Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

This is the second session with Emma, mother of four children. After just one session, Emma is having breakthroughs about how her own traumas are affecting her judgment with her kids. She and Leslie discuss the warning signs of rumination (a symptom of her anxiety) and how to reel it back in once she’s started. They also work through a few role-playing scenarios in order to see  how Emma can validate her children without unfairly punishing them. Sibling dynamics are never easy, and while Emma’s anxiety may be telling her she needs to “fix” every problem, Leslie gently reminds her that children don’t need fixing, but they do need some very important things from their parents in order to feel emotionally safe and secure.Time Stamps4:34 Use the line “I wonder if…”  to clarify what your child is thinking or feeling6:31 Stop putting your adult expectations and standards on children8:43 The shift from being a victim in your relationships can be a shifting of expectations as well as empowering you with skills to make you feel confident in the situation.13:15 Whose problem is it?14:43 How body sensations help us identify emotional reactions. 16:06 Understanding Rumination (and how to prevent it)21:43 Is your child tuned into fairness and unfairness? And what it means in terms of sensitivity and dichotomous thinking23:50 How we help children have a growth mindset vs a fixed mindset25:17 Children repeat themselves when they don’t feel they are being heard27:42 How to validate children: reflecting back what they’re saying so they know you understand34:20 Shifting from “tell me what happened” to “what’s your version of what happened  (each child tells their POV)35:51 We’re not looking for blame, we’re looking for understanding and empathy36:12 Shame: let’s avoid interrogations, and make them feel safe insteadResources:  Video of Leslie doing a handstand - demonstrates the bottom up approach to mindfulnessVideo: The Story of Ruby - how misbehavior is a form of communicationBlog writing on Staying One Step Ahead of Your Child  Handout on  Conflict Resolution Strategies for Kids by ScholasticMindset by Carolyn Dweck: a book about fixed vs growth mindsetLeslie-ism:   Expect your children to misbehaveFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host, visit Leslie's website. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar and me.   

Today is the first of three sessions with Emma who is a mom of 4 children in a blended family. Henelly, her 7 year old daughter is from her first marriage. Emma and her second husband have 3 year old twins, Grayson and Claire and a new baby, Olivia.  Emma reached out for therapy concerned that Henelly is manipulating her. Parents may often feel this way but it's a serious accusation.  Leslie unpacks that word and explores how Emma’s past experiences are influencing the way she interprets her child’s communication style.  And there’s more to this episode which includes when parents feel helpless, when kids give voice to the fighting refrain -  “it’s mine, no, it’s mine” and those seldom-working promises that you make with your children.Time Stamps4:30 Reframing the word manipulation - children are designed to get their needs. 7:10 Varying communication skills - nonverbal to indirect to direct 9:58 Examples of dialectic dilemmas - clearly articulate the dilemma13:00 Reinforce the behavior you want more of. 15:15 The continuum of nonverbal to indirect to direct21:20. The parent trap of promises22:43 Use the phrase “what's going to happen when….”25:00 How to give your child some healthy ways to be in "control"28:00 Reasons why children take on the role of parenting25;45 The feeling of being trapped is a terrible feeling. The antidote is identifying some options. 35:25 The unintended consequences of possessiveness of toys and finding a balance between mine and oursResources:  DBT Handout on levels of intensity for making a request Video on Levels of intensity for making a requestLeslie-ism: Fostering effective communication means learning to speak your child’s language. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This week, host Leslie Cohen-Rubury sits down with anxiety expert Lynn Lyons. Together they discuss the challenges of parenting anxious children and the importance of addressing anxiety in families. Lynn’s work is research-based and her practical strategies for dealing with anxiety may surprise you but will make sense as you listen to this episode.  There’s a lot to learn about anxiety.  Leslie and Lynn’s conversation focuses on how  parents and caregivers can unintentionally make anxiety worse, how anxiety works and how to live with it effectively - and no, the answer is not eliminating it.   About our Guest: Lynn Lyons is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker with over 30 years of experience and a special interest in interrupting the generational patterns of anxiety in families. Her latest book, The Anxiety Audit, looks at the seven sneaky ways that anxiety and worry weave their way into our families, friendships, and jobs, and provides actionable steps to reverse the cycle and reclaim emotional well-being. Her podcast, Flusterclux, is filled with so many of her strategies for managing anxiety, as is her website: lynnlyons.comTime Stamps3:43  Defining Anxiety5:00  Avoidance begets Avoidance8:43  The keys of anxiety are certainty and comfort9:38 Plans that work vs plans that don’t work 12:20 The three X’s - expect it, externalize it, experiment with it. 15:40 Elimination strategies make anxiety worse15:50 Tolerating uncertainty is what makes it better. 20:45 Research on kids who are raised by anxious parents - 4 takeaways26:25 Change the question from how do we help the child calm down to how does this child continue to freak themselves out. 29:20 Why the accommodation model at schools to treat anxiety is not working31:50  Parental Experiential Avoidance - Parents unable to tolerate their distress or their children’s distress33:05 Expectations of therapy if your child is being treated for anxiety37:24 Stopping the transmission of generational anxiety38:40 Anxiety and Depression are disorders of passivity.  Retraining the brain for actionResources:  Website: lynnlyons.com  Podcast: Flusterclux.comInstagram: lynnlyonsanxiety  Facebook: Lynn Lyons PsychotherapistLeslie-ism: Remember Lynn Lyon’s 3 X’s - We need to expect it, externalize it, experiment when dealing with anxietyFor  more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper,  AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. 

This episode is the third and final session with Leigh and Pierre whose nearly 5-year-old daughter Jean has big emotional reactions. Leslie explores how her big emotions and reactions part of a bigger picture of anxiety, perfectionism, and discomfort with vulnerability - things so many children struggle with.  And it's no surprise that Leigh and Pierre have their own history and journeys with anxiety and vulnerability.  Leslie talks about ways to manage anxiety in the day to day as well as in heightened emotional states for both parents and children. Leslie also recommends teaching mindfulness at an early age because you can’t “control” those big emotional reactions in your child but with mindfulness, you can control how you and your child respond to them. Time Stamps3:30 Step one when facing challenging situations - make a list, visualize it, and carry it with you.   “Take anxiety with you when you travel” metaphorically. When you get new information from an evaluation9:53 Strategies to use when your child is having really big reactionsUsing a change in temperature to help calm your child 11:25 Teach your child the TIPP Skills from DIalectic Behavior Therapy - TIPP Skill12:25 When do you teach the skills to your child13:28 How do we  know if somethings not working - what does success  look like when you're teaching skills to your child  15:20 Mindful awareness of anxiety/discomfortObserve and describeChoose what you want to be mindful toRadical Acceptance: “it is what it is”Self-talk and Encouragement19:27 Teaching mindfulness to our even if there’s nothing wrong - expose them to the concept of mindfulness at an early age so they can grow into - use it the word itself21:55 Mindfulness exercises as a family connection and togetherness24:30 Dealing with your child’s big reactions in public - be compassionate with yourself26:37 The Power of Vulnerability - Learning to deal with the discomfort of the moment28:32 What a child needs from their parent Resources:  “Packing Anxiety with You” videoVictor Frankle Quote Image Leslie’s Handout on Breathing Mindfulness ExercisesVideo Bubble Bounce! Mindfulness for Children - a practical video to teach and practice your mindfulness skills"The Diving Reflex" video demonstrating one of the TIPP Skills - T: temperature change activating the diving reflex to help you calm downHandout explaining TIPP Skills from Dialectic Behavior TherapyLeslie-ism: Take a breath, take a pause and pay attention to what happens.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and 

This episode is part two of a three part series with Leigh and Pierre who have two daughters, Jean, almost 5 years old and Nina, 2 years old. This episode explores two very common parenting patterns: we want our children to fit in, and we don’t want our children to suffer in ways we may have suffered. And yet, trying to force those things causes a different kind of suffering. Leigh and Pierre also seek to gain understanding of what they describe as Jean’s “controlling behavior”.  Leslie supports Leigh and Pierre to understand the controlling behavior from the perspective of identifying its causes and function. These behaviors may be relatable for many families especially as it relates to anxiety.Time Stamps3:15  When parents replace the pressure to be like a “normal kid” with giving themselves permission to “not worry” or to accept who their child is3:55  Wanting the best for your child and what that means5:45 What it means when your child is a people pleaser 9:35 Children who are “observers”are actively learning an11:10 Assessing what is a child’s behavior of shutting down communicatingI may not be readyI maybe be overstimulatedThere may be too much going onI don’t know what is expected of meI don’t like what is expected of me13:50 The fear of what will happen to my child as an adult15:15 Defining exposure work to teach children that they are capable of handling uncomfortable situations17:10 Assessing why some children will NOT try something new or shutdownAfraid of being watchedPerfectionism - I have to do it well or I don’t want to do it at allNot feeling safe Feeling like she is not in control 20:05 How to give a child a sense of personal control25:35 When making travel plans - Use paper and pencil to make it concreteList what things will be fun and easyList what things will be challenging and hardRemember to add a space for unknowns and surprises that may happen31:31 What skills you can use if your child is in emotion mind - See the TIPP skills in show notesCold compress, cold airIntense exerciseParents talking quietly so your child has to listenParents talking about something that will catch your child’s attentionResources:  TIPP SKILLS HANDOUT when your child is in emotion mind - and they cannot use other skills past their skills breakdown pointArticles explaining exposure therapy for children: Facing Fears:  How exposure therapy can help children with AnxietyExposure Therapy: Definition, Types, Approaches and MoreLeslie-ism: Try to let go of who you think your child should be, so they can grow into their best self.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and par

This is part one of a three-part series with parents Leigh and Pierre. Leigh is from the US and Pierre is from France, and they moved their family from France to the states one year ago. They have two children - almost 5 yr old Jean  and 2 year old Nina. However, they came to Leslie to talk  about Jean who is not speaking outside of her immediate family.  Over time, Leigh and Pierre have heard the diagnosis “selective mutism” and have made changes accordingly, but they’re still struggling with what they should do. In this episode Leslie walks Leigh and Pierre through an assessment of why a child might be selectively speaking. While there are lots of causes, they mostly boil down to vulnerability. Is Jean stressing about her learning two languages at once? Struggling with perfectionism?  Or Is she not feeling safe when she’s out in the world? We ask these questions and many more in this sessionTime StampsSelective MutismParents explain how they’re reacting to their child’s strugglesWhen parents can relate to their  struggles - is there a  genetic componentDeveloping an avoidant behavior: the child speaks when they feel safeConfidence, safety, willingness: 3 important things, without them child is left feeling vulnerableTalk about what perfectionism looks like in kids and adults. Perfectionism and its relationship to anxietyPractice being vulnerable - the problem with avoiding or suppressing those uncomfortable emotions. Some kids gravitate to only wanting to experience the pleasant emotionsPractice learning to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situationIndirect ways to support:Letting child use nonverbal and indirect communication (and validating it)When you’re with other people, practice talking (not to them, but around them)Tell them “can you give yourself practice making a mistake”Resources:  The podcast Well, Hello Anxiety with Dr Jodi Richardson episode on selective mutism Other resources on selective mutismLeslie-ism: What is the loud and clear message you may be sending to your childFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Today’s is a special episode focusing on sibling dynamics. We take a break from our typical therapy sessions to talk to Leslie’s 34-year-old twins, Dale and Carrie. Together they share in an open and honest conversation the challenges of being themselves and being in relationship with each other. Dale had intense emotions and challenging behaviors as a kid, and doesn’t understand how Carrie didn’t hate her, or at the very least resent her. Carrie was easy going and flexible, and she grew up wondering if there was something wrong with her. In this dialogue we look at how complex sibling relationships can be. What happens when one sibling has higher needs than the other? How do parents balance the needs of each child when helping one can actually hurt the other? Hear what Dale and Carrie reveal about the evolution of their relationship not just as siblings, but as twins, from childhood to adulthood.About our guests: Dale Rubury is excited to be back on Is My Child A Monster? as she was a producer and special guest in Season 1. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently enrolled in a graduate program to become a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.  Carrie's passion for exploring humanity, in all its messiness and wonder, has driven her career. Her career has led her across the globe, working in Latin America and Africa, and across various industries, from public relations and restaurants to leadership development and healthcare. Carrie continued to follow her curiosity about how people change and grow into graduate school to earn her MSW. Carrie is currently working as a clinical social worker in a community practice in upstate New York. She lives with her husband and dog, Lou. Outside of work, she is likely cooking with friends or adventuring in some wilderness. Resources:Leslie’s Handout on The Need to Feel Significant Leslei’s Handout on The Need to Feel a Sense of BelongingIs My Child a Monster?  S1 Ep 14 The Apology Episode with Special Guest Dale RuburyLeslie’s video of the Orchestra Metaphor which teaches us  to respect people for who they areLeslie-ism: All children need to feel like unique individuals and also need to feel like they belong.Timestamps:1:53 The metaphor of a mobile: a family systems perspective where all family members impact each other 10:17 For the low needs child you can explain that “It's hard being [the sibling with anxiety], and it's hard being you”12:26 Holding the dialectic dilemma: “I love her and am also angry at her”16:30 The empathy issue for children - when a child is young and struggling, they may not be able to understand the other person’s perspective 17:47 Give the problem back to the child who is being mean  It’s Dale’s problem, not Carrie’sGive compassion to the child who is struggling in the moment Connect to the child who is the “victim”

This is the second half of the final session with Molly and Alastair. Their kids, Katherine (4) and Elizabeth (8), are benefitting from the changes that their parents are making at home. As parents we want quick behavior fixes, but let’s not underestimate the power and impact that modeling behavior has on children. Molly and Alastair are no different. Leslie’s focus on the parents helped them realize that  anxiety exists in the family—from the grandparents, to the parents, to the children themselves. Together, they face these generational patterns head-on. It’s often surprising how anxiety can fly under the radar for everyone in a family, but it’s a significant factor in raising kids, so how can we better identify it and, more importantly, learn to manage it.Time Stamps5:25 Myth are mistaken beliefs that we may have learns from childhood or societyIt’s not ok to experience the natural consequences because its too painfulIt’s my responsibility to make sure everything goes “right”If something goes wrong, someone is going to be blamed. It has to be someone’s faultIt’s your job to make sure everyone has to be happy7:03 Generational anxiety - stop the cycle7:55 Dichotomous thinking of seeing things as right or wrong, good or bad. Use the phrase: That’s your version,  this is my version.10:20 Find another interpretation skill - to teach that there are other perspectives11:15 Molly added the expression:  Don’t yuk someone else’s yum14:55 Wanting everything to go right is a way of expressing anxiety16:10 Compassion is an effective way of dealing with one’s anxiety18:10 Preparing our children to handle the uncomfortable situations (see The coping skills toolbox for Anxiety in show notes below)19:50 Various ways that Anxiety presents itselfSuppress it, avoid, procrastinate, go into a holeGet into a frenzy, ruminating, making sure everything is “right"21:55 Modeling for your children willingness to be vulnerable and willingness to be uncomfortable.Choose your long term value as a guide for the dialectic dilemmasResources:  Handout on The Coping Skills Toolbox for AnxietyVideo of The Coping Skills Toolbox for AnxietyHandout on When Being Right is not Effective:  How dichotomous thinking can be problematic.Dialectic Behavior Therapy Handouts: Myths that get in the way of Interpersonal EffectivenessMyths about EmotionsLeslie-ism: Teach different perspectives by saying, “that's your version and this is my version”.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and 

Today’s episode is the third session with Molly and Alastair where things take a turn inward. Molly and Alastair first contacted Leslie to get help with their two daughters, 8 year old Elizabeth and 4 year old Catherine but in the process began to face their own struggles with their belief systems and expectations.  In addition, in this session Molly and Alastair face the complexities of family communication and interactions. This episode throws a spotlight on the delicate dance of respecting different parenting styles. Leslie shares strategies to increase effective communication in their relationship.  In this heart-to-heart conversation you are bound to feel a shift in their perspective and possibly a shift in your own perspective as well.Time Stamps3:00 When the parents “gives more” the child ends up cooperating more4:30 Connection = mutual respect = trust5:03 Refocusing from the “end goal” to the present moment5:17 Children remind us to be in the present moment6:50 As a parent your battery gets worn down Worry and stress about kids getting alongDesire to do things right causes us stress9:50 Parents avoidance to letting the child get upset11:30 Generational myth to make sure everyone is happy11:50 Kids relax when parents aren’t constantly trying to fix them.12:30 Parents are learning to get used to when the kids are upset with each other or with you.13:25 When the second parent steps in to the interaction between a parent and a child. Ways to step in:You can say “Is that working for you” come in with a neutral non-judgmental stanceYou can say “I notice there is a bit of a struggle” You can say “Can I be of help to either of you?”19:30 Doing things the right way and letting go of wanting to be right  21:08 Find the positive intention of another person’s behavior26:05 Accurate communication: Put words to those chaotic moments - Narrate it One minute check inExpect and accept the bumps and rough spots in parenting Molly’s idea of naming the “unicorn parent” who is the parent on pointResources:  Handout on When Being Right is not Effective:  How dichotomous thinking can be problematic.Handout on Seeing the Positive Intention of Another Person’s BehaviorLeslie-ism: When you want to step in, pause and ask your partner, “is there anything I can do to help?”For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This episode is part two of three sessions with parents Molly and Alastair. Last week Leslie focused on the sibling dynamics between their daughters, 8-year-old Elizabeth and 4-year-old Katherine. This week we focus on a different kind of dynamic: the power struggle. In the fight for power between child and parent, Leslie offers an alternative: stop struggling for power and put an end to the power struggles. In this episode Leslie discusses identifying the problem behind the struggle, what the problem really is, whose problem is it, and learning to ask: can we try that again?Time Stamps:5:02 Whose problem is it? Is it the child’s problem or is it the parent’s problem7:07 Definition of power struggle8:15 What happens if the parent give in9:52 Example of sibling rivalry and how parents reinforce the escalation Strategies to deal with power struggles12:02 Say that you need a moment (to get into wise mind)12:39 Engage your child in the problem solving process 12:54 Do a pros and cons13:34 Notice and name what’s going on14:12 Use the phrase “try it again”15:20 How to give the problem back to your child19:39 Go below the surface - Restate child’s blaming statement into naming the underlying emotion23:10 Parenting using “try it again” between the parents27:31 If I had the superpower of mindreading - add levity to a situation and tapping into your child’s imagination27:40 Mindreading is known as a problematic thinking problem28:23 Again - give the problem back to your child30:05 Stop and acknowledge when your child gets through a struggle - reinforce that they did it!!32:21 How to gain some distance and perspective on past experiences so you don’t end up re-experiencing35:20 Naming the dialectic dilemma and identifying priorities36:10 Understanding how to find a synthesis as a solution to a dialectic dilemmaResources:  Handout titled:  Whose Problem is it?Handout on choosing between power over, power under and personal power belief systemLeslie-ism: When you don’t like a Child’s response use the phrase “Try Again” For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.