How Not to Ruin Your Relationships | Drs. John & Julie Gottman
Feb 14, 2024
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Renowned relationship researchers Drs. John & Julie Gottman share insights from their 40 years of breakthrough research. They discuss conflict resolution, the myth of constructive criticism, their accurate divorce prediction, and how they apply their findings in their own lives.
Constructive conflict resolution is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.
Identifying destructive communication patterns can help prevent relationship deterioration.
The Sound Relationship House Theory provides a comprehensive framework for understanding and improving relationships.
Deep dives
Building and maintaining healthy relationships
The podcast episode explores the importance of understanding how to build and maintain healthy relationships. The podcast features Drs. Julie and John Gottman, who have conducted extensive research in this field. They discuss the role of mindfulness and humor in relationships, the occurrence of betrayal and infidelity, and when it may be necessary to consider separation. The Gottmans' research findings show that constructive conflict resolution is crucial, emphasizing the need for effective communication, understanding, and compromise.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in conflict
One of the main insights from the podcast is the identification of destructive communication patterns known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These patterns can lead to relationship deterioration. In contrast, healthy relationships exhibit qualities such as positive to negative interaction ratio, self-soothing during conflicts, and willingness to take responsibility. The Gottmans' research demonstrates that these indicators can predict the success or failure of a relationship.
The Sound Relationship House Theory and deeper emotional work
The Gottmans introduce their Sound Relationship House Theory, which provides a comprehensive framework for understanding and improving relationships. The theory consists of seven levels, including friendship, conflict management, making life dreams come true, and shared meaning and purpose. It emphasizes the importance of emotional connection, empathy, intimacy, conflict resolution skills, and addressing deeper emotional wounds. The Gottmans stress that skills alone are not sufficient, and that addressing underlying emotional issues and fostering mindfulness are essential for fostering healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Building Love Maps
Building Love Maps refers to how well partners know each other's internal worlds, including feelings, needs, beliefs, and values. It involves asking questions and staying curious about each other's changing selves.
Fondness and Admiration
Expressing care, fondness, love, and respect for each other is essential. Constantly expressing fondness and admiration through words and actions strengthens the relationship.
What 40 years of research tells us about how to cultivate good relationships in our lives.
World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted over 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. He is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute and Affective Software Inc. as well as author of over 200 published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Dr. Julie Gottman is the Co-Founder and President of The Gottman Institute and Co-Founder of Affective Software, Inc. A highly respected clinical psychologist and author, she is sought internationally by media and organizations as an expert advisor on marriage, domestic violence, gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues. She is the co-creator of the immensely popular The Art and Science of Love weekend workshop for couples and she also co-designed the national clinical training program in Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
In this episode we talk about:
how to talk (and listen) to your partner in moments of conflict
what to do before you start trying to solve a problem together
why “there’s no such thing as constructive criticism”
the details of John’s research findings, which have allowed him to predict with stunning accuracy whether a couple will get divorced
how the Gottmans themselves do when it comes to operationalizing their findings/advice
how and why betrayal occurs
when a couple should consider separating
the role mindfulness can play in healthy relationships