Kevin & Scott Part 1 of 3: When Parenting Feels Like A Sea of Chaos

As parents we can probably relate to Kevin and Scott who describe family life as chaotic.  They are parents of two neurodivergent boys, 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur.  Its clear in this episode that these parents have done their homework and tried to help their boys and their family life but the frustration and uncertainly are ever present. Leslie works with Kevin and Scott to assess and understand the other important ingredients essential for effective parenting.  This episode focuses on feelings and concepts such as compassion, insecurity, shame and grief.  And together they that look at what happens when rewards stop working.  

Time Stamps

3:10 Where do parents begin when trying to make sense household chaos

5:05 When parenting with strategies designed for the neurotypical child doesn’t work as well with the neurodivergent child

5:59 Grieving the child you thought you would have

• Comparison to other children or other families
• Acknowledge the child you have

8:08 An example of making compassionate statements to each other and to themselves

11:20 Island of compassion in the sea of chaos

Description of the morning "chaos"

14:15 Teasing can be “playful connection’ as well as the hurtful

• Parents can reframe the behavior from a negative to an alternative interpretation

17:10 Rewards -  how to make them work and why they stop working

• Change them often
• Intermittent reinforcement works very well to establish a behavior
• Don’t work harder than your child
• Keep the small and specific

24:08 Problem Solving Skill from DBT  - focus on the brainstorming step

26:14 Raising your child to understand who he is, the impact of how he shows up in the world, and the areas that he might need to work on.

26:30 Strategies to help someone with ADHD: 

• balance boards and movement
• Fidget toys
• Drawing and doodling

28:20 Dialectic dilemma: The tension between when do you need to accept the moment as it is and when do you need to change it day

29:15 Dialectic Dilemma: Is this the parent’s problem or is this the child’s problem. Whose problem is it?

29:55 Two acceptance strategies:  compassion and taking a breath

Leslie-ism: Take a moment to celebrate the effort you're putting in and the small successes along the way.

Resources:  

A book about Behavior management strategies: Don’t Shoot the Dog by Karen Pryon

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.