Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

This is part one of the three part series with Molly and Alastair. These parents have 2 children who are very different. Elizabeth is 8 years old and is an easy going kid. Katherine is a high energy 4 year old with intense emotions and more challenging behaviors. While the parents originally reached out to Leslie for help with their youngest, this episode ended up focusing a little more on their eldest. How exactly can a parent make sure they’re still there for a child when they don’t need literal support? Turns out children may not need the same level of support but they do need the same level of connection. Leslie also discusses sibling dynamics, the myth of the “oldest sibling,” mom guilt, and more. Time Stamps8:30 Birth order traits - the oldest daughter who feels responsible for the younger sibling8:44 Pet peeve when parents say “YOU are the big sister” Or “you should act like the big sister”Tuning into our children - leads to strong attachments Observing our children help children feel like their parents see them and understand them12:55 Name the dilemmas - you want to take care of your sister AND you want to play with your own friends15:11 Metaphor of needing to go shopping, but prioritizing which store you can make it to today vs next shopping trip (drugstore, shoe store and grocery store)15:48 There is a difference between what’s important to you and what’s the priority of the moment22:07 She may not need the same level of support, but she does need the same level of connection.  25:22 The child coming from a secure, safe and validating environment is more prepared to cope with life challenges28:10 Mom’s narrative - I was the capable one29:00 How to reassure and support Elizabeth (the “easy” child)Create a tool box:29:33 Notice and name her behavior29:47 Get rid of narrative of “you are the older sister or the big sister”30:45 Validate the hard parts35:00 If I had a magic wand31:36 What happens when the parent grew up with a sibling with disabilities33:36 Save the stories of your childhood when its not in the moment of emotional upset36:01 The metaphor of instruments in an orchestra - treating each musical instrument differently38:21 Whose problem is it?39:24 Myth - it's not ok for others to be upset with me. (mom still struggles with this)Resources:  Newsletter on myths that may be guiding your parenting that you may want to question, titled " Have you Outgrown your Childhood Beliefs?Video: Dilemma Metaphor on how to deal with conflicting needs or wants Video: Orchestra Metaphor on how need to treat each instrument differently and with respectLeslie-ism: Remember to use “if I had a magic wand” For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, 

Today’s bonus episode is with special guest Jamilah Lemieux, and it’s all about therapy. Leslie and Jamilah discuss things like figuring out when to take your child to therapy, how to find therapists for all needs, how to talk to your kids about taking them to therapy, and more  If you’re curious about therapy, for yourself or your kids or both, be sure to check out our resources. With some help, anyone can begin the journey to a better self.About the guests: Jamilah Lemieux is an American writer, cultural critic, and editor. She rose to prominence for her blog, The Beautiful Struggler. She has worked for Ebony, Cassius Magazine, and Interactive One, part of Radio One, Inc. Lemieux currently writes a parenting column and co-hosts for Slate's Care and Feeding Podcast formerly known as Mom & Dad Are Fighting.Resources:Resources for finding therapyJed Foundation’s How to find  a culturally competent therapist which provides many resources for finding a therapist of colorTherapy for Black GirlsPsychology Today is a nationwide directory for therapists that can be sorted by location, insurance, specialty, and more.What Good is Therapy:  An article about the balance of insight and change as goals for therapyWhat kind of therapy do I need? A general review of the types of therapy, the types of therapists and other questionsA Glossary of Therapy Approaches and Modalities A very extensive list of the types of therapy modalities.Five Tips to Discuss Therapy with Their Child Handout by Andrea DornListen to Leslie’s guest appearances on Slate’s Mom and Dad are Fighting Podcast My Kid Refuses Therapy. I Think She Needs It   Slates parenting podcast on helping your kid feel better…and feel heard.  July 20,2023Is My Child a Monster?  Slate’s parenting podcast on what we can learn from family therapy. July 24, 2023Leslie-ism:   Take the time to learn about therapy so you can recognize a good fitFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences around holiday issues at Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Commu

This week’s episode is our last with single mother of three Salimah. After three sessions focusing on each one of her children, today Leslie turns the attention to Salimah and the many roles that she plays. Let’s face it, being a parent is hard. It’s important for parents to supply themselves with an anti-burnout toolkit while also giving themselves grace. In addition to learning to reduce and prevent burnout, Leslie and Salimah also talk candidly about how to advocate for yourself, how to ask for help, and how to get the support and validation you need from your community (and not just from your kids).Time Stamps6:47 “Kiss your brain” an expression of compassion when you are trying to be kind to yourself8:50 Parents should give themselves grace13:51 Braided hair analogy: the separate strands represent each child and you are them, woven together17:18 Correcting other people when they get your name wrong - why that can be so hard26:23 Praise vs feedbackTool box for burnout:10:43 Lowering expectations14:45 Get in touch with your values and beliefs21:07 Punctuate your life with pauses and taking breaks25:14 & 30:45 Get someone to acknowledge how hard you work26:56 Give yourself credit for effort28:00 Keep your head down and stay present33:30 & 36:39 Learn to ask for help34:31 Random acts of kindness37:39 When asking for help: How do you make sure you’re not over-asking?38:04 Collect data - get the facts and ask yourself, am I really asking excessively?38:34 Is there any reciprocity? Identify the relationship and ask is what you’re asking for fair from this type of relationship39:12 Give them permission to say “no” when you go for the ask and tell them you have other options40:51 Its ok to talk to strangersLinks:  Newsletter: Punctuate Your LifeNewsletter: How to ask for helpHandout on a practice of Self-Compassion called RAIN by Tara Brach. Video of the Weaving Braid metaphorLeslie-ism: Ask for help because you deserve to get itFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, , Mia Warren, Camila Salazar and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by AJ Moultrie. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part three of the four part series with Salimah, single mother of three. This week, Leslie and Salimah focus on 5 year old Terrel. Terrel is the youngest child and also the only “man of the house.” He is typically a happy go-lucky child. But there are other behaviors that have Salimah confused and frustrated.  He can sometimes say mean things, he can be quick to anger and he is dealing with issues with his bowel movements. These different parts of the same child motivated Salimah to come to this session to understand what is at the root of these behaviors.Time Stamps2:35 Reviewed homework of validation 5:16 Learning how to read the shoulder shrugs and what they mean7:40 When our children “push our buttons”  which really describe our vulnerabilities8:15 ABC of looking at a child’s behavior: Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence in order to understand problem behavior13:29 Give your child back the actual problem without personalizing their behavior.  14:01 When children say mean things it's often a reflection of how they are doing26:05 Children can have control of their lives in two ways: eating and bowel movements26:50 Control helps the child feel a sense of safety.30:52 Finding other means to find happiness31:30 Dealing with his vulnerabilities of his sad and angry emotions34:09 Learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions34:35 Give your child the chance to feel capable and independent36:48 Teach him to be able to handle the fearsResourcesAn article on Encopresis in childrenLeslie's handout on The Need to Feel CapableLeslie's List of Ideas for Making Kids Feel CapableLeslie-ism: Give your child a chance to feel capableFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Welcome to part 2 of our 4-part series with Salima, a single mother of three children with very different needs. Last week we discussed her middle child, 7 year old Rene. This week we focus on her oldest, 13 year old Alani. Alani has been getting in trouble at school and uses the “shoulder shrug” to dismiss all of Salimah’s attempts to connect. Tune in to hear Leslie talk Salimah through ways to give your child the time and space to open up to you.Time Stamps:13:10 and 17:30 Narrate what you are doing so others can learn13:30 Choosing your words more intentionally14:00 Using imagery such as the ring of fire to increase the learning and understanding of a concept or skill.  15:27 Starting with validation before we start problem-solving17:54 When you ask the direct “why” questions, it can be like flashing a flashlight in someone’s eyes. Instead make statements or observations19:30 Shifting  your expectations - short term vs long term parenting20:09 Role play21:33 Getting your reserved or shut down child to engage in conversation.22:51 Say less and give them space23:11 The dominoes metaphor27:20 The 5 communications of the shoulder shrug - it means different things at different times29:31 Parent’s job description - helping a child understand who they are. To know who you are.31:18 The gift of connection - when our children think we know them better than they know themselves34:12 The six levels of validation (show notes link and possible newsletter or sample video)35:57 Validation is in the eye of the beholderResources:The 6 levels of validationVideo of the Domino AnalogyHow to guide to validation worksheet Leslie sent Salimah home withFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Leslie-ism: Turn your challenges into opportunities

This week we meet Salimah, single mother of three wonderful children, 13-year-old Alani, 7-year-old Rene, and 5-year-old Terrel. Parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all, and Leslie’s sessions with Salimah are a perfect example of that. The first of this four-part series focuses on middle child Rene. Salimah needs help figuring out why is Rene destroying her room, and how to handle those big emotions.TIME STAMPS6:58 The three states of mind- emotion mind, reasonable mind, wise mind8:05 The ring of fire as a metaphor when your child is emotionally dysregulated12:50 Explaining the difference between a trigger vs prompting eventCan you identify the five prompting events that set you off to emotion mind15:50 Power of pause - the gift of the pause16:55 Re-considering the use of time-out as a form of punishment20:40 Create a toolbox of alternatives of how to react when your child has the big emotions; how can you connect and at the same time to give her space Redirect them to do another activity such as go outsideProblem-solving or engaging in conflict resolution with the other personValidate and stop talking. Sometimes talking less is more effective.23:12 Narrate what you are doing and what you are thinking, as both a model and a strategy in difficult times25:49 Change your language away from “I’m in combat with my children,” which implies that they are your enemy 27:44 Having children put a mirror to us, and show us the ways we need to grow.33:00 Rules of the game - share with your children what you are thinking and doing Show Note Links:A visual explanation of the three states of mindVideo on three states of mindLeslie’s blog posting explaining the three states of mindLeslie’s newsletter on becoming aware of violent language: Why words matter?Two articles on why time-outs aren’t effective: https://kidcrew.com/why-time-outs-are-not-effectivehttps://childmind.org/article/are-time-outs-harmful-kids/For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Leslie-ism:  Keep in mind: your words have power and you can choose what to say.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Brains can be confusing - how they work, what they do, how yours is different from other people's. And explaining brains to kids can be a challenge. Today’s special guest is Dr. Liz Angoff, an Educational Psychologist who specializes in explaining brains to kids and their families. She primarily works with families undergoing assessment and diagnosis, but her tools and language are helpful for anyone who has a brain. Leslie has been recommending her book and website to clients for years. About our guest:  Liz Angoff, Ph.D., is a Licensed Educational Psychologist with a Diplomate in School Neuropsychology, providing assessment and consultation services to children and their families in the Bay Area, CA. Dr. Liz’s mission is to empower children and families by helping them understand their amazing, unique brains. She is the author of the Brain Building Books, tools for engaging children in understanding their learning and developmental differences as part of the assessment process. More information about Dr. Liz and her work is available atwww.ExplainingBrains.com.Timestamps:7:50 Understanding the difference between the medical model diagnosis and neurodivergent affirming language approach10:40 Different is not broken, different is a mismatch (between child and environment)17:41 Diagnosis can be powerful tool, gives you the language that can help meet our child’s needs20:10 Validating a child’s struggle is powerful20:53 How do you tell your child about their assessment28:12 How do I help my child to not have such a hard time32:27 Three things that Liz wants parents to take away from this conversationResources:Visit her website, full of wonderful resourcesHere is the script for explaining a diagnosis Dr. Liz mentioned in this episodeYou can find her book, The Brain Building Book, hereLeslie-ism: Dr. Liz said "Talk to your child about their brain, do it early, do it often.” For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the final session with Emilee and David. Emilee felt a big difference when she stepped back from her son’s big reactions and no longer took his words and actions personally; that’s a huge achievement. David said he felt less pressure on himself as a parent—also a huge achievement. In this session, Leslie also explained creative ways to teach children about emotions, like using children’s books and other media. Leslie also addresses Jack’s neuropsychological testing and the results. Leslie supports Emilee and David as they digest this helpful information while remembering to see Jack as a whole person.Time Stamps10:55 Throwing up analogy: a way to not take your children’s words personally12:05 Neuropsychological testing and school accommodations17:35 How to teach your child about emotions- books, model it, watch other people, tell stories 24:01 Concept: being able to hold two opposing thoughts at the same time24:41 Bibliotherapy: using books to help teach children26:50 Receiving a diagnosis, and how to make it helpful and useful30:45 Movement breaks37:27 Childrens are like puppies: they all have big paws that they grow into, just like children and their big emotionsResources:  Video of throwing up analogyHandout of feeling words for kidsDr. Liz Angoff’s Website and resources: How to explain testing to kidsLeslie’s sample list of books she likes to read with childrenLeslie-ism:  Let’s honor the individual learning styles of child and adults alikeFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 1 of the 3 part series with Emilee and David. In the first session, we learned about Jack, their six-year-old son who is having trouble expressing his emotions. He often defaults to kicking and saying “I don’t know.” In this episode, Leslie looks closer at their differing parenting styles: David wants to get to the bottom of it, and Emilee tends to distract and redirect. Is it important to be on the exact same page as your partner when it comes to parenting styles? And what happens when what you dislike about your partner’s approach is exactly what’s missing  from your own.Time Stamps10:38 Anticipatory Anxiety: kids and adults can get more upset by the anticipation of the event than the event itself. 15:57 It’s not misperception, but rather simply having a different perception18:00 Instinct to “get to the bottom of it” might be causing more stress18:30 Can we normalize emotions rather than inflating them19:18 When you have different parenting styles: determine what’s working and what’s not working.  19:45 How to get the best of both worlds22:08 Emily distracts and redirects (indirect) David wants to get to the bottom of things (direct)26:05 Announce and name what you are doing, the change you’re imposing29:35 Their homework:  Don’t work so hard34:40 Normalize children who are arguing vs teaching children conflict resolution skills36:50 The lost ART of healthy neglect 41:40 Use the line “can you give yourself permission to make a mistake”43:20 "Plant the seed" and get out of thereRESOURCES:  Why ‘how was school?’ isn’t a good question to ask kids. Here's a CNBC article with some ideas of what to say insteadDistress Tolerance STOP techniqueNYTimes article on unsupervised PlayThe Anti-Helicopter Parents Plea: Let Kids Play!Risky Play Encourages ResilienceLeslie’s book recommendation: The Last Child in the Woods by Richard LouvLeslie-ism: Do LessFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 1 of the 3 part series with Emilee and David.  Emilee and David have a six year old son who repeatedly says “I don’t know” when they try to help their son understand his big emotions. Many parents like Emilee and David want to teach their children how to regulate their emotions and how to understand their emotions.  But what happens when what you are doing is not working and actually producing the very opposite results than what you were hoping for.  Time stamps:13:10 How children physically express their emotions, and what to do13:55  Name and notice those body sensations and physical actions16:07 Alexithymia: when a child doesn't have the skills to name what they are experiencing18:30 Masking: a survival tactic for social situations22:20 Change from asking questions like "how do you feel?" to making statements about the situation26:45 & 34:07 Social Signaling: what is your child communicating to others28:41 Go below the surface: anger with mean words and an intense physical response is above the surface and disappointment is below the surface30:50 Take the pressure off of the child to express their emotions32:27 Beware of praise and instead, give feedback 35:40 Create a bridge from the behavior to describing the emotion: children may need help finding the words40:50 What to do if your child is masking44:43 Difference between when a child WON’T express emotion versus when they CAN’TResources: AlexithymiaAutism Parenting Magazine's Guide to AlexithymiaChildren's Alexithymia Measure handoutThe Alexithymia Wheel and more resourcesMaskingMasking in Children ExplainedNHS's Guide on "Masking" Behavior in ChildrenPraise vs feedbackThe Psychology of Feedback vs PraiseHow to Give Feedback to Your ChildLeslie-ism: The slower you go, the faster you get there.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.