ERP 168: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship- Part Two

PART-ONE RECAP:

In episode 167, part one, we explored the human tendency to focus on what our partner is doing that isn't working or is problematic. While this is a natural tendency, we are overlooking the ways in which we might be contributing to the pattern of disconnect.

How often do we ask the question, "How lovable am I being right now?"

Easier said than done. There are many things that get in the way of acting in ways that set-up a positive cycle of loving interactions.

In episode 167, we also talked about the various ways that people define a "successful relationship." Be sure to check out the episode to learn more.

The first two tips of How To Be More Lovable in Relationship:

1. Be kind

2. Show vulnerability and reveal more fully

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

HOW TO BE MORE LOVABLE – PART TWO

3. Be clear on your reason for giving

• It can be easy to fall into the trap of keeping score in a relationship.
• There is a difference between have an agreement and giving to your partner.
• Giving is a way of helping, offering support or being generous in some way.
• Try to connect with the reason you are giving *What feels good about giving?"

4. Turn towards your partner

• When your partner "bids for your attention," do your best to respond.
• A bid for attention is any attempt from one partner to the another for connection, warmth, affirmation or affection.
• Unfortunately, when partners get into negative cycles, they often snub each other or give each other the cold should (almost to communicate "I am still mad at you. Look how bad you hurt me."). However, this lack of responsiveness destroys connection.
• In the article titled, "Turn Towards Instead of Away" published on The Gottman Institute's website, Zack Brittle writes about this single most important research finding. He says:

"John Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples had remained together. Many had divorced. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing, they Turned Towards Instead of Away. At the six-year follow-up, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. The secret is turning towards."

• In "Turn Towards Instead of Away" Zack Brittle offers some good reflection question for you to work with. I encourage you to check it out.

5. Be there for your partner

• The adult romantic attachment research helps us understand the importance of prioritizing a sense of safety in the emotional bond between partners in relationship.
• Susan Johnson identifies the importance of A.R.E. to help cultivate a sense of security for couples. A.R.E stands for:
  • Accessible
  • Responsive
  • Engaged

6. Value yourself

• One of the most attractive qualities is being confident and having self-worth.
• Yet, many of us struggle with acknowledging our goodness, strengths, efforts and positive qualities.
• Try an exercise for one month. Every night write down three good things that happened that day. Then, write out what you did to contribute to or participate in the thing happening.
• Practice pausing to validate yourself before seeking validation from another.

7. Laugh easily

• With the demands and responsibilities of daily life, it can be easy to get serious or into "task master" mode.
• What helps you feel lighter and more open and present?
• What helps you feel a sense of joy and play in life?
• How can you cultivate more joy and laughter in your day?

Stay tuned for the Part Three.

MENTIONED:

• EPR 167: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship (podcast)
• Turn Towards Instead of Away (article)
• Dr Susan Johnson (website)
• The Gottman Institute (website)
• Photo by Anton Kraev on Unsplash (photo credit)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

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If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.