ERP 164: What To Do When You Question "Is My Partner Really With Me?" - Part Two

In this episode, you will learn ways to address the difficulty and uncertainty of not knowing if your partner is really "in it" with you and what to do about it. If you missed Part One, you can check it out here.

LISTENER'S QUESTIONS:

Listener:.."I'm having a few issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. He just can't seem to stop messaging his exes. He knows I am very uncomfortable with it. We've broken up a few times due to this. I'm starting to think maybe I'm the issue and not him, and I don't know what to do. We just recently got back together again, and he is doing (it) again. Maybe it's my insecurities, maybe I should break up with him, maybe I should trust him…I'm stuck on 'does he not care?' 'Does he just not love me?' Should I break up with him?"…

Listener:.."However, I didn't learn about it until several hours later when he 'suddenly remembered' and said that that was happening 'tomorrow night.' When I asked him why this was the first I heard of it, he said, 'I didn't think of it.' I was mad that this was the first I was hearing about it, when I've explained that we need to discuss in advance things that are going to affect 'us' or our time together. I was mad that I had just said that I wanted us to do something, and it sounded like he's planning on going to this 'going away' party. I felt like he wasn't making 'us' the priority.He then made it worse by saying that he didn't choose which he wanted to do yet, somehow thinking by not choosing the party it was okay. When in reality, either way, he wasn't choosing 'us'…"

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

FINAL 4 (OF 8) QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER:

Question #5: Do you have explicit agreements?

• Couples need to understand the importance of crystal-clear agreements. Relationship starts with a sense of flow, harmony, and connection that seems effortless.
• They experience a heightened state of arousal known as the "romance stage," which is fueled by neurochemicals and not sustainable.
• When the honeymoon wears off, it can be confusing. Why are things no longer harmonious and smooth? Why doesn't your partner get you? Why are there more misunderstandings?
• Every couple goes through five stages. Learn more about each stage by downloading a free Relationship Map, which describes what the long-term landscape of intimacy entails.
• Explicit agreements flush out assumptions, expectations, fears, and needs. What's visible on the surface, isn't always what's going on underneath.
• Slow down and focus on safety, clarity, and vulnerability.

Question #6: Do you clear up miscommunications with your significant other?

• Bringing up an issue is challenging. Especially, if you lack the confidence to address an issue productively and constructively.
• Do you best to handle matters in a calm way. While anger can give us the fuel to take action, it will often lead us to say and do things we do not mean.

• CheckoutERP 018: HOW TO DEAL WITH FEELINGS OF ANGER IN RELATIONSHIP.

• Feeling angry, frustrated, or irritable indicates something that matters to you. Don't let it go, and commit to addressing it constructively with your partner.

• Use the Communication Exercise as a resource.

• Use a gentle, curious, and relational approach to support a safe and inviting conversation.

• Develop a deeper level of understanding of your partner. Sometimes there may be more going on (i.e. ADHA, HSP, Anxiety, Depression, Stress, etc.)

Question #7: Do you take care of yourself?

• Do you ignore or suppress feelings of insecurity and pain? There's meaning and significance in those feelings. Pay attention to and address them.
• Pain is a part of life. It is important to learn how to deal with our pain.
• Boundaries are not to control someone, but for your limits in a relationship.
• Is your boundary reasonable and fair?
• Generally people will respect you setting boundaries, rather than lowering your standards.

Question #8: Do you work toward a win-win?

• Strive for a win-win, so that the deal works for both people.
• This can be a paradigm shift to works towards a resolution that works for both people.
• If the resolution is not a win-win, it will not be sustainable over the long-term.

MENTIONED:

• Relationship Map (opt-in)
• 7 Ways Relationship Fail (ebook opt-in)
• Shifting Criticism To Maintain A Healthy Relationship (guide)
• Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication (course)
• ERP 163: What To Do When You Question "Is My Partner Really With Me?" (podcast)
• Couples' Seminar with Melissa Orlov – The ADHD Effect In-Depth (course)
• ERP 051: How To Thrive With ADHD In Your Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 134: Sensitivity and Intimacy with Candy Crawford (podcast)
• ERP 160: How To Deal With Anxiety In Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 161: HOW TO SOOTHE ANXIETY IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast)
• ERP 057: How To Avoid Enabling Your Partner's Destructive Behavior (podcast)
• ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part Two
• ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 109: How Being Gentle With Your Partner Can Make A Big Difference (podcast)
• Communication exercise (article)
• ERP 018: HOW TO DEAL WITH FEELINGS OF ANGER IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast)
• ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast)
• ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast)
• Photo by Taylor L. Spurgeon on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

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If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.