Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

In this episode, Bento Leal and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss: How Bento got involved in the field of relationship skills. Some of the biggest problems in interpersonal communication. The 4 Keys to Effective Communication. The number one skill for everyone. It's not just about receiving information, it's about getting where the other person is coming from, especially on an emotional topic. Listen all the way through, don't get defense or take it as an attack to try and hurt you. There are listening rules and speaking rules, which all start with an undercurrent of respect. When kids can see their parents talk about things in a skillful way, they will feel safe and see that their parents are able to work things out. "Nurture your relationship garden. Each relationship is its own garden." — Bento Leal (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) About Bento Leal: Bento Leal is a Relationships Skills Trainer and Bestselling Author who has taught marriage and relationship skills classes and parenting skills classes to more than 2500 couples and singles at family resource centers, community organizations, churches, substance abuse recovery programs, county jails and federal prison. In 2017, he published his first book "4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work—Anywhere!" It continues to be an Amazon Best Seller in several categories and has sold more than 40,000 copies. Mentioned: Website: BentoLeal.com Email: Bento@BentoLeal.com Book: 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work – Anywhere! Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Last week's episode (177), I discussed how difficult it can be when feeling distressed, threatened, and reactive to engage in comfort with a significant other. As one of my clients puts so well "Why would I want comfort from you, when you are they one that is causing me pain!" Many of us did not get the experience of having comfort when we were young. Thus, we developed ways to deal with it, but more importantly, we don't have an internal system that we can trust to turn towards comfort and soothing in relationship. In episode 177, I offered some of the research to help give some general guidance in how to offer comfort. It is worth noting that there are typically some gender differences to consider, when offering comfort. Here is an article that might be helpful when contemplating how to offer comfort to a man: How to Comfort a Man, Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC For women, I would point to the tips mentioned in episode 177: Accept and listen to your partner. Understand the hurt. Be with the pain. Offer reflection and validation. Offer care and help. Show remorse, if appropriate. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) Today, we are going to explore how to offer comfort to your partner in ways that are specific and unique to them. DISCUSSED IN THIS EPISODE (REFERENCING WIRED FOR LOVE, BY DR. STAN TATKIN): The importance of learning what comfort feels like for your partner. How to become an expert on your partner. Learning ways to lift up, reassure, and comfort when your partner is feeling vulnerable. Knowing your specific vulnerabilities. Knowing your partner's specific vulnerabilities. Knowing the antidotes to your vulnerabilities Knowing the antidotes to their vulnerabilities. In successful relationships,"Both partners seem to have read and carefully studied the owner's manual for their relationship and for each other." by Dr. Stan Tatkin MENTIONED: ERP 177: How to offer Comfort to Your Significant Other (podcast) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, by Dr. Stan Tatkin How to Comfort a Man, Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC ERP 068: What Women Really Want…Really! With Dr. Kathryn Foster (podcast) Relationship Map (opt-in download) Dr. Susan Johnson (website) Dr. John Gottman (website) Photo by Yuri Levin on Unsplash CONNECT WITH DR. JESSICA HIGGINS: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Discussed In This Episode: During stress, ways we get it wrong when we try to comfort our partner. How offering physical and emotional closeness is one of the most powerful ways to offer comfort. Ways to provide physical closeness (i.e. hugging, holding, sitting close). General ways to offer emotional closeness: 1. Accept and listen to your partner. 2. Understand the hurt. 3. Be with the pain. 4. Offer reflection and validation. 5. Offer care and help. 6. Show remorse, if appropriate. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) Mentioned: ERP 176: How to Give and Receive Influence – an Interview with Dr. Keith Witt (podcast) Relationship Map (opt-in download) Dr. Susan Johnson (website) Dr. John Gottman (website) Photo by Gus Moretta on Unsplash Connect With Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com Transcript: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In This Episode, Dr. Keith Witt And Dr. Jessica Higgins Discuss: Understanding intersubjectivity – the unique space that exists between two people. Recognizing the powerful impact and influence of our emotional states on each other in relationship. Learning how to manage and shift out of reactive, defensive, and negative states and how to amplify positive states. Attending to the three foundations of a relationship; tending to your friendship, love affair, and capacity to heal injuries. Love can work between almost any human being if they're willing to learn how to cultivate positive, effective states with each other and regulate the negative states. "In general, what characterizes a happy couple is that mostly they have positive states towards each other; they're mostly influencing each other with positive emotions." – Keith Witt Mentioned: ERP 093: HOW THE "SHADOW" INFLUENCES OUR GROWTH IN LIFE AND IN RELATIONSHIP WITH DR. KEITH WITT (podcast) ERP 050: EXPLORING LOVE & CONSCIOUS EVOLUTION WITH DR. KEITH WITT (podcast) Shadow Light: Illuminations at the Edge of Darkness (book) Integral Mindfulness: From Clueless to dialed In (book) The Attuned Family: How To Be a Great Parent To Your Kids and a Great Lover To Your Spouse (book) Sessions:: All Therapy Supports Relationships Integrating Towards Unity (book) The Gift of Shame: Why We Need Shame and How To Use it To Love and Grow (book) Waking Up: Psychotherapy as Art, Spirituality, And Science(book) Loving Completely: A Five Star Practice for Creating Great Relationships (book) Dr. Keith Witt – A Five Star Practice for Creating Beautiful Relationships (TEDxAmericanRiviera) Two rules for guys: Dr. Keith Witt (TEDxAmericanRiviera) 100 reasons not to have the secret affair: Keith Witt(TEDxAmericanRiviera) Connect With Dr. Keith Witt: Website: www.drkeithwitt.com Books: amazon.com/Keith-Witt Connect With Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com Transcript: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 176: How to Give and Receive Influence – an Interview with Dr. Keith Witt If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins and Dr. Scott Woolley discuss: Understanding the motivating factors of an affair and trusting it won't happen again. The internal working models of attachment about who we are, who other people are, and how we relate to them. The destructive impacts of taking revenge, public shaming, and waiting to make significant decisions. Key Takeaways: The three motivating factors for affairs are a reaction to what's going on or an attempt to change the relationship; protest or revenge; and relationship burnout. When talking to your partner about their pain and you are expressing genuine remorse over the suffering they are experiencing, you are with them at a fundamental level, and that starts the healing process. If people want to go through the process to save their relationship, it's possible, but it will take a lot of dedicated time and work for both partners, but it can be accomplished. "Don't give up on healing your relationship; it's possible that your relationship can be better than it has ever been." - Scott Woolley If you have a topic you would like me to discuss; please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me. Connect with Dr. Scott Woolley: Website: www.drscottwoolley.com Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com Audio production by Turnkey Podcast Productions. You're the expert. Your podcast will prove it.

Guest Byron Katie: In 1986, at the bottom of a ten-year spiral into depression, rage, and self-loathing, Byron Katie woke up one morning to a state of constant joy that has never left her. She realized that when she believed her stressful thoughts, she suffered, but that when she questioned them, she didn't suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Her simple yet powerful process of inquiry is called The Work. The Work consists of four questions and the turnarounds, which are a way of experiencing the opposite of what you believe. When you question a thought, you see around it to the choices beyond suffering. Katie has been bringing The Work to millions of people for more than thirty years. Her public events, weekend workshops, five-day intensives, nine-day School for The Work, and 28-day residential Turnaround House have brought freedom to people all over the world. Byron Katie's books include the bestselling Loving What Is, I Need Your Love—Is That True?, A Thousand Names for Joy, and A Mind at Home with Itself. For more information, visit thework.com. In this episode, Bryon Katie and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss: The source of suffering is often what you are thinking and believing in any situation. Our judgments come between connection. The Work is a self-inquiry process to identify your thoughts, thinking, and believing; and then to question them through the Four Questions and Turnarounds. Our ego takes over our lives when are being our thoughts and thinking without self-inquiry. The Work is a meditative process, which includes getting still and getting in touch with your fullter experience. It takes courage to question our thinking, thoughts, and believing, to see our part, and look at ourselves from a different perspective. We are more powerful that what we are thinking or believing. The Work calls on us to take responsibility for our actions, thinking and life. The Work allows us to wake up to our true reality of our nature. Takeaways: With The Work, we can heal ourselves, and when we meet the next human being, we are more aware and enlightened to ourselves. There may only be six questions on the worksheet. However, it may take a week, or it might take two weeks, but go deeply. The Work is an inquiry; it's a way to identify the thought that you're thinking and believing in an actual situation in the past or situations that you imagine will happen in the future. The situations that you may fear or dread. "If I can get free, then anyone can get free, it's a process. We either believe our thoughts, or we question them, there is no other choice." — Byron Katie Mentioned: Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet (Byron Katie's website) Scroll down to the bottom or the page. You can also find the "One-Belief-at-a-Time Worksheet" as well. Byron Katie's story (website - about page) The Work (website) Byron Katie's events (website) Loving What Is (book) (please use this hyperlink) I Need Your Love—Is That True? (book) (please use this hyperlink) A Thousand Names for Joy (book) (please use this hyperlink) A Mind at Home with Itself (book) (please use this hyperlink) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss; please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me. Referenced Documents: The Work Worksheet Connect with Byron Katie: Twitter: @ByronKatie Facebook: facebook.com/theworkofbyronkatie Website: thework.com Book: thework.com/books YouTube: youtube.com/Thework Instagram: instagram.com/byron.katie Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com

Guest David Emerald : David Emerald Womeldorff is the Creator-in-Chief of the 3 Vital Questions® leadership frameworks proven to powerfully boost teamwork and productivity. Thousands of people and organizations have achieved breakthroughs by applying his self-leadership techniques and attending his seminars worldwide. David and his wife and business partner Donna Zajonc (sajon) MCC have developed the frameworks that form the basis of the engaging workplace fable, 3 Vital Questions:Transforming Workplace Drama. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins and David Emerald discuss: Understanding the Drama Triangle and the three roles involved. The distinction between victimization and victimhood. Learning the Empowerment Dynamic and the three roles. The opposite of a victim position is a creator position. How telling a person that they are acting as a victim will trigger reactivity. Within the Drama Triangle, we focus on the problem. Within the Empowerment Dynamic, the focus is on the desired outcome. Key Takeaways: The three roles in the Drama Triangle are victim, challenger, and rescuer. The antidote to the Drama Triangle roles is the Empowerment Dynamic roles, creator, persecutor, and helper. It's natural to look at a problem and try to solve the problem. When the intention and the focus on the issue, it can spin us into this very hopeless, not empowered, lack of control place. The way we can escape the drama triangle is by shifting our focus to what we want to experience. For example,"What is it that we really want?" "A problem is rarely ever solved from within the victim orientation." — David Emerald If you have a topic you would like me to discuss; please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me. Referenced Episodes: 156 What Happens When You Feel Like A Victim In Relationship 157 How to Shift Out of The Victim Position Links Mentioned: Power of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic): 10th Anniversary Edition (book) 3 Vital Questions (website) Power of Ted (website) Power of Ted Workshop Connect with David Emerald: Twitter: @powerofted Facebook: David Emerald The Power of TED Website: powerofted.com & 3vitalquestions.com Pinterest: pinterest.com/powerofted YouTube: The Power of TED LinkedIn: linkedin.com/company Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com

In episode ERP 171, I read a listener's question and I shared some examples of different types of manipulative behavior. I also offered the first 2 tips on how to deal with manipulative behavior in relationship. If you missed it, I encourage you to check it out. To recap, the first two tips of How To Deal With Manipulative Behavior: 1. Identify The Manipulative Behavior 2. Focus On Your Power, Strength, And Goodness (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) HOW TO DEAL WITH MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR (4 OF 6): 3. Work on Differentiating: "The ability to balance our needs for autonomy and attachment is called differentiation. Differentiation is a scientific process that occurs in all species. For humans, it is about becoming more of a unique individual and a solid person through relationships with others." by Dr. David Schnarch Dr. David Schnarch's 4 Points of Balance: Solid flexible self Quiet mind and calm heart Grounded responding Meaningful Endurance Use visualization techniques to help yourself. "I can't tell you how many clients have said, when they're in their 20s or 30s: 'You know, when I looked at my dad, I realized I'm a foot taller than him.' And it was a revelation because they still felt so much littler. So being able to reverse that and recognize, 'Oh, I'm starting to feel small now, but wait a minute — I'm not,' can be helpful." Because, he says, "that's the point of it. That's how people manipulate. They make you feel small because that gives them more power." by Dr. Dan Neuharth 4. Set Limits and Boundaries: Know your options. For example, "If this happens, then I will do xyz." Use time as a resource. Don't feel pressured to respond to any on-the-spot request. Learn to say "no" diplomatically but firmly. Speaking the truth with tact. Have an honest and open conversation, with support if needed. Create some distance, if the person is unwilling to work with you. 5. Deal with Grief and Loss: Accepting that the person may not change. Deal with the limitations of the relationship. Grieve not having the relationship you hoped for, imagined, or longed for. 6. Hold a Mirror: In the article, "How to Recognize and Handle Manipulative Relationship," by Preston Ni, he described this concept of "holding a mirror" up to someone who may be making an unreasonable request. Put the focus back on them using probing questions. Reflect back the request and look at it together. Hopefully, the person will see the inequity of their request and reconsider. MENTIONED: ERP 171: HOW TO DEAL WITH MANIPULATION IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast) How to Recognize and Handle Manipulative Relationship, by Preston Ni (article) The Crucible 4 Points of Balance, by Dr. David Schnarch (article) ERP 135: HOW TO HANDLE GRIEF AND LOSS IN RELATIONSHIP – PART ONE (podcast) ERP 136: HOW TO HANDLE GRIEF AND LOSS IN RELATIONSHIP – PART TWO (podcast) ERP 169: WHAT TO DO WHEN DEPRESSION TAKES HOLD IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP – DR. SUSAN HEITLER (podcast) ERP 110: HOW TO MANAGE TWO MAJORLY CONFLICTING NEEDS IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast) Intimacy & Desire (book) Passionate Marriage (book) Photo by Sebastian Pichler on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "First of all, thank you so much for doing the podcast. I have been learning so much about relationships and how to better improve my own. My question is about family and parents. Some background on my situation. I have told my very religious parents that I am moving out of the house. My boyfriend and I have found a place together and decided that our next step in our very committed relationship is to live together. I am 30 years old. My parents (mostly my mother) had a fit. She went on and on about how I am not "doing things the right way" and that she and everyone in her family disapproves. I told her that I was confident in my decision and I understand that she will not approve, but it is my decision. I also told her I never meant to hurt her. She has been crying and posting a lot of religious content on her social media. She's also been posting sad photos of her looking upset. I see that this is emotional manipulation and this is something I have had to deal with my whole life, hence the final push to move and get some space from my family. So my question is, what is the best way to deal with emotional manipulative parents? " (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) MANIPULATION: WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? Manipulation is the act of trying to get someone to do something consciously or subconsciously. At what point do we call behavior persuasive/influential or manipulative? There is a range from having a healthy influence to toxic manipulation, and it is a matter of degrees. For example: Someone arguing their perspective and trying to get their partner to see their side. Or a teenager who wants to go out on a school night and is trying to convince his parents into letting him go out. Or an attorney who is attempting to persuade the jury in a particular direction. The line is usually crossed when a person is using guilt, force, or power to control someone else. Unfortunately, people often resort to control tactics when they are scared and afraid. They don't trust that someone will engage with them in a safe way, so they get aggressive, pushy, and critical. Or even worse, they use mental distortion and emotional exploitation to gain power and control. When people grow up in particularly unhealthy and painful environments, they often learn to cope in dysfunctional ways. When these patterns take hold in more extreme cases, people can develop personality disorders and mental health issues. TYPES OF MANIPULATION: In the article, 12 Failures of Highly Manipulative People, by Preston Ni, he offers several types of manipulation. Here are a few (please read the article for more information): "Negative Manipulation. Designed to gain superiority by causing the victim to feel inferior, inadequate, insecure, and/or self-doubting. Positive Manipulation. Designed to bribe the victim emotionally to win favors, concessions, sacrifices, and/or commitments. Deception and Intrigue. Designed to distort the perception of the victim for easier control. Strategic Helplessness. Designed to exploit the victim's good will, guilty conscience, sense of duty and obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct. Hostility and Abuse. Designed to dominate and control the victim through overt aggression." by Preston Ni HOW TO DEAL WITH MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR (2 OF 6): 1. Identify The Manipulative Behavior: If something feels annoying, icky, or uncomfortable during an interaction, there is probably a good reason. If you reacting, feeling guilty, defensive, etc. you are caught in the manipulation. Write out the interaction. This will help you identify the manipulation. Then, you can get more perspective and look at the dynamic more objectively. Naming it to tame it. With more clarity, you will be better able to deal with the manipulative behavior differently in the future. 2. Focus On Your Power, Strength, And Goodness Identify your intention. Recognize your rights, (to be treated with respect, to have your own thoughts, feelings, and preference, a right to make choices, a right to say 'no" without feeling guilt). Know your needs. Work on your self-esteem. Improve your self-image. Recognize your worth, goodness, and strengths. Stay tuned for the next episode for the next four tips. MENTIONED: 12 Failures of Highly Manipulative People, by Preston Ni (article) ERP 015: DO YOU HAVE A "UNITY" OR "JOURNEY" MINDSET IN RELATIONSHIP? (podcast) ERP 162: HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE WITH A NARCISSIST AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT – DR. LISA FIRESTONE (podcast) ERP 121: HOW TO GET AN UNSUPPORTIVE PARENT ONBOARD (podcast) Photo by Nadine Shaabana on Unsplash (photo credit) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

If you missed part one and part two, I encourage you to check these episodes out first as it gives to the foundation for today's conversation. In a relationship, it is easy to focus on what our partner is doing that isn't working or is problematic. Yet, at the same time, we often overlook the ways in which we contribute to the problematic pattern. How often do we ask the question, "How lovable am I being right now?" In part one and part two, we discussed tips 1 through 7. Today we will address tips number 8 through 14. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) HOW TO BE MORE LOVABLE – PART THREE 8. Be Authentic, Genuine and Sincere The word "authentic' and the word "author" come from the same origin. If you have the tendency to please your partner, you run the risk of losing yourself. Do your best to take a moment and connect with what is true for you before discussing options with your partner. 9. Be Values-Driven, which Promotes Personal Integrity Know what your highest values are in your life (i.e. making a difference, health, family, security, fun, relationship, etc.). This will help you prioritize what matters most for you in your life, even when it might not be easy, convenient or fun. Do your best to follow through with your agreements, and when you run into an issue, renegotiate the agreement with your partner. Consistency over time builds trust. Be accountable to yourself. 10. Set Boundaries When you are authentic and connect to your values, your boundaries will be much more clear. Having boundaries helps you show up more fully with your partner. Setting limits helps your partner know, love and care for you more. Each person's needs are equally important in the relationship. 11. Listen, Deeply Listen Listening sounds basic enough, but so often we get wrapped up in a "me, me, me" attitude without even realizing it. Deeply listening offers a huge gift to your partner, where they can feel heard and seen. 12. Communicate Communicating positive things and in a positive way is important for the warmth and connection in your relationship (i.e. sharing the good news, expressing positive regard with kind eye contact and smiles). Slow down. Be present. Allow your partner to have an influence on you. Start-up a difficult conversation in a gentle way. Identify, acknowledge, and share your feelings. Check out assumptions, worries, and fears. 13. Be Grateful Being in a state of gratitude is thought to be one of the highest vibrational states. Cultivate gratitude. Develop a practice that helps you remember to be present to what is good and valuable in your life. 14. Keep It Fresh Change it up. Do something unexpected, Learn something new together. Change and learning give you and your partner an immediate feel-good neurochemical boost. Be creative and get outside of your comfort zone. MENTIONED: EPR 167: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship (podcast) ERP 168: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship – Part Two (podcast) Time Warrior, by Steve Chandler (book) Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch (book) Intimacy & Desire, by David Schnarch (book) How to stop screwing yourself over by Mel Robbins (Ted Talk) Dr, Dan Seigal (website) Playback Theatre (website) Photo by Savs on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.