Anna Part 2 of 2: When It Feels Like Your Kids Are Growing Up Too Fast And Other Fears

There is so much fear in parenting, it just comes with the territory. Fear of kids fighting, fear of kids growing up too fast, fear of kids being influenced by peer pressure and engaging in behaviors that upset you. In this episode, Leslie works with Anna on noticing and naming her fears so that her fears don’t end up making things worse. Anna is homeschooling her three children,  8yr old girl, Sasha 5 yr old Kate and 2 yr old Daniel. And Anna updates us on the changes in the level and intensity of the sibling rivalry since her last session.

5:15 There is a difference between thinking about your childhood and understanding your childhood experiences from the perspective of the child

6:03 Our childhood experiences inform and impact our parenting

8:33 When you play games you follow the rules.  You may also change the rules of your parenting strategies that you can share with your children

12:22 Remember to focus on yourself and regulate yourself - children care more about how their parent is doing. 

12:55 Children are paying attention to the well-being of their parent

14:45 ⅓ of the time of sibling rivalry you make them a unit and set a limit on the fighting   

• Start with “looks like there is a problem here”
• Giving children permission to continue to fight in another location using a paradoxical strategy

22:05 To help with a conflict -

• Validate each child’s perspective.  
• Show understanding
• “Tell me more”
• Listen to their perspective

26:30 Pay attention to how you as a parent felt about your teenage years and its impact on raising your children through their teenage years

28:52 Be one step ahead of your child as they are approaching adolescence

31:50 Parents need to balance the dialectic dilemmas of 

• strictness vs leniency 
• promoting independence vs fostering dependence

32:35 Pre-adolescents are practicing being individuals

35:15 Finding a solution between these dilemmas is called a dialectic synthesis 

• Walking the middle path between “What’s important to her and what’s important to you”

38:20  Adolescence is about a time of letting go and at the same time, our teenagers still need parents strong and present in their lives.

40:25 We need to acknowledge our fear, but we don't want it to be in front of us, blinding us and possibly taking us off course

Leslie-ism: Notice and name your fear, so it doesn't run the show

Resources:  

Parenting Dilemmas Handout in Dialectic Behavior Therapy by Leslie Cohen-Rubury

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.