“How can my child be a rule follower if they always say no to the family rules?” Leslie often catches parents off guard by suggesting that their child may actually be a rule follower. In this episode, Leslie has a conversation with her daughter Dale about what it’s like to grow up as a rule follower. In this episode Leslie and Dale explore the many traits that are often associated with the rule-following child such as perfectionism and intense focus on fairness. Assessing whether you or your child is a rule-follower may not be so obvious but may be critically important to understanding their behavior and ways of thinking. This conversation pulls back the curtain on what really goes on in the mind of the rule-following child.Time Stamps2:40 The importance of knowing your child and knowing what it means to be a rule follower3:37 What “rule-followers” get out of following the rules10:07 Being careful not to reinforce the child’s need to do everything perfectly10:36 Helping your children practice being uncomfortable17:56 The need for flexible thinking26:12 Keep an eye out for when a child has an obsession with fairness29:12 Advice for parents who have children who are rigid rule followersShow Note Links:Free virtual Q&A with Leslie August 21st, 8 PM EST“Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol DweckLeslie-ism: Flexible thinking takes practice.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

It’s no secret that parenting is a challenge. We want our children to be happy, and it can be difficult to see them upset or hurting. Leslie has been working through this with Hannah and Alex, parents of three year old Paxton, who’ve returned for their third and final session. Together they reinforce the changes they’ve already implemented with Paxton, like correcting habits and communicating clearly. Leslie also shows them how they’re setting Paxton up for success now when it comes to very adult things like handling disappointment and pain. Hannah and Alex have also begun communicating their emotions more clearly, adopting the “emotion mind” language with each other, which in turn helps model it for Paxton. Time Stamps5:30 Using Logic with someone in Emotion Mind usually doesn’t work (at any age)6:20 Address issues, validate feelings, and move on (without bringing it up over and over)7:03 Extinction burst - why behaviors tend to get worse before they get better8:33 Teach kids early that they can handle disappointment10:54 How to reinforce manners without giving in every time a child asks for something “nicely”15:30 Life can be hard when you are a rule follower20:04 Short-term gratification can cause children to always want more, more, more20:38 Practice delayed gratification Even if you don’t get the short-term results you want keep exposing your child to new foods and new activities24:25 Practice communicating with your partner about being in emotion-mind31:01 To promote flexible thinking and Dialectic thinking use “and” instead of “but”37:34 You can’t protect your child from the pains of life, and the greatest gift you can give them is the ability to know that they can handle that pain39:03 Review an event in the past is for the purpose of learning, not for re-experiencing.  Ask something like  “what do you think would work for you next time?”Show Note LinksThree States of MindReacting vs RespondingYoutube channel videos on BehaviorismHow to increase wanted behaviors How to shape behaviorsHow to decrease unwanted behaviorsLeslie-ism: When your urge is to react, take a pause and then choose to respond. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

There are many reasons why children feel uncomfortable. And when your child is uncomfortable you as the parent often feel uncomfortable. This week we’re back with Hannah and Alex for their second session, who have come to Leslie about their three year old son Paxton. These parents are vulnerable with Leslie when they speak about how hard it is for them to say no to Paxton when he wants something. They also admit that they regret some of the parenting choices they’ve made with Paxton, and fear that they are responsible for some of their son’s habits. Hindsight is hindsight. The focus of the session is about figuring out what to do now in the present time. But these parents are committed to growing and changing and Leslie is there for them every step of the way.Time Stamps3:24 Parents feel amazing when they do the hard work of taking technology out of the bedtime routine7:40 Remember to reintroduce skills or foods or ideas at a later time8:10 Commitment is necessary to  make change - and it provides the motivation9:17 Creativity is great when it comes to food issues : how you serve it, when you serve it, what you serve, where you serve it11:58 Dialectic perspective - honor and respect your partner’s perspective 13:55 Giving in to the short term relief at the expense of long term gains. Especially when our children are struggling 18:40 Parents can always look back and say, “I should have done it differently,” but parents shouldn’t shame themselves when they are doing the best they can with the skills they had at the time.25:13 How should we as parents engage with our child’s big emotions; be careful to acknowledge without reinforcing it26:43 When do we transition kids from distracting from big emotions to acknowledging big emotionsTeach your child that feelings are valid Distraction is one option (you can revisit the emotion later)Validate the feelings, do nothing to fix it, and move on29:40 Separate your feelings from you child’s emotions33:57 When children have “comfort” habits like picking their parents’ fingernails39:10 You can be emotionally connected with your child without being physically connectedShow Note LinkLeslie's Blog writing on The Dilemma of the Chinese Finger TrapLeslie-ism: Take a moment to look at the ways you both physically and emotionally connect with your child.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Parenting is often counterintuitive and makes the job of parenting even more complex. Whether it's saying no to your child using technology or saying goodbye to your child, understanding the short term and the long term benefits and consequences is important. This is just one of the topics we explore in this episode with Hannah and Alex and their 3 year old son Paxton. The struggles of being parents of a toddler, the hindsight of seeing what they may have done that has made things worse and the desire to raise an emotionally intelligent child are some of the other issues that they work on with Leslie.  The practical tools as well as understanding concepts from Dialectic Behavior Therapy are useful to parents with children of any age.Time Stamps6:55 Noticing if you or your child is very literal or detail oriented.  This helps you understand the way your brain works8:36 Being a first time parent often means stepping into the unknown and not knowing what to expect.10:55 A broader perspective: is something going on in the environment that needs to be changed, is my child responding in a way that reflects who they are, or is my child’s behavior a problem that needs attention?12:45 Parenting is often counterintuitive13:10 Helping children feel safe in the world - how to give them that message14:50 Avoiding the cue that sets off the “pain” for your child is not teaching them that they can handle life. Give them a step by step approach for helping your child deal with the “pain” of a situation15:55 Parents don’t want to see their children unhappy16:40 He can handle more than you think, you can handle more than you think17:45 The short term relief vs the long term benefits - understanding the consequences of the short term relief21:22 Picky eaters need to be accepted and at the same time, parents can shape their child’s behavior with exposure to new foods (see behaviorism video in show notes)23:45 When parents have challenges growing up it makes them vulnerable to coping with their child’s feelings26:39 Changing the bedtime routine - from technology for hours to books and lullabys27:55 Behaviorism - What happens when a parent gives the child what they want after emotions escalate30:00 Parents can name when they are in emotion mind so they can model it for their child31:51 Description of the three states of mind35:24 Use specificity and details if you want make behavioral changesResources:  Leslie’s Blog posting on Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Three States of MIndChild Mind Institute’s Research Article on The Importance of Reading to your Children PBS Article on Why Reading Aloud to Kids Helps them ThriveLeslie-ism: Both you and your child can handle more than you think.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Coop

Sometimes when parenting a child that is struggling, tensions arise between the parents. This especially goes for parents with different parenting styles, or those with different levels of experience with young children. This is what Leslie gets into on this week’s episode with Louise and George. In her third and final session with the parents of six-year-old Anna and a newborn baby, Leslie uncovers the vulnerabilities of parents who want to break away from the way they were parented and feel like they want to do better when dealing with their daughter who has intense emotions. This session is a raw look at what it means to make mistakes as a parent and we invite you to listen with compassion and openness.Time Stamps3:30 How to use the T-graph with your child6:39 Unpacking what it means to be an equitable parent vs being a “secondary” o or “trainee” parent 8:35 A dialectic approach to holding both concepts together: being equitable and being a trainee10:50 Making the goal of parenting a process of lifelong learning as your priority11:24 Concepts of worthiness, learning, levels of contribution15:50  How to give feedback to your partner I have an idea that might work for you  Is there something I can do to help out hereSet the stage -  I respect that you are doing the best you can18:39 Dealing with timely matters and feeling the pressure of time: getting to bed, getting out of the house20:27 Celebrating differences in parents so children learn about tolerance and have a chance to learn from each parent22:56 Your child is going to help you learn as well26:00 Golden nuggets from LeslieThe qualities that drive you nuts now are going to be positive attributes laterThe idea that the quality of your child is a reflection of you is a LOT of pressureFocusing on the process rather than the outcome of parenting28:10 Children may only show their big reactions at home and not in public29:30 Being the “trainee parent” doesn’t really exist; we’re all trainees. Have faith in the process36:06 The cost of aggressive anger in a parent and how to be responsible for it38:30  The Three Step Apology State what you didstate how you it affected the child and yourselfMake an amends: talk about what you will do differently next time40:45 Power struggles with your child41:40 Children help us see what need to work on and we are all parents in trainingResources:  Leslie’s Blog Posting The Three Step ApologyLeslie’s Handout: Using a T-Graph to Understand our Qualities and our EmotionsLeslie-ism: Focus on the process of parenting, not just the outcome.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubur

Louise and George have committed to parenting without force and want to parent without punishments or rewards, but what happens when their six year old Anna has what feels like never-ending tantrums? In her second session with them, Leslie reinforces the importance of connection, and sheds light on the pressures Anna may be putting on herself. Leslie also continues her conversation with George about helping him find joy in parenting. In an incredibly honest and vulnerable conversation, they talk about what it feels like when there’s a favored parent, what might be causing this behavior, and what Dad should do to change that.Time Stamps2:34 How a child’s frustrating attributes will be beautiful qualities when they’re an adult4:05 How noticing and naming a child’s behavior can be effective in helping them change it6:18 Example of how connecting with your child increases cooperation8:27 Defining processing speed9:10 Dealing with what parents would call “temper tantrums,” or what Leslie would say is a child having trouble regulating their emotions12:35 How feeling trapped negatively affects mental health15:45 It’s all about connection and disconnection16:03 Staying one step ahead: Identifying and naming your child’s vulnerabilities as prompting events18:40 How to not reinforce unwanted behaviors by not giving in, but inadvertently reinforcing behavior by ignoring it21:57 Speaking to your child’s expectations that maybe they’re not even aware of 24:04 Teaching your child a T graph: when does this quality work for you, when does it not28:07 Discussion of different parenting approaches 29:10 Children have a common worry of disappointing their parents33:30 Relationship between mom and child vs dad and child35:35 The challenges of co-parenting: when one parent feels invalidated by the otherResources:  Leslie’s Handout: “Staying One Step Ahead of your Child”Leslie's Handout: A Visual Presentation of Family OrganizationLeslie’s Handout: Using a T-Graph to Understand our Qualities and our EmotionsLeslie-ism: Try to stay one step ahead of your child.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Leslie delves into one of the most common challenges parents face: how to navigate a strong-willed child who doesn’t do what you want them to do, This is first session with Louise and George who have a 6 year old daughter Anna and a newborn baby.  They bring to light the frustration many parents feel when their child refuses to do simple tasks, like brushing teeth or following a bedtime routine. And it is understandable when the frustration leads to the feeling that parenting is like a slog.  This episode also focuses on the different parenting styles and how that might be impacting their child’s behavior.Time Stamps6:35 Start with Compassion for yourself as a parent since this job is really hard10:05 Mirror Neurons  Children pick up on what the parent is feeling and visa versa10:40 Patience is needed for when seeking changes in behavior14:13 Strategies for stepping into a conflict between parent and childBe a reporter and name what is happening - give information to othersDo nothingBait them with “I think you have something very important to say”Connect with your child especially when they are pushing you away with their behavior  “I am here and I want to hear you”“Hitting is working for you but its not working for me”Shape the behaviorhitting—->yellingyelling—--> using a talking voice20:35 Yetzer Hara and Yetzer Tov  - two ideas from Wendy Mogel’s book The Blessing of A Skinned Knee23:35 Engage the child in “a plan” in order to problem solve challenging behaviors such as brushing her teeth27:05 The theme of connection and how important that connection is27:43 Getting at the root cause using the phrase “you must have a very good reason for (not brushing your teeth) or whatever the behavior is.29:50  Communication is more than just the words: 70% of communication is nonverbal.  Your child is responding to your tone, gestures and facial expressions. 33:10 Ask yourself how can parents have fun at the job of parenting37:07 Connect first and then ask for the cooperationResources:: Wendy Mogel’s Book:  The Blessing of a Skinned KneeFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Leslie-ism: Connection is the foundation for cooperation. 

Today’s episode is a revisit of the conversation between Leslie and her adult daughter Dale. It focuses on the skill of building mastery with new information and resources.  Parents can use this skill to build their children’s sense of confidence and competence. Building mastery can also provide a sense of accomplishment for all adults. This is an inside look at Leslie as a mother using this skill to help her anxious daughter. This episode is also a unique opportunity to hear these parenting skills from the child’s perspective. And in an unexpected move, Dale turns the tables and puts the spotlight on Leslie’s own building mastery.About the guest: Dale Rubury was a producer and special guest in several episodes. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently enrolled in a graduate program to become a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.Resources:Leslie 's Handout on The Need to Feel CapableYoutube Video  Building Mastery Skill For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Leslie-ism: Building a sense of accomplishment comes from challenging ourselves.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Today’s episode marks the third and final session with Emma, mother of four in a blended family who relies on parenting strategies of the past. But things change, and we may also need to change the way we raise our children. Leslie continues to explore Emma’s family patterns from her past, myths about parenting and fears that are so much a part of raising children. In this session, Leslie offers alternative strategies to the traditional punishments that parents so often rely on.  Once again Leslie redefines how we understand misbehavior and more specifically how we look at “punishment”. Does taking things away and giving out time outs actually work? Or is there a more effective way? Time Stamps4:40 Myth: Parents have to fix their children’s problems4:56 Being a calm authority and pillar of support5:55 Validation has the power to make children feel heard and they stop repeating themselves12:15 Be responsible for your own panic12:31 Some people need more time to process (their feelings, instructions, or a situation)15:35 Take a step, take a beat, and see if the step works. If not, go back20:20 Leslie’s class: Making the Punishment Fit the Crime21:39 Class name was intentionally provocative, because punishment doesn’t work22:58 It is not a crime for your child to misbehave23:20 Misbehavior is not a crime, it’s a learning experience and a form of communication29:30 Punishment creates shame (and abandonment) in the child30:24 An alternative to time out: take space, time in, staying connected31:20-35:30 Tool box for dealing with misbehaviorWhat does it communicateLet it goValidate, validate, validateProblem solve (finding other options)Conflict resolution stepsObserve and describe what’s happeningDo Nothing is an option32:18 Principles of reinforcement35:30 Let’s not throw away “time out,” let’s transform it into “do you need some space”Resources:  Miles Davis quote: “It’s not the note you play that’s the wrong note – it’s the note you play afterwards that makes it right or wrong.”  Leslie’s newsletter:  The Art of Healthy Neglect Leslie-ism: People including kids are doing the best they can with the skills they have at the current time. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the second session with Emma, mother of four children. After just one session, Emma is having breakthroughs about how her own traumas are affecting her judgment with her kids. She and Leslie discuss the warning signs of rumination (a symptom of her anxiety) and how to reel it back in once she’s started. They also work through a few role-playing scenarios in order to see  how Emma can validate her children without unfairly punishing them. Sibling dynamics are never easy, and while Emma’s anxiety may be telling her she needs to “fix” every problem, Leslie gently reminds her that children don’t need fixing, but they do need some very important things from their parents in order to feel emotionally safe and secure.Time Stamps4:34 Use the line “I wonder if…”  to clarify what your child is thinking or feeling6:31 Stop putting your adult expectations and standards on children8:43 The shift from being a victim in your relationships can be a shifting of expectations as well as empowering you with skills to make you feel confident in the situation.13:15 Whose problem is it?14:43 How body sensations help us identify emotional reactions. 16:06 Understanding Rumination (and how to prevent it)21:43 Is your child tuned into fairness and unfairness? And what it means in terms of sensitivity and dichotomous thinking23:50 How we help children have a growth mindset vs a fixed mindset25:17 Children repeat themselves when they don’t feel they are being heard27:42 How to validate children: reflecting back what they’re saying so they know you understand34:20 Shifting from “tell me what happened” to “what’s your version of what happened  (each child tells their POV)35:51 We’re not looking for blame, we’re looking for understanding and empathy36:12 Shame: let’s avoid interrogations, and make them feel safe insteadResources:  Video of Leslie doing a handstand - demonstrates the bottom up approach to mindfulnessVideo: The Story of Ruby - how misbehavior is a form of communicationBlog writing on Staying One Step Ahead of Your Child  Handout on  Conflict Resolution Strategies for Kids by ScholasticMindset by Carolyn Dweck: a book about fixed vs growth mindsetLeslie-ism:   Expect your children to misbehaveFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host, visit Leslie's website. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar and me.