It’s All Your Fault: High Conflict People

REBROADCASTWhen an HCP is a Narcissist...Do you know someone whose moods swing wildly? Do they act unreasonably suspicious or antagonistic? Do they blame others for their own problems? When a high conflict person (HCP) has one of five common personality disorders – borderline, narcissistic, paranoid, antisocial, or histrionic – they can lash out in risky extremes of emotion and aggression. And once an HCP decides to target you, they’re hard to shake.Most everyone has been around a narcissist, but not everyone understands how to handle a narcissistic HCP. Bill and Megan do a deep dive into this personality type, exploring:Their fear-based need to be superior and makes others feel inferiorThe differences between vulnerable, narcissistic and malignant typesWhy they see themselves as a hero and protector while those around them experience them as bulliesHow to spot themStatistics on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissistic HCPs in the U.SUnderstanding and dealing with Narcissistic HCPs come in layers, and understanding the why they behave that way is the first step.If you’ve been the Target of Blame for a narcissistic HCP, you know the devastating impact it can have. It’s easy to get emotionally hooked by their aggressive behaviors and respond with aggression or avoidance, which emboldens them. Instead, learning the necessary skills –that don’t always feel natural – is the ticket to managing interactions with them. The first step is to understand their behavior patterns, starting now.Send us your stories!We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the ‘Submit a Question’ button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.Please rate, review and share this show!Links & Other NotesBooks:BIFF at Work5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict PersonalitiesIt’s All Your Fault: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict PeopleAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books and some in audio format.Training:For attorneys: Dealing with Narcissistic Personalities: The Arrogant Players of DivorceThe Narcissistic Family Member: Prickly and SuperiorArticles:Do Narcissists Make Good Leaders in Business?Narcissism and Incivility: Is There a Connection?Narcissist in Your Family? 4 Tips for Dealing with ThemSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganYou can also find these show notes on our website as well. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (02:44) - Last Time... (03:09) - HCP Refresher (06:05) - The Narcissistic HCP (08:37) - Statistics (09:53) - Dealing With an Narcissistic HCP (10:56) - Sexual Abuse (11:20) - Genetic Component? (13:46) - Empathy Factor (15:57) - How They See Themselves (18:44) - Types of Narcissists (24:55) - Lack of Self-Awareness (27:06) - Treatment (29:59) - Dealing With a Narcissistic HCP in Your Life (33:26) - Getting Support (34:39) - Gender Breakdown (36:17) - Don't Tell Them They're an HCP (37:03) - Narcissists vs. Narcissistic HCPs (37:48) - Are HCPs bad people? (39:59) - Raising Healthy Kids (43:05) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Antisocial HCPs Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!

REBROADCASTIn today’s episode, we look at what makes up a high conflict person and talk about EAR Statements.Blamers. Narcissists. Accusers. Ragers. These are all people who may fall into the category of High Conflict Personality. Most of us don’t act this way, but these people don’t often realize they’re acting this way and can’t control themselves. So should you engage? Or should you learn how to deal with them? If you guessed the latter, you’d be right.Many people say these people are unpredictable, but Megan and Bill talk about how these people actually are very predictable... if you know what to look for. Several things can lead to people becoming HCPs. It could be genetic or could come from how they were raised. And because of this, HCPs can exist anywhere in the world. So how do you deal with them?Well, the first step is learning to identify them. They will usually blame anyone but themselves, and they’ll never be able to connect the dots back to themselves. They rarely take responsibility for their own actions. But the feelings are so strongly in them that they can’t have their mind changed. Once you realize you’re dealing with an HCP, definitely don’t tell them they’re an HCP. It’s likely going to trigger them further.If you’re in a situation with an HCP, try an EAR Statement.Empathy. Attention Respect. These tools may seem opposite to how you’d normally deal with a person who is confronting you, but remember, you’re not an HCP. The HCP needs this so you can get out of the situation you’re in. It’s hard, but give it a try.We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the Submit a Question button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.Please rate, review and share this show!Links & Other NotesSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganArticle – ‘What is a High Conflict Individual’Article – ‘Calming Upset People Fast with an EAR Statement™’Online course for attorneys/judges – Understanding & Managing High Conflict People in Legal DisputesOnline course for anyone – Calming Upset People with an EAR StatementOnline Course: Who Are High Conflict People?Book: 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeBook: Calming Upset People with EARAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (02:40) - What is a High Conflict Person? (06:28) - Why and How are HCPs Different? (09:48) - Why Are They Like This and Why Don't They Change? (13:43) - Why They Blame (16:23) - How to Deal With HCPs (21:16) - Getting Hooked (25:08) - Breaking Down Megan's Story (28:44) - Using EAR Statements (33:13) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: BIFF Response Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!

Personality disorders are widespread but not always seen as a mental disorder. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association indicates that over 10% of adults have such a disorder, based on studies from several countries.These are huge numbers, yet few people know much about personality disorders and many do not see them as a mental disorder. Information found online is often misleading. Ultimately, many people simply get angry with those with personality disorders, believing that they are just being difficult on purpose and can control their behavior. Likewise, judges generally do not consider them a factor in making legal decisions, because they are considered to know right from wrong. However, these views may be changing.In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss:what is considered a mental illness or disorderhow personality disorders are different from other types of mental illnesseswhether personality disorders are a form of mental illness at all, or something more normalthe link between personality disorders and important cases, including the Elizabeth Smart case and Unabomber casepersonality disorders receiving increased awareness in the courts, including an Australian case regarding borderline personality disorder and a California study indicating the presence of narcissistic personality disorder in family court casesLinks & Other NotesBOOKSHigh Conflict People in Legal DisputesManaging High Conflict People in CourtARTICLESPersonality Disorders Gaining Importance in Recent Legal CasesCompassion for People with Personality DisordersOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (02:09) - Personality Disorders and Mental Illness (03:43) - What Is a Mental Illness or Disorder? (07:04) - Personality Disorders (10:03) - How Legal Views It (12:01) - The Elizabeth Smart Case (14:40) - The Unabomber Case (18:33) - Medication vs. Skills (20:44) - The Brown Case (25:26) - Narcissistic Personalities in Courts (28:34) - Reminders & End of Season One Note Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!

The discussion delves into how narcissists can charm their way into relationships while simultaneously sowing discord. It emphasizes their manipulative tactics and the toxic environments they create, leading to family and workplace rifts. The conversation touches on the importance of clear communication to combat their divisive nature and introduces the BIF method for handling tricky emails. Listeners learn about setting personal boundaries and the significance of focusing on well-being instead of labels when interacting with high-conflict individuals.

Discover the traits of high conflict personalities and ways to manage them through cognitive therapy techniques. Explore the transformative power of changing thoughts in extreme situations, with examples from survival TV shows and Nelson Mandela. Learn about navigating high-conflict tendencies with self-awareness and personal growth, and the importance of refraining from self-labeling as 'high conflict'.

Exploring the possibility of change in individuals with high conflict personalities, focusing on borderline personality disorder and treatment methods like cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavior therapy; developing empathy in high conflict people through role-playing exercises and a supportive environment; the importance of not diagnosing or labeling individuals; addressing the challenges faced by high conflict personalities and the need for time, repetition, and support for lasting change.

This Q &A Lab focuses on two questions about possible paranoid personality behaviors and high conflict behaviors, including:Combative, Aggressive, Violent, Blaming 19-year-old SonThe parent of 19-year-old with combative, aggressive, violent behaviors (including spitting on his parent) and demands that the parent admit abusing him as a young child. Bill and Megan will discuss:What can this parent do when the son becomes infuriated when the parent won’t admit to the false allegation that he/she was an abusive parent?How can the parent establish boundaries with the son related to money and other assistance when being bullied?Conspiracy-minded, Blaming TeammateA member of a team has to deal with a blaming, accusing teammate who seemed to be paranoid and consistently dismissive and rude. Bill and Megan will answer whether this person could possible have a paranoid personality and/or a high conflict personality.Links & Other NotesBOOKSIt’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeCOURSEWho are High Conflict People?Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:28) - Q&A Lab (02:18) - Question One (15:35) - Question Two (24:58) - BIFF Responses Seen as Defensiveness? (27:42) - Paranoia vs. Paranoid Personality Disorder (31:59) - Children With a Paranoid Parent (33:43) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Can HCIs Change? Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!

In 2021, we noticed a new book that was gaining a lot of attention—titled High Conflict. Of course a book with that title grabbed our immediate attention and piqued our curiosity, as high conflict is what we think about all day every day. After reaching out to the author, Amanda Ripley, we were quickly intrigued by her research and perspective and have since spent time getting to know each other’s work.We are enormously pleased that Amanda has agreed to come on our show and happy to introduce her to listeners who haven’t yet heard about her. She is a New York Times best-selling author and investigative journalist. She started her journalism career covering courts and crime for Washington City Paper. She then spent 10 years working for Time Magazine in New York, Washington and Paris. Currently, Amanda lives in Washington, D.C., with her family. To discuss her writing, Amanda has appeared on ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, FOX News and NPR. She has spoken at the Pentagon, the Senate, the House of Representatives, the State Department and the Department of Homeland Security, as well as conferences on leadership, conflict resolution and education.In this episode, Bill will discuss “high conflict” with Amanda, including:“macro” view of high conflict: mostly large groups and political conflicts (city council, gangs, rebels in Colombia), and “micro” view of interpersonal high conflict (divorce, workplace, legal disputes)how to get out of high conflict situations and how to avoid them, and how to deal with high conflict if you can’t totally get out, such as co-parents, workplace bullies, and legal entanglementswhat it takes to reduce high conflict behavior and the need to get people to talk more and judge each other lessteaching journalists to ask more questions for depth beneath the conflict and to use the phrase both Bill and Amanda both love to use: “Tell me more!”Links & Other NotesWEBSITEAmanda’s websiteBOOKSAmanda’s book High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get OutARTICLESIn Harvard Business Review: How to Work with Someone Who Creates Unnecessary ConflictOn CBS News: Book excerpt: “High Conflict,” when life becomes “us vs. them”Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (02:29) - Meet Amanda Ripley (07:38) - Defining High Conflict (12:04) - The Reasons We Get Trapped (13:13) - Conflict Entrepreneurs (15:31) - Strategies for Getting Out of High Conflict (22:25) - Spending Time with HCIs (23:12) - Tell Me More (25:41) - Complicating the Narrative (29:17) - What She's Teaching to Journalists (31:22) - Polarization (35:18) - Wrapping Up (36:08) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Q&A Lab Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!

To tell or not to tell. That is a question on the minds of many who deal with high conflict situations. In a court situation, is it is a good idea to tell the judge that the other person is high conflict or has a personality disorder, whether diagnosed or suspected? The same goes in the workplace. Should HR be told? And the same question applies in any setting, such as the education environment, in mediation or even in families.It’s tempting to want to tell everyone what you suspect you’re dealing with, but will it help or hurt your case or situation? Will it backfire?Megan and Bill answer this vital question in this week’s episode. It’s a big issue that can impact outcomes whether in a legal case, in your job or in your family.Links & Other NotesBOOKSProtecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality DisorderHigh Conflict People in Legal DisputesAUDIOEducating the Court About High-Conflict PersonalitiesOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (02:41) - To Tell or Not to Tell (06:44) - What About Formal Diagnoses? (09:07) - Concerning Patterns of Behavior (15:02) - What About Therapists and Lawyers? (19:10) - What About When Not Divorcing? (21:06) - How to Deal With It When You're the One Who's Told (28:19) - What If It's Your Family Member? (35:15) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Amanda Ripley Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!

Throughout the pandemic, which we’ve now been in for a little over two years, the fight has been “on” in the education world. Education – especially public education – has always been at the crossroads of many social and cultural changes, from bussing students across town, to benchmark academic standards for school funding, to which books are approved for teaching classes.Then with Covid, the conflict flame grew even brighter as parents, schools, unions, and more fought over – and continue to fight – over masks, vaccinations, virtual classes, school shutdowns, gender issues, parent rights, Zoom classes, and more. Conflict abounds.Bill and Megan speak with Sandra Just, MEd, founder of Just Look Within Coaching and Consulting. Sandra is an educator with 30+ years’ experience in public education as a teacher, administrator, and HR director. She discusses the current state of education, given the many issues that everyone involved in the system are faced with, including:How teachers cope and what keeps them goingConflicts with parents over setting reasonable limits in classSchool bullying and how, or whether, it can be dealt with effectivelyManaging school board meetingsConflict resolution training for teachers and administratorsListen in as Bill and Megan talk with Sandra about school. As Sandra says, “We’re great at helping kids, but maybe we’re not so great at helping the adults in education.”About Sandra JustSandra Just is the Founder and Principal of Just Look Within Coaching and Consulting. Sandra spent 31 years as an educator in the Denver Public Schools. During her time in DPS, she served as a teacher, counselor, performance management advisor, school leader, and interim regional assistant superintendent. She is known for developing her staff into leaders, supporting students to meet their goals, and creating a strong school culture. Sandra currently serves as a mentor for students in the para to teacher pipeline at the University of Northern Colorado Center for Urban Education. She also consults with School Works, as needed. Sandra earned her certificate as an Executive Coach in 2021 and is currently working toward Board Certification.Sandra enjoys spending time with family and friends. She volunteers with the Rocky Mountain Down Syndrome Association.Links & Other NotesGUEST LINKSSandra’s Website Just Look WithinFollow Sandra on LinkedInBOOKS & AUDIOManaging High Conflict People in Higher EducationBIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict PeopleCalming Upset People with EARCONFLICT INFLUENCER CERTIFICATION COURSEARTICLESEAR Statement Can Calm AnyoneOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:27) - Sandra Just (04:19) - How Are Teachers Coping? (07:41) - How Are Teachers Responding? (08:37) - Physical Threats (10:28) - Percent of Parents With Issues (14:46) - Connecting to Calm (18:45) - Emotions Are Contagious (19:41) - Bullying (23:59) - Parents' Role as It Relates to Bullying (27:47) - Dealing With School Board Meetings (32:27) - Conflict Resolution Training (35:09) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Revealing Someone's High Conflict Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!