Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

Kids fighting in the car is a common occurrence and is often a headache for most parents.  This is a mini-bonus episode where Leslie and her producer Alletta Cooper discuss a number of strategies to help kids sit with discomfort, learn to deal with boredom and maybe along the way have some time to daydream - a way to exercise a valuable part of the brain.  Screens and phones are not on the Do-Not-Use list but rather are understood for ways in which they too can be helpful. Time Stamps2:15 The arrangement strategy - rearranging the kids 3:12 Acknowledge that screens are not good or badFor the short term it works - kids are quietCan you modulate the length of time that kids are on screens4:10  What’s missing when your kids are on screensLearning to tolerate discomfort, differences and boredomMissing the opportunity for daydreaming6:10  The creativity, the connection and the inventiveness of making up games6:49 Kids in the car are a captive audience and often use that time to talk 7:42 Pulling Over Strategy - a non-threatening strategy10:25 Kids can learn that they have a lot of power when it comes to the fighting with sibling11:35 The Ticket System Strategy - this system teaches children its safe to make mistakes13:50 Consequences not punishment - non judgmentally14:40 Payback System Strategy - based on the concept of community service 16:30 Books on tape, family reading - again as a captive audience17:25 Plan Ahead Strategy17:45 Mindfulness Skills of Observation - paying attention to what is around (DBT skills)18:28 Check in with yourself and ask “am  I capable of tolerating this now?”Leslie-ism:  Give your children the gift of daydreaming timeResources:  Is My Child A Monster? Episode 14 Skills Focus on Apologies with Special Guest Dale Rubury - Leslie Discusses the Payback ConceptFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

When kids get their own phone there’s a big adjustment for everyone. And it doesn’t always go smoothly.  This is my second session with Krystal and Burt where we find out how they are doing and if they did their homework to find small ways to connect.  This session focuses on 12 year old Mat who gets in trouble with his phone and what parents can do when that happens.  We also focus on 8 year old Margo who advocates for her own needs which is in sharp contrast to Mat’s people pleasing tendencies.  The skills in this episode focus on communication, connection, consequences that are meant to be effective, seeing the positive intention and learning to surf the urge. Time Stamps4:35 Never underestimate how a small change can have a large impact - small check-ins makes a difference to the relationship 5:10 Kids possibly pick up on the marital tension 6:16 When a people pleaser tunes in to their parents’ well being8:00 We often feel emotional when we feel like we have been seen and understood8:30 The spiral of disconnection - resentment, frustration,etc10:10 Getting a  phone, losing the phone and the consequences12:25 How to make a consequence work effectively: time matters14:00 Use the phone and misbehavior as a learning experience Teach about the way the phone games/apps are designed to keep you on itHave open communication to discuss his relationship with the phoneUse a cell phone contract19:30 Pros and cons DBT skill has 4 boxes instead of two (see resources below)21:00 Discussion of being a “people pleaser” 22:25 Its ok for kids to make safe mistakes at home24:10 Use “Surfing the Urge” Mindfulness Skill to deal with impulses 27:30 Giving a child a sense of control through “giving her personal power”29:35 Talk about family meetings30:30 See the positive intention when a child has challenging behavior - Validate the valid32:40 How to communicate with a child who says what feels like “rude” comments “This is not working for me”Role play other versionsChoose timing that might work better than in the momentThe two kids can learn from each other - one is very considerate of others and the other has a strong sense of self and focus on herselfLeslie-ism: When you think there's a teachable moment, pause and see what you can all learn in that moment. Resources:  Cell Phone ContractHandout on Pros and Cons Skill from Dialectic Behavior TherapyVideo explaining how to Use Pros and Cons Skill from DBTLeslie’s Blog on People Pleasing - coming soonHandout on the DBT Skill “Surfing the Urge“ by Therapist AidHandout on Positive intention - coming soonFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and

There is so much going on in a family between raising the kids, making a living to provide for the family and managing a household.   In today’s session, we meet Krystal and Burt, a family based in the UK who have 2 children, 12 year old Mat, and 8 year old Margo.  They recently moved to a rural farm with animals that they also raise.  Making time for the kids, making time for the relationship and running their lives is what Burt called “volume overload”.  And it is through that lens of “volume overload” that we unpack the sibling rivalry between the kids.  Time Stamps7:33 Assessment to help understand what’s going on with Sibling rivalry12:48 The stress of being a neurodivergent parent - ADHD and Dyslexia19:20 Things can be easier when one parent is in charge compared to when both parents are present20:17 Tension between parents:When parents feel unsupportedWhen parents feel dismissedWhen parents don’t want to be the ‘bad guy” 24:10 Parenting styles are a compilation of who you are and the experiences you had in your childhood24:50 How to tolerate the differences25:45 What part do I need to radically accept and what part do I need to change27:15 How do you as a parent like to be appreciated? (words, back rubs, hugs etc)28:38 The tension of not being appreciated can be addressed with check ins29:45 Step away from the problem in order to solve the problem - Relationships need nourishment31:10 What small ways can you create emotional connection in busy livesBuild up the strengths and the emotional connection35:10 Mindfully acknowledging each other on entering or exiting a roomPlay a simple game between you and your partner 35:40 The children will learn that a relationship takes connection. Model those small ways of connecting to help nourish the relationship38:45 Relationships are so hard.  40:40 The pain of the relationship can be in service of our healingWe pick people who are going to help us grow as the pain in the relationship shows up. Children help us grow as a human being We bring our own pain from childhood to our current relationships44:45 Parents can feel “volume overloaded”45: 30 Practice some mindfulness exercises that help ground you47:35 Balancing the dilemma/tension of getting through the present moment and at the same time planning goals for the future. 48:44 Metaphor of a tree with roots - root yourself and ground yourself in your daily life with mindfulness and connection and small little breaks50:59 Turning the family structure upside down52:20 Connection is so important and understanding the effects of disconnectionLeslie-ism: Take a moment to root yourself in your daily life through connection.Resources:  For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by

Sibling Rivalry is a great opportunity to practice conflict resolution. In this episode we talk about the steps to help you resolve conflicts with your kids.  But these same steps (easy to explain and difficult to practice) can be used with all relationships that experience conflicts. Leslie explains the steps to conflict resolution and highlights the one step that is often forgotten and without it can sabotage any attempts to resolve the conflicts. Leslie and her daughter Dale discuss these steps and apply it to real life experiencesTime Stamps2:12 Definition of conflict3:58  Four Steps of conflict resolution with the MISSING PIECEStop the actionState the problemGenerate solutionsPick a solution and move forward4:26 Five Steps of Conflict Resolution Stop the actionState the problemUse Empathy and perspective taking to get to the underlying concernsGenerate solutions Pick a solution and move forwardConflict resolution often fails when the empathy step is missing5:18 Using a childhood example to demonstrate these steps6:25 Step in to sibling rivalry only SOME of the time, not al of the time7:26 Don’t attempt to figure out who started.  It is not effectiveStart with “I notice there is a problem here” not “Who started this”9:50 Getting Confirmation with a nod or saying yes is important to make sure someone feels heard and understood 10:12 Validation, active listening, reflective listening is absolutely necessary10:45 Use non-verbal, physical support when the other person is talking12:20 Empathy and validation is not condoning the behavior or agreeing with the other person's perspective 14:00 Have the child use “I Statement” so you avoid blaming language14:45 Generating solutions - engage the children - 18:10 Moving from Emotion mind to wise mind as you move through the steps. If emotions are too high, wait until another time to do the conflict resolution process20:15 When generating ideas make sure each child is taking responsibility for their part and coming up with solutions that they can change22:53 When is it most effective for parents to jump into conflict resolution?  When the PARENT feels most capable of handling the conflict. 23:40 The infamous “Sink Story” 26:20 The Fair Fighting Fouls (see show notes for link)27:26 The parents' job is to teach it and model it - Leslie-ism: Conflict resolution begins with empathyResources:Fair Fighting Rules in a Pamphlet called Time Out: Resolving Family ConflictsOther conflict resolution resources for Kids at Peace Education FoundationFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by

There is so much fear in parenting, it just comes with the territory. Fear of kids fighting, fear of kids growing up too fast, fear of kids being influenced by peer pressure and engaging in behaviors that upset you. In this episode, Leslie works with Anna on noticing and naming her fears so that her fears don’t end up making things worse. Anna is homeschooling her three children,  8yr old girl, Sasha 5 yr old Kate and 2 yr old Daniel. And Anna updates us on the changes in the level and intensity of the sibling rivalry since her last session.5:15 There is a difference between thinking about your childhood and understanding your childhood experiences from the perspective of the child6:03 Our childhood experiences inform and impact our parenting8:33 When you play games you follow the rules.  You may also change the rules of your parenting strategies that you can share with your children12:22 Remember to focus on yourself and regulate yourself - children care more about how their parent is doing. 12:55 Children are paying attention to the well-being of their parent14:45 ⅓ of the time of sibling rivalry you make them a unit and set a limit on the fighting   Start with “looks like there is a problem here”Giving children permission to continue to fight in another location using a paradoxical strategy22:05 To help with a conflict -Validate each child’s perspective.  Show understanding“Tell me more”Listen to their perspective26:30 Pay attention to how you as a parent felt about your teenage years and its impact on raising your children through their teenage years28:52 Be one step ahead of your child as they are approaching adolescence31:50 Parents need to balance the dialectic dilemmas of strictness vs leniency promoting independence vs fostering dependence32:35 Pre-adolescents are practicing being individuals35:15 Finding a solution between these dilemmas is called a dialectic synthesis Walking the middle path between “What’s important to her and what’s important to you”38:20  Adolescence is about a time of letting go and at the same time, our teenagers still need parents strong and present in their lives.40:25 We need to acknowledge our fear, but we don't want it to be in front of us, blinding us and possibly taking us off courseLeslie-ism: Notice and name your fear, so it doesn't run the showResources:  Parenting Dilemmas Handout in Dialectic Behavior Therapy by Leslie Cohen-RuburyFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Sibling rivalry seems like your kid’s problem. But for most parents its not easy to tolerate all that bickering and figuring out when to step in can be confusing.  In today’s session, you meet Anna, a mother of three children, 8, 5, 2 who learns that what she is doing is actually making the sibling rivalry worse. She and her husband emigrated from Ukraine in their twenties but brought with them their own experiences of growing up.  Learning a bit about her history brings light to her current situation. And you may be surprised by the coaching that Leslie offers Anna to improve the sibling rivalry which includes some basic strategies based in behaviorism.Time Stamps5:29 Context is important when understanding or assessing a problem such as sibling rivalry8:20 Noticing that people’s recovery time vary from person to person10:00 Parents often ask “what can I do to stop the fighting”11:25 Sibling rivalry is natural and a way to learn social skills11:48 Behaviorism - jumping in reinforces the fighting behavior which causes it to escalate13:28 Reinforce the behavior that you want more of14:00 Nonverbally (Physically) support one child while talking to the other child18:03 What happens when your best intentions makes things worse and doesn’t get you what you want18:55 When Leslie sounds like terrible, horrible, no good parent20:28 Can we give our kids a chance solve their own problems21:08 We rob our children from so much learning when we jump in to fix it 21:58 How to help parents sit with their own discomfort or anxiety  Announce the change in your parenting behavior to your children23:15 Explaining an extinction burst 24:20 ⅓ ⅓ ⅓ rule for sibling rivalry⅓ = Do nothing, let them work it out on their their⅓ = We can help them with conflict resolution⅓ = We can notice what is happening or ending it without discussing it25:20  A family is a system of belonging - sibling rivalry can be about individuation30:20  Reinforcing your child to feel special is different from praise. 34:07 Parents need to believe that they can love each of their children differently35:02 The metaphor of the orchestra for treating their children differently36:16 Balance the needs of your child, balance the independence and the dependence36:55 Looking at the parents self care practices38:36 Description of how empathy is a critical step of conflict resolution with a 43:10 Empathy and being understood by the other person can be transformative.43:40 Escalating emotions, getting louder or getting defensive may reflect that someone feels invalidated.44:23  CLIFF HANGER;  Leslie doesn’t share the other steps of conflict resolution - only the step of empathyResources:  Leslie’s Handout on The Need to Feel a Sense of BelongingLeslie ‘s Handout on The Need to be significant Punishment by Rewards by Alfie KohnLeslie-ism: Practice empathy in your own conflictsFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube

In today’s episode, Leslie speaks with special guest, Dr. Lorie Ritschel, a board-certified dialectic behavior therapist, and discusses the impact of chronic invalidation, trauma and shame in regards to both parents and children. Lorie emphasizes the importance of understanding and addressing shame in children, noting that parents often underestimate its punishing effects. She explains DBT-PE, a treatment that combines dialectical behavior therapy with prolonged exposure to treat trauma. Time Stamps4:22 Defining Trauma - Criterion A and Traumatic Chronic Invalidation9:00 and 11:26 Trauma Treatments - DBT-PE and CPTYou are working to create corrective learningTrauma treatment is really tough, its like psychology Iron ManIn vivo exposures - learning to do the things that are hard for you to doImaginal exposures - where you talk about the traumaProcessing - what can you learn from your exposures and how can you shift your perspective14:00 Discussing the emotion of Shame14:40 Parents are part of creating the internal dialogue of emotions within their child and they have the ability to impact their child’s understanding of emotions16:20 Parents underestimate how punishing shame is to a child17:05 Discussion on being how to be reinforcer of behaviors and punisher of behaviors by matching the intensity of your child’s behavior18:05 Some kids go into a shame spiral and others don’t.  DON”T make assumptions about your child19:24 Examples of implicit and explicit learning 20:55 When shame is very visible in your child - If a child hides their face or hides under coversThey say “I’m bad”You can use the line “can you give yourself permission to make a mistake?” 21:21 Watch out for the quiet child who internalize their emotions22:14 Create a framework in your home to talk about emotions22:50 High, Low, Buffalo Game - a great substitute for “how was your day at school”  25:25 The benefits of Observational learning26:38 Discussion of Invalidation for the neurodivergent child28::43 Other examples of ways parents can invalidate their child31:00 Having a trusted adult to speak to is key for a child who feels invalidation from their differentnessLeslie-ism: When expressing disappointment to your child, a light touch is enough.Resources:  Lorie Ritschel’s Website: Triangle Area Psychology Clinic (TAP)E-Learning Courses through the TAP clinicHow to use High Low Buffalo Conversation Starter Trauma resourcesDBT-Prolonged Exposure Trauma TreatmentCognitive Processing Treatment (CPT) For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by

Parents often go to therapy when the rewards and punishment no longer work because trying to get your child to do what you need them to do can be very challenging. And when the parent’s anxiety gets added to that mix, the result is frustrating and overwhelming for everyone.  This is the final session with Nicky and AJ as they discuss getting their 11 year old daughter Lilly off to school each day and getting her to clean up after herself.  Time Stamps3:46 Ask yourself “did it feel more effective to do something different” and "did it feel better to you?” whether or not, we got the outcome that we wanted.5:05 What its like to live with someone who does not complete a task, often someone with ADHD.  7:33 Bring mindfulness skills to the person who doesn’t complete a task10:25 Make expectations explicit because everyone may have different expectations11:58 Example of parent using rewards to change your child’s behavior12:47 Discussion of rewards and punishments15:15 Using rewards is a way to manage and control behavior, it may not actually teach her to develop behavior that she doesn’t want to do. 17:09 Assess the problem that you want to solve17:50 Keep track of the behavior - collect data20:17 Determine whose problem is it? Start by changing your behaviorEngage your child into the solution of the problem24:50 When you understand something about your child, be sure to verbalize it to her26:38 Setting up contingency plan when there is a pattern of problematic behaviorDo it without anger or shamingLay out the plan in advance30:32 A Parent’s anxiety usually makes your children’s anxiety worse32:26 Fighting reality vs accepting reality when your child doesn’t do things the way you want them to.33:47 Whose problem is it?  Remember to work on your part of the problem34:19 Practicing mindfulness skills for ADHD behaviors  Leslie-ism: In moments of stress or anxiety ask yourself “whose problem is it?Resources:  GIVE Skill Handout by DBT.toolsLeslie's Handout on Whose Problem Is It?For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Making requests, saying no, and having hard conversations is part of all relationships. And it's rather easy to see how common misunderstandings and conflict ensues in our interpersonal relationships.  That's because we are not born with accurate and effective communications skills. This mini bonus episode is about learning and practicing the DBT skill called DEAR MAN.  This is a conversation between Leslie and her producer, Alletta Cooper where they give an in-depth description of what the skill is and then how to put it into practice.Time Stamps1:41 DEAR MAN GIVE FAST is the DBT acronym to help us communicate accurately and more effectivelyDEAR MAN - The goal is to get your objective metGIVE Skills - The goal is about tending to the relationshipFAST Skills - The goal is to focus on your self-respect4:51 DEARMAN skill described in detail4:51 D = Describe the facts - the who, what, when and where5:35 E = Express your feelings 5:55 A = Ask for what you want - make your request7:03 R = Reinforce what’s in it for the other person7:55 M = Maintain your focus 8:28 A = Appear confident8:32 N = Negotiate if necessary -sometimes you have to give a little to get what you want6:40 Using the skill helps you stay in wise mind9:32 Role play not using the DEAR MAN skill11:29 Role play using the DEAR MAN skill14:38 Timing is an important factor when having difficult conversation15:10 Using time limits on having conversation is often very effective16:52 When to use DEAR MAN 19:00 Write it down and practice it over and over againResources:  Leslie’s Handout on DEAR MAN DBT Skill based on example in the bonus episode and worksheet for practiceDEARMAN How to communicate Assertively - DBT-RUDBT Skill: The Most Effective Way to Make a Request by Sunrise Treatment CenterFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

We take you “behind the scenes” of what happened before the session officially started.  This episode with Nicky and AJ begins with a communication breakdown.  We all struggle at times communicating with our kids, our partners or other family members. You will learn what happens when shame is in the drivers seat of your life and when shame runs in the family like with AJ and their 11 year old daughter, Lily.  The episode also emphasizes the importance of vulnerability for personal growth and effective parenting. Leslie introduces the Dialectic Behavior Skill called DEAR MAN and puts it into practice.  Time Stamps3:50 How to talk without shaming and blaming or without ignoring the problem8:02 and 26:05 Talking about trauma is very difficult and can be very anxiety provoking11:06 Description of the DBT DEARMAN skillDescribe, Express, Ask for what you want, Reinforce it for the other person, Maintain focus, Appear confident, Negotiate when needed16:10 Example of using the DEAR MAN23:32 and 40:40 Timing is very important when trying to have a conversation24:30 People who feel invalidated react with anger, shutting down or start defending themselves 27:05 Remember to learn from “misbehavior” - “what can I do differently next time?”32:10 Shame is an emotion that makes us feel like “a bad person” vs guilt is a justified emotion when our behavior goes against our values32:06 and 33:00 Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Opposite Action Go opposite to the urge of the emotion The urge associated with shame is to hideGo opposite to shame when it is not justifiedGo all the way35:27 Example of using Opposite Action Skill38:26 AJ’s aha moment that both he and his daughter can feel attacked when someone wants you to do something 43:58 Practice being vulnerableLeslie-ism: Give yourself permission to be vulnerable.Resources:  Dialectic Behavior Therapy DEARMAN Skill by DBT.ToolsDialectic Behavior Therapy Opposite Action Skill by DBT.ToolsFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.