Nicky & AJ Part 3 of 4: When Shame Gets In The Way

We take you “behind the scenes” of what happened before the session officially started.  This episode with Nicky and AJ begins with a communication breakdown.  We all struggle at times communicating with our kids, our partners or other family members. You will learn what happens when shame is in the drivers seat of your life and when shame runs in the family like with AJ and their 11 year old daughter, Lily.  The episode also emphasizes the importance of vulnerability for personal growth and effective parenting. Leslie introduces the Dialectic Behavior Skill called DEAR MAN and puts it into practice.  

Time Stamps

3:50 How to talk without shaming and blaming or without ignoring the problem

8:02 and 26:05 Talking about trauma is very difficult and can be very anxiety provoking

11:06 Description of the DBT DEARMAN skill

• Describe, Express, Ask for what you want, Reinforce it for the other person, Maintain focus, Appear confident, Negotiate when needed

16:10 Example of using the DEAR MAN

23:32 and 40:40 Timing is very important when trying to have a conversation

24:30 People who feel invalidated react with anger, shutting down or start defending themselves 

27:05 Remember to learn from “misbehavior” - “what can I do differently next time?”

32:10 Shame is an emotion that makes us feel like “a bad person” vs guilt is a justified emotion when our behavior goes against our values

32:06 and 33:00 Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Opposite Action 

• Go opposite to the urge of the emotion 
• The urge associated with shame is to hide
• Go opposite to shame when it is not justified
• Go all the way

35:27 Example of using Opposite Action Skill

38:26 AJ’s aha moment that both he and his daughter can feel attacked when someone wants you to do something 

43:58 Practice being vulnerable

Leslie-ism: Give yourself permission to be vulnerable.

Resources:  

Dialectic Behavior Therapy DEARMAN Skill by DBT.Tools

Dialectic Behavior Therapy Opposite Action Skill by DBT.Tools

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.