Leigh & Pierre Part 2 of 3: When Your Kid Likes to be in Control

This episode is part two of a three part series with Leigh and Pierre who have two daughters, Jean, almost 5 years old and Nina, 2 years old. This episode explores two very common parenting patterns: we want our children to fit in, and we don’t want our children to suffer in ways we may have suffered. And yet, trying to force those things causes a different kind of suffering. Leigh and Pierre also seek to gain understanding of what they describe as Jean’s “controlling behavior”.  Leslie supports Leigh and Pierre to understand the controlling behavior from the perspective of identifying its causes and function. These behaviors may be relatable for many families especially as it relates to anxiety.

Time Stamps

• 3:15  When parents replace the pressure to be like a “normal kid” with giving themselves permission to “not worry” or to accept who their child is
• 3:55  Wanting the best for your child and what that means
• 5:45 What it means when your child is a people pleaser 
• 9:35 Children who are “observers”are actively learning an
• 11:10 Assessing what is a child’s behavior of shutting down communicating
• I may not be ready
• I maybe be overstimulated
• There may be too much going on
• I don’t know what is expected of me
• I don’t like what is expected of me
• 13:50 The fear of what will happen to my child as an adult
• 15:15 Defining exposure work to teach children that they are capable of handling uncomfortable situations
• 17:10 Assessing why some children will NOT try something new or shutdown
• Afraid of being watched
• Perfectionism - I have to do it well or I don’t want to do it at all
• Not feeling safe 
• Feeling like she is not in control 
• 20:05 How to give a child a sense of personal control
• 25:35 When making travel plans - Use paper and pencil to make it concrete
• List what things will be fun and easy
• List what things will be challenging and hard
• Remember to add a space for unknowns and surprises that may happen
• 31:31 What skills you can use if your child is in emotion mind - See the TIPP skills in show notes
• Cold compress, cold air
• Intense exercise
• Parents talking quietly so your child has to listen
• Parents talking about something that will catch your child’s attention

Resources:  

• TIPP SKILLS HANDOUT when your child is in emotion mind - and they cannot use other skills past their skills breakdown point
• Articles explaining exposure therapy for children: 
  • Facing Fears:  How exposure therapy can help children with Anxiety
  • Exposure Therapy: Definition, Types, Approaches and More

Leslie-ism: Try to let go of who you think your child should be, so they can grow into their best self.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and par