#44: Forgiveness - Part One

In this episode, we talk about all things forgiveness.  This is one of my favorite topics in the betrayal recovery realm and I realize that we are just barely skimming the surface here.     I start with sharing a bit of my forgiveness story, just to give all you listeners a bit of context on where I am coming from.  Bottom line:  initially I saw forgiveness as THE solution and so my second run at forgiveness, I chose to take it very slowly, as I knew I had to do it differently.   Some of the other things we chat about:

• the pressure put on women by our Christian culture to forgive
• the fears that come along with forgiving - like not being able to grieve or talk about the pain and hurt anymore once we forgive
• what needs to happen in order to forgive:  grief work, knowing what she is forgiving, and getting safe (safety comes before forgiveness)

• the story of Joseph and how he grieves and forgives interchangeably.  Once forgiveness takes place, he continues to grieve.  We see in Genesis 41: 51-52 as well as in Genesis 50:20 that Joseph is in the process of forgiving, saying big and little yeses.  We see in Genesis 42:24 and 43:30 Joseph grieving (just to name a few instances of Joseph grieving).

• the difference between grief and unforgiveness:  unforgiveness is defined by “the demand for what you owe me” whereas grief is expressing the “pain of how you hurt me”.

• what helps her to be able to forgive:  him being forgivable - including humility, contrition, talking about it when she needs to, being willing to say “I’m sorry” - many a times.

• what does forgiveness look like when he didn’t do recovery work and he isn’t safe.  Sometimes having strong boundaries can FEEL like unforgiveness.

• Shelley mentions Matthew 18: 21-22 when Jesus teaches that forgiveness, and continuing to do so, is based on our hearts, not on a number.

  We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! 

• "Forgiveness is both an event and a process.  It’s one big yes followed by many little yeses as the months and years roll by.” - Paula Rinehart, Strong Women, Soft Hearts
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