Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

Kids are not the only ones who are controlling and trying to get what they want. As parents we do the same thing.  We really want what we want and we act in controlling ways to achieve those ends. This is the second session with Sarah, mother of 2 boys, 12 year old James and 15 year old Noah where we explore topics, including when one sibling tries to parent the other, when children feel responsible for their parents’ emotions, how to let our kids make mistakes and how to be a less controlling parent. Time Stamps4:55  Words with strong negative connotation - Negotiation, control and dictating - 5:35 reframed as giving our child personal power with a voice and agency.  This is respect if you change your perspective 6:15 Finding the middle ground vs Finding a synthesis7:04 When your child likes to negotiate…let them have the last word7:10-13:40  Role play - A one way conversation vs a two way conversationOne way conversation works when the child is likely to be dysregulatedTwo way conversation works when we both want to share our ideas and perspectives13:32 Sometimes we need to accept that our child is going to have their big emotions15:50 Validation and reflect back and appreciate the positive in your child’s behaviorParents often miss when a child is being respectful19:35 When the child worries about disappointing the parent and acts like a “good kid” to prevent you from getting upset. This is how a child tries to take care of the parent21:40 Children often worry more about their parents being upset than the sibling being dysregulated22:14 Assume that your child may be carrying a burden and ask them directly if that may be true 24: 50 Role play with validation27:08 When someone escalates, they probably feel invalidated. Validate in order de-escalate the child’s emotions28:15  Keep it short and sweet.  Say LESS - listen twice as much as we speak32:00 If you say or do something that you are not happy with, own it. Own your own reactions and ask for a redo33:59 The antidote to controlling your child is to practice acceptance of the moment35:49 Sarah’s own advice “in the uncomfortable is where we learn36:11 Learning to be less controlling is letting your our children make mistakes or have their feelingsResources:  Leslei’s Handout on a Dialectic SynthesisLeslie’s Video on Listening to Your Own AdviceLeslie-ism: “In the uncomfortable is where we learn” by SarahFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support

Welcome to the first mini-bonus episode where I focus on one or two key concepts or skills in a conversation with my producer Alletta Cooper. Every once in a while we will add one of these bonus episodes to further explain a concept/skill that came up in the previous session.   In this episode I explore and explain what the parent-child fit is and why it is so important.  In parenting, there are often conflicting needs and wants. Navigating these dilemmas and finding solutions is critical for creating a validating environment which fosters a "good" parent-child fit.Time Stamps1:48 Defining the parent-child fit 3:21 The “goodness” of fit vs the “poor” fit4:03 Creating a safe environment for the child to feel safe, feel capable, feel seen4:45 Balancing between accepting your child vs changing your child6:34 Figuring out what works to validate everyone’s needs6:44 Respect = creating a validating environment6:58 An example of unintentionally creating an invalidating environment8:30 A dialectic dilemma is the tension between expectations or needs8:40 The synthesis is the solution to the dilemma9:10 Name it for the child that they may be different but not bad!10:38 Asking parents to open their eyes to ALL of their children, not just the child with the disruptive behaviors11:57 - 16:08  Steps to create a good parent-child fitThis is called the bio-social fit - a transactional modelLook at biological make up your childLook at the environment (the parent, the teacher, the classroom)Acknowledge the differences without judgementValidate, validate, validateUse flexible thinking  and problem-solving including BrainstormingBalance between acceptance and change Be creative in your solutionsRespect, connect and collaborate with your childResources:  Leslie’s Handout: Understanding the Parent Child FitLeslie-ism: Remember to respect, connect and collaborate with your childFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Welcome to Season 3!  We start this season off with a family from Australia.  Sarah is a mom of 2 boys- James is 12, Noah is 15, Sarah and her husband are both ex-military personnel which has a direct impact on their parenting.  In today’s episode we discuss how Sarah’s parenting style matches with James who has been recently diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Many parents can  probably relate to Sarah who tween is a really good negotiator especially when it comes to getting off video games. We explore the big picture concept of the parent-child fit. I also discuss and teach practical skills including setting the stage, coping ahead, and brainstorming to support Sarah in her parenting. Time Stamps6:18 How a parent feels when a child is defiant:7:30 When a parent is works on rules and boundaries and command and your child doesn’t work that way8:55  Children who work well with predictability and structure like knowing what will happen and when it will happen and how it's going to happen.10:30 Sarah changes her words from “his emotional regulation problems” to emotional regulation that is still developing11:36 Raising an obedient child is different from raising a responsible child11:41- 14:40 1When a parent thinks that a child’s behavior is a reflection of them (personalizing their behavior) and which leads to mom-guilt17:00 When parents get diagnosis for their child and when they fear how their child will respond to a diagnosis18:32 Describing the concept of a “good fit” between the child and the parent as well as the child and its school environment20:42 The difference between a validating environment and an invalidating environment23:49   Turn the volume down on the  “shoulds” and increase the volume up on the learning. What have I learned from this?  - A learning model of raising kids26:55 When your child is an avid gamer and the challenges associated with it.28:35 Describing a skill called “Setting the Stage” - prepare your child for what is likely to happen and how they will respond vs how they want to respond30:50 An example of using the brainstorming skill34:47 Don’t judge the big emotional reactions, just plan for it35:50 A description of the Cope Ahead Skill (from Dialectic Behavior Therapy) 38:10 Practicing skills over and over again is what makes them effective39:00 Parenting is a long-term investment Resources:  Leslie’s Handout: Understanding the Parent Child FitLeslie’s Handout: Misbehavior is a form of communicationLeslie’s Handout: Raising a Responsible Child vs Raising an Obedient Child                     Dialectic Behavior Therapy Cope Ahead Skill HandoutLeslie-ism: Take a look at your parent-child fit,For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produ

Help us shape Season 3 of Is My Child A Monster?! For the first time ever we’re doing a listener survey. You have the opportunity to tell us what you love —or would love less of — on Is My Child A Monster! The anonymous survey should take less than 10 minutes, and you’re welcome to answer as much or as little as you like. We’d love your thoughts even if you’ve never listened, help us understand why! Or maybe this is a good time to check out an episode. Click here to fill out the survey.Visit ismychildamonster.com  to:subscribe to my newsletterfill out an application to be a parent volunteer on the podcast complete the short survey to help us 

Do you need feedback? Of course you do. We all do! But giving and receiving feedback whether it's from or to your child or co-parent can be challenging. Feedback can often feel like criticism and can even feel invalidating. This episode is all about giving and receiving feedback skillfully so that you or the other person doesn’t become defensive or shut down. Today’s episode welcomes back Leslie’s daughter Dale Rubury who shares how she moved from the defensive stance as a child to the open and willing stance as an adult.  Time Stamps:3:18 Feedback is part of communication in all kinds of relationship3:55 Defining Feedback as nonjudgmental information about their behavior that is intended to help someone grow7:49 Why is feedback so important 9:00 The person receiving feedback has complete power over HOW they receive it9:07 What is RODBT? Radically Open Dialectic Behavior Therapy Fact Sheet12:55 The faith of parenting means you believe that the child heard you16:18 Why some kids have more difficulty getting feedback than others19:05 In public some kids will receive feedback differently than when they are at home. It may be known as masking (click here for more information)21:18 Notice and name their reaction21:25 "Did i just say something was invalidating to you"22:20 Watch out when the child gives feedback to you the parent23:30 It’s the parent’s job to model receiving feedback for the child24:33 Give kids time and space to learn to accept feedback27:40 “Is this a good time to give you feedback?”33:03 Use the metaphor of a buffet37:49 Tips on receiving feedback38:34 Recovering from invalidation40:19 Not everything has to be processed, sometimes it’s healthier to let some things goResources:  Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? PodcastRadically Open DBT Fact SheetLeslie’s Video:  Stop Repeating YourselfLeslie’s Newsletter on I-Must-Have-Done-Something-Wrong StreetLeslie-ism: Growing as a parent is about being open to new ideas, open to learning, and open to feedback.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special

Exposure to books makes a big difference for children. Reading not only fosters cognitive and emotional development but also builds closeness and routines. This week, Leslie spoke to author Deborah Farmer Kris about her experience as a teacher and parent, highlighting the unique needs of each child and the intellectual and emotional challenges of parenting. Kris also promotes the use of public libraries and simple, consistent reading routines. Kris's books, including those in the "All the Time" series, aim to teach emotional literacy and provide caregiver tips. She stresses that being a stable, caring adult is crucial for a child's resilience and well-being.About our guest: Deborah Farmer Kris is a parent educator, journalist, and children’s book author.  Deborah has written for CNN, PBS KIDS, NPR, The Washington Post, the Boston Globe Magazine, and Oprah Daily. She is an advisor for the PBS KIDS show “Carl the Collector,” and is wrapping up edits on a parenting book, called “Raising Awe Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Can Help Our Kids Thrive.” She also founded the parenting website Parenthood365Time Stamps9:50 Cascading benefits of reading aloud- many cognitive benefits12:15 Building memories, building routines13:50 Creating a literacy rich environmentDeveloping a context for understanding the world around youBuilding routine establishes a sense of groundedness15:13 Libraries are under utilized which are free and public19:20 Creative ways to bring books into the lives of children22:40 Comprehension is higher than one’s ability to read25:50 Books can teach emotional literacy30:43 “I notice….” is a phrase you can use to open the door to communication33: 20 Books have a therapeutic effect on children and adults alikeUsing children’s books to teach therapeutic concepts. For example “Quick as a Cricket” teaches about our many parts and a dialectic perspective36:07 Harvard ‘s research study on resilience in children found that it boils down to one factor: the presence of one stable, caring adult in their life. Resources:To Learn more about Deborah Farmer Kris visit her Parenthood 365 Website Click here to get Deborah Farmer Kris’ fabulous books for emotional literacyLeslie List of Children's Book for Developing Emotional LiteracyA Video made by Leslie about How to use Books as Conversation StartersHarvard University: The Center for the Developing Child’s Research on ResilienceLeslie-ism: Try to find 10 minutes a day to read to your childFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper,  AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-R

An unspoken agreement with parents raising children is that they will be on the same page and they will be a united front. But that is often easier said than done. In part 3 of our 3 part series with Mary, her husband Antoine joins us to discuss what happens when they disagree, how it affects their 6 year old Oliver, and what they’re doing to make sure they come back together in healthy ways.Time Stamps7:34 What does “being on the same page” mean to you?9:51 What does it mean when your child picks up that you are two different people, with two different personalities12:42 For some people, harmony is necessary for the nervous system15:56 Parents might be comfortable with conflict, and your child might need extra reassurance that you’re okay18:43 It’s okay to give children a sense of control in the situation22:03 Start having your child become aware of their level of discomfort - check in with them, and have them name it22:40 An incredible lesson for a child: I’m uncomfortable, and I can handle it25:50 In uncomfortable moments, prepare the family to brave the storm, and that it will passSometimes we need to table arguments to have them away from children, but it is beneficial for children to see their parents arguing; it can be damaging to only see harmony/”perfection”30:46 Learning to “fight fair”34:28 Repair is incredibly important for children to witness34:40 Ideas of mutual respect and benefit of the doubt40:40 Definition of radical acceptance44:29 Idea that we can be different and still respect each other’s ways; you’re respecting your individual differences45:49 What do tolerating differences look like?Resources:  Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? PodcastTime Out: Resolving Family Conflicts available in both English and SpanishRules on Fighting Fair provided by Therapist AidLeslie-ism: Mutual respect is key for repairing relationship rupturesFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Sometimes there’s nothing more frustrating than dealing with a frustrated child. In part 2 of our 3 part series with Mary, mother of six-year-old Oliver and a newborn baby James, Leslie explores just how exhausting being stuck in the frustration loop with your child can be—and how to break out of it. They also get into bedtime, setting limits, and parenting guilt. Time Stamps0:36 Low frustration tolerance3:03 Letting go of expectations is about accepting the moment in order to move forward. Remember: it’s supposed to be hard11:54 “I need him to” is a dangerous thing to say23:09 The tough job of being a parent23:12 Bearing witness to your child’s discomfort or pain23:19 The guilt of doing it good enough23:47 The definition of guilt; we don’t need the extra burden of it25:36 When to give in, when to ignore and when to set limits - these are confusing choices all parents face.30:41 Assessing is important: there’s a cause for all behavior33:13 Kids may need to be active to actually calm down their neurological system before bed: compression, getting wrapped up in a blanket, hugging a teddy bear, etc39:25 Allow the misbehavior to communicate what’s going on39:47 Take a guess at why your child misbehaved:  scared of nightmares, not wanting to end the day, feeling stimulated in his body and need to release tension of the day, wanting to be closer to mom.Leslie-ism:  Learn as you go, learn from the past, and learn from mistakes. Resources:Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? PodcastLeslie's Video of Using the STOP Skill to Deal with a Low Frustration ToleranceFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Dealing with change can sometimes feel like ripping off a bandaid. Change is stressful, whether you are five or 55; and people respond to those changes in all different ways. And it is especially challenging when you are someone who likes structure, order, and predictability. In today’s episode Leslie explores this topic with Mary.  We met Mary last season when she was seeking support around grief and sleep for her then four-year-old-son, Oliver. Things have changed in Oliver's world, and that's why Mary’s back. The past year has been full of transitions and adjustments for Oliver and his family. Starting a new school year and having a new baby in the home are some of those changes that most parents can relate to. Time Stamps4:37 Change is the only constant and children respond to those changes in many different ways. School, new siblings, caregivers all create change in family life.8:13 Assess your child’s behavior as they respond to changes12:04 Adjustments can feel scary, frustrating or full of unknowns12:53 Reestablishing his sense of safety, connection and groundedness16:60 Parents want things to go right, and be right.  Adjustments are often “messy moments”17:15 Buddhist phrase:  no mud, no lotus19:18 The child needs validation AND the parent needs validation, and that’s so hard20:30 Anxiety often underlies the No’s, the opposition, the resistance, and the rigidity21:27 Don’t ask WHY questions.  Make a few statements to choose from22:10 For nail biting, avoid saying “don’t do that” and instead suggest what else the child can do with their hands.26:57 Part of a parent’s job is to guide their child through the unknown31:57 When your child says “no,” unpack that no with them. YES AND approach for the child who doesn’t want to hear a NO32:40 Teach your child that feelings come and go. Create anchors for the anxious child37:15 Help your child Balance out the knowns and the unknowns, the predictable and the unpredictable. Leslie-ism: You can be an anchor for your child in the sea of change. ResourcesSign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? PodcastWell Hello Anxiety Podcast episode with Luke Beardon who discusses anxiety for neurodivergent kidsNo Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering by Thich Nhat HanhA visual graphic explaining the Window of Tolerance by NICAMBArticle on Window of Tolerance by mindmypeelingsLeslie’s Blog posting on Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Three States of MIndFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on 

Having a roadmap to deal with your child’s Intense emotions and behaviors sounds like a great idea. Oftentimes when parents reach out for professional help, they want changes and they want them NOW. But instant results are not always the reality of raising children. On today’s episode Leslie has a conversation with bestselling author and educator Dayna Abraham about raising neurodivergent children and offering listeners a roadmap that can help. We also focus on making sure our kids don’t grow up feeling “badly” about themselves even if they do feel different by creating changes in their home environmentAbout our guest Dayna Abraham:Dayna Abraham, bestselling author of Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids. As a National Board Certified educator, parent of three neurodivergent children, and an ADHD adult herself, Dayna brings a unique and out-of-the-box perspective to parents raising kids in the modern world. Time Stamps6:08 Dayna Abraham’s abbreviated professional life story10:00 The Roadmap framework: (Venn Diagram - The YOU Piece, Connection, Understanding, Empowerment12:55 Description of Stages - Stages 1,2,3 set the foundation when you are in the eye of the storm14:07 How to recoup energy15:10 Putting ideas into practical examples21:47 Determining when is a good time to push your child, and when to back off.24:01 Work smarter not harder; sometimes kids just need to feel understood28:49 Modeling flexible thinking for your child 29:20 Kids don’t have meta-cognition, so it helps to “think out loud”29:43 Before you can self-regulate, you have to be self-aware. Kids learn self-awareness through the adults around them30:58 Parents cannot expect results overnight; need to focus on themselves and their patience32:06 Start with what we can control: ourselves36:22 If raising a neurodivergent child, adjust your timeline and adjust your expectations38:08 You’re exactly the parent your child needsLeslie-ism: The first step to help yourself and your child is to ride out the storm. Show Note LInks:Danya Abraham’s WebsiteHer podcast: www.calmthechaospodcast.com.Her Book: CALM THE CHAOS: A Failproof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids Article by Child Mind Institute What is NeurodiversityIs My Child A Monster? Episode with Special Guest Dr. Liz Angoff: A conversation about Neurodivergent childrenHandout by Dr. Liz Angoff - ​​Two Sides of a Coin of having a Neurodivergent BrainSign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast