ERP 170: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship - Part Three

If you missed part one and part two, I encourage you to check these episodes out first as it gives to the foundation for today's conversation.

In a relationship, it is easy to focus on what our partner is doing that isn't working or is problematic. Yet, at the same time, we often overlook the ways in which we contribute to the problematic pattern.

How often do we ask the question, "How lovable am I being right now?"

In part one and part two, we discussed tips 1 through 7. Today we will address tips number 8 through 14.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)

HOW TO BE MORE LOVABLE – PART THREE

8. Be Authentic, Genuine and Sincere

• The word "authentic' and the word "author" come from the same origin.
• If you have the tendency to please your partner, you run the risk of losing yourself.
• Do your best to take a moment and connect with what is true for you before discussing options with your partner.

9. Be Values-Driven, which Promotes Personal Integrity

• Know what your highest values are in your life (i.e. making a difference, health, family, security, fun, relationship, etc.). This will help you prioritize what matters most for you in your life, even when it might not be easy, convenient or fun.
• Do your best to follow through with your agreements, and when you run into an issue, renegotiate the agreement with your partner.
• Consistency over time builds trust.
• Be accountable to yourself.

10. Set Boundaries

• When you are authentic and connect to your values, your boundaries will be much more clear.
• Having boundaries helps you show up more fully with your partner.
• Setting limits helps your partner know, love and care for you more.
• Each person's needs are equally important in the relationship.

11. Listen, Deeply Listen

• Listening sounds basic enough, but so often we get wrapped up in a "me, me, me" attitude without even realizing it.
• Deeply listening offers a huge gift to your partner, where they can feel heard and seen.

12. Communicate

• Communicating positive things and in a positive way is important for the warmth and connection in your relationship (i.e. sharing the good news, expressing positive regard with kind eye contact and smiles).

• Slow down. Be present.
• Allow your partner to have an influence on you.
• Start-up a difficult conversation in a gentle way.
• Identify, acknowledge, and share your feelings.
• Check out assumptions, worries, and fears.

13. Be Grateful

• Being in a state of gratitude is thought to be one of the highest vibrational states.
• Cultivate gratitude.
• Develop a practice that helps you remember to be present to what is good and valuable in your life.

14. Keep It Fresh

• Change it up. Do something unexpected,
• Learn something new together.
• Change and learning give you and your partner an immediate feel-good neurochemical boost.
• Be creative and get outside of your comfort zone.

MENTIONED:

• EPR 167: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 168: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship – Part Two (podcast)
• Time Warrior, by Steve Chandler (book)
• Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch (book)
• Intimacy & Desire, by David Schnarch (book)
• How to stop screwing yourself over by Mel Robbins (Ted Talk)
• Dr, Dan Seigal (website)
• Playback Theatre (website)
• Photo by Savs on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

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If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.