#1225 - Self Control Can Be A Learned Behaviour With Ethan Kross

Is self-control something you're born with—or something you can teach your kids, starting today? Psychologist and bestselling author Ethan Kross takes us into the science of the inner voice, revealing how our thoughts shape our behaviour—and how we can shape our thoughts. From powerful tools that help children talk to themselves like a friend to simple mindset shifts that build long-term resilience, this conversation is packed with practical wisdom for raising emotionally intelligent, self-regulated kids.

KEY POINTS:

• Self-control is a skill that can be taught and strengthened.

• The inner voice is a powerful tool in navigating emotions and decision-making.

• Kids benefit from learning how to create psychological distance during challenges.

• Techniques like mental time travel and third-person self-talk are effective at all ages.

• Parents have a unique opportunity to guide how children learn to speak to themselves.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
“We’re not born with self-control; we learn it. And the tools we use to manage our mind are like muscles—we can train them.”

KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS:

• Help your child shift perspective by asking, “What would you say to a friend?”

• Build emotional resilience by teaching kids to recall times they’ve overcome obstacles.

• Model calm and constructive self-talk in your own moments of stress—kids are watching.

• Introduce the idea of an “inner coach” who can guide them through tough situations.

RESOURCES MENTIONED:

• Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It by Ethan Kross

• University of Michigan’s Emotion & Self-Control Lab

• Techniques such as self-distancing, visualisation, and reflective self-talk

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:

1. Be intentional with your own self-talk—your children are learning from you.

2. Use playful, imaginative language to teach kids how to create emotional distance.

3. Encourage children to reflect on past successes to fuel future confidence.

4. Practice third-person self-talk together to turn overwhelming moments into teachable ones.

5. Keep emotional regulation tools simple, visual, and consistent.

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