In this episode - we are diving in to a question that Shelley receives quite regularly - why did you stay? And were you / are you embarrassed that you chose to stay?
We start with talking about some of the reasons that can make it embarrassing to stay - for instance, in our culture - there is this notion that when a woman is cheated on, there must be something wrong with her / something she did. I loved it when Jason said - “no amount of bad marriage necessitates or drives infidelity or betrayal”. I’d like to print this on a sticker or a t-shirt - anyone want one?!
Another reason that it can be really hard and even embarrassing to stay is when he is not doing the work (or is doing work some of the time but not consistently) and DIGNITY is not restored. This is critical to the couple ship process - for what has been stripped from her (dignity) to be restored.
We share several other reasons - what I think is important is for each of you to NAME what makes it embarrassing to stay and then also decide what is true / what isn’t true with your reasoning.
We then pivot to talking about some of the reasons I chose to stay with Jason at the fresh, young age of 26. I initially talk about giving myself permission to sit in the in-between and not make a quick decision. Let me be really clear (because I’m not sure if I was in the podcast episode) - while this is not a reason I stayed, it did help me tremendously in being able to make the choice, one way or another. I didn’t put pressure on myself to make a decision and I allowed myself to embrace the discomfort of not knowing which way to go.
Ultimately, I chose to stay because Jason completely changed. At a heart level. More than anything - he owned his brokenness and failures. And I wasn’t willing to stay with him if he was just sober and nothing more. I realized after all the hurt and all the pain - that he was still the man of my dreams. And I wanted to try to do life with him. I knew it was risky but the thought of not taking the risk wasn’t something I could wrap my head around.
And finally - I realized and waited for God to show me the way, it was just too big of a decision for me to make on my own. Even when I received clarity from God - I questioned if it was real (similar to Gideon and the fleece situation in Judges chapter 6 (see below)) and asked for more clarity. Ultimately - I’ve been able to hang tight to sign God gave me through the years.
We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6!
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For an article on What I Would Have Done Differently, written by our beloved Amy Garcia - click here. For the podcast on what we would have done differently (it’s episode #2) - click here.
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Here is a link to the passage from Judges 6:11-40.
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Would LOVE for you to join me at the Spring Retreat - click here for more information. We have ONE spot left!
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Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. You will find the Threats Assessment as well as the Bow-Tie Diagram + Video.
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For more information on RL Academy, click here.
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Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
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We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
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Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list,
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Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.