Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

GUEST: DR. SUSAN HEITLER Susan Heitler PhD is a Denver clinical psychologist and widely-read author. Educated at Harvard and NYU, Susan Heitler offers self-help information for individuals and for couples. Dr. Heitler also writes for therapists, offering new understandings and treatments for anxiety, anger, depression, narcissism, and relationship challenges. Dr. Heitler's web-page provides an overview with links to 40+ years of books. blog posts, articles, podcasts, videos, webinars, online marriage education program, and more. Dr. Susan Heitler has earned a national and international reputation as one of America's leading psychologists. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) DEPRESSION: "What triggers depression is feeling powerless and giving up on something you want." by Dr. Susan Heitler Emotions get manifested in the body by physical changes. What triggers emotion is important. Depression is a disorder of power. There is a continuum of depression (going from being down or blue to having little ability to function and having suicidal ideation). Get help if you or your partner are experiencing severe depression through the way of a therapist and psychiatrist. BUMP MODEL: Challenges in life are the bumps in the road. How you respond to the bump in the road helps determine what you experience going forward. 3 P'S PRESCRIPTION FOR DEALING WITH DEPRESSION: Pinpoint. Figure out the trigger. What is the bump in the road? Pump up. Take a deep breath. Take a power pose. Imagine yourself getting bigger and taller. Problem solve. Think of solutions from a much more empowered position. TWO QUESTIONS TO TEST FOR DEPRESSION: After pinpointing the issue, ask yourself "Do you feel small compared to the other person or other thing involved?" Are you engaging in the negative cognitive triad (thinking negatively about self, others, and the future)? HOW COUPLES CAN DEAL WITH DEPRESSION: Share concerns. Listen to concerns. Aim for win/win solutions. ENJOY ANTIDOTES FOR DEPRESSION TOGETHER: Sunshine. Music. Nature. Activity. HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR PARTNER'S BAD MOOD: If you want to help your partner, don't assume what they need. Ask. Ask your partner "What helps and what doesn't help?" If your partner is in a negative space, you may want to go do a separate activity to create some space (where you can experience positivity). Then, maybe your partner can join your positive mood, rather than you joining your partner's negative mood. Don't take your partner's irritability and anger. Create safety together for talking about what is going on. Engaging in a relationship well requires maturity and skill. MENTIONED: Lift Depression With These 3 Prescriptions- Without-Pills | Susan Heitler | TEDxWilmington (Video) Prescriptions Without Pills (Website) 5 Realities About Depression That Make It Highly Contagious, by Dr. Susan Heitler (Article) Therapy Help (Website) The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong and Loving Marriage (Book) The Power of Two Workbook: Communication Skills for a Strong & Loving Marriage (Book) Prescriptions Without Pills: For Relief from Depression, Anger, Anxiety, and More (Book) Conflict Resolution for Couples (Podcast episode) Depression: A Disorder of Power (Podcast episode) Dr. Susan Heitler on Psychology Today (Webpage) Power of Two (Website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

PART-ONE RECAP: In episode 167, part one, we explored the human tendency to focus on what our partner is doing that isn't working or is problematic. While this is a natural tendency, we are overlooking the ways in which we might be contributing to the pattern of disconnect. How often do we ask the question, "How lovable am I being right now?" Easier said than done. There are many things that get in the way of acting in ways that set-up a positive cycle of loving interactions. In episode 167, we also talked about the various ways that people define a "successful relationship." Be sure to check out the episode to learn more. The first two tips of How To Be More Lovable in Relationship: 1. Be kind 2. Show vulnerability and reveal more fully (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) HOW TO BE MORE LOVABLE – PART TWO 3. Be clear on your reason for giving It can be easy to fall into the trap of keeping score in a relationship. There is a difference between have an agreement and giving to your partner. Giving is a way of helping, offering support or being generous in some way. Try to connect with the reason you are giving *What feels good about giving?" 4. Turn towards your partner When your partner "bids for your attention," do your best to respond. A bid for attention is any attempt from one partner to the another for connection, warmth, affirmation or affection. Unfortunately, when partners get into negative cycles, they often snub each other or give each other the cold should (almost to communicate "I am still mad at you. Look how bad you hurt me."). However, this lack of responsiveness destroys connection. In the article titled, "Turn Towards Instead of Away" published on The Gottman Institute's website, Zack Brittle writes about this single most important research finding. He says: "John Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples had remained together. Many had divorced. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing, they Turned Towards Instead of Away. At the six-year follow-up, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. The secret is turning towards." In "Turn Towards Instead of Away" Zack Brittle offers some good reflection question for you to work with. I encourage you to check it out. 5. Be there for your partner The adult romantic attachment research helps us understand the importance of prioritizing a sense of safety in the emotional bond between partners in relationship. Susan Johnson identifies the importance of A.R.E. to help cultivate a sense of security for couples. A.R.E stands for: Accessible Responsive Engaged 6. Value yourself One of the most attractive qualities is being confident and having self-worth. Yet, many of us struggle with acknowledging our goodness, strengths, efforts and positive qualities. Try an exercise for one month. Every night write down three good things that happened that day. Then, write out what you did to contribute to or participate in the thing happening. Practice pausing to validate yourself before seeking validation from another. 7. Laugh easily With the demands and responsibilities of daily life, it can be easy to get serious or into "task master" mode. What helps you feel lighter and more open and present? What helps you feel a sense of joy and play in life? How can you cultivate more joy and laughter in your day? Stay tuned for the Part Three. MENTIONED: EPR 167: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship (podcast) Turn Towards Instead of Away (article) Dr Susan Johnson (website) The Gottman Institute (website) Photo by Anton Kraev on Unsplash (photo credit) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In relationship, when we have a concern or an issue about something (as it relates to something our partner is doing that is bothering, upsetting, or offending us), we will likely want to: Point out and identify what your partner is doing wrong. Tell them how you don't like what they are doing. Describe how their behavior is not okay. Illustrate how what they are doing is unfair or not good. In response, your partner will likely dispute your claims and perspective to defend their position. While your partner cares deeply about what you are experiencing and feeling, they care less about your judgement and evaluation of them. When in conflict, it is easy to focus more on your partner's behavior and reactions. However, we often overlook our behavior and interactions. Or sometimes, we think reacting is the only way to get our partner's attention. Almost as if to say "the only way my partner listens to me is when I scream and shout." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) One of the biggest shifts that I experienced in my relationship journey (there have been several) is when I shifted my focus from what my partner was doing wrong to looking at my behavior…and taking full responsibility for my experience. When I made this decision, I had been around the block enough to know that participating in the negative-reactive cycle was only going to contribute to more pain and disconnect. Besides, I cannot control my partner's behavior or reactions. All I can do is be responsible for my feelings, reactions, needs, and boundaries. How often do we ask the question…"How lovable am I being?" To be clear, I am not talking about your deserving of love. I am talking about how you are participating in the dance you and your partner are creating together. In Ann Smith's article, "Love and Love-Ability," she talks about how our childhood impacts our ability to engage in love and receive love. She also affirms our innate lovability by saying: "Being lovable is inherent. It is not earned and it is not dependent on the approval of another person. Whether you are alone or in a secure relationship, you are still lovable. You are forever and always lovable. Even if a bad childhood led you to feel unloved and unworthy, you are still lovable. Even if you feel ashamed due to past failures and mistakes, you are still lovable. Even if you have been rejected or abandoned by someone, you are still lovable. You possess the capacity to attach to others and to receive love from others even when you feel that no one loves you." by Ann Smith When you look at your relationship, how do you measure success? What matters to you? Being emotionally connected (you and your partner can count on each other and feel a sense of closeness) Satisfied (a sense of fulfillment) Happy (experience joy, play, and laughter together) Healthy sex life (time for sexual intimacy, passion, excitement) Companionship (enjoy being together and work well together) Kindness and respect (understanding, care, and consideration) How does your behavior contribute to your relationship success? What happens when it is hard to contribute positively to the interactions with your partner, especially when in conflict? There are so many things that get in the way: Fear Insecure attachment feelings Projection Defensive patterns (like criticism, blame, and judgment) Resentment Old injury and trauma Fantasy bond In Dr. Lisa Firestone's article, "Just Be Kind: The Only Relationship Advice You'll Ever Need," she talks about the "fantasy bond," which is where couples: "They start to overstep each other's boundaries, replace substance with form, and diminish real, personal interactions. Although it isn't a conscious process, when a couple forms this type of fantasy, they stop engaging in small acts of kindness or even showing care and concern for each other. Without realizing it, couples form a fantasy bond in order to feel a sense of safety. However, what they end up feeling is resentment and frustration. Instead of seeing their partner as someone they chose, they may feel like their partner is someone they're stuck with. The behavior between the couple deteriorates. One partner may become withholding or controlling. Both can become more nitpicky, critical, and less accepting of their partner's individuality and freedom. While the quality of the relationship may be deteriorating, a fantasy bond still offers an impression of unity that gives us a certain sense of security. When we've formed this type of bond, being kind to our partner actually threatens to disrupt the sense of safety we experience: It forces us to acknowledge our partner as a separate person. " by Dr. Lisa Firestone HOW TO BE MORE LOVABLE 1. Be Kind: "Positive sentiment override" versus "Bad Memories" (referencing Dr. John Gottman's book "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work"). Be tolerant with each other's flaws. Notice a time where you can help out. Show care and concern in a way that hits home from your partner (the platinum rule) 2. Share Vulnerability & Reveal More Fully: When something is important to you, try to help your partner understand you and your experience better. If you bottle it up, it will build resentment and often make it harder to deal with. Being vulnerable often feels scary and terrifying. Being open allows for your partner to be able to care for you and love you better. Stay tuned for the Part Two. MENTIONED: ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One (podcast) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert Just Be Kind: The Only Relationship Advice You'll Ever Need by Dr. Lisa Firestone (article) Love and Love-Ability by Ann Smith (article) Photo by Miranda Wipperfurth on Unsplash (photo credit) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: Dr. Margaret Rutherford, a clinical psychologist, has practiced for twenty-five years in Fayetteville, Arkansas. She is the author of "Marriage Is Not For Chickens", a perfect gift book on marriage, and hosts a weekly podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Her new book, Perfectly Hidden Depression, will be published by New Harbinger in 2019. SUMMARY: In this episode, Dr. Margaret Rutherford talks about how perfectionism and depression interact and how it shows up in relationships. Dr Rutherford explains how she came to discover this 'hidden' depression and breaks down its patterns and consequential behaviors. She also gives important advice on how to properly address this condition in relationships. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) QUOTES: "People are falling through the cracks in our system simply because we're failing to recognize their depression." "Perfectionists can talk about feelings, they can't express feelings." "When you're coupled or partnered with someone with perfectionism or perfectly hidden depression, then what you notice is their lack of responsiveness to pain in their lives." "It's truly about introducing the subject in a loving, kind way and talk about yourself." "You do not have control over whether your partner decides to look at themselves or not but you can urge them gently to do so.. and of course they may not be ready and that's a whole different decision in and of itself." HIGHLIGHTS: 1:03 Dr. Rutherford's background in blogging, writing about mental health 4:10 How does depression differ from depression overlaid with perfectionism? 8:18 How does this type of depression affect partners? 12:37 How to address the onset of this type of depression between partners or in relationships 22:27 Ideologies that can trigger this hidden depression 30:46 Dr Rutherford advises on how people can take care of themselves despite their partners depression MENTIONED: Dr. Margret Rutherford (website) Self Work (podcast) Marriage Is Not For Chickens (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: DR. ROBERT NAVARRA Dr. Navarra, Certified Gottman Therapist and Master Trainer has co-authored book chapters with Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Recently he published an article on systemic approaches in addiction treatment and co-authored three articles on Gottman Therapy with Dr. John Gottman for the Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy. Dr. Navarra created "Roadmap for the Journey: A Gottman Workshop for Couples in Addiction Recovery", and "Couples and Addiction Recovery: A Gottman Approach for Therapists, Counselors, and Addiction Professionals". (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: What determines a substance use problem? There is a difference between frequent substance use and substance abuse. There is a continuum of use from "non-problematic" to "heavy use" to "use disorder" to "addiction". To learn more you can access the safe drinking guidelines. A note about alcohol and stress: People often will use alcohol to reduce stress. However, alcohol increases and reinforces the stress system in the brain. This type of use becomes cyclical because a person feels stressed and has a drink to alleviate the stress and then experiences more stress. Is alcoholism a disease? While most people who meet the criteria for a substance use disorder will not meet the criteria again in four years. Whereas other people with continued and consistent use will experience significant changes in their brain structure which will constitute an addiction and a disease. What happens if one person is using or drinking and it is an issue in the relationship? Get information and education about the guidelines of substance use. Have a conversation. Invite your partner to talk with you. Bring up the topic of concern with your partner in a non-blaming way. Here is what my concerns are… Here is what it means to me… See about coming to some agreements together. The person using may be willing to modify their use. If they are not willing to modify their use, then it might be important to explore why they are not willing to modify their use. Look at risk factors (i.e. family history of substance abuse issues, use over time, increased use, daily use, etc.) In the first year of recovery, what should a couple be aware of together? Relapse rates are the highest in the first year, especially in the first 3 months. Continued support from loved ones and family members is one of the highest predictors for success. Having a substance-free home environment is critical for the recovery process. People in recovery often feel an involuntary thrust towards using. Their brain has been hijacked by the disease, and they do not have the normal stop-go mechanisms in their brain. People in recovery have strong emotional memories and triggers. "Relationships need attention in this transition (into recovery). Let's not abandon couples when they need it the most." Dr. Navarra What promotes healing in the relationship? Relationship-care and self-care can help the person in recovery manage the disease better. Acknowledge the stigma and shame. Get support, so that you can engage in healing and constructive conversations. Discuss these questions in a non-blaming way: What has the impact of addiction been on you? And the relationship? What is the impact of recovery been on you? And the relationship? See the addiction as an intruder on your relationship. How has the uninvited guest impacted you, your partner and your relationship? Attend Dr. Navarra's workshop "Roadmap For The Journey" to have H.E.A.R.T (Healing Emotions Addiction Recovery Trauma) conversations to heal addiction trauma. When couples can emotionally attune and the listen to the painful emotions of one another, then begin to build trust together. MENTIONED: Couples Recovery Empowerment (website) Dr. Robert Navarra (website) Roadmap For The Journey (workshop page) Couples Recovery (Facebook page) The Addictions Institute (website) UC Santa Cruz – advanced drug & alcohol training program Addictionologist – a doctor who studies and treats addiction. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In this episode, you will learn ways to address the difficulty and uncertainty of not knowing if your partner is really "in it" with you and what to do about it. If you missed Part One, you can check it out here. LISTENER'S QUESTIONS: Listener:.."I'm having a few issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. He just can't seem to stop messaging his exes. He knows I am very uncomfortable with it. We've broken up a few times due to this. I'm starting to think maybe I'm the issue and not him, and I don't know what to do. We just recently got back together again, and he is doing (it) again. Maybe it's my insecurities, maybe I should break up with him, maybe I should trust him…I'm stuck on 'does he not care?' 'Does he just not love me?' Should I break up with him?"… Listener:.."However, I didn't learn about it until several hours later when he 'suddenly remembered' and said that that was happening 'tomorrow night.' When I asked him why this was the first I heard of it, he said, 'I didn't think of it.' I was mad that this was the first I was hearing about it, when I've explained that we need to discuss in advance things that are going to affect 'us' or our time together. I was mad that I had just said that I wanted us to do something, and it sounded like he's planning on going to this 'going away' party. I felt like he wasn't making 'us' the priority.He then made it worse by saying that he didn't choose which he wanted to do yet, somehow thinking by not choosing the party it was okay. When in reality, either way, he wasn't choosing 'us'…" (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) FINAL 4 (OF 8) QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER: Question #5: Do you have explicit agreements? Couples need to understand the importance of crystal-clear agreements. Relationship starts with a sense of flow, harmony, and connection that seems effortless. They experience a heightened state of arousal known as the "romance stage," which is fueled by neurochemicals and not sustainable. When the honeymoon wears off, it can be confusing. Why are things no longer harmonious and smooth? Why doesn't your partner get you? Why are there more misunderstandings? Every couple goes through five stages. Learn more about each stage by downloading a free Relationship Map, which describes what the long-term landscape of intimacy entails. Explicit agreements flush out assumptions, expectations, fears, and needs. What's visible on the surface, isn't always what's going on underneath. Slow down and focus on safety, clarity, and vulnerability. Question #6: Do you clear up miscommunications with your significant other? Bringing up an issue is challenging. Especially, if you lack the confidence to address an issue productively and constructively. Do you best to handle matters in a calm way. While anger can give us the fuel to take action, it will often lead us to say and do things we do not mean. CheckoutERP 018: HOW TO DEAL WITH FEELINGS OF ANGER IN RELATIONSHIP. Feeling angry, frustrated, or irritable indicates something that matters to you. Don't let it go, and commit to addressing it constructively with your partner. Use the Communication Exercise as a resource. Use a gentle, curious, and relational approach to support a safe and inviting conversation. Develop a deeper level of understanding of your partner. Sometimes there may be more going on (i.e. ADHA, HSP, Anxiety, Depression, Stress, etc.) Question #7: Do you take care of yourself? Do you ignore or suppress feelings of insecurity and pain? There's meaning and significance in those feelings. Pay attention to and address them. Pain is a part of life. It is important to learn how to deal with our pain. Boundaries are not to control someone, but for your limits in a relationship. Is your boundary reasonable and fair? Generally people will respect you setting boundaries, rather than lowering your standards. Question #8: Do you work toward a win-win? Strive for a win-win, so that the deal works for both people. This can be a paradigm shift to works towards a resolution that works for both people. If the resolution is not a win-win, it will not be sustainable over the long-term. MENTIONED: Relationship Map (opt-in) 7 Ways Relationship Fail (ebook opt-in) Shifting Criticism To Maintain A Healthy Relationship (guide) Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication (course) ERP 163: What To Do When You Question "Is My Partner Really With Me?" (podcast) Couples' Seminar with Melissa Orlov – The ADHD Effect In-Depth (course) ERP 051: How To Thrive With ADHD In Your Relationship (podcast) ERP 134: Sensitivity and Intimacy with Candy Crawford (podcast) ERP 160: How To Deal With Anxiety In Relationship (podcast) ERP 161: HOW TO SOOTHE ANXIETY IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast) ERP 057: How To Avoid Enabling Your Partner's Destructive Behavior (podcast) ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship (podcast) ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part Two ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast) ERP 109: How Being Gentle With Your Partner Can Make A Big Difference (podcast) Communication exercise (article) ERP 018: HOW TO DEAL WITH FEELINGS OF ANGER IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast) ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast) Photo by Taylor L. Spurgeon on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTIONS: Listener: …"I'm having a few issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. He just can't seem to stop messaging his Exes (two of them) he knows I am very uncomfortable with it, we've broken up a few times due to this. but I'm starting to think maybe I'm the issue and not him, and I don't know what to do. we just recently got back together again and he is doing again, maybe it's my insecurities, maybe I should break up with him, maybe I should trust him…I'm stuck on "does he not care" "does he just not love me" "should I break up with him"… Listener: …"However, I didn't learn about it until several hours later when he "suddenly remembered" and said that that was happening "tomorrow night." When I asked him why this was the first I heard of it, he said, "I didn't think of it." First, I was mad that this was the first I was hearing about it, when I've explained that we need to discuss in advance things that are going to affect "us" or our time together. Second, I was mad that I had just said that I wanted us to do something and it sounded like he's planning on going to this going away party. I felt like he wasn't making us the priority. He then made it worse by saying that he didn't choose which he wanted to do yet, somehow thinking by not choosing the party it was okay, when in reality, either way, he wasn't choosing "us.""… (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) 4 (OF 8) QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER: Question #1: Is your partner conflict avoidant? If your partner is conflict avoidant, their behavior may look similar to someone who is not invested or committed (i.e. they turn away or even dismiss the value of the relationship at times). Consider asking your partner "What helps you feel safe when we are having a conflict?" You may have a difficult time knowing what is going on underneath. For example: Shutdown can be pain. Distancing can be fear. By shifting the focus to creating safety with your partner, you are then addressing the real concern. If safety is not the issue, then you will be able to see the other issues more clearly. Question #2: Are you clear about your desires, wishes, and longings? Often, we think we are being clear, but we are actually talking about what we do not want or talking around the issue… hoping our partner will get the picture. Or we complain and criticize. None of which helps your partner understand clearly what you need. If you struggle with engaging in critical behavior, check out this article "17 WAYS TO SHIFT CRITICISM TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP" or podcast "ERP 039: HOW TO SHIFT CRITICISM INTO POWERFUL COMMUNICATION" or Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication course. Question #3: Do you pursue? Do you have a tendency to be more attentive to the connection with your significant other, possibly monitoring interactions or tracking your partner's response at times? Do you ask questions and initiate resolving concerns more than your partner? The pursuing-distancing dynamic can be tricky because the more avoidant person will often be more focused on the pursuing behavior than what their partner is actually communicating, and they end up reacting to the pursuing approach. In the end, both partners are reacting to each other. Try to slow down. Focus on "playing catch." Work to be clear and reveal your needs and desires. Question #4: Do you react? Do you at times attack, blame or criticize in an attempt to get your partner to engage? If you are reacting, you are likely (and naturally) feeling some level of threat. For example, your partner matters to you, but you feel a disconnect. It is scary. You may wonder "Are they still with me? Do they still love me? Are we still connected?" This is a deeply vulnerable experience. Find a way to calm your nervous system. Then, do your best to create a safe space with your partner, so that you can express your feelings or need in a more balanced way. If you react or tear into them, they will have a very difficult time hearing what is really going on for you. They will be too busy defending against your reaction. Stay tuned for the next episode for the next 4 questions to address the experience of feeling like your partner is not fully with you. MENTIONED: ERP 161: HOW TO SOOTHE ANXIETY IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast) 17 WAYS TO SHIFT CRITICISM TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP (article) ERP 039: HOW TO SHIFT CRITICISM INTO POWERFUL COMMUNICATION (podcast) ERP 115: HOW TO DEVELOP THE STRENGTH OF VULNERABILITY – PART TWO (podcast) ERP 114: HOW TO DEVELOP THE STRENGTH OF VULNERABILITY (podcast) Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication (course) Photo by André Bandarra on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: LISA FIRESTONE, PHD Lisa Firestone, PhD is Director of Research and Education with the Glendon Association. She is the author of numerous articles and chapters and co-author of Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: the Wisdom of Psychotherapy, most recently Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA books) Dr Firestone is a practicing clinical psychologist. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) Dr. Lisa Firestone wrote In a Relationship with a Narcissist? What You Need to Know About Narcissistic Relationships. I highly recommend reading it, if you have concerns about narcissism in your relationship. LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: Narcissism: Narcissistic traits and tendencies. Types of narcissism. The flip side of narcissism. How narcissism is often taught by a narcissist parent. How attachment plays a role. All or nothing thinking and narcissism. "It is important for the partner with narcissistic traits to begin to recognize, they don't have to be special to deserve love, attention, and care." Dr. Lisa Firestone How does narcissism negatively impact relationship: The relationship development and process (the beginning of the relationship versus the more established relationship) What the relationship dynamic typically looks like with a partner with narcissistic traits. The role of projection in relationship. How to work with the inner critical voice, and the importance of a realistic and compassionate voice. How to deal with a narcissistic partner: Identify your needs and wants proactively and specifically. Work with your anger. Recognize when your anger has significant charge, and possibly ask the question "What about this situation activates so much anger in me?" Be willing to address and confront your partner with the intention to develop more understanding and cooperation. "You have a lot of power to change your relationship, but you have zero power to change your partner". Dr. Lisa Firestone How to improve the relationship dynamic, when narcissism is at play: Recognize problematic relationship dynamics (it may be important to get support from a trained professional to assist in this process). Explore deeper fears, needs, and longings together (it may be important to get support from a trained professional to assist in this process). Promote and develop empathy together (it may be important to get support from a trained professional to assist in this process). MENTIONED: In a Relationship with a Narcissist? What You Need to Know About Narcissistic Relationships, by Dr. Lisa Firestone PsychAlive (to Dr. Lisa Firestone's programs and courses) Adult attachment Interview (research article) Self Under Siege (book) Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice (book) Sex And Love In Intimate Relationships (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In my last podcast episode, ERP 160: How to Deal with Anxiety in Relationship I addressed one listener's question a little more than I did the other listener's question. The information in the episode is relevant to what happens in the brain when we experience anxiety and how to work with it. Today, I want to talk a little more about anxiety as it relates to relationship security. If you listened to the last episode, you heard the second listener ask a question about how to deal with repetitive fears of her boyfriend cheating on her. By her report, she deems her boyfriend as a very trustworthy man and that he has given her no reason to doubt his fidelity. She also mentioned that she believes she would have this experience no matter who she is with. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) HUMAN NEED FOR BONDING At the root of it all, we are all wired up for bonding and connection. One of our basic motivating systems is to have a connection with another person. Dr. Susan Johnson helps us understand that the most powerful threat in life is isolation. In Love Sense, she talks about various research studies to illustrate how detrimental and even deadly isolation can be to our well-being. Dr. Susan Johnson talks about the fact that we have to face dragons in life. And when we do, we usually reach for the hand of the person we love to gain reassurance and comfort, as it is easier to deal with the dragons together. Additionally, our relationships are stronger because of it. Having safety and connection in a bond with another person helps us deal with life's threats and difficulties with more resource and resilience. Regulating emotions with another is the most effective (hand holding research). It is incredibly hard to self-sooth in isolation, especially if you do not have an internalized sense of a positive attachment figure. POSITIVE ATTACHMENT FIGURES What positive experiences have you had in your life where you have felt safe, understood, seen, accepted, loved, held, and comforted? If you can remember experiences of a secure bond with another, then you can use these memories and images to help you regulate your emotions and nervous system. Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) WHAT HELPS CONTRIBUTE TO SAFE CONNECTION AND BONDING? 1. Dr. Susan Johnson emphasizes A.R.E.: Accessible. Responsive. Engaged. 2. EFT (emotionally focused therapy) is incredibly effective in helping couples establish and maintain a secure bond. 3. Mirroring, reflection, and deep understanding 4. Warmth, care, compassion and empathy. 5. Validation, feeling valued, "I am okay," "I am not alone," "I belong." WHAT IF YOU DON'T FEEL SAFE? Coming back to the listener's question…when people feel threatened, they typically go to two places: Blame: suspicion, detective mode (subtle or unsubtle), pursue. Shutdown: feel alone, scared, try to suppress the feelings. Third option (takes work): share pain and vulnerability in a clear and emotionally balanced way. For example: "Not sure if I have shared with you…you mean so much to me, and sometimes I feeling scared that I am going to lose you. I often have really bad thoughts about you cheating on me, and it is super painful." OTHER WAYS TO FEEL CONNECTION: God. People feel a sense of holding, compassion, and support from Higher Power. A dear friend or family member. Music. Evokes emotion and validates experience. Nature. Therapeutic support or Group. In a safe secure relationship, the nervous system can relax and the brain can focus on other things rather than the hypervigilance of managing threats. In a more secure place, we can be more curious, playful, and exploratory. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Understanding the different stages of relationship development helps couples move forward positively with their lives and allows couples to feel a deeper connection.

Listener's question: "How to not let your anxiety disorder become a third person in your relationship and the hardest part of how to let your partner in on it and help them understand the anxiety attacks aren't because of him." Second Listener's Question: "I recently came across your podcast and I was really intrigued by your words and style of work. I was hoping you would possibly be able to help me out with a relationship issue of my own. I would really appreciate your advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for around two years now. I really do love him so much and we have a great relationship. I have a lot of anxiety in general and I'm just always expecting for "the other shoe to drop". I have a paranoid fear of being cheated on. For absolutely zero reason. He's never done anything to make me believe he would do that to me, or that he is even capable of doing it. However, for some reason it plays in my head over and over, that it COULD happen. I do everything I can to get this thoughts out of my head but they seem to come, basically daily. It's starting to drive me a little crazy because all I want is to fully enjoy my relationship with him. He's a wonderful man and I know he loves me too. What do you suggest I do to stop these intrusive thoughts of being hurt? It seems to be a huge fear of mine that I almost expect to happen in any relationship. " Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. 1. Careful to not hide and cover up. It is painful enough to deal with anxiety symptoms. Attempting to appear okay, when you are not okay will not help your partner understand and be there for you. Don't blame yourself. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, over 40 million people have an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders can occur for a number of reasons: Genetics. Environmental factors. Brain chemistry. Medical factors. Withdrawal from an illicit substance. 2. Educate your partner. What happens when someone experiences anxiety. Symptoms may include: worry, overwhelm, fear, increased heart rate, muscle tension, difficult sleeping, shortness of breath, restlessness etc. Future-based thinking and uncertainty of one's ability to meet the challenge. Understand anxiety and how your brain creates it. Amygdala (alarm system. threat, fear) Cortex (thinking, logic, awareness, details) Amygdala can turn on the flight/flight/freeze response in milliseconds. The cortex can not control the amygdala through deliberate thought process. Amygdala can override the cortex, can control or influence thoughts and focus. The cortex can initiate the amygdala's response with fear and worry thoughts. Identifying Anxiety-Igniting Thoughts, by Catherine Pittman, Ph.D. Download Pdf Cortex-based tendencies are called anxiety igniting thoughts because they have the potential to activate the amygdala, which could be a primary source of your anxiety. Pessimism. Worry. Perfectionism. Guilt & Shame. 3. Help your partner understand your personal experience. What your past experience has been with anxiety. What it looks like for you. What triggers your anxiety. What helps and what does not help. Your attachment style. 4. How to deal with anxiety. Learn ways to change your brain. Restructure your thoughts. Name it to tame it Thought stopping. Cognitive restructuring. Work to build safety and a secure bond with your partner. Practice mindfulness. Soothe and calm anxiety Relaxation techniques Exercise Adequate sleep Distraction. MENTIONED: Identifying Anxiety-Igniting Thoughts, by Catherine Pittman, Ph.D. (pdf) ERP 052: How To Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast) ERP 142: How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction With Mindfulness (podcast) ERP 143: How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction With Mindfulness – Part Two (podcast) ERP 144: How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction With Mindfulness – Part Three (podcast) Hold Me Tight, by Susan Johnson (book) Love Sense, by Susan Johnson (book) Rewire Your Anxious Brain: How to Use the Neuroscience of Fear to End Anxiety, Panic, and Worry (book) The Feeling Good Handbook, by David Burns (book) The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, by Edmund Bourne (book) Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (book) The Highly Sensitive Person (website) Photo by A. L. on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with resentment in relationships help couples move forward positively with their lives and allow couples to have deeper connection. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.