it sends red flags off in my (Shelley’s) head in a major way.  We unpack how this impacts her (it can be super invalidating and scary) as well as what might be driving him to say this (fear, shame, and misinformed theology).   We then share a different framework for him to use and that will also be much more reassuring for her.  Here are a couple of the high points: - Initially, the addict or dark side and the good man are tangled up with the addict in the driver’s seat.  It’s important to acknowledge that those two parts of him are there. - The early recovery work focuses on extracting the addict from the guy in recovery and focusing on understanding the addict as well as understanding the good man within.  As Jason says, a lot of men stop here.  - Long range - what we want to do is reintegrate the addict (or dark side) and the new, good man. The good man is in the drivers seat and as Jason says - "with grace and compassion hold that the dark side is apart of us”.  By owning our sin and our mistakes, we are humbled and able to hold tight to the fact that we need a Savior.  This is so incredibly important. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!    Shelley mentions the Requests for Reassurance Episode #32 - here is the link to it. The Worthy of Her Trust workshop for men is happening this March in TX. Applications are live and you can get all the details for that here. There is also a women’s retreat happening the beginning of April in Ocean Isle Beach, NC - details are here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Okay, so let me first say - this episode was HARD to record.  We had a ton of technical issues and didn’t realize not once, twice but THREE times that our recorder STOPPED recording WITHOUT us knowing until 10-15 minutes later. BUT we persevered and we hope something in here speaks to you! We wanted to chat about what it looks like when we come to a crossroad in recovery where we have to choose which way we are going.  Are we going to keep fighting and not lose hope?  Or are we going to throw in the towel and give up. This (navigating the crossroad) is happening underneath some of the more tangible things that we are doing in recovery like working on boundaries, navigating triggers, etc and I think it’s important to name it when it’s happening. A couple of highlights: - Men have the greatest capacity to help their wives heal - the one that hurt us the most has the greatest capacity (besides God) to help us heal. - Three keys to navigating the crossroad (for women):  awareness including naming the crossroad, making the choice to keep fighting and finally, support from other women. - For men, it’s important to also have support as well as focusing on:  what is the next right thing?  (And truly taking it one small step at a time.) We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!    We mentioned Emily P Freeman’s podcast - The Next Right Thing.  Lovely in all the ways. Jason announced the Worthy of Her Trust workshop happening this March in TX.  Applications are live and you can get all the details for that here. There is also a women’s retreat happening the beginning of April - details are here. MasterClasses for men start next week on February 8th..  Click here to see all the details. We have a couple of spots left in the new groups starting this quarter for women.  Would love for you to join us - these groups are game changers! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this week’s episode, we are thrilled to have a special guest with us - our new puppy, Pluto!  He was a great assistant throughout our recording.  We are happy to update you on our dryer as well as Shelley’s continued choices to wear clothing from two decades ago.  Moving onto more important things - we talk this week about dealing with intrusive thoughts during the recovery process, in particular for her. Here are some of the things we cover: - Know that this is "normal" and apart of the impact of the trauma.  It's not where we want women to stay long-term but it does serve a purpose short term in helping us move through the grief.   - There are also plenty of times when we need to contain the thoughts in order to be present and revisit the thoughts later.  We give three strategies to help with this containment:  brain stop, prayer and vaulting it.   - Suggesting she just STOP thinking about the past, looking at evidence of the past, etc. - is harmful.  Let this be HER process, not yours.   - It can be important to ask the question - is there a gap in safety somewhere causing her to ruminate / obsess during certain situations (when he is at work, goes to the grocery store, etc.)?  And instead of asking her to stop ruminating - figure out what she needs to feel safer.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!    There are several books we mention during this episode - Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and the Brain STOP can be found on page 22 of the Rescued workbook. Jason announced the Worthy of Her Trust workshop happening this March in TX.  Applications are live and you can get all the details for that here. There is also a women’s retreat happening the beginning of April - details are here. We have several new groups starting in February.  Click here for all the details. Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here.  Would love for you to consider taking this with me, please add your name to the wait list so that you are the first to know when registration for the next round opens.  (The wait list just serves as a place for those with interest to get the first email.) Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.