Redemptive Living Radio

This week on the RL Radio podcast - part two of the two-part series on what it looks like when he takes the blame versus what it looks like for him to take ownership. In this episode, we focus on the latter, taking ownership. I love this episode and I hope you love it, too! For a real life example - we discuss our lovely turquoise, tweed couch and how Jason took the blame initially via victim AND martyr. (Ladies - CRAZY making!!!) Here are three principles he can use to pivot from blame to ownership: Ownership happens when there is something bigger than me to fall back on. This begs the question: What is my worth in? Ownership happens when my eyes are on you, not on me. As in: feeling it with her and for her; no excuses made, focus completely on her. Ownership happens when the wrong stands alone. As in: expose it, don’t hide it; fully own it. We then talk about what SHE experiences when he owns it + what it does for him when he owns it. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  For a photo of my poor couch - click here. This is just one of the two couches that have been damaged when I’ve been out of town. Tragic. If you want to see examples of the T-30 Journal + a check-in (FITNAP) from Worthy of Her Trust and Rescued, respectively, you can click here and subscribe to the podcast downloads. You will get an email with ALL the podcast downloads we have offered to date! Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we will be starting the next MasterClass in May! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Welcome back to RL Radio! We are starting this fifth season with a two part series on what it looks like when he takes the blame versus what it looks like for him to take ownership. In this first episode, we break down what it looks like to take the blame. Specifically this can look like taking the role of the victim (think: passive and not even checking the box) or taking the role of the martyr (think: attacking and checks the box but with the wrong heart attitude).   What this does to her is exactly what it’s doing to him. With the victim role - he becomes MORE powerless, MORE hopeless and it does the exact same thing to her when he plays this role. Likewise, with the martyr role - he becomes more isolated, feels even more punished - and the same applies to her - she feels shut down and punished for even making a request. There is a better way - and it’s called ownership.  Ownership aides in making the moment healing versus making the moment another painful drop in the bucket.  And if, for a second, you think this comes easy to us - it doesn’t.  Case in point:  the beautiful teal tweed couch and the lovely green suede couch.  You’ll understand in part two next week! We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   An example of the T-30 journal can be found in the back of Worthy of Her Trust. An example of a check-in can be found on page 153 in Rescued. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.  

In this final episode of season #4 - we talk about the importance of him validating the totality of her experience - not just what she has experienced since D-day but before then as well.  Here is what we know - women need validation (as they look in the rear view mirror) and view everything as catastrophic before they can look back and see anything that is good.   During our conversation - we take some time to talk about equanimity.  We talked about equanimity in this podcast if you want to hear more.  But Jason said some things in this podcast that I thought were SO validating so I hope you will listen for them.  In particular, we discuss this concept of everything being run through the lens of betrayal (when it comes to the marital relationship) and leveraging what we have experienced and using it for good.   We also discuss some of the things that make it hard for a husband to validate her when it all feels tainted and in the podcast, we give antidotes for each of these: He fears:  "what if she stays there and never sees anything as good or positive from the past?” Activates his shame - “I’m a horrible person.”   He wonders:  “when do I get a voice”? (Holding onto equanimity.  WARNING: we camp here for quite a bit!)  I love it when Jason said:  “the level of injury from all the betrayal (acting in and acting out) overshadows the injury from relational issues….  Everything must run through the lens of betrayal, even today.”   Him being misinformed:  “But I’m not doing it now!” For men that have a performance oriented identity:  “I’ll never be able to do enough.”  We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!    Applications are about to close for the next RLW Retreat, October 6-9 in Scottsdale, AZ.  Click here to apply! Interested in a women’s support group?  Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we will be starting the next group in late September / early October. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

On this episode we have our VERY special and FIRST guest on our podcast, Elizabeth!  She is one of our amazing coaches here at Redemptive Living for Women.  I'm so excited to share our conversation, as I want all of you women out there to know there is hope for you, whether your marriage survives or not.   Elizabeth paints word pictures for us as we discuss her journey of the past five years.  From the ideal couple - to betrayal - to hoping there would be change - to being released from holding vigil over a dead thing - to now:  being “healthily divorced”.   Here is a little more detail on the things we discuss from Elizabeth’s journey: Meeting and marriage Betrayal discovery  Early work, the first few months Developing a community, tribe, safety net Years of separation  Prayerfully moving from separation to filing for divorce Who God is calling her to be as Elizabeth, not just as a wife or ex-wife Her passion for journeying with other women during their betrayal recovery We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  Elizabeth’s bio and contact info is here.    Applications are OPEN for the next RLW Retreat!  Click here to apply! Interested in a women’s support group?  Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we are about to wrap up the current class and will be back with a new class this Fall. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode we wanted to talk about what to do when he chooses not to do the work.  Warning:  we get off track a lot.  We start with talking about contradictions in the Bible - for instance:  Ephesians 4:26 says - Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.  However, Psalm 4:4 says - be angry yet don’t sin.  Think about it overnight and remain silent.  Contradictions.   This applies to the betrayal recovery process in that sometimes its hard to know:  do I give him grace?  Or do I use the tough love approach?   We both agree that the "grace based approach" doesn’t work as well as the "tough love approach" when it comes to sexual addiction recovery.  This is born out of our story - I initially tried the grace based approach and it did not work.  It wasn’t until I dropped the hammer that the floor raised for Jason, he saw I was serious, and he had to make a choice.  Of course, it’s important to note that the tough love approach doesn’t always save the marriage, as you will hear about next week on the pod.   Here are several of the high points from our talk:   1 - Before dropping the hammer, plead for him to change. 2 - Get Support. 2 - Choose your hard. 3 - Consider the Matthew 18 approach. 4 - Don’t jump to divorce out of the gate - start with boundaries. 5 - Ask yourself these questions:  What do I need?  What do I need to feel safe?  What do you have a right to?  How can I protect me?   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  The episode on Mid-Recovery (#40) can be found here and the episodes on Early-Recovery (#14 and #15) are here and here. Applications are OPEN for the next RLW Retreat!  Click here to apply! Shelley mentions “I Don’t Love You Anymore” by Dr. David Clarke - excellent book that I think every wife should read! Interested in a women’s support group?  Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we are about to wrap up the current class and will be back with a new class this Fall. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

Hi all! We're a little behind on recording, so our next new episode will be out next friday.

In this episode, we talk about how hard it is for her as she is wondering:  is he doing recovery work?  Or not? Some of the things women wonder about: is he cheating on me today? what if he is just checking the box? is he really living with integrity when I am not around? is he actually applying what we are investing time and money to learn? what is he doing when he isn’t with me? is he standing up for me and honoring me when he is with our children? the list goes on… it’s a LOT to carry Ladies - I encourage you to journal out:  what is weighing on your mind as far as what you are wondering about when it comes to his recovery. We then talk about:  what can he do to help with this wondering.  It comes down to transferring the burden.  Jason gives four strategies men can use to transfer the burden onto him.  I also mention some strategies she can use to free herself from this wondering. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  Jason mentions being a wife knower - see episode #41 for more on that. Jason also mentions episode #39 on Rebuilding Trust:  The Practicalities.  You can hear that episode here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we are about to wrap up the current class and will be back with a new class this Fall. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women.  Ticket sales go live tomorrow to the public!   Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

We start this episode with a big announcement - the 2nd RLW retreat will be in Scottsdale, AZ October 6th-9th.  I really hope you will consider joining me!  Ticket sales go live on July 2nd but we will be opening up tickets to the wait list prior to this date.  Click here to join the waitlist. We then get sidetracked talking about some of our favorite restaurants in the Scottsdale area:  The Farm at South Mountain, Bandera - which apparently closed this year, and Luci’s at the Grove I wanted to start with pinning up a couple of things from the last episode: In particular a bit more of the Story of Joseph which is in Genesis 37 through the end of Genesis.  Bottom line:   we see a Biblical example of forgiveness and grief and in particular Joseph shows us that we can forgive and then continue to grieve. Fast forgiveness can lead to fast bitterness for women.  Jason wanted to reiterate that a husband’s heart attitude toward the forgiveness process for her needs to be focused on for her to feel better, not just for him to feel better. We then dig into some handholds that women can use as they work through the forgiveness process.  We dig into these six phases of the process: Awareness - owning our feelings, this is the beginning of grief Acknowledgement - name the bitterness, resentment, etc. and see that forgiveness is ultimately the answer - but it’s okay to not jump to forgiveness if you aren’t ready Empathize and Experience - empathy is key (but keep in mind this can take a long time to cultivate).  In regards to experience:  this is from the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18- when we experience forgiveness (not just receive it) - it readies our hearts to share it with others. Choice - forgiveness is volitional, it’s a choice, it literally means - “to let go” Commemorate and Communicate - doing something to show that you have said your big “yes” of forgiveness and consider communicating this to the one that has hurt you (use wisdom here, depends on the relationship) Continuation - even after our big yes of forgiveness - continuing to say the little yeses.  The number of times we forgive is not a numerical standard but rather a heart standard.  We will continue to forgive until our heart is at peace. Forgiveness work is a full-time job ladies.  And for men listening - please hear me say:  she is working HARD to get there.  When she is crying and grieving - know that this is what is moving her through and toward forgiveness. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  Click here for information on Support Groups - we are working on new groups for 3 Q 2022. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women.  By joining the wait list, you will get early access to ticket sales. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

In this episode, we talk about all things forgiveness.  This is one of my favorite topics in the betrayal recovery realm and I realize that we are just barely skimming the surface here.     I start with sharing a bit of my forgiveness story, just to give all you listeners a bit of context on where I am coming from.  Bottom line:  initially I saw forgiveness as THE solution and so my second run at forgiveness, I chose to take it very slowly, as I knew I had to do it differently.   Some of the other things we chat about: the pressure put on women by our Christian culture to forgive the fears that come along with forgiving - like not being able to grieve or talk about the pain and hurt anymore once we forgive what needs to happen in order to forgive:  grief work, knowing what she is forgiving, and getting safe (safety comes before forgiveness) the story of Joseph and how he grieves and forgives interchangeably.  Once forgiveness takes place, he continues to grieve.  We see in Genesis 41: 51-52 as well as in Genesis 50:20 that Joseph is in the process of forgiving, saying big and little yeses.  We see in Genesis 42:24 and 43:30 Joseph grieving (just to name a few instances of Joseph grieving). the difference between grief and unforgiveness:  unforgiveness is defined by “the demand for what you owe me” whereas grief is expressing the “pain of how you hurt me”. what helps her to be able to forgive:  him being forgivable - including humility, contrition, talking about it when she needs to, being willing to say “I’m sorry” - many a times. what does forgiveness look like when he didn’t do recovery work and he isn’t safe.  Sometimes having strong boundaries can FEEL like unforgiveness. Shelley mentions Matthew 18: 21-22 when Jesus teaches that forgiveness, and continuing to do so, is based on our hearts, not on a number.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  "Forgiveness is both an event and a process.  It’s one big yes followed by many little yeses as the months and years roll by.” - Paula Rinehart, Strong Women, Soft Hearts Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location on July 24th!  By joining the wait list, you will get early access to ticket sales. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

In this episode, we talk about what to do when he is pressuring her to have sex.  We chose to look at this through the lens of desiring for change, healing, and care for her.  Bottom line - if he is putting pressure on her to have sex - it’'s a signal of something deeper going on within him that needs to be explored.   We do a lot of talking and ultimately identify and discuss:     1 - The tells that there is something deeper going on within him that needs to be addressed. 2 - What he needs to do. 3 - What can she do when this is happening.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   Shelley mentions the Empowered Boundaries Class a couple of times - you can join the wait list for the next class here. Shelley mentions Leviticus 25:29 toward the end of the podcast when she is talking about homes having more value inside the city walls. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location on July 24th! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.