Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

If you've ever asked your child to do something—only to be met with silence, eye-rolls, or outright refusal—this episode is for you. Justin and Kylie dive into five surprising reasons why kids ignore us and share five powerful strategies to help them want to listen. With equal parts insight and humour, this episode offers real-world parenting advice that makes connection—not control—the goal. KEY POINTS: Kids often don’t listen because they don’t care about the task or see it as relevant to them. Developmentally, children are egocentric and lack adult-level perspective. Parents often forget to get their child’s attention before making a request. Screentime, distractions, and habits of non-compliance can reduce responsiveness. Being fun, patient, and involved can transform how children respond. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“Be the kind of person your kids want to pay attention to.” RESOURCES: Happy Families Membership – happyfamilies.com.au How to Get Your Kids to Really Listen [PDF download] ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Get your child’s attention before speaking—use touch, eye contact, and a calm tone. Be involved—where possible, do the task together rather than directing from afar. Use gentle reminders and accountability instead of repeating or yelling. Be patient—allow time between request and response before following up. Make it fun—add humour, creativity, and playfulness to your interactions to boost connection. Find us on Facebook Subscribe to the Happy Families newsletterSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Should we be making our children apologise when they do the wrong thing? What does a sincere apology look like? In this episode: Parental Guidance (S1): “Forcing children to apologise is teaching children to lie” Victim mentality People pleasing Ruptured relationships The Parenting Revolution, by Dr Justin Coulson Motivation Continuum - extrinsic, introjected, identified, integrated, intrinsic Is It Wrong to Tell Kids to Apologize? | The Atlantic Theory of Mind Why do children apologise under coercion? Feeling seen, heard, and valued Repairing relationships Why don't kids want to apologise? 4 components of a sincere apology Related links:  Should we Force our Children to Say 'Sorry' Carrots & Sticks: How Rewards and Punishments Hurt Our Kids, and What to do Instead [Webinar] Doors are now open to the Happy Families Membership  NEW weekly kids’ ‘Print & Play’ subscription FELT (Fostering Emotional Learning Together) Find us on Facebook or TikTok Subscribe to the Happy Families newsletterSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Is self-control something you're born with—or something you can teach your kids, starting today? Psychologist and bestselling author Ethan Kross takes us into the science of the inner voice, revealing how our thoughts shape our behaviour—and how we can shape our thoughts. From powerful tools that help children talk to themselves like a friend to simple mindset shifts that build long-term resilience, this conversation is packed with practical wisdom for raising emotionally intelligent, self-regulated kids. KEY POINTS: Self-control is a skill that can be taught and strengthened. The inner voice is a powerful tool in navigating emotions and decision-making. Kids benefit from learning how to create psychological distance during challenges. Techniques like mental time travel and third-person self-talk are effective at all ages. Parents have a unique opportunity to guide how children learn to speak to themselves. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“We’re not born with self-control; we learn it. And the tools we use to manage our mind are like muscles—we can train them.” KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS: Help your child shift perspective by asking, “What would you say to a friend?” Build emotional resilience by teaching kids to recall times they’ve overcome obstacles. Model calm and constructive self-talk in your own moments of stress—kids are watching. Introduce the idea of an “inner coach” who can guide them through tough situations. RESOURCES MENTIONED: Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It by Ethan Kross University of Michigan’s Emotion & Self-Control Lab Techniques such as self-distancing, visualisation, and reflective self-talk ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Be intentional with your own self-talk—your children are learning from you. Use playful, imaginative language to teach kids how to create emotional distance. Encourage children to reflect on past successes to fuel future confidence. Practice third-person self-talk together to turn overwhelming moments into teachable ones. Keep emotional regulation tools simple, visual, and consistent. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Could the way we celebrate kids at school actually be leaving many of them behind? In this episode, Dr. Justin and Kylie Coulson unpack the hidden costs of awards, assemblies, and school trips. From motivation to mental health, they explore how traditional recognition systems can impact children—and what we can do instead to help every child feel seen, supported, and valued. KEY POINTS: Awards ceremonies often benefit the same high achievers, leaving many students feeling invisible or unworthy. External rewards can reduce intrinsic motivation, especially in areas of creativity, effort, and behaviour. Assemblies can either unite a community or create anxiety and disconnection, depending on how they're run. Away days and camps offer valuable opportunities for growth—but need to be inclusive and purposeful. Children thrive when they feel seen, valued, and part of something bigger than themselves. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“Kids don’t need a trophy to know they matter. They need connection, encouragement, and a belief that they belong.” KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS: Praise effort and process, not just outcomes. Be cautious about over-relying on rewards—consider what motivates your child from within. Talk with your child about how school events make them feel—do they feel recognised and included? Encourage educators to focus on connection and belonging in school-wide activities. RESOURCES MENTIONED: Deci & Ryan’s research on Self-Determination Theory Studies on rewards and motivation from Alfie Kohn and Carol Dweck Justin Coulson’s book 10 Things Every Parent Needs to Know ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Ask your child how they feel during awards assemblies—validate their emotions. Focus your praise on effort, character, and perseverance rather than outcomes. Advocate for inclusive school events that celebrate all students, not just a few. If your child misses out on recognition, remind them of their value through connection and encouragement. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Justin and Kylie dive into startling new data showing the positive effects of mobile phone bans in Australian schools. They explore statistics that reveal significant improvements in student learning, behaviour, and classroom engagement and reflect on the broader implications for parenting and screen time at home. KEY POINTS: The mobile phone ban in schools has led to 87% of students being less distracted 81% reporting improved learning 63% drop in critical incidents involving social media 54% reduction in behavioural issues Government intervention in screen and phone use is proving effective. Removing screens from classrooms and delaying smartphone access at home are strongly recommended. Analogue tools outperform digital ones in fostering better learning outcomes. Data from vaping bans also support the case for limiting access to harmful digital content. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“Kids don't need smartphones. They need smart parents, and smart parents give their kids dumb phones.” – Dr. Justin Coulson KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS: Delaying your child's access to smartphones helps them focus, learn, and behave better. School phone bans are effective, but more impact can be made at home and in broader digital habits. Parents shouldn't rely on children to self-regulate in an adult digital world—protection and guidance are necessary. Government restrictions, while imperfect, are valuable in safeguarding children. RESOURCES: Unplug Childhood [Join the village!] Kids Need Smart Parents, Not Smart Phones [Article] ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Delay giving children smartphones as long as possible—opt for dumb phones with basic functionality. Set boundaries around screen use at home, especially for social media and unsupervised access. Support analogue learning tools at home and advocate for them in schools. Stay informed about government policies that affect your child’s digital environment. Have open conversations with your child about the purpose and risks of digital devices. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Can self-control be taught? In this episode, Justin and Kylie explore the science of self-regulation and how parents can help their kids—and themselves—build better habits. Drawing on an insightful interview with Professor Ethan Kross, author of Chatter, the conversation highlights strategies for boosting motivation, building emotional resilience, and taking control in those tricky moments where willpower fails. KEY POINTS: Self-control is not an innate trait—it's a skill that can be learned and strengthened. Motivation plays a crucial role in our capacity for self-control. External factors like being hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or stressed (HALTS) reduce our ability to regulate ourselves. Self-distancing, including the “Batman Effect,” can help children and adults manage strong emotions and make better decisions. People who appear to have strong self-control often just design their environments to avoid temptation. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“People who seem to have the most self-control often set up their environments in such a way that they don’t need to exercise it at all.” KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS: Teaching kids self-control starts with helping them understand triggers and setting up supportive environments. Self-control can be undermined by stress and unmet needs—parents should be compassionate, not critical. The “Batman Effect” (asking “What would Batman do?”) helps kids take a step back from their impulses and act with intention. Modelling healthy responses and acknowledging your own challenges shows kids that emotional regulation is a lifelong practice. RESOURCES MENTIONED: Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It by Ethan Kross HALTS acronym (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Stressed) Ethan Kross’s full interview (to be aired Saturday) happyfamilies.com.au ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Teach kids about HALTS—help them recognise when their emotional state is affecting behaviour. Use the “Batman Effect” or similar strategies to encourage self-distancing during challenging moments. Model self-control by setting up environments that reduce temptation (e.g., not keeping junk food at home). Have regular conversations about motivation and how it supports goals and values. Tune in to the full interview with Ethan Kross for deeper insights and practical tools. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Justin and Kylie respond to a heartfelt question from a mum who’s at her wit’s end with her highly creative—but very destructive—three-year-old. From nail polish on couches to crayon art on every surface, they explore what’s developmentally normal, why punishment may backfire, and how parents can redirect energy with connection, supervision, and playful problem-solving. KEY POINTS: Destructive behaviour in young children is often a sign of creativity and a desire to explore. Supervision and engagement are key to reducing mischief. Each child is different; parenting approaches should adapt to each child’s needs and the family’s season of life. Redirection and empathy are more effective than blame and punishment. Quality time and creating opportunities for appropriate creative expression can help children feel seen and understood. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“Kids don’t lie the way adults do—they tell us what they wish the truth was.” KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS: Your child is not bad. They’re curious, creative, and still learning. Meet big messes with calm, not shame. Use redirection to teach without damaging trust. Invite cooperation by focusing on problem-solving together rather than punishment. Blaming doesn’t teach responsibility—connection does. RESOURCES MENTIONED: I’ll Do Better Tomorrow, I Promise by Maurine Reynolds Adamek “Lessons Learned” Substack by Beck Delahoy—Blame and Shame Doesn’t Solve Anything ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Create safe, designated spaces for creative play—paper, washable markers, etc. Increase supervision during high-risk moments (e.g., when things go quiet!). Spend intentional quality time daily, even in short bursts. Use imaginative redirection—like the “wicked mouse” approach—to encourage responsibility without shame. Clean up with your child, not as punishment, but as a shared problem-solving opportunity. Reflect on whether expectations are realistic for your child’s developmental stage. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Justin and Kylie dive into two powerful reads—Mel Robbins' The Let Them Theory and Sarah Wynn-Williams’ explosive memoir Careless People: A Cautionary Tale of Power, Greed, and Lost Idealism. While Kylie champions the liberating message of letting go of control, Justin offers a scathing but thoughtful critique of Facebook's inner workings, as revealed in Wynn-Williams' book. Together, they unpack how these ideas relate to parenting and the digital world our children are growing up in. KEY POINTS: The Let Them Theory emphasises personal boundaries and not needing to fix or control others. Careless People reveals shocking behind-the-scenes practices at Facebook, particularly how the platform targets emotionally vulnerable teenagers for advertising. The tech industry's influence extends to global politics, youth mental health, and everyday family life. Memoirs can be a powerful vehicle for truth, shedding light on corporate irresponsibility. Parents need to be alert to the digital environments their children inhabit. ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Talk to your children about how social media works—especially how it might exploit their emotions. Consider setting digital boundaries in your home, including times for device-free connection. Read Careless People to better understand the systems shaping your family’s digital life. Practice the “let them” mindset by releasing control over things that don’t require your intervention. Stay informed—knowledge is power when it comes to parenting in a digital world. The Let Them Theory' by Mel Robbins. Careless People: A Cautionary Tale of Power, Greed, and Lost Idealism by Sarah Wynn-Williams. Listen to Honestly With Bari Weiss - Meet Sarah Wynn-Williams, Facebook’s Highest-Ranking Whistleblower Send your comments and questions to podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au Find more resources to make your family happier at the Happy Families website.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

[R] Australia's most decorated Olympian, Emma McKeon, shares intimate insights about her journey from young swimmer to Olympic champion, revealing the crucial role her parents played in fostering success without pressure. Her story provides a masterclass in supporting children's sporting endeavors while maintaining joy and balance. Key Points: The importance of enjoyment over achievement in youth sports How parental support without pressure builds self-determination Managing early-morning training and self-motivation Balancing multiple activities during teenage years Transforming competition anxiety into positive energy Quote of the Episode: "They never pressured me either way to swim or not to swim... They just wanted me to enjoy what I was doing and be happy in what I was doing, find something I was passionate about." Key Insights: Success comes from internal motivation, not external pressure The value of maintaining multiple interests and activities How to handle failure and setbacks constructively The importance of supporting children "no matter what" Why enjoyment must precede excellence Personal Stories Shared: Missing the 2012 London Olympics by 0.1 seconds Early morning training experiences Having her father as both parent and coach Balancing swimming with other activities Resources Mentioned: Self-Determination Theory Research on youth sports participation Multi-sport participation benefits Action Steps for Parents: Focus on enjoyment before achievement Allow children to set their own goals Support multiple activities and interests Help reframe anxiety as excitement Maintain unconditional support regardless of performance  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In this episode of the Happy Families podcast, Justin and Kylie Coulson reflect on the challenges of parenting, from managing big emotions to keeping the household running smoothly. They discuss the importance of family meetings, handling difficult conversations with kids, and creative ways to encourage household contributions. KEY POINTS: Navigating difficult emotional conversations with children. The power of apologizing and reconnecting after conflict. Establishing family meetings for better communication and teamwork. Encouraging kids to contribute to the household with fun, creative chore names. The importance of consistency in family meetings and accountability.   QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:"The hardest thing as a parent is sitting in a place when your child is having big emotions that generally speaking, are pointed directly at you." – Kylie Coulson   RESOURCES MENTIONED: Happy Families website ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Practice active listening when your child shares their emotions. If you mishandle a situation, revisit it later and apologize if needed. Introduce family meetings with a simple format: What's working? What's not? What can we improve? Make chores more appealing by adding fun names or gamifying the process. Stay consistent with family discussions and follow-ups to build trust and accountability. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.