Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

This is part 1 of the 3 part series with Alice.  Alice is a recently divorce parent with two boys ages 9 and 6  In Part 1 we learn about Dan who struggles with FAIRNESS, often melting down in ways that impact that whole family.  We will discuss the candy wars, the ruined birthday parties, and the issue of fairness. Alice also admits that she is struggling with the fear of being a bad parent and worries about who her son will be as an adult. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Time stamps:6:12 The need to see and heard and understood6:45 Use the phrase “I notice….” to help your child gain intrapersonal and interpersonal awareness 9:40 Validation - not all validation is not all equal - its in the eye of the beholder - try to get the primary emotion - I identify when you unintentionally invalidate your child12:05 We are parenting in the short term and the long term15:43 Do you expect your child to misbehave? We actually need to expect our child to misbehave16:41 When parents feel like they are a failure17:49 and 18:50 Examples of using the skill of coping ahead for the misbehavior:  “Bring it on” 20:45 Talking about the fear of what your child will be like when they grow up26;26 The issue of fairness and unfairness27:35 When kids need predictability and uncertainty31:28 The difference between equality and equity33:50 An example of dialectic dilemma35:20 Sibling rivalry as a process of individuation and differentiation40:16 Think outside the box - fill the emotional bank45:05 When parents feel like their children are manipulating them46:14 The “shoulds” that parents may feel.Leslie-ism:  Take a moment to check your own expectations, check your fears and check your shoulds.Show Note Links:A visual image illustrating the difference between equality and equityAn article on Why kids have meltdowns afterschool A blog posting exploring The Need to be Heard and Understood  A blog posting exploring The Need to BelongCredits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck.  Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is a special episode in which Leslie is joined by guest Lindz Amer (they/them) to talk about their work within the LGBTQ+ community. Leslie and Lindz talk about various topics regarding being a caretaker and ally to LGBTQ+ children. Last week’s episode was about parenting Jack, a transgender child.  Leslie wanted to have Lindz on the podcast to further discuss the important ways we can create a safe and validating environment for LGBTQ+ children.:About today’s guest:  Lindz created their award-winning LGBTQ+ family webseries Queer Kid Stuff in 2016 which now has 4M lifetime views and counting!  They are the author of the nonfiction parenting book Rainbow Parenting: Your Guide to Raising Queer Kids and Their Allies (St. Martin’s Press) and their picture book Hooray for She, He, Ze and They! What are YOUR Pronouns Today? (Simon & Schuster, February 2024).  Currently they host the Rainbow Parenting Podcast and perform at school and libraries across the country, while writing and consulting for children’s television.  You can watch their viral TED talk on why kids need to learn about gender and sexuality.  See Links below for these resources and more informationFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Leslie-ism: Take a look at the assumptions you are making about your child that may not even be true.Show Note Links:Here are the links to Lindz Amer’s website, Rainbow Parenting, Hooray for She, He, Ze and They, Rainbow Parenting PodcastCredits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is a single session with our guest May.  May is married to Charlie and they have a child named Jack.  Jack is 13 years old and was assigned female at birth, but identifies as they/him and approached May to start calling them Jack in middle school. May, who is wonderfully supportive of Jack, finds herself struggling to be the mediator between Jack and the conservative members of their family, including Jack’s father, Charlie. In this episode, May’s story will help us consider how we can best help a child navigate the complexities of gender identity and the associated stigmas. CW:  Brief mention of Self-harm and Statistics on Suicide in LGBTQ youthFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Time stamps: 15:10 Finding common ground between parent and child16:16 Different ways of responding to a problem25:00 Creating a validating environment27:00 Buddhist meditation:  Have strong back and soft heart40:10 Feel the fear and do it anywaysLeslie-ism: Keep in mind advocacy starts at homeShow Note Links:Call 988 - Suicide and crisis hotline. Available 24 hours.  If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts.LGBTQ+ Resources https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ https://glaad.org/transgender/resources/https://thesafezoneproject.com/resources/vocabulary/Research on a validating environment for the well being of LGBTQ youthQuotes on Courage including Maya Angelou’sBrene Brown’s Strong Backs, Soft fronts + Wild Hearts on Unlocking Us PodcastStrong Back, Soft Heart meditation by Roshi Joan Halifax starting at 27:35 on Omega’s podcast.Handout on the Five Ways Solve to a Problem Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 2 of the 2 part series with Zach and Sarah.  Sarah and Zach are divorced co-parents of two children. They came to Leslie to talk about Andrew, their 16-year-old son who is withdrawn and struggling in school. Last session Leslie explored ways to approach Andrew with curiosity and compassion in order to connect with him. She touched on family dynamics and how Andrew may feel like an outsider in a family of high achievers. We’re going to dive more deeply into that today - how putting pressure on your child, intentionally or otherwise, can set them up for shame and anxiety. Having intense feelings like you are not good enough or that you can’t live up to your parents expectations (perceived or real) can cause major disruptions even when it's unintended by the parents.  Parenting is hard and we are all learning as we go. Sarah and Zach are dealing with very different issues with their two children.  Andrew’s withdrawn behavior can feel so invalidating to the parent who is trying hard. Parenting the challenging child as we hear in this episode, is not very validating because your child doesn’t tell you that you're doing a great job. Even though we all love getting the smile, the hug, and hearing the words, I love you, it's  NOT the child's job to validate you. Remember, they’re just trying to survive adolescence. Parenting is hard and so is being a teenager.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Time stamps:5:15 “Shoulding” your child is shaming your child8:05  Teaching parents to not work so hard8:14  Talking less.  Listen more to your kids.  Listen twice as much as you talk8:45 Nonverbal ways of connecting with your child8:53 Make simple observations. Use the phrase “I notice that” Connecting to your kid in simple little ways that don’t put them in the “hot seat”9:26 Say it and let it go10:01 Indirect ways of connecting: talk about yourself10:35 Be a real person12:35 Manage your expectations and don’t personalize what your teen says or what they do.15:50 Three Step Apology17:10 The core belief of shame and what that means26:54 Feel the fear and do it anyways:  People/children may not realize that the anxiety is often present when you are doing something new27:41 “Can you give yourself permission to….”28:25 “You must have a good reason for…” 34:18 Creative solution brainstorming with your child - Practice brainstorming without evaluation36:52 Shaping behavior - step by step successes.Leslie-ism: Practice listening to your child - We have two ears and one mouth - listen twice as much as you talk.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part one of a two part series with Zach and Sarah.  Zach and Sarah are co-parents of two children.  This series focuses on their 16 year old son Andrew who they describe as withdrawn, irritable, and “not engaged in life”.  His parents have been struggling to get him to complete tasks related to school, getting a job, and just basic things at home.  Leslie helps Zach and Sarah focus on the importance of connecting to Andrew as a foundation to trying to parent him successfully.  For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Time stamps:11:50 How adolescents who say "no" are asserting independence which is similar to toddlers15:46 Being a curious alien instead of fixing your child18:19 Living in your sibling's shadow25:30 Dialectic perspective of a situation.  Doing mind vs. being mind28:42 Learning to ride the wave of discomfort33:51 Looking at your child with a dialectical perspectiveLeslie-ism: Slow down and ask yourself what is the cost of the pressure that you may be putting on your childShow Note Links:I appeared as a guest on Slate’s Mom and Dad Are Fighting Podcast in two episodes..  In the first episode I join hosts, Zak Rosen and Jamilah Lemieux, and together we help a listener who’s worried that her daughter’s meltdowns might be a sign of depression.  In the second episode, Zak and Jamilah start by talking about lessons from therapy and how my podcast, Is My Child A Monster? Is helping make therapy advice and resources more accessible. Together we also help a listener whose kid pulled a disappearing act after a fight during family vacation.  Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

In today’s episode, Mary shares how her 4 year old son, Oliver seems to be struggling after the loss of his infant cousin. Oliver began to show signs of regression with bedtime during which he seems to experience high anxiety and fears. Sleep regression is normal and very understandable when dealing with something as big as death. Mary explains how Oliver is most open and communicative at bedtime. While it may seem intuitive to re-enforce this behavior so that Oliver continues to open up at bedtime, it's actually important to not keep reinforcing the behavior of doing this right before sleep.  Instead, keep the intention to connect to your child, but change the time and place for it.CW:  Brief mention of Infant Loss and DeathFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences on Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Community.Time stamps:7:35 Regression in your child’s sleep is normal when dealing with difficult times11:40 Common for kids to open up most around bedtime. Parenting can feel counterintuitive to stop your child from expressing themselves at bedtime and switch that openness to a different time of the day.16:40 The worry box or the worry tree26:03 Bedtime techniques/mindfulness practicesLeslie-ism: Help your child to understand: feelings come and feelings goHere are two books mentioned in this episode.Starbright:  Meditations for Children by Maureen GarthJibberwillies at Night by RachelVail (Author) and Yumi Heo (Illustrator) Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music.  Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the second skills focused episode of the season in which Leslie and Dale talk about the art of apologizing.  Leslie talks about The Three Step Apology and how it evolved into the technique it is today.  Dale shares her journey with apologies and how she went from feeling like apologizing was impossible to finding the power of apologizing as an adult.  She also shares how she went from a blaming child to a responsible adult taking ownership of her behavior. This conversation between mother and daughter, emphasizes the importance of apologizing and the specific parts of an effective apology.  They use examples to illustrate the impact that parents can have by apologizing to their children to model that behavior/skill. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences on Is My Child A Monster Parenting Community.Time stamps:4:33 A description of the Three Steps Apology10:45 Why so many adults have difficulty with apologizing16:23 Parents modeling apologies19:50 Children being hard on themselves for making a mistake21:03 Blaming instead of apologizing27:00  Apologies without behavior change lose meaning Leslie-ism:  Children can become responsible adults who know how to apologize when given the space to make mistakes.  Show Note Links:Three Step Apology A description of what the steps are and examples of how to use this skill..I would like to give a shout out to Simple Families podcast where I was a guest talking with Denaya Barahona, Phd. all about exposing our children to things they are afraid of, things that we are afraid of and much more.  Book Reference:  Janis Abrahms Spring How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not to    A well written book with practical advice about the power of forgiveness.  Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the final episode in the five part series with Kathryn. Kathryn shares how implementing some of her newly learned skills has been going.  Kathryn describes how these tricky conversations with her 17 year old daughter Bridgette have felt both satisfying and at times frustrating and where she is still feeling stuck.  Through role playing we take an indepth look at two examples. Leslie gives Kathryn some tips on how to communicate well, particularly when the topic of conversations is sensitive and might bring up some intense emotions.  These strategies for de-escalating polarizing conversations are key for effective communication.  An additional note:  Leslie is qualified to share parenting knowledge and also appears to be challenged by her counting skills.  Listen for when she confidently proclaims that “tell me more” is a two-word phrase.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit  https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences on Is My Child A Monster? Parenting CommunityTime stamps: 11:00 Role playing difficult conversation with daughter about drugs12:57 Leslie’s definition of a responsible child16:19 Emotion mind vs wise mind in difficult conversations18:24 Leslie describes new ways to consider a “time out” in a conversation21:05 The importance of timing in difficult conversationsLeslie-ism:  It's hard to be effective when you’re in Emotion Mind.  Pauses can be helpful..Show Note Links:A video that demonstrates how validation/active listen can de-escalate conflicts    Everybody Loves Raymond Uses Active Listening  A handout  on how to de-escalate a conversation   10 Tips for Difficult Conversations  "Setting up anxious kids for long term success" is the title of the episode where Leslie Cohen-Rubury is a guest on Well Hello Anxiety  with Dr Jodi Richardson Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part four of the five part series. Kathryn and Leslie meet for a fourth time to continue to work on her relationship with her 17 year old daughter Bridgette. In this session, Kathryn describes the event that led to a break in trust between her and Bridgette. Leslie introduces The Three Step Apology skill to help guide Kathryn in repairing her relationship with her daughter. This skill is meant to replace the kind of apologies that have an unintentional element of blame and shame. Kathryn demonstrates the vulnerability and practice that's needed when trying to learn and implement this new skill. It's noteworthy that Kathryn was willing to make the apology first. No matter what age they are, children continue to imitate our behavior. Kathryn’s apology will model for Bridgette how to repair relationships throughout her life. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit  https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences on Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Community.Time stamps: 5:10  Reinforcing skills.  Giving partial credit when learning skills in order to build mastery and reduce shame8:32 Description of betrayal event14:37 Description of Three Step Apology20:45 Why parents get overwhelmed when dealing with their child’s issues - bringing up the past23:55 Role Play of  practicing the Three Step Apology with KathrynLeslie-ism: Find an opportunity to apologize to your child for your part in a conflict. You may be pleasantly surprised at the response you get from your child. Show Note Links:Three Step Apology A description of what the steps are and examples of how to use this skill..Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Children breaking rules is nothing new in the world of parenting.  Teens breaking rules is almost a given.  In this third part of the five part series, Kathryn is eager to learn how to set limits with her 17 year old daughter Bridgette. Trying to set limits with a child who seems like they have no limits may feel like an impossible task. But there are ways to do it. Even though the terminology of a dialectic perspective is not used in this episode, it is very much employed in the conversation. Leslie takes a dialectic approach with Kathryn in two ways during this episode. First, she begins by balancing the parent’s limits and the teen’s limits.  Leslie also differentiates between limits and boundaries.  Second, Leslie counterbalances the fear that parents often have when dealing with the problematic behaviors of their children.  Children often feel “my parents don't understand me”, or “my parents only focus on what I'm doing wrong and they don't see what I'm doing well”. This schism can be the root of conflict and potentially damaging to your child's mental health. As parents, holding the dialectic perspective means embracing both your child's skills and strengths as well as their problematic behaviors. As in Kathryn’s first two sessions, this episode has a lot of mature themes and contains adult language that may not be suitable for all audiences. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences on Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Community.Time stamps: (rough estimates based on rough cut)6:04 Assessing skills of your child before setting limits10:13 Having a balanced view of your child: their strengths and weaknesses14:18 Generational shame and how it impacts you and your child15:58 Defining limits vs boundaries and personal limits vs child’s limits28:08 How to have tough conversations with your kids. Leslie-ism: Take the time to notice your child’s strengths, not just their problematic behavior. Show Note Links:Understanding  the Three Dialectic Dilemmas in the Adolescent-Parent RelationshipResources:If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, sexual assaults  or other mental health issues there are resources available for you. National Sexual assault hotline 800-656-HOPE (4763)National Substance Abuse Hotline 866-210-1303Substance abuse and mental health administration 1-800-662-HELP  (4357)National Alliance of Mental Illness 212-684-3264Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.