It’s All Your Fault: High Conflict People

High conflict divorce and separation in the family courts consumes the majority of the courts’ time and resources and provides the most frustration and confusion. This is the second of a two-part episode with Dr. Amy J.L. Baker in our new High Conflict Divorce series, in which we interview leading experts from the high conflict divorce world – attorneys, counselors, custody evaluators, researchers, mediators and those within the courts themselves. In this episode Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, parental alienation expert and author of 9 books, including Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex; The High-Conflict Custody Battle; and Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome will talk with Bill and Megan about:Whether favored parents ever recognize that they’re doing itParental alienation vs. parental estrangement Recommendations for lawyers when a child resists or refuses contactTips for what can be done in mild, moderate, severe casesTips for lawyers and therapistsTips for parents and grandparentsPrograms that can help reconnect a child with a rejected parentLinks & Other NotesWEBSITESDr. Baker’s Websitehttps://www.amyjlbaker.com/New Ways for Familieshttps://www.highconflictinstitute.com/new-ways-for-familiesTurning Points for Familieshttps://www.turningpointsforfamilies.com/BOOKSCo-Parenting with a Toxic Exhttps://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1608829588Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndromehttps://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0393705196The High-Conflict Custody Battlehttps://www.amazon.com/The-High-Conflict-Custody-Battle-Accusations/dp/1626250731OTHEROur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganBooks: all of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold.You can also find these show notes at our site.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:25) - Adult Children and Alienation (04:16) - Advice (09:31) - Recognizing You're Alienating (13:19) - Personality Disorders and Labels (16:37) - Evolving the Term (21:47) - Added to the DSM? (24:23) - Treatment (28:32) - Therapists (34:32) - Lawyers (36:24) - Parents (38:53) - Cutting Off Contact (41:09) - Wrapping Up (42:18) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Part 2 of our High Conflict Divorce series

Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, a nationally recognized authority on parental alienation and author of nine insightful books, tackles the challenging dynamics of high-conflict divorces. She defines parental alienation and highlights its prevalence and causes, drawing distinctions from estrangement. The discussion dives into how adult children of alienated parents navigate relationships later in life and offers vital strategies for parents facing alienation. Dr. Baker emphasizes the importance of understanding the emotional toll on families and the role of court systems in addressing these complex issues.

REBROADCASTDomestic ViolenceMegan and Bill are joined by the Honorable Karen Adam and Annette Burns to discuss domestic violence. This is part one of this conversation.Links & Other NotesTHE VIDEO THAT WAS DISCUSSED IN THE EPISODEConversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 ExpertsBIOSBios for Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., Honorable Karen Adam, and Annette Burns, J.D.DOMESTIC VIOLENCE EXPERTS INTERVIEWED IN THE VIDEOAbi Ajibolade, Executive Director, The Redwood, Toronto, OntarioAmy G. Applegate, JD, Clinical Professor of Law, Maurer School of Law, Indiana University, Bloomington, IndianaLinda Bortell, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist, Bortell Psychological, Inc., Los Angeles, CaliforniaMelissa Brickhouse-Thomas, LCSW, Manager, Victim Services, Glendale Police Dept., Glendale, ArizonaGabrielle Davis, JD, Legal and Policy Advisor, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, MinnesotaLoretta M. Frederick, JD, Senior Legal & Policy Director, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, MinnesotaAnna Harper-Guerrero, LMSW, Executive Vice President & Chief Strategy Officer, Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse, Tucson, ArizonaAmy Holtzworth-Munroe, PhD, Professor of Psychology, Dept. of Psychological & Brain Science, Indiana University, Bloomington, IndianaHilary A. Linton, JD, LLM, Mediator, President, Family Mediation Services (mediate393) Toronto, OntarioJan Maiden, JD, Family Law/Domestic Violence Attorney, Law Office of Jan Maiden, San Diego, CaliforniaWendy Million, City Magistrate, Tucson City Court Domestic Violence Court, Tucson, ArizonaCharles A. Sawchenko, MSW, Police Lieutenant (Ret), Delaware State Police, Dover, DelawareWilliam Spiller, Jr., JD, Family Lawyer and Minor’s Counsel, Law Offices of William Spiller, Jr., Los Angeles, CaliforniaNancy Ver Steegh, MSW, JD, Professor of Law, Mitchell Hamline School of Law, St. Paul, MinnesotaNeil Websdale, PhD, Director, Family Violence Center, Arizona State University, Tempe, ArizonaDavid Wexler, PhD, Director, Relationship Training Institute, San Diego, CaliforniaSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:40) - Dealing With Domestic Violence (03:27) - Meet Our Guests (05:24) - Impetus Behind DV Video Series (06:19) - Overall Objective (07:31) - Surprises (08:54) - Karen's Motivation (12:46) - Survivor vs. Victim (15:56) - Annette's Motivation (18:28) - Biggest Issues in Divorce & Co-Parenting (28:40) - Intimate Partner Violence vs. DV (30:50) - Coercive Control (33:20) - HCPs (40:19) - Last Words (41:58) - Coming Next Week: Part 2

Discover how to navigate hostile communications with high-conflict personalities using the BIFF method—Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. Learn why emotional responses can escalate disputes and the importance of composing yourself during tense interactions. Delve into the power of empathy in communication, and why avoiding unnecessary apologies can lead to more productive dialogues. Explore practical strategies to transform misunderstandings into constructive conversations, helping you manage conflict in everyday situations.

REBROADCASTThe challenge of being emotional creaturesDid you know that emotions are contagious? We like to think we are in complete control of our emotions, but lots of research shows that emotions are contagious and it’s how we handle our own emotions once we’re emotionally hooked.In this episode we’ll break down emotion contagion. If you’re a brain nerd like us, or you simply want to have a better understanding of human behavior and the impact of unmanaged emotions on others, you’ll enjoy this episode. Specifically, we’ll discuss:Can you get emotionally “hooked?” and “unhooked?”How exactly are emotions contagious? How does that work in our brains?Can emotions lead us to make bad decisions?How do High Conflict People deal with emotions?How do High Conflict People communicate differently using their emotions?Are emotions part of why we have such angry polarization today in families and in politics?What can we do to calm down emotionsLinks & Other NotesBOOKSBIFF for everyoneBIFF for Coparent CommunicationBIFF for WorkplaceCalming Upset People with EARON DEMAND COURSEThe Brain 101: For Lawyers & AnyoneWho Are High Conflict People?ARTICLESManaging EmotionsKeep the Conflict Small! (With Managed Emotions)Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:42) - Emotionally Hooked & Unhooked (05:22) - Getting Hooked (07:16) - Emotional Persuasion (13:13) - In the Brain (21:33) - Emotions Leading to Bad Decisions (24:48) - HCPs Dealing With Emotions (27:57) - Communicating with Emotions (29:23) - Polarization (34:40) - Calming Emotions (36:46) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: HCPs in Love

REBROADCASTFamily members (and friends) of someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD) are typically mystified about how to interact with them, walk on eggshells around them, and generally feel overwhelmed and defeated because they don’t know what to do.In this episode, Bill and Megan continue their discussion with BPD expert Amanda Smith, LCSW, founder of HopeforBPD.com. Amanda is a highly skilled BPD and Dialectical Behavior Therapy expert, having helped countless clients through their recovery. She’s helped family members learn the necessary skills for helping their loved one best while also taking care of themselves. Amanda also provides treatment consultation. She is the author of two books:The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness PlannerThe Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for FamiliesIn this episode – part 2 of 2 – Amanda gives hope and help to family members and friends of those with BPD. She discusses what to do and what to avoid. She will explain whether BPD is a hopeless situation with no resolution or whether something can be done to intervene – including whether an “intervention” can work.Links & Other NotesHopeforBPDThe Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness PlannerThe Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness PlannerOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:40) - The Family of Someone With BPD (02:43) - Avoiding Blame (05:34) - Helping When They Don't See the Problem (07:28) - When in a Marriage (09:22) - Couples Counseling (11:26) - Intervention? (13:50) - Calling It Out (15:18) - How to Approach It (17:03) - In High Conflict Divorces (20:42) - E A R Statements (22:18) - Medication (23:59) - Amanda's Book (26:50) - Wrapping Up (29:04) - Reminders

REBROADCASTWhen an HCP is a Narcissist...Do you know someone whose moods swing wildly? Do they act unreasonably suspicious or antagonistic? Do they blame others for their own problems? When a high conflict person (HCP) has one of five common personality disorders – borderline, narcissistic, paranoid, antisocial, or histrionic – they can lash out in risky extremes of emotion and aggression. And once an HCP decides to target you, they’re hard to shake.Most everyone has been around a narcissist, but not everyone understands how to handle a narcissistic HCP. Bill and Megan do a deep dive into this personality type, exploring:Their fear-based need to be superior and makes others feel inferiorThe differences between vulnerable, narcissistic and malignant typesWhy they see themselves as a hero and protector while those around them experience them as bulliesHow to spot themStatistics on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissistic HCPs in the U.SUnderstanding and dealing with Narcissistic HCPs come in layers, and understanding the why they behave that way is the first step.If you’ve been the Target of Blame for a narcissistic HCP, you know the devastating impact it can have. It’s easy to get emotionally hooked by their aggressive behaviors and respond with aggression or avoidance, which emboldens them. Instead, learning the necessary skills –that don’t always feel natural – is the ticket to managing interactions with them. The first step is to understand their behavior patterns, starting now.Send us your stories!We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the ‘Submit a Question’ button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.Please rate, review and share this show!Links & Other NotesBooks:BIFF at Work5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict PersonalitiesIt’s All Your Fault: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict PeopleAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books and some in audio format.Training:For attorneys: Dealing with Narcissistic Personalities: The Arrogant Players of DivorceThe Narcissistic Family Member: Prickly and SuperiorArticles:Do Narcissists Make Good Leaders in Business?Narcissism and Incivility: Is There a Connection?Narcissist in Your Family? 4 Tips for Dealing with ThemSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganYou can also find these show notes on our website as well. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:45) - Last Time... (02:10) - HCP Refresher (05:05) - The Narcissistic HCP (07:38) - Statistics (08:53) - Dealing With an Narcissistic HCP (09:57) - Sexual Abuse (10:21) - Genetic Component? (12:47) - Empathy Factor (14:57) - How They See Themselves (17:44) - Types of Narcissists (23:55) - Lack of Self-Awareness (26:06) - Treatment (28:59) - Dealing With a Narcissistic HCP in Your Life (32:26) - Getting Support (33:39) - Gender Breakdown (35:17) - Don't Tell Them They're an HCP (36:03) - Narcissists vs. Narcissistic HCPs (36:49) - Are HCPs bad people? (39:00) - Raising Healthy Kids (42:05) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Antisocial HCPs

REBROADCASTIn today’s episode, we look at what makes up a high conflict person and talk about EAR Statements.Blamers. Narcissists. Accusers. Ragers. These are all people who may fall into the category of High Conflict Personality. Most of us don’t act this way, but these people don’t often realize they’re acting this way and can’t control themselves. So should you engage? Or should you learn how to deal with them? If you guessed the latter, you’d be right.Many people say these people are unpredictable, but Megan and Bill talk about how these people actually are very predictable... if you know what to look for. Several things can lead to people becoming HCPs. It could be genetic or could come from how they were raised. And because of this, HCPs can exist anywhere in the world. So how do you deal with them?Well, the first step is learning to identify them. They will usually blame anyone but themselves, and they’ll never be able to connect the dots back to themselves. They rarely take responsibility for their own actions. But the feelings are so strongly in them that they can’t have their mind changed. Once you realize you’re dealing with an HCP, definitely don’t tell them they’re an HCP. It’s likely going to trigger them further.If you’re in a situation with an HCP, try an EAR Statement.Empathy. Attention Respect. These tools may seem opposite to how you’d normally deal with a person who is confronting you, but remember, you’re not an HCP. The HCP needs this so you can get out of the situation you’re in. It’s hard, but give it a try.We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the Submit a Question button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.Please rate, review and share this show!Links & Other NotesSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganArticle – ‘What is a High Conflict Individual’Article – ‘Calming Upset People Fast with an EAR Statement™’Online course for attorneys/judges – Understanding & Managing High Conflict People in Legal DisputesOnline course for anyone – Calming Upset People with an EAR StatementOnline Course: Who Are High Conflict People?Book: 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeBook: Calming Upset People with EARAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:41) - What is a High Conflict Person? (05:28) - Why and How are HCPs Different? (08:48) - Why Are They Like This and Why Don't They Change? (12:43) - Why They Blame (15:24) - How to Deal With HCPs (20:16) - Getting Hooked (24:09) - Breaking Down Megan's Story (27:44) - Using EAR Statements (32:13) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: BIFF Response

Personality disorders are widespread but not always seen as a mental disorder. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association indicates that over 10% of adults have such a disorder, based on studies from several countries.These are huge numbers, yet few people know much about personality disorders and many do not see them as a mental disorder. Information found online is often misleading. Ultimately, many people simply get angry with those with personality disorders, believing that they are just being difficult on purpose and can control their behavior. Likewise, judges generally do not consider them a factor in making legal decisions, because they are considered to know right from wrong. However, these views may be changing.In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss:what is considered a mental illness or disorderhow personality disorders are different from other types of mental illnesseswhether personality disorders are a form of mental illness at all, or something more normalthe link between personality disorders and important cases, including the Elizabeth Smart case and Unabomber casepersonality disorders receiving increased awareness in the courts, including an Australian case regarding borderline personality disorder and a California study indicating the presence of narcissistic personality disorder in family court casesLinks & Other NotesBOOKSHigh Conflict People in Legal DisputesManaging High Conflict People in CourtARTICLESPersonality Disorders Gaining Importance in Recent Legal CasesCompassion for People with Personality DisordersOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:10) - Personality Disorders and Mental Illness (02:43) - What Is a Mental Illness or Disorder? (06:04) - Personality Disorders (09:04) - How Legal Views It (11:01) - The Elizabeth Smart Case (13:40) - The Unabomber Case (17:34) - Medication vs. Skills (19:44) - The Brown Case (24:26) - Narcissistic Personalities in Courts (27:35) - Reminders & End of Season One Note

The discussion delves into how narcissists can charm their way into relationships while simultaneously sowing discord. It emphasizes their manipulative tactics and the toxic environments they create, leading to family and workplace rifts. The conversation touches on the importance of clear communication to combat their divisive nature and introduces the BIF method for handling tricky emails. Listeners learn about setting personal boundaries and the significance of focusing on well-being instead of labels when interacting with high-conflict individuals.