Sarah Part 3 of 3: When Parents and Kids Feel Shame

Shame is a common emotion but a painful one as well.  In this episode we talk about shame and its many forms.  Children feel shame, parents feel shame and we can unintentionally pass down shame to our children. This is my third and final session with Sarah, a mom of two boys James, 12 yrs old and Noah 15 yrs old. Sarah and her husband are both ex-military and we discuss the impact of military life on mental health and how that impacts the family. It may be surprising to learn that in this episode I also talk sitting with emotions and about “embracing the struggle”. 

Time Stamps

3:43 Learning to sit with mistakes, learning to sit with emotions, learning to sit with discomfort.

5:30 Being in the discomfort and in the unknown brings up anxiety

5:50 Taking hold of your mind: Definition of Mindfulness

6:05 Paced breathing turns off the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system - exhale twice as long as the inhale

8:00 Mindfulness to current emotion skill - DBT skill 

• This feeling is part of me, not all of me

11:59 A child who is struggling with their emotions is not “losing”, its living!

12:29 Get away from winning and losing language…all behavior is grist for the mill

13:13 Embrace the struggles - accept myself first and then change to improve

13:57 Trials of medications is tricky

16:45 Pay attention to the context - the timing of your child’s challenging behavior

• Before starting a new school most kids get anxious even when they are excited
• Observe and Describe or Notice and Name it
• Use a rating scale about various aspects of the situation
• Ask “what am I missing?” Look at the timing and the context of the situation

21:08 Description of Emotion Mind (DBT skill) also described as a “ring of fire”

22:30 Description of Wise Mind where you can begin to problem solving

27:15 Distraction is an effective distress tolerance skill but be careful not to use it to avoid your emotions

28:30 Walking the middle path

29:48 Raising emotionally intelligent boys

32:24 - 36:16  Being open about mental health struggles in the family reduces shame

37:08 How much information do you share with children?

38:03 There is a natural tendency for children to assume that “its their fault” when their parent is upset. Check in with your child!

40:26 Explaining that adults are responsible for their own reactions

43:12 Parents need to check in with their own shame “am I good enough”

46:20 How your actions to be fully involved with your children can have unintended consequences of pushing away your child

48:20 description of being an active listener so Children feel UNDERSTOOD

49:49 Active listening means taking a non-judgmental stance as resist the urge to be the “fixer”

51:00 Clarify the intention of a conversation - do you want to be heard or do you want advice?

Leslie-ism: It's never too late to address the roots of your shame.

Resources:  

• Leslie’s Handout on Three States of Mind
• List of Distress Tolerance and Coping Skills
• Richard Reeves: author of 2022 book “Of Boys and Men: Why the modern male is struggling, why it matters, and what to do about it
• Emotionally available boys - best of the men and boys are not alright Ezra Klien - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/best-of-the-men-and-boys-are-not-alright/id1548604447?i=1000666761830&