Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

Homework is a time of frustration in many families.  And there are so many root causes that contribute to the defiance that often comes with homework.   In today’s episode, which is the second session with Kevin and Scott, Leslie discusses and assesses what’s going on and what to do with those homework issues.  Kevin and Scott are parents to 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur -  two neurodivergent boys, who are trying incredibly hard to be the best parents they can be.  Leslie points out that perhaps everyone can try different, not harder.Time Stamps3:40 Varying your skills is often very effective - mix it up a little4:13 The opposite of self-compassion is self-deprecating and self-judgements 6:00 Using your skills intentionally makes the skill for effective6:50 Family value of doing things together as a familyChildren avoid parts of their homework that’s hard for them.  The child may have difficulty admitting that they made a mistake9:40 Review of the should’s from the homework for Kevin and Scott10:39 How to believe your own compassionate statement11:35 Looking at yourself before you became a parent14:24 Should-ing yourself or your child often turns into shaming15:20 The pressure of parenting16:38 Validate your thoughts but don’t attach to those thoughts17:40 We don’t have to try harder, we have to try different18:40 The many uses of mindfulness 23:03  What to do when your child refuses to do school workGive your child information about what happens to themPut it on paper so it is tangible and visual26:08 Many kids don’t want to talk about a past situation that didn’t go well27:00 Homework is an opportunity to “see” who your child is and to help them understand themselves28:15 Assess why is your child struggling with homework31:30 Transitions may be challenging for kids with ADHD32:40 Being seen and understood creates connection between parent and childConnection is the opposite of feeling shame34:03 Helping your child when they make a mistake and get upset“Can you give yourself permission to make a mistake”“That really threw you into emotion mind”Ahead of time, “are you prepared to make some mistakes” or “can you handle making a mistake today”37:44 Going to school for the neurodivergent child is extra exhausting. Some accommodations may be needed to create an environment that is supportive39:20 New ideas and strategies may be refreshing in a the family dynamic40:42 Keys to parenting when homework is problematic42:30 Defiance is not the measure of being a bad parent.  Remember defiance is helping you understand your childLeslie-ism: Don’t try harder, try different! For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and

As parents we can probably relate to Kevin and Scott who describe family life as chaotic.  They are parents of two neurodivergent boys, 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur.  Its clear in this episode that these parents have done their homework and tried to help their boys and their family life but the frustration and uncertainly are ever present. Leslie works with Kevin and Scott to assess and understand the other important ingredients essential for effective parenting.  This episode focuses on feelings and concepts such as compassion, insecurity, shame and grief.  And together they that look at what happens when rewards stop working.  Time Stamps3:10 Where do parents begin when trying to make sense household chaos5:05 When parenting with strategies designed for the neurotypical child doesn’t work as well with the neurodivergent child5:59 Grieving the child you thought you would haveComparison to other children or other familiesAcknowledge the child you have8:08 An example of making compassionate statements to each other and to themselves11:20 Island of compassion in the sea of chaosDescription of the morning "chaos"14:15 Teasing can be “playful connection’ as well as the hurtfulParents can reframe the behavior from a negative to an alternative interpretation17:10 Rewards -  how to make them work and why they stop workingChange them oftenIntermittent reinforcement works very well to establish a behaviorDon’t work harder than your childKeep the small and specific24:08 Problem Solving Skill from DBT  - focus on the brainstorming step26:14 Raising your child to understand who he is, the impact of how he shows up in the world, and the areas that he might need to work on.26:30 Strategies to help someone with ADHD: balance boards and movementFidget toysDrawing and doodling28:20 Dialectic dilemma: The tension between when do you need to accept the moment as it is and when do you need to change it day29:15 Dialectic Dilemma: Is this the parent’s problem or is this the child’s problem. Whose problem is it?29:55 Two acceptance strategies:  compassion and taking a breathLeslie-ism: Take a moment to celebrate the effort you're putting in and the small successes along the way.Resources:  A book about Behavior management strategies: Don’t Shoot the Dog by Karen PryonFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Parenting is an overwhelming job with endless meals, cleanups, and activities. But on top of that, there’s the general overwhelm we're all feeling in our current world, and there are skills you can learn to help manage that daily overwhelm. In this episode Leslie speaks with special guest, Dr. Kiki Fehling. Dr. Kiki Fehling, a licensed psychologist, DBT expert, author and speaker, discusses the transformative impact of DBT on her life and the lives of her clients. Together Leslie and Kiki focus on specific DBT skills that can directly help parents who feel overwhelmed, including Mindfulness, TIPP, and Opposite Action Skills which can help both you and your children. Time Stamps3:05 Why Kiki is committed to getting DBT resources out to the public5:13 Distinguishing between DBT Therapy and DBT SkillsThe four Modules of DBTThese are life skills to help you deal with the hard parts of life7:15 How do we talk to parents about the overwhelmStart with mindfulnessDefinition of mindfulnessIncreasing one’s awareness of the Overwhelm11:10 Jon Kabat Zinn’s Quote:  “if our lives depended on our awareness of our breathing we’d all be dead12:48 Mindfulness is the foundation of DBT13:00 TIPP Skills to help us regulate our nervous system13:25 Paced Breathing Skill14:48 Tip your Temperature - mammalian Dive Reflex16:48 Intense Exercise17:47 Progressive Muscle Relaxation19:46 Opposite Action Skill24:50 Dealing with OverwhelmUsing your TIPP Skills IS Opposite Action25:25 Start with yourself: Model it and that teaches your child to copeCo-regulation is when the parent calms themselves down27:06 Kids are growing up with Mindfulness as an everyday word28:55 “ Living Therapeutically” is Leslie’s term for a way of living without therapy that continues to help you learn and grow (a newsletter will be coming soon on this)Leslie-ism: Practice Naming Your EmotionsResources:Dr. Kiki Fehling’s WebsiteSelf-Directed DBT Skills: 3 Month DBT WorkbookDBT Cards for Coping SkillsKiki Fehlings Tik Tok @dbtkikiKiki Fehling Instagram.TIPP Skills from DBT Therapy HandoutTip your Temperature VideoIntense Exercise VideoOpposit Action Skills Video from DBT TherapyJon Kabat Zinn’s WebsiteFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and 

Here’s the scenario:  Your 8 year old child just got a formal diagnosis of ADHD in addition to the dyslexia diagnosis.  Your 12 year old son is also neurodivergent whose behaviors include humming, interrupting and fidgeting. How does a family learn to get along with all of these differences which create tension in both the children and the parents. In this third and final session with Krystal and Burt, Leslie works directly with the parenting differences…Krystal expresses her concerns about Margot's future, while Burt remains optimistic. The skills focus on mindfulness, validation and communication in order to “get along”, and learn to live together.Time Stamps3:35 The benefits of giving a child with ADHD the “job” of time management5:00 Medication Trial for ADHD - pros and cons8:59 The worrisome questions of someone with ADHD15:10 When avoiding problems, you might be making your problem worse15:45 Asking for what you need when you know you want to be heard.17:25 Learning to speak each other’s language 18:55 Making sure your child understands their diagnosis19:45 When someone is not understood and seen for who they are, they may misbehave- example of being left handed and being singled out.20:22 If you figure out your different and different equals bad, then you call yourself “bad”21:30 Explaining brains when you're trying to explain a diagnosis to a childDiscussing neurodivergence with affirmative language25:48 When parents have opposite perspectives.Be who you are and take a giant step towards the other personYou can still be positive and validate your child’s concerns27:39 When you validate someone’s worries - the worries may actually decrease 30:41 Role Play example of validation when someone uses BUT instead of AND32:50 When the environment (school, home) may or may not support the neurodivergent person34:36 Description of neurodivergent differences in the family including ADHD and Autism38:00 Description of Stimming Behaviors40:10 Family meetings can create a positive circular loop in which understanding leads to connection, and connection leads to greater understanding.Family meeting can name the tension between neurodivergent types Family meeting can engage the kids in the process of problem solvingUnderstanding leads to empathy, consideration and tolerance43:25 Description of misophonia and mindfulness skills to treat itLeslie-ism: To reduce conflict start with communication and end up with connectionResources: Resources on Neurodivergence Neurodivergentinsights.comDr, Liz Angoff”s website Explaining Brains - full of resourcesDr. Liz Angoff’s websiteFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music<

Kids fighting in the car is a common occurrence and is often a headache for most parents.  This is a mini-bonus episode where Leslie and her producer Alletta Cooper discuss a number of strategies to help kids sit with discomfort, learn to deal with boredom and maybe along the way have some time to daydream - a way to exercise a valuable part of the brain.  Screens and phones are not on the Do-Not-Use list but rather are understood for ways in which they too can be helpful. Time Stamps2:15 The arrangement strategy - rearranging the kids 3:12 Acknowledge that screens are not good or badFor the short term it works - kids are quietCan you modulate the length of time that kids are on screens4:10  What’s missing when your kids are on screensLearning to tolerate discomfort, differences and boredomMissing the opportunity for daydreaming6:10  The creativity, the connection and the inventiveness of making up games6:49 Kids in the car are a captive audience and often use that time to talk 7:42 Pulling Over Strategy - a non-threatening strategy10:25 Kids can learn that they have a lot of power when it comes to the fighting with sibling11:35 The Ticket System Strategy - this system teaches children its safe to make mistakes13:50 Consequences not punishment - non judgmentally14:40 Payback System Strategy - based on the concept of community service 16:30 Books on tape, family reading - again as a captive audience17:25 Plan Ahead Strategy17:45 Mindfulness Skills of Observation - paying attention to what is around (DBT skills)18:28 Check in with yourself and ask “am  I capable of tolerating this now?”Leslie-ism:  Give your children the gift of daydreaming timeResources:  Is My Child A Monster? Episode 14 Skills Focus on Apologies with Special Guest Dale Rubury - Leslie Discusses the Payback ConceptFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

When kids get their own phone there’s a big adjustment for everyone. And it doesn’t always go smoothly.  This is my second session with Krystal and Burt where we find out how they are doing and if they did their homework to find small ways to connect.  This session focuses on 12 year old Mat who gets in trouble with his phone and what parents can do when that happens.  We also focus on 8 year old Margo who advocates for her own needs which is in sharp contrast to Mat’s people pleasing tendencies.  The skills in this episode focus on communication, connection, consequences that are meant to be effective, seeing the positive intention and learning to surf the urge. Time Stamps4:35 Never underestimate how a small change can have a large impact - small check-ins makes a difference to the relationship 5:10 Kids possibly pick up on the marital tension 6:16 When a people pleaser tunes in to their parents’ well being8:00 We often feel emotional when we feel like we have been seen and understood8:30 The spiral of disconnection - resentment, frustration,etc10:10 Getting a  phone, losing the phone and the consequences12:25 How to make a consequence work effectively: time matters14:00 Use the phone and misbehavior as a learning experience Teach about the way the phone games/apps are designed to keep you on itHave open communication to discuss his relationship with the phoneUse a cell phone contract19:30 Pros and cons DBT skill has 4 boxes instead of two (see resources below)21:00 Discussion of being a “people pleaser” 22:25 Its ok for kids to make safe mistakes at home24:10 Use “Surfing the Urge” Mindfulness Skill to deal with impulses 27:30 Giving a child a sense of control through “giving her personal power”29:35 Talk about family meetings30:30 See the positive intention when a child has challenging behavior - Validate the valid32:40 How to communicate with a child who says what feels like “rude” comments “This is not working for me”Role play other versionsChoose timing that might work better than in the momentThe two kids can learn from each other - one is very considerate of others and the other has a strong sense of self and focus on herselfLeslie-ism: When you think there's a teachable moment, pause and see what you can all learn in that moment. Resources:  Cell Phone ContractHandout on Pros and Cons Skill from Dialectic Behavior TherapyVideo explaining how to Use Pros and Cons Skill from DBTLeslie’s Blog on People Pleasing - coming soonHandout on the DBT Skill “Surfing the Urge“ by Therapist AidHandout on Positive intention - coming soonFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and

There is so much going on in a family between raising the kids, making a living to provide for the family and managing a household.   In today’s session, we meet Krystal and Burt, a family based in the UK who have 2 children, 12 year old Mat, and 8 year old Margo.  They recently moved to a rural farm with animals that they also raise.  Making time for the kids, making time for the relationship and running their lives is what Burt called “volume overload”.  And it is through that lens of “volume overload” that we unpack the sibling rivalry between the kids.  Time Stamps7:33 Assessment to help understand what’s going on with Sibling rivalry12:48 The stress of being a neurodivergent parent - ADHD and Dyslexia19:20 Things can be easier when one parent is in charge compared to when both parents are present20:17 Tension between parents:When parents feel unsupportedWhen parents feel dismissedWhen parents don’t want to be the ‘bad guy” 24:10 Parenting styles are a compilation of who you are and the experiences you had in your childhood24:50 How to tolerate the differences25:45 What part do I need to radically accept and what part do I need to change27:15 How do you as a parent like to be appreciated? (words, back rubs, hugs etc)28:38 The tension of not being appreciated can be addressed with check ins29:45 Step away from the problem in order to solve the problem - Relationships need nourishment31:10 What small ways can you create emotional connection in busy livesBuild up the strengths and the emotional connection35:10 Mindfully acknowledging each other on entering or exiting a roomPlay a simple game between you and your partner 35:40 The children will learn that a relationship takes connection. Model those small ways of connecting to help nourish the relationship38:45 Relationships are so hard.  40:40 The pain of the relationship can be in service of our healingWe pick people who are going to help us grow as the pain in the relationship shows up. Children help us grow as a human being We bring our own pain from childhood to our current relationships44:45 Parents can feel “volume overloaded”45: 30 Practice some mindfulness exercises that help ground you47:35 Balancing the dilemma/tension of getting through the present moment and at the same time planning goals for the future. 48:44 Metaphor of a tree with roots - root yourself and ground yourself in your daily life with mindfulness and connection and small little breaks50:59 Turning the family structure upside down52:20 Connection is so important and understanding the effects of disconnectionLeslie-ism: Take a moment to root yourself in your daily life through connection.Resources:  For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by

Sibling Rivalry is a great opportunity to practice conflict resolution. In this episode we talk about the steps to help you resolve conflicts with your kids.  But these same steps (easy to explain and difficult to practice) can be used with all relationships that experience conflicts. Leslie explains the steps to conflict resolution and highlights the one step that is often forgotten and without it can sabotage any attempts to resolve the conflicts. Leslie and her daughter Dale discuss these steps and apply it to real life experiencesTime Stamps2:12 Definition of conflict3:58  Four Steps of conflict resolution with the MISSING PIECEStop the actionState the problemGenerate solutionsPick a solution and move forward4:26 Five Steps of Conflict Resolution Stop the actionState the problemUse Empathy and perspective taking to get to the underlying concernsGenerate solutions Pick a solution and move forwardConflict resolution often fails when the empathy step is missing5:18 Using a childhood example to demonstrate these steps6:25 Step in to sibling rivalry only SOME of the time, not al of the time7:26 Don’t attempt to figure out who started.  It is not effectiveStart with “I notice there is a problem here” not “Who started this”9:50 Getting Confirmation with a nod or saying yes is important to make sure someone feels heard and understood 10:12 Validation, active listening, reflective listening is absolutely necessary10:45 Use non-verbal, physical support when the other person is talking12:20 Empathy and validation is not condoning the behavior or agreeing with the other person's perspective 14:00 Have the child use “I Statement” so you avoid blaming language14:45 Generating solutions - engage the children - 18:10 Moving from Emotion mind to wise mind as you move through the steps. If emotions are too high, wait until another time to do the conflict resolution process20:15 When generating ideas make sure each child is taking responsibility for their part and coming up with solutions that they can change22:53 When is it most effective for parents to jump into conflict resolution?  When the PARENT feels most capable of handling the conflict. 23:40 The infamous “Sink Story” 26:20 The Fair Fighting Fouls (see show notes for link)27:26 The parents' job is to teach it and model it - Leslie-ism: Conflict resolution begins with empathyResources:Fair Fighting Rules in a Pamphlet called Time Out: Resolving Family ConflictsOther conflict resolution resources for Kids at Peace Education FoundationFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by

There is so much fear in parenting, it just comes with the territory. Fear of kids fighting, fear of kids growing up too fast, fear of kids being influenced by peer pressure and engaging in behaviors that upset you. In this episode, Leslie works with Anna on noticing and naming her fears so that her fears don’t end up making things worse. Anna is homeschooling her three children,  8yr old girl, Sasha 5 yr old Kate and 2 yr old Daniel. And Anna updates us on the changes in the level and intensity of the sibling rivalry since her last session.5:15 There is a difference between thinking about your childhood and understanding your childhood experiences from the perspective of the child6:03 Our childhood experiences inform and impact our parenting8:33 When you play games you follow the rules.  You may also change the rules of your parenting strategies that you can share with your children12:22 Remember to focus on yourself and regulate yourself - children care more about how their parent is doing. 12:55 Children are paying attention to the well-being of their parent14:45 ⅓ of the time of sibling rivalry you make them a unit and set a limit on the fighting   Start with “looks like there is a problem here”Giving children permission to continue to fight in another location using a paradoxical strategy22:05 To help with a conflict -Validate each child’s perspective.  Show understanding“Tell me more”Listen to their perspective26:30 Pay attention to how you as a parent felt about your teenage years and its impact on raising your children through their teenage years28:52 Be one step ahead of your child as they are approaching adolescence31:50 Parents need to balance the dialectic dilemmas of strictness vs leniency promoting independence vs fostering dependence32:35 Pre-adolescents are practicing being individuals35:15 Finding a solution between these dilemmas is called a dialectic synthesis Walking the middle path between “What’s important to her and what’s important to you”38:20  Adolescence is about a time of letting go and at the same time, our teenagers still need parents strong and present in their lives.40:25 We need to acknowledge our fear, but we don't want it to be in front of us, blinding us and possibly taking us off courseLeslie-ism: Notice and name your fear, so it doesn't run the showResources:  Parenting Dilemmas Handout in Dialectic Behavior Therapy by Leslie Cohen-RuburyFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Sibling rivalry seems like your kid’s problem. But for most parents its not easy to tolerate all that bickering and figuring out when to step in can be confusing.  In today’s session, you meet Anna, a mother of three children, 8, 5, 2 who learns that what she is doing is actually making the sibling rivalry worse. She and her husband emigrated from Ukraine in their twenties but brought with them their own experiences of growing up.  Learning a bit about her history brings light to her current situation. And you may be surprised by the coaching that Leslie offers Anna to improve the sibling rivalry which includes some basic strategies based in behaviorism.Time Stamps5:29 Context is important when understanding or assessing a problem such as sibling rivalry8:20 Noticing that people’s recovery time vary from person to person10:00 Parents often ask “what can I do to stop the fighting”11:25 Sibling rivalry is natural and a way to learn social skills11:48 Behaviorism - jumping in reinforces the fighting behavior which causes it to escalate13:28 Reinforce the behavior that you want more of14:00 Nonverbally (Physically) support one child while talking to the other child18:03 What happens when your best intentions makes things worse and doesn’t get you what you want18:55 When Leslie sounds like terrible, horrible, no good parent20:28 Can we give our kids a chance solve their own problems21:08 We rob our children from so much learning when we jump in to fix it 21:58 How to help parents sit with their own discomfort or anxiety  Announce the change in your parenting behavior to your children23:15 Explaining an extinction burst 24:20 ⅓ ⅓ ⅓ rule for sibling rivalry⅓ = Do nothing, let them work it out on their their⅓ = We can help them with conflict resolution⅓ = We can notice what is happening or ending it without discussing it25:20  A family is a system of belonging - sibling rivalry can be about individuation30:20  Reinforcing your child to feel special is different from praise. 34:07 Parents need to believe that they can love each of their children differently35:02 The metaphor of the orchestra for treating their children differently36:16 Balance the needs of your child, balance the independence and the dependence36:55 Looking at the parents self care practices38:36 Description of how empathy is a critical step of conflict resolution with a 43:10 Empathy and being understood by the other person can be transformative.43:40 Escalating emotions, getting louder or getting defensive may reflect that someone feels invalidated.44:23  CLIFF HANGER;  Leslie doesn’t share the other steps of conflict resolution - only the step of empathyResources:  Leslie’s Handout on The Need to Feel a Sense of BelongingLeslie ‘s Handout on The Need to be significant Punishment by Rewards by Alfie KohnLeslie-ism: Practice empathy in your own conflictsFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube