Harriet Lerner and Brené - I’m Sorry: How To Apologize & Why It Matters, Part 1 of 2
May 6, 2020
01:14:47
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Harriet Lerner, a renowned author and teacher, joins Brené Brown to discuss the art of apologies. They dive into why sincere apologies are crucial during tough times, sharing personal stories that illuminate the healing power of accountability. The duo addresses the nuances of meaningful apologies and how they can strengthen relationships while avoiding pitfalls like over-apologizing. They also tackle the role of apologies in modeling accountability for future generations, intertwining deep insights with practical advice.
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Quick takeaways
A sincere apology plays a pivotal role in healing relationships by acknowledging hurt and fostering trust between individuals.
True apologies offer vital emotional gifts such as validation, emotional safety, and the opportunity to release resentment and bitterness.
Common pitfalls in apologies, including justifications and over-apologizing, can undermine their effectiveness and shift focus from accountability to the apologizer's feelings.
Deep dives
The Importance of Apologizing
Apologizing is presented as a crucial aspect of maintaining healthy relationships, fundamental to family, marriage, leadership, and self-love. A sincere apology can heal emotional wounds, as it conveys recognition of the hurt caused, fostering trust and connection. When done correctly, it can even lead to the restoration of emotional safety within a relationship, allowing both individuals to feel validated and understood. The act of apologizing also reflects a level of maturity and responsibility, essential for personal growth and strengthening bonds.
The Three Gifts of a Heartfelt Apology
A heartfelt apology offers three vital gifts to the person who has been hurt: the opportunity to let go of resentment, emotional safety, and validation of their feelings. The first gift helps to release bitterness and obsessive anger, making space for forgiveness. Secondly, it reassures the hurt party that their feelings are acknowledged and respected, promoting a sense of security in the relationship. Lastly, a true apology affirms their reality, allowing them to feel understood and recognized in an emotional context.
Common Mistakes in Apologizing
Several common pitfalls can undermine well-intended apologies. Utilizing phrases like 'I'm sorry, but...' immediately shifts the focus away from accountability and includes justifications that invalidate the apology. Additionally, confusing apologies with offers to fix a situation can dilute the signal of remorse by introducing an agenda. Lastly, over-apologizing can create discomfort, making conversations about the issue more focused on the apologizer's guilt than the healing required for the hurt party.
Essential Ingredients of a Good Apology
A true apology should focus solely on the actions of the apologizer rather than the feelings of the offended. Specific ingredients include avoiding the word 'but,' not insisting on forgiveness, and refraining from making the apology about personal feelings or past behavior. An effective apology should also include sincere requests for how to make amends and a genuine effort to avoid repeating the same mistreatment. This alignment emphasizes personal accountability and the importance of restoring trust after the breach.
The Role of Self-Respect in Apologizing
Self-respect is a fundamental component of delivering and receiving heartfelt apologies. When individuals apologize sincerely, it ultimately enhances their self-worth and growth, even if the other party does not respond positively or chooses not to forgive. The act of apologizing nurtures a sense of integrity and maturity, demonstrating a commitment to personal values and healthy relationships. Emphasizing the importance of selflessness in apologies highlights the distinction between giving an apology to soothe one’s own guilt versus genuinely addressing the hurt caused.
This is the first episode of two-part special based on a course that Dr. Harriet Lerner and I did together on her groundbreaking book Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts. It’s an authentic, hard conversation about making mistakes, healing hurts, and being brave. Harriet is a friend, mentor, and teacher. Her work has shaped my career and made my life better. During a time of deep uncertainty and anxiety — when many of us have struggled to be our best selves all of the time — apologizing has never been more important.