Conversations with Dr. Jennifer

Triangulation in relationships is discussed in this podcast, exploring how it brings stability but can also be unhealthy. The negative impact of triangulation on children and marriages is explored, along with the roles parents can take on in triangulated relationships. The podcast also delves into recognizing and addressing anxieties in children, dysfunctional relationship dynamics, the effects of triangulation on sexual experiences and relationships, and the impact of psychological enmeshment on intimacy and desire.

When a marriage crumbles, we see a life we once hoped for crumble along with it.   It’s a crisis in every sense. And crises hurt. They are disorganizing and challenge our sense of who we are. But, as painful as crisis is, we can use it to grow. When our current understanding of ourselves or others crumbles, we can use the pain to grow into more wisdom and a more solid self. In this NEW podcast episode [“Differentiation and Divorce”], Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Hyo North of the Leading With Grace podcast to talk about how differentiation can help those working through the complexities of separation or divorce navigate forward with wisdom and maturity. Listen to the full episode to learn more about: * Separation and divorce * Collusive alliances and how they keep us stuck  * Differentiation as it relates to divorce * Forgiveness   * Forging capacity in the face of crisis 

It’s one thing to learn about differentiation and emotional maturity, but it’s another thing entirely to actually live it.  Stepping into the deep anxiety and uncertainty of defining a self that others may not validate is a terrifying prospect, but it’s what must be done for people and relationships to evolve and grow.  In this NEW podcast episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Rhonda Farr to talk through two listener questions about desire dynamics and how to navigate the painful reality of having a spouse who is not interested in creating a better sexual relationship.  During this episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife expertly models how the higher desire partner can maturely handle themselves in difficult and productive conversations about sexuality. Listen to the full episode to learn more about: -Desire Dynamics -Duty Sex -Differentiation -Emotional and Sexual Maturity  If you found this episode helpful, consider enrolling in Dr. Finlayson-Fife’s Enhancing Sexual Intimacy Course. This course was designed to help couples better understand and navigate the challenges in their intimate relationship. 

When being true to ourselves jeopardizes belonging to our group, it can be tempting to live falsely in an attempt to keep others happy with us. Yet we cannot be at peace when we chronically mask who we really are. All of us are caught in some amount of tension between who we are and the expectations imposed upon us by our social groups. But those who are sexually diverse can face a much larger disparity between group norms and their personal reality, which can present unique and painful challenges. In this NEW podcast episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Sadi Rogers of Lift + Love to discuss the unique challenges faced by LGBTQ+ Latter-day Saints and the opportunity in the struggle to forge deeper self-acceptance and sustaining inner strength. Listen to the full episode to learn more about: Healthy ways to address the discrepancy between societal norms and divergent realities  Finding peace in painful circumstances  How love is the pathway to truth How to communicate effectively with those who believe differently  Stages of spiritual development  Navigating mixed-orientation marriages  Grief and loss as inherent to life  The silver lining that comes from not fitting the mold of a group 

Zack and Kelly’s marriage has been a relatively untroubled one. That is until last year, when Zack disclosed to Kelly that he had been viewing pornography off and on since childhood. Kelly’s distress from the disclosure came not so much because Zack had been viewing porn, but because he had managed to keep this from her despite her having asked him explicitly about it over the years. Learning that he was capable of deceiving her in this way was completely and understandably disorganizing for Kelly. A year into it, they now see clearly that their previously cordial relationship was actually the result of a lot of validation-seeking, masking, and caretaking. Their relationship post-disclosure has been much more tumultuous–with higher highs and lower lows than they could have previously imagined. In this episode of Room for Two, Dr. Finlayson-Fife works with Zack and Kelly to get a better understanding of their history and helps them see how their upbringing has impacted their past and current marital dynamic. Be sure to subscribe to Room for Two TODAY to listen to the full episode! 

Intimacy is difficult. Most of us have no problem sharing a curated version of ourselves with our spouse—carefully selected parts that we know will be accepted, valued, and appreciated. But real intimacy requires much more than that. Real intimacy means we share the not-so-loveable parts of ourselves– all the good along with the flaws and imperfections.  Marriage is a remarkable, growth-promoting commitment—because who we are, including our limited ability to love another, is reflected back to us through our spouse. And this isn’t usually comfortable. But, when we stay open to the truths that our marriage exposes, we can expand our capacity to love as well as our ability to be open and intimate with another.   In this NEW podcast episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz of the Stronger Marriage Connection podcast to discuss how couples can work through conflict and develop a greater capacity for both sexual and emotional intimacy.  Listen to the full episode to learn more about: -Reframing the way you think about marital conflict -Working through sexual desire differences  -The important distinction between seeking love and being loving -Important findings from Dr. Finlayson-Fife’s dissertation research -Perfectionism  -The connection between truth and joy -Important keys to creating a stronger marital connection

Has your relationship lost its spark? When we take ourselves too seriously, we can snuff out the playful eros energy that keeps relationships vibrant and alive.  After all, the happiest marriages thrive, rather than just survive. They are joyful because each person feels free to fully be themselves—without the need to pretend or contort themselves to earn approval.  Making room for two people to be true to themselves and the relationship is where the real magic happens.  I recently met with Dr. Jerry and Tammie Duggar of the Simple 7 Lifestyle Podcast to discuss how couples can find more happiness and a deeper sense of freedom in their relationships, and how the quality of our relationships impacts both our mental and physical health. Listen to the full episode to learn more about: Honesty  Conflict Self-Trust Anxiety Tolerance  Eros Energy and its relationship to relational joy ** Click HERE to learn more about Dr. Finlayson-Fife's Enhancing Sexual Intimacy course!**

It’s very tempting to look to others to tell us how to live–to gauge our success by how well we live up to others’ expectations and to measure our value by the approval of others.  There is a time for thinking this way; it’s how we all start out—dependent on others to tell us how to live. But, if we want to mature and grow into greater personal responsibility and wisdom, we must be willing to author our own lives.  It’s what maturity requires. It means having the courage to take our own ideas and the ideas of others and really evaluate them. To determine for ourselves if ideas are good and truthful, and then to align our choices with what we ourselves genuinely believe is best.  Forging a deeper internal reference is critical if we want to be at peace with ourselves and if we want to be capable of intimacy, of letting someone truly know who we are. I recently joined Oliver and Lindsey of the Singled In Podcast for a conversation about the exceptional power of choice and its relationship to self-authoring, especially as it relates to being at peace with our sexuality. Listen to the full episode to learn more about: -Shifting from an external to an internal moral compass - Psychological maturation -Self-authoring and self-determination   -The power of CHOICE    -How relationships pressure growth   -Sexual integration for singles 

I am heartbroken to share with you on this Mother’s Day that recently my mom was diagnosed with a serious illness. An illness that will take her from us sooner than any of us had expected. Sherrae Phelps and I recorded this podcast episode last year, long before my mom’s diagnosis. The plan was always to publish the episode for Mother’s Day, but it feels particularly poignant to be releasing it now, in light of this diagnosis–to be celebrating my mother’s impact on me as I confront the reality of losing her. I am so grateful for my kind-hearted and generous mother. When I was young, it seemed to me that my mom had less influence than my dad (he was a professor, a church leader, and had a more dominant voice in our family). But, over time, I have come to see and appreciate just how influential my mom has been—not only in my life but in the lives of countless others.  My mom has the tremendous gift of being able to see the good in others. She genuinely cares about people and easily celebrates them for who they are, however divergent their backgrounds and beliefs may be. Throughout my childhood, my mom would welcome those who were in need of friendship or support into her life. It wasn’t uncommon for us to have visitors staying at our house or sitting around our dinner table. Caring for others comes easily to my mom—the genuine friendship and acceptance that she offers has blessed the lives of so many. Because of my mom’s ability to see the good in others, it has always been clear to me and to each of my seven siblings that we are cherished by her. She relates to us as gifts in her life and believes that we are inherently worthy (even when we have been sure she was mistaken). She never tried to turn us into anything different than who we were—she didn’t pressure us to be people who would make her proud. She was already proud of us, just for being hers. Having a parent value me so unequivocally fostered a belief in myself early on. Through the way that she has lived, she has taught me to care for others and to trust in a God who loves and accepts me, even when others may not. Although an unassuming person, my mom has always been determined to create a meaningful life. Consistent with her focus on the Good, she’s an optimist, one who looks towards possibilities. For example, in her seventies, she started a raw vegan snack food business; at age 89, she signed up for ballroom dance classes–even though doing so terrified her–and she has danced nearly every day since. Lately, she has been focused on improving her German and studies it regularly. She is always trying to expand her life. And even in the face of a devastating diagnosis, Mom has remained hopeful and resolved to live every remaining moment wholeheartedly and without despair. The truth is, my behind-the-scenes mother has had a tremendous positive impact on the world. She has spread her influence by living wisely and through her honest care for others. This disposition has been supported by her faith which has asked her to love others and to live hopefully.   At ninety years old, she is a woman full of life and genuine beauty–she exemplifies feminine radiance and intuitive wisdom. Her life has demonstrated that the power of love, humility, and grace can make the world a better place. I am so grateful for her–grateful for her influence on me and on others. Grateful that she is who she is, and that she has shown up in her life the way that she has. She has given me so much.  Thank you, Mom. I love you so very much.

**Click HERE to subscribe to Dr. Finlayson-Fife's Room for Two podcast!** The challenges in your sexual relationship can offer a glimpse into the unhealthy dynamics playing out in your life and marriage. Understanding and addressing your role in these difficult interactions will help you create an intimate relationship that can be a place of solace for both parties—where each partner feels desired, valued, and cared for. 

In this new podcast episode, I join Melissa of the Family Brand podcast to discuss our ability to find fulfillment in sexual relationships and how couples can overcome common roadblocks that interfere with desire, passion, and connection.  

Listen to the full episode to learn more about:      •    Meanings that interfere with desire and sexual connection     •    Becoming more capable of desire and connection in marriage     •    Navigating intimacy during every phase of marriage—from newlywed to empty nest     •    Balancing our need for autonomy with our need for connection (making room for two in marriage)     •    Self-authoring and its relationship to desire      •    Increasing eroticism and connection with our partners