ERP 160: How to Deal with Anxiety in Relationship

Listener's question:

"How to not let your anxiety disorder become a third person in your relationship and the hardest part of how to let your partner in on it and help them understand the anxiety attacks aren't because of him."

Second Listener's Question:

"I recently came across your podcast and I was really intrigued by your words and style of work.

I was hoping you would possibly be able to help me out with a relationship issue of my own. I would really appreciate your advice.

I've been dating my boyfriend for around two years now. I really do love him so much and we have a great relationship. I have a lot of anxiety in general and I'm just always expecting for "the other shoe to drop".

I have a paranoid fear of being cheated on. For absolutely zero reason. He's never done anything to make me believe he would do that to me, or that he is even capable of doing it. However, for some reason it plays in my head over and over, that it COULD happen.

I do everything I can to get this thoughts out of my head but they seem to come, basically daily. It's starting to drive me a little crazy because all I want is to fully enjoy my relationship with him. He's a wonderful man and I know he loves me too.

What do you suggest I do to stop these intrusive thoughts of being hurt? It seems to be a huge fear of mine that I almost expect to happen in any relationship. "

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

1. Careful to not hide and cover up. It is painful enough to deal with anxiety symptoms. Attempting to appear okay, when you are not okay will not help your partner understand and be there for you.

• Don't blame yourself.
• According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, over 40 million people have an anxiety disorder.
• Anxiety disorders can occur for a number of reasons:
  • Genetics.
  • Environmental factors.
  • Brain chemistry.
  • Medical factors.
  • Withdrawal from an illicit substance.

2. Educate your partner. What happens when someone experiences anxiety.

• Symptoms may include: worry, overwhelm, fear, increased heart rate, muscle tension, difficult sleeping, shortness of breath, restlessness etc.
• Future-based thinking and uncertainty of one's ability to meet the challenge.
• Understand anxiety and how your brain creates it.
  • Amygdala (alarm system. threat, fear)
  • Cortex (thinking, logic, awareness, details)
  • Amygdala can turn on the flight/flight/freeze response in milliseconds.
  • The cortex can not control the amygdala through deliberate thought process.
  • Amygdala can override the cortex, can control or influence thoughts and focus.
  • The cortex can initiate the amygdala's response with fear and worry thoughts.
• Identifying Anxiety-Igniting Thoughts, by Catherine Pittman, Ph.D.
  • Download Pdf
• Cortex-based tendencies are called anxiety igniting thoughts because they have the potential to activate the amygdala, which could be a primary source of your anxiety.
  • Pessimism.
  • Worry.
  • Perfectionism.
  • Guilt & Shame.

3. Help your partner understand your personal experience.

• What your past experience has been with anxiety.
• What it looks like for you.
• What triggers your anxiety.
• What helps and what does not help.
• Your attachment style.

4. How to deal with anxiety.

• Learn ways to change your brain.
• Restructure your thoughts.
  • Name it to tame it
  • Thought stopping.
  • Cognitive restructuring.
• Work to build safety and a secure bond with your partner.
• Practice mindfulness.
• Soothe and calm anxiety
• Relaxation techniques
• Exercise
• Adequate sleep
• Distraction.

MENTIONED:

• Identifying Anxiety-Igniting Thoughts, by Catherine Pittman, Ph.D. (pdf)
• ERP 052: How To Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast)
• ERP 142: How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction With Mindfulness (podcast)
• ERP 143: How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction With Mindfulness – Part Two (podcast)
• ERP 144: How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction With Mindfulness – Part Three (podcast)
• Hold Me Tight, by Susan Johnson (book)
• Love Sense, by Susan Johnson (book)
• Rewire Your Anxious Brain: How to Use the Neuroscience of Fear to End Anxiety, Panic, and Worry (book)
• The Feeling Good Handbook, by David Burns (book)
• The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, by Edmund Bourne (book)
• Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (book)
• The Highly Sensitive Person (website)
• Photo by A. L. on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

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If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.