We start this episode with a big announcement - the 2nd RLW retreat will be in Scottsdale, AZ October 6th-9th.  I really hope you will consider joining me!  Ticket sales go live on July 2nd but we will be opening up tickets to the wait list prior to this date.  Click here to join the waitlist. We then get sidetracked talking about some of our favorite restaurants in the Scottsdale area:  The Farm at South Mountain, Bandera - which apparently closed this year, and Luci’s at the Grove I wanted to start with pinning up a couple of things from the last episode: In particular a bit more of the Story of Joseph which is in Genesis 37 through the end of Genesis.  Bottom line:   we see a Biblical example of forgiveness and grief and in particular Joseph shows us that we can forgive and then continue to grieve. Fast forgiveness can lead to fast bitterness for women.  Jason wanted to reiterate that a husband’s heart attitude toward the forgiveness process for her needs to be focused on for her to feel better, not just for him to feel better. We then dig into some handholds that women can use as they work through the forgiveness process.  We dig into these six phases of the process: Awareness - owning our feelings, this is the beginning of grief Acknowledgement - name the bitterness, resentment, etc. and see that forgiveness is ultimately the answer - but it’s okay to not jump to forgiveness if you aren’t ready Empathize and Experience - empathy is key (but keep in mind this can take a long time to cultivate).  In regards to experience:  this is from the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18- when we experience forgiveness (not just receive it) - it readies our hearts to share it with others. Choice - forgiveness is volitional, it’s a choice, it literally means - “to let go” Commemorate and Communicate - doing something to show that you have said your big “yes” of forgiveness and consider communicating this to the one that has hurt you (use wisdom here, depends on the relationship) Continuation - even after our big yes of forgiveness - continuing to say the little yeses.  The number of times we forgive is not a numerical standard but rather a heart standard.  We will continue to forgive until our heart is at peace. Forgiveness work is a full-time job ladies.  And for men listening - please hear me say:  she is working HARD to get there.  When she is crying and grieving - know that this is what is moving her through and toward forgiveness. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  Click here for information on Support Groups - we are working on new groups for 3 Q 2022. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women.  By joining the wait list, you will get early access to ticket sales. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

In this episode, we talk about all things forgiveness.  This is one of my favorite topics in the betrayal recovery realm and I realize that we are just barely skimming the surface here.     I start with sharing a bit of my forgiveness story, just to give all you listeners a bit of context on where I am coming from.  Bottom line:  initially I saw forgiveness as THE solution and so my second run at forgiveness, I chose to take it very slowly, as I knew I had to do it differently.   Some of the other things we chat about: the pressure put on women by our Christian culture to forgive the fears that come along with forgiving - like not being able to grieve or talk about the pain and hurt anymore once we forgive what needs to happen in order to forgive:  grief work, knowing what she is forgiving, and getting safe (safety comes before forgiveness) the story of Joseph and how he grieves and forgives interchangeably.  Once forgiveness takes place, he continues to grieve.  We see in Genesis 41: 51-52 as well as in Genesis 50:20 that Joseph is in the process of forgiving, saying big and little yeses.  We see in Genesis 42:24 and 43:30 Joseph grieving (just to name a few instances of Joseph grieving). the difference between grief and unforgiveness:  unforgiveness is defined by “the demand for what you owe me” whereas grief is expressing the “pain of how you hurt me”. what helps her to be able to forgive:  him being forgivable - including humility, contrition, talking about it when she needs to, being willing to say “I’m sorry” - many a times. what does forgiveness look like when he didn’t do recovery work and he isn’t safe.  Sometimes having strong boundaries can FEEL like unforgiveness. Shelley mentions Matthew 18: 21-22 when Jesus teaches that forgiveness, and continuing to do so, is based on our hearts, not on a number.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  "Forgiveness is both an event and a process.  It’s one big yes followed by many little yeses as the months and years roll by.” - Paula Rinehart, Strong Women, Soft Hearts Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location on July 24th!  By joining the wait list, you will get early access to ticket sales. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

In this episode, we talk about what to do when he is pressuring her to have sex.  We chose to look at this through the lens of desiring for change, healing, and care for her.  Bottom line - if he is putting pressure on her to have sex - it’'s a signal of something deeper going on within him that needs to be explored.   We do a lot of talking and ultimately identify and discuss:     1 - The tells that there is something deeper going on within him that needs to be addressed. 2 - What he needs to do. 3 - What can she do when this is happening.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   Shelley mentions the Empowered Boundaries Class a couple of times - you can join the wait list for the next class here. Shelley mentions Leviticus 25:29 toward the end of the podcast when she is talking about homes having more value inside the city walls. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location on July 24th! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

In this episode, we talk about when he is withholding sex during recovery.  While this might not be as common as men that will hypersexualize their wives, it’s still something that we see and it’s important to give space to this piece of the puzzle because it is INCREDIBLY painful and confusing for her. We start with talking about the underpinnings of withholding sex.  Jason gives five different reasons that he sees that can contribute to this and I think it’s important to note that the intimacy aversion as well as trauma from childhood, I believe, weigh the most as far as underpinnings. We then talk about what she needs in the midst of this:  reassurance via cared, adored, loved, etc.  This is tricky because a lot of men aren’t capable of this early on in recovery due to it being too intimate, too vulnerable, too risky.  In addition, she needs to see him actively working on the underpinnings. Finally, we talk about what the couple can do in order to move toward reconnecting sexually in a healthy way.  We will be back next week with part 2, looking at the other side of the coin:  what to do when he is hypersexual. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   Here is a link to the Rescued workbook. Click here to download the Podcast Freebies - we added the building blocks of intimacy graphic. Here is a link to the cow meme I referred to from Instagram. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

Okay you guys - this was another really hard episode to record.  We started in our podcast studio (aka my office) and then had to move to our bedroom.  Upon setting up camp in our bedroom, we kept getting interrupted - by a puppy, by our children, by a vacuum cleaner.  Thank goodness for Mary and Christa, our podcast producers - I am sure they had their work cut out for them on this one.   In this episode, we talk about a phenomenon we see in the recovery process where he gets too far out ahead and in effect leaves her behind.  This can happen post-disclosure when he has aired his dirty laundry and he feels better.  This can also happen when he has done some recovery work and genuinely sees and feels a difference and looks back at her, sees her as being stuck, and implicitly in his communication - he says - “you should come up here”.  The issue with this is it implies she is the problem in moving through recovery.  And oftentimes - she is blamed for not being forgiving.  As I say on the podcast, this is awful.   If anyone wants it to be fast - trust me, it’s her!   We explore the reasons motivating him to do this, what she really needs and what he can do to come back to her.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   Link to the podcast episode on Shame Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

In this episode - our special guest is struggling at the beginning of the episode.  It doesn’t last long, thank goodness.  Hang tight during the first couple of minutes.  As for what we talk about:  it’s all about mid recovery.  Such an incredibly important part of the process - it will determine whether you survive versus whether you thrive.    We start by clarifying the difference between early-recovery and mid-recovery - here is a bit of an outline:   Early Recovery includes: - Formal Disclosure - Boundary Setting - Grieving - Anger - Managing Triggers - Family of Origin work for him - Managing Shame - Insight into his triggers   Mid Recovery includes: - Grief cycles are shorter - Triggers can feel worse - Check-Ins not as formal - Him getting a handle on his Acting In - Continuing his Family of Origin work - Experiencing the fruits of forgiveness - Her needing to see him pressing in - this isn’t the time to let off the gas - For her - increased weariness oftentimes occurs (process fatigue) - Sobriety isn’t in question nor is it the focal point   I loved it when Jason said early recovery is oftentimes defined by the don’ts while mid recovery is defined by the do’s. Another great quote:  "when someone has become friends with the work, you can tell they are living in recovery.”  We land the plane with talking about some of the specific things that you can be doing in mid recovery.  Truly there is a lot of richness in this part of the process.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   See page 3 of the Rescued workbook for the Addictive Cycle which is credit to Patrick Carnes Acting In MasterClass for men can be found here Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

In this episode - we give a quick recap of episode #38 (since it’s the foundation) and then dig into more of the practicalities of rebuilding trust.  Here are five things we focus on:   - It’s the little things, not just the big ticket things that matter.   - Your personal positives can’t outweigh the relational positives.   - Showing it’s on your mind more than it’s on hers.   - When it’s the hardest it counts the most.   - Showing it’s born out of your character change.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

Topics discussed: rebuilding trust, heart attitude and mindset, insecurity and fear, costs and mindset shift in trust-building, shifting from victim mindset to active agent mindset, rebuilding trust through vulnerability.

In this episode - we talk about sexual intimacy post-betrayal.  Here are just a couple of the things we discuss: - Allow it to be wonky and work toward decreasing the pressure to make this part of the relationship perfect - as I (Shelley) mention in the podcast - let it be life work. - We discuss frequency - should it be every 72 hours?  What about depriving one another (see 1 Corinthians 7:5)? - Triggers for him and for her when engaging in sexual intimacy. Ultimately - it’s important to think of sexual intimacy as an opportunity for us to redefine in a healthy way what is most important.  It’s not to be transactional, it’s not just to get it done - it’s to be caring, loving, and a celebration of the greater intimacy we share with our spouse. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!    Shelley mentions Episode #19 - Sexual Abstinence in the Recovery Process Shelley mentions Episode #33 - Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts (for Women) The Worthy of Her Trust workshop for men is happening this March in TX.  Applications close in one week - you can get all the details for that here. There is also a women’s retreat happening the beginning of April in Ocean Isle Beach, NC - details are here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we are going to skim the surface on how we as adults can protect our children from exposure to pornography.  Please know that this isn’t a space where we need to judge each other but rather where we can link arms and help each other protect our children.  Here are the high points: What is so very important is to be talking about it - we expound on this in the episode and talk a bit about how talking to our children progresses as they get older. Naming shame and developing emotional intimacy - we see these two things as big ticket strategies that will help prevent sexual integrity issues long term. Delay, Limit and Protect - pertaining to technology. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!    Slides from our recent presentation - includes stats (coming soon!) Shelley mentions Decoding Boys as a great resource for parents of boys. There is also a book by the same author for girls entitled The Care and Keeping of You. Feelings Wheel Pillow Gabb Phone Bark Covenant Eyes Gryphon Router The Worthy of Her Trust workshop for men is happening in three weeks. There is still space available and you can get all the details for that here. There is also a women’s retreat happening the beginning of April in Ocean Isle Beach, NC - details are here. Would love for you to join me for an upcoming Boundaries MasterClass for Women - all the details here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.