ERP 167: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship

In relationship, when we have a concern or an issue about something (as it relates to something our partner is doing that is bothering, upsetting, or offending us), we will likely want to:

• Point out and identify what your partner is doing wrong.
• Tell them how you don't like what they are doing.
• Describe how their behavior is not okay.
• Illustrate how what they are doing is unfair or not good.

In response, your partner will likely dispute your claims and perspective to defend their position. While your partner cares deeply about what you are experiencing and feeling, they care less about your judgement and evaluation of them.

When in conflict, it is easy to focus more on your partner's behavior and reactions. However, we often overlook our behavior and interactions.

Or sometimes, we think reacting is the only way to get our partner's attention. Almost as if to say "the only way my partner listens to me is when I scream and shout."

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

One of the biggest shifts that I experienced in my relationship journey (there have been several) is when I shifted my focus from what my partner was doing wrong to looking at my behavior…and taking full responsibility for my experience.

When I made this decision, I had been around the block enough to know that participating in the negative-reactive cycle was only going to contribute to more pain and disconnect.

Besides, I cannot control my partner's behavior or reactions. All I can do is be responsible for my feelings, reactions, needs, and boundaries.

How often do we ask the question…"How lovable am I being?"

To be clear, I am not talking about your deserving of love. I am talking about how you are participating in the dance you and your partner are creating together.

In Ann Smith's article, "Love and Love-Ability," she talks about how our childhood impacts our ability to engage in love and receive love. She also affirms our innate lovability by saying:

"Being lovable is inherent. It is not earned and it is not dependent on the approval of another person. Whether you are alone or in a secure relationship, you are still lovable. You are forever and always lovable. Even if a bad childhood led you to feel unloved and unworthy, you are still lovable. Even if you feel ashamed due to past failures and mistakes, you are still lovable. Even if you have been rejected or abandoned by someone, you are still lovable. You possess the capacity to attach to others and to receive love from others even when you feel that no one loves you." by Ann Smith

When you look at your relationship, how do you measure success? What matters to you?

• Being emotionally connected (you and your partner can count on each other and feel a sense of closeness)
• Satisfied (a sense of fulfillment)
• Happy (experience joy, play, and laughter together)
• Healthy sex life (time for sexual intimacy, passion, excitement)
• Companionship (enjoy being together and work well together)
• Kindness and respect (understanding, care, and consideration)

How does your behavior contribute to your relationship success?

What happens when it is hard to contribute positively to the interactions with your partner, especially when in conflict?

There are so many things that get in the way:

• Fear
• Insecure attachment feelings
• Projection
• Defensive patterns (like criticism, blame, and judgment)
• Resentment
• Old injury and trauma
• Fantasy bond

In Dr. Lisa Firestone's article, "Just Be Kind: The Only Relationship Advice You'll Ever Need," she talks about the "fantasy bond," which is where couples:

"They start to overstep each other's boundaries, replace substance with form, and diminish real, personal interactions. Although it isn't a conscious process, when a couple forms this type of fantasy, they stop engaging in small acts of kindness or even showing care and concern for each other. Without realizing it, couples form a fantasy bond in order to feel a sense of safety. However, what they end up feeling is resentment and frustration. Instead of seeing their partner as someone they chose, they may feel like their partner is someone they're stuck with. The behavior between the couple deteriorates. One partner may become withholding or controlling. Both can become more nitpicky, critical, and less accepting of their partner's individuality and freedom. While the quality of the relationship may be deteriorating, a fantasy bond still offers an impression of unity that gives us a certain sense of security. When we've formed this type of bond, being kind to our partner actually threatens to disrupt the sense of safety we experience: It forces us to acknowledge our partner as a separate person. " by Dr. Lisa Firestone

HOW TO BE MORE LOVABLE

1. Be Kind:

• "Positive sentiment override" versus "Bad Memories" (referencing Dr. John Gottman's book "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work").
• Be tolerant with each other's flaws.
• Notice a time where you can help out.
• Show care and concern in a way that hits home from your partner (the platinum rule)

2. Share Vulnerability & Reveal More Fully:

• When something is important to you, try to help your partner understand you and your experience better.
• If you bottle it up, it will build resentment and often make it harder to deal with.
• Being vulnerable often feels scary and terrifying.
• Being open allows for your partner to be able to care for you and love you better.

Stay tuned for the Part Two.

MENTIONED:

• ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One (podcast)
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
• Just Be Kind: The Only Relationship Advice You'll Ever Need by Dr. Lisa Firestone (article)
• Love and Love-Ability by Ann Smith (article)
• Photo by Miranda Wipperfurth on Unsplash (photo credit)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

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If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.