Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

This is part two in the five part series with Kathryn.  As we heard in the first part of this series, Kathryn’s 17 year old daughter Bridgette is making decisions around sex, drugs, and alcohol that deeply concern her mother. Karthyn is frustrated, fearful, overwhelmed, and unsure how to best parent her daughter. In this episode Kathryn shares her experience of putting “the curious alien” technique into practice.  As many parents experience, the advice from the so-called experts sounded great on paper but when put into practice, she found that it didn’t have the immediate impact: her daughter still shut down.  Since this is so frustrating for parents, in this session Leslie and Kathryn learn to have the difficult but necessary conversations with her daughter through role-playing.  Role playing the curious alien showed her how to talk to her daughter in a way that will lead to mutual respect, connection and honesty.  For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences on Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Community.Time stamps:6:37 Role playing The Curious Alien - Take 18:07 Planting a seed. Being patient with skills you implement knowing that they may take time to see results.9:00 Role playingThe Curious Alien -Take 221:05 Recognizing “whose problem is it” so that we don’t personalize the issue and become defensive. 22:42 Using validation and questions, rather than accusatory statements, to make “Curious Alien” strategy more effective. Curious Alien should be a validating tool and create connection.Leslie-ism: In order to connect with your child, practice being a curious alien.Show Note Links:Handout on Whose Problem Is It? when you are trying to solve a problem with your childResources:If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, sexual assaults  or other mental health issues there are resources available for you. National Sexual assault hotline 800-656-HOPE (4763)National Substance Abuse Hotline 866-210-1303Substance abuse and mental health administration 1-800-662-HELP  (4357)National Alliance of Mental Illness 212-684-3264Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the first episode in a five part series with Kathryn.  She's been struggling to deal with the roller coaster ride of parenting her 17 year old daughter, Bridgette. Bridgette has been making what most parents might consider risky choices.  Her choices surrounding sex and drugs has her mother extremely concerned and feeling unsure of how to best to parent her. She is afraid for her daughter’s safety and is feeling overwhelmed and panicked. This episode unpacks the complex issues underlying Bridgette’s behavior. Leslie looks at  how effective communication can support their relationship and will focus on questions such as: How do you establish a judgment-free line of communication with your teen?  How do you parent a child whose personality is unlike your own? How do you help your child navigate decision-making without imposing your own beliefs and judgements? Look for the answers to these questions and more in this episode of Is My Child A Monster?Time Stamps9:06  Raising our children will challenge us in ways that give us the opportunity to grow as people16:22 Begin where your child is16:55 An example of nonjudgmental language to open lines of communication.  Say what you see18:30  Be the curious alien - zoom out, zoom in depending on what you are dealing with.23:22  Parenting by the Paradox - Giving children the room to make mistakes27:06  Parenting is so much about the FIT between the parent and the child28:53 When does it work, when does it not work - A way to look at those qualities that drive you nutsLeslie-ism - The best insurance against life’s hardships for your child is the quality of your relationshipShow Note Links:Handout on Understanding the Importance of the "Fit" between Parent and ChildBook reference: Kathryn spoke about a book that she was reading:  Girls & Sex:  Navigating the Complicated New Landscape by Peggy OrensteinIf you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, sexual assaults  or other mental health issues there are resources available for you. National Sexual assault hotline 800-656-HOPE (4763)National Substance Abuse Hotline 866-210-1303Substance abuse and mental health administration 1-800-662-HELP  (4357)National Alliance of Mental Illness 212-684-3264

This episode is a change in our typical format where parents share their struggles and challenges in therapy sessions recorded live.  Instead, we focus on the skill of building mastery which we spoke about in a previous episode.  After listening to that episode and reading Leslie's newsletter, Leslie's daughter Dale, who is also a producer on this podcast, suggested a conversation about their personal journey building mastery.  This is an inside look at Leslie as a mother using skills to help her anxious daughter. This episode is also a unique opportunity to hear these parenting skills from the child’s perspective.   About the guest: Dale Rubury is Leslie’s daughter, a producer of this podcast. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she is currently building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety. Show Note. LinksYoutube Video  Building Mastery Skill For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram.  Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.This week's Leslie-ism: It's important to practice being comfortable in an uncomfortable situation, especially when you are bearing witness to someone else’s pain.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

In this final session, both Tim and Natasha describe a shift in their relationship with their 6 yr old daughter Rosie. Leslie reinforces these changes and continues to work on shifting the conversation away from focusing on the negative. Instead, Leslie looks below the surface of behaviors to identify strengths of the child that may be less obvious.  All children have a need to be understood and seen for who they are.  Children with ADHD have many challenges, including getting hyper-focused and having trouble shifting from one activity to another.  Understanding who your child is and helping them understand who they are reduces the blame and increases effective parenting. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram.  Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.Key Time Stamps:03:57 “Can you give yourself permission to…” Use this when blaming shows up04:35 The cycle of blaming. Be careful of reinforcing the blaming behavior06:13 A Problematic Thinking Pattern is to focus only on the negatives and disqualifying the positive09:38 Go below the surface to get at what's underlying a behavior11:18 Help your child express themselves accurately13:13 Hyperfocus is a common behavior of the ADHD child18:00 Using Kinesthetic awareness, touch and compression as tools for the ADHD child21:35 Strategy for shifting - move your body, move your mind (and your attention)22:30 The value of movement and touch for ADHD24:40 Executive functioning strategy of breaking down big projects into small achievable stepsThis week's Leslie-ism: Can you give yourself permission to …  Make a mistake, to forget your toys, feel uncomfortableShow Note Links:A blog exploring Understanding Why Children BlameUnderstanding and examples of Problematic thinking patterns A blog exploring The Need to be Heard and Understood  Click here for more info about Contact ImprovisationCredits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This episode with Tim and Natasha and their 6-year-old daughter Rosie focuses on the reality of actually implementing the parenting skills they've learned in the previous two sessions.  And the reality is it's often trickier than it seems and requires lots of patience.  It's easy to get triggered by the frustration of not seeing immediate results with your kid, and so this episode discusses multiple strategies for identifying and dealing with those reactive emotions when parenting.  For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.Key Time Stamps:04:36    Check the facts -Don’t believe everything you think09:30    STOP skill13:15    Prompting event - what event (thought, feeling or action) leads you to feeling an uncomfortable feeling or emotion mind14:19    Time management - a challenge for the ADHD child15;28    Discussion of vulnerability 16:28   Cup of Enoughness - measure of your vulnerabilities19:37    Giving yourself permission…(to feel frustrated)23:30      How we inadvertently shame our children This Week's Leslie-ism: Can you give yourself permission…(to make a mistake)Show Note Links:Define Prompting Events and Finding Other InterpretationsCup of enoughness videoS.T.O.P Skill Book References:Don't Shoot the Dog! : The  Art of Teaching and Training by Karen Pryor Keep Your Head Up by Aliya King and Charly Palmer Children’s bookVideo of a read-aloudEpisode Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury

This is part 2 of the 4 part series with Tim and Natasha who share their concerns and challenges with their 6-year-old daughter Rosie. This episode discusses how Tim and Natasha’s own childhood experiences and their personalities affect how they in turn parent their own child.  Tim and Natasha both feel strongly about not repeating what their own parents modeled.  It’s  harder than you think, to not impose your own issues into parenting.  And it doesn’t help that children often and easily make the interpretation that they are BAD.  Children can feel invalidated when that is not the intention of their parents.  And its not only the child that can feel badly about themselves.  Parents can also feel judged or struggle to feel good enough as a parent.  Takeaways from this session:6:09 Use the expression - when does this work for you and when does this not work for you7:03 Practice being dialectic - use two hands when helping the child become aware of what’s happening inside themselves and what’s happening outside of them.  7:37 Slow down when dealing with your child. It helps you and it helps them7:56 Playing the Other-Interpretation-Game. 8:49 S.T.O.P. Skill14:25  Telling a child what to do, rather than telling your child what not to do. 17:32 Clarifying the intention of communication 21:05 Being responsible as the adult for your own anger (children don’t make us angry, that’s how you respond to whatever they are doing)21:50 The three states of mind - Emotion Mind, Wise Mind, Reasonable Mind24:30  Shoulding our children is shaming them - Example of shaming statement31:50 It is very common for children to feel like they are bad - that’s shame.Beware of the shame-blame game.  32:50 Using the line:  That’s a feeling not a factLESLIE-ISM  Every quality or behavior we have works for us some of the time and doesn’t work some of the time. Whether it is being loud or doing nothing, there are two sides of the coin for each behavior or quality that we have.  Ask yourself and ask your child:  When does this work for you and when does it not work for youShow Note LinksAn overview of What Dialectic Behavior TherapyThree States of Mind STOP SkillFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiencesCredits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contribute

This is part one of the four-part series with Tim and Natasha. In today's episode, we meet Tim and Natasha whose 6-year-old daughter, Rosie, is exhibiting ADHD behaviors in school and at home. Leslie challenges Tim and Natasha to shift their perspective and understanding of their child’s “problematic” behaviors. Feeling confused about how to interpret your child’s behavior is a common feeling of being a parent. What’s “normal” behavior and what is an actual “problem”? This therapy session takes us on an inside look at family dynamics and family patterns as we explore these topics. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.Key Time Stamps:1:08 Discerning between when a normal behavior is a problem and when a problem behavior is normal8:36  Which are you? Slow vs quick recovery from emotional situations11:45 Brief explanation of multiple intelligence theory15:25 Dealing transitions and shifting attention18:27 Balancing between respecting who she is and helping her deal with limits19:25 Managing expectations about the same behaviors at different ages20:51 Building a muscle of mindfulness23:23 Managing expectations about the time needed for children to develop these skills24:17 Behaviorism and nonverbal cueing for changing behaviorShow Note Links:Click here for more information about the BioSocial TheoryBook Reference:Howard Gardener: Multiple Intelligence TheoryCredits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part three of the three part series with Michelle and Emiliano. In this final session, Leslie coaches them to empower their 10-year-old daughter to become an expert on her own anxiety. For highly anxious and sensitive children, a fun overnight school field trip can feel like a looming nightmare.  Parenting children through their anxieties when they are very heightened can be troubling and upsetting for the parents as well.  Listen as we unpack the phrase: feel the fear and do it anyway.  Join us today as Michelle and Emiliano ask the question over and over again about how much to push and how much to give in.  A question parents and caregivers come up against.Finding ways to expose our children to what makes them anxious in a way that allows them to build up their confidence that they can feel anxious AND do it anyways.  Repeatedly exposing your child to uncomfortable situations and helping them push through and succeed will help them towards the path of mastery. Sometimes we may need to think outside the box and get creative in order to find that balance of exposing them but not pushing them too far outside their ability and skill level.We don’t want to throw our child into the deep end of a pool without the skills to swim.  But we also don’t want to avoid the pool all together. This is when we need to balance the art of parenting with the science of parenting. The science in parenting teaches us to develop a hierarchy of step-by-step exposures when conquering a fear. The art of parenting is knowing who your child is and creatively brainstorming the steps to help THEM feel safe and ready to take risks. I want to thank Michelle and Emilliano for showing up in this final episode in the 3 part series.  See you next time with new parents sharing their challenges.  Disclaimer:  Exposure therapy is a formal therapeutic treatment modality. I am suggesting that raising children with an informal approach to exposures helps build a sense of accomplishment as well as self-confidence in your child.  Parents do this naturally in raising children but understanding what you are doing and having a name for what you are doing is more likely that you can use the tool more effectively. Show Note Links:Youtube Video “The Nervous Guy Sings'' as an example of when we can be anxious and do it anyways. Youtube Video  Building Mastery Skill For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media.  Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly.  Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part two in a three-part series with guests Michelle and Emiliano, whose 10-year-old daughter struggles with severe anxiety. In this session, Leslie reviews the skills from session one to figure out what did and didn’t work to help manage Willow’s anxiety. In this episode, we look at the relationship between parents’ behaviors and the unintended consequences that impact their children and can contribute to things like separation anxiety. Toward the end of this session Leslie “hits a nerve”  In other words, she asks some tough questions about the impact of parents’ well-intended actions.  Listen as Michelle and Emiliano show us their vulnerability and model what growing as parents can look like.We live in a society where we expect immediate results. Many parents have the same expectation about raising children.  Spoiler alert: parenting is a long-term investment process.  In this session Michelle and Emiliano share that some of the skills they used had immediate results — that feels good to all parents.  And some skills didn’t get immediate results — that’s the hard part.  Hang in there. Have faith in the process. Certain skills don’t show immediate change but under the surface, they are making an impact and will have long-term positive resultsTo learn more: Dialectics:  What is it? And A How-to-GuideHandout on Breathing Mindfulness ExercisesBook References:Our Children Will Raise Us Edited by Eden Steinberg — A compilation of EssaysDon’t Shoot The Dog by Karen Pryor —  This is a good resource for understanding behaviorism For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram.  Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and website design by Brien O'Reilly.  Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part one in a three-part series. Michelle and Emiliano have a 10-year-old daughter with extreme anxiety and panic attacks. In our first full episode, Leslie sits down with these parents to strategize ways to help Willow with her sleep difficulties, school anxiety, and panic attacks when faced with new situations. This session explores the causes that are underlying these behaviors, and Leslie goes over practical skills to help parents manage their children’s anxieties. In today’s session, Michelle and Emiliano shared many stories of how sensitive their daughter Willow has been throughout her life. This is a family of highly sensitive people.  Their life choices of sending Willow to a small school, living in the countryside, and their human-rights work careers, support this fact. These all too often missed biological family traits should not be ignored when trying to understand your child.  The old adage the apple doesn’t fall from the tree is relevant when parenting.To learn more about these skills:Three States of Mind Misbehavior is a Form of CommunicationBook Mentioned:The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting Your High Need Child From Birth to Age Five by William Sears, MD, and Martha Sears, RNFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work and join the conversation about this episode on Facebook and Instagram.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and website design byBrien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.