This week on RL Radio - we start our Empowerment Miniseries - starting with a question we have received multiple times - how can we get over the legitimate fear of seeing and interacting with “attractive” women in public. Because betrayal is an assault on our mind, heart, body and soul - most women feel exposed and discarded and less than. This makes it incredibly scary to go back into public and face other women. As we prepped for this podcast episode, I appreciate what Jason said - “this is going to hurt no matter what”. And it’s true - this pain we face when going back out in public is awful. But there is hope and we have help. I give three suggestions: Doing the internal work of being okay with you, just as you are. You are unique and you matter, every part of you. In the Moment Strategies / Breaking Point Strategies: seeing women as flawed and human, having boundaries with him early on (i.e., not being in public with him) + having boundaries in the moment if you feel you need extra protection - you get to choose! Maintenance Strategies: calming our nervous systems, slowing down, reconnecting with our bodies, inviting God into our morning to help us get through our day. Just a friendly reminder: you are not the cause and you are not the fix. I don’t mention this until the beginning of the next episode - but want to say this here: ladies - there is SO much hope! It doesn’t have to be this way forever. As you heal, going out in public WILL get better. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   Strategies to help you calm your nervous system - click here and sign up for the Podcast Freebies! For more information on RL Academy, click here. We will be announcing details for the next RLW Retreat + opening applications soon.  To make sure you get all the details - add yourself to the retreat interest list here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

This week on RL Radio - we start by talking about adversarial language. Jason gives a lot of examples - “swim toward the sharks”, “stand in front of the firing line”, “she’s on the gurney”, “tossing him grenades". Jason then explains some of the reasons this can be an issue including - it makes the wife the enemy and dehumanizes her. It also puts him (the husband) in a passive place versus an active participant in her healing. Instead, we want to encourage husbands to pivot toward this: anytime there is pain communicated is an opportunity for a healing exchange to take place. This happens via integration and intimacy. Jason and I get a little stuck when talking about whether he is avoiding saying something because he is caring for her versus avoiding saying something because of his intimacy aversion. Jason shares a couple of things that can help when the lack of conversation is because of the latter (avoiding intimacy or intimacy aversion) - a shift in mindset in serving her and serving yourself, seeing our call is to move toward pain; and last - seeing the fruit of it. I then add in: having people to support us and encourage us to lean back in. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   For more information on RL Academy, click here. We will be announcing details for the next RLW Retreat + opening applications soon.  To make sure you get all the details - add yourself to the retreat interest list here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click ere to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this podcast, they discuss the concept of 'dropping the rope' in relationships, letting go of expectations while still holding onto hope. They also explore the importance of honoring boundaries, understanding deeper needs and insecurities of wives, reflecting on faultfinding behavior, finding stability in an insecure relationship, and searching for clarity in a marital crisis.

This week on the RL Radio podcast - part two of the two-part series on what it looks like when he takes the blame versus what it looks like for him to take ownership. In this episode, we focus on the latter, taking ownership. I love this episode and I hope you love it, too! For a real life example - we discuss our lovely turquoise, tweed couch and how Jason took the blame initially via victim AND martyr. (Ladies - CRAZY making!!!) Here are three principles he can use to pivot from blame to ownership: Ownership happens when there is something bigger than me to fall back on. This begs the question: What is my worth in? Ownership happens when my eyes are on you, not on me. As in: feeling it with her and for her; no excuses made, focus completely on her. Ownership happens when the wrong stands alone. As in: expose it, don’t hide it; fully own it. We then talk about what SHE experiences when he owns it + what it does for him when he owns it. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  For a photo of my poor couch - click here. This is just one of the two couches that have been damaged when I’ve been out of town. Tragic. If you want to see examples of the T-30 Journal + a check-in (FITNAP) from Worthy of Her Trust and Rescued, respectively, you can click here and subscribe to the podcast downloads. You will get an email with ALL the podcast downloads we have offered to date! Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we will be starting the next MasterClass in May! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Welcome back to RL Radio! We are starting this fifth season with a two part series on what it looks like when he takes the blame versus what it looks like for him to take ownership. In this first episode, we break down what it looks like to take the blame. Specifically this can look like taking the role of the victim (think: passive and not even checking the box) or taking the role of the martyr (think: attacking and checks the box but with the wrong heart attitude).   What this does to her is exactly what it’s doing to him. With the victim role - he becomes MORE powerless, MORE hopeless and it does the exact same thing to her when he plays this role. Likewise, with the martyr role - he becomes more isolated, feels even more punished - and the same applies to her - she feels shut down and punished for even making a request. There is a better way - and it’s called ownership.  Ownership aides in making the moment healing versus making the moment another painful drop in the bucket.  And if, for a second, you think this comes easy to us - it doesn’t.  Case in point:  the beautiful teal tweed couch and the lovely green suede couch.  You’ll understand in part two next week! We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!   An example of the T-30 journal can be found in the back of Worthy of Her Trust. An example of a check-in can be found on page 153 in Rescued. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.  

In this final episode of season #4 - we talk about the importance of him validating the totality of her experience - not just what she has experienced since D-day but before then as well.  Here is what we know - women need validation (as they look in the rear view mirror) and view everything as catastrophic before they can look back and see anything that is good.   During our conversation - we take some time to talk about equanimity.  We talked about equanimity in this podcast if you want to hear more.  But Jason said some things in this podcast that I thought were SO validating so I hope you will listen for them.  In particular, we discuss this concept of everything being run through the lens of betrayal (when it comes to the marital relationship) and leveraging what we have experienced and using it for good.   We also discuss some of the things that make it hard for a husband to validate her when it all feels tainted and in the podcast, we give antidotes for each of these: He fears:  "what if she stays there and never sees anything as good or positive from the past?” Activates his shame - “I’m a horrible person.”   He wonders:  “when do I get a voice”? (Holding onto equanimity.  WARNING: we camp here for quite a bit!)  I love it when Jason said:  “the level of injury from all the betrayal (acting in and acting out) overshadows the injury from relational issues….  Everything must run through the lens of betrayal, even today.”   Him being misinformed:  “But I’m not doing it now!” For men that have a performance oriented identity:  “I’ll never be able to do enough.”  We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!    Applications are about to close for the next RLW Retreat, October 6-9 in Scottsdale, AZ.  Click here to apply! Interested in a women’s support group?  Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we will be starting the next group in late September / early October. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

On this episode we have our VERY special and FIRST guest on our podcast, Elizabeth!  She is one of our amazing coaches here at Redemptive Living for Women.  I'm so excited to share our conversation, as I want all of you women out there to know there is hope for you, whether your marriage survives or not.   Elizabeth paints word pictures for us as we discuss her journey of the past five years.  From the ideal couple - to betrayal - to hoping there would be change - to being released from holding vigil over a dead thing - to now:  being “healthily divorced”.   Here is a little more detail on the things we discuss from Elizabeth’s journey: Meeting and marriage Betrayal discovery  Early work, the first few months Developing a community, tribe, safety net Years of separation  Prayerfully moving from separation to filing for divorce Who God is calling her to be as Elizabeth, not just as a wife or ex-wife Her passion for journeying with other women during their betrayal recovery We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  Elizabeth’s bio and contact info is here.    Applications are OPEN for the next RLW Retreat!  Click here to apply! Interested in a women’s support group?  Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we are about to wrap up the current class and will be back with a new class this Fall. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode we wanted to talk about what to do when he chooses not to do the work.  Warning:  we get off track a lot.  We start with talking about contradictions in the Bible - for instance:  Ephesians 4:26 says - Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.  However, Psalm 4:4 says - be angry yet don’t sin.  Think about it overnight and remain silent.  Contradictions.   This applies to the betrayal recovery process in that sometimes its hard to know:  do I give him grace?  Or do I use the tough love approach?   We both agree that the "grace based approach" doesn’t work as well as the "tough love approach" when it comes to sexual addiction recovery.  This is born out of our story - I initially tried the grace based approach and it did not work.  It wasn’t until I dropped the hammer that the floor raised for Jason, he saw I was serious, and he had to make a choice.  Of course, it’s important to note that the tough love approach doesn’t always save the marriage, as you will hear about next week on the pod.   Here are several of the high points from our talk:   1 - Before dropping the hammer, plead for him to change. 2 - Get Support. 2 - Choose your hard. 3 - Consider the Matthew 18 approach. 4 - Don’t jump to divorce out of the gate - start with boundaries. 5 - Ask yourself these questions:  What do I need?  What do I need to feel safe?  What do you have a right to?  How can I protect me?   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  The episode on Mid-Recovery (#40) can be found here and the episodes on Early-Recovery (#14 and #15) are here and here. Applications are OPEN for the next RLW Retreat!  Click here to apply! Shelley mentions “I Don’t Love You Anymore” by Dr. David Clarke - excellent book that I think every wife should read! Interested in a women’s support group?  Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we are about to wrap up the current class and will be back with a new class this Fall. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

Hi all! We're a little behind on recording, so our next new episode will be out next friday.

In this episode, we talk about how hard it is for her as she is wondering:  is he doing recovery work?  Or not? Some of the things women wonder about: is he cheating on me today? what if he is just checking the box? is he really living with integrity when I am not around? is he actually applying what we are investing time and money to learn? what is he doing when he isn’t with me? is he standing up for me and honoring me when he is with our children? the list goes on… it’s a LOT to carry Ladies - I encourage you to journal out:  what is weighing on your mind as far as what you are wondering about when it comes to his recovery. We then talk about:  what can he do to help with this wondering.  It comes down to transferring the burden.  Jason gives four strategies men can use to transfer the burden onto him.  I also mention some strategies she can use to free herself from this wondering. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!  Jason mentions being a wife knower - see episode #41 for more on that. Jason also mentions episode #39 on Rebuilding Trust:  The Practicalities.  You can hear that episode here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we are about to wrap up the current class and will be back with a new class this Fall. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women.  Ticket sales go live tomorrow to the public!   Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.